Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Never Calls

woman_phonephoto by mistress_f

Hello Em & Lo,

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 months and things are getting pretty serious: we spend almost every weekend together. But during the week we only talk to each other a maximum of 30 to 45 minutes every night right before we go to bed. Should I be concerned? I’m really irritated that he doesn’t find the time to call me during the day. Is it me? Am I overreacting?

Call Me

Dear CM,

You’re overreacting. It’s totally you. We thought you were going to say you only talk to each other a maximum of 30 to 40 seconds once each week. Thirty minutes every day is a lot of phone time, especially for someone who might not be a phone person (and many guys aren’t). Man, there are couples who live together who don’t talk that much. If your relationship is otherwise good, don’t be such a nitpicker — appreciate all the good things, including the three and a half hours of intimate quality phone time you’re getting with him each week. And if you really want to talk to him more during the day, pick up the phone and call him yourself. But then don’t be surprised if you’re reading this site a few weeks from now and you see us answering an advice question from a dude whose girlfriend won’t stop bugging him at work.

Thanks for calling!
Em & Lo

To ask us your own advice question, click here.


  1. ^ Let’s take this situation, for example. One hundred percent of commentators – including the experts whose advice the original writer sought – agree that this woman is over-reacting.

    I went a step further and suggested that this situation is almost definitely symptomatic of larger emotional issues. That makes me an emotionally manipulative “gaslighter?” When almost 40 out of 40 impartial observers can agree that she’s out of line?

    Sometimes that gas light reveals things we’d rather have left in the dark.

  2. ^ That article places blame squarely on male shoulders while letting women off the hook altogether through a series of sweeping generalizations, selective examples, and self-justifying anecdotes. You don’t think that’s problematic?

    The comments section below was far better balanced and more insightful.

  3. I agree with the above comment to an extent. I don’t think that you’re “needy.” Many people I know talk to their BF’s regularly throughout the day in some form or another, and those who live together do at least make time for dinners and small talk before bed. For others, they’re perfectly happy seeing that person once a month! The bigger issue I see is that instead of dissecting yourself here, think about what makes you feel good. If you want more communication as Jayann said, then you need to find a man who is willing to do that. It’s all about compatibility. Some comments on here seem a little harsh. Certainly neediness is unattractive but some women turn table scraps into gold nuggets. I think there needs to be more emphasis on compatibility rather than making it sound like a woman’s emotional problems if she wants a “sensitive” man (another word I don’t care for). Too genderized.

  4. all men r different..if u want a more sensitive type,then get one. most men i ve been with want to know what im up to…hence calls. Remember, whatever needs u r not getting emotionally are important. Also, men LOVE to talk about themselves mostly…they will talk FOREver…who cares..girls saying dont expect alot dont get alot..go find what u need!!!

  5. I wish me and my boyfriend talked 30-45 mins a nite. We only text. We used to talk all the time when we were friends but alot of stuff (drama) happened since then. And we’re finally together now trying to work it all out but we dont talk when were not together just text. Thats def all in her head.

  6. Wow! 45 mins a DAY? I don’t think, except for a medical conference with our pediatrician, My Man and I have EVER had a 45 minute phone conversation.

    When we were “dating” (years ago, at least 5 of them an Open Relationship) we’d talk the day before or the day OF getting together. For about 5 minutes, ‘Ya wanna go out tonight?” “Yeah, OK, what do you want to do.”….silence…”I don’t know. I’ll pick you up at 7:00.” Even now, it’s a 2 minute “check in” once or twice a day, unless one of the kids is sick or in trouble. He thinks “The phone is for Communicating data and the exchange of pertinent information, not a form of entertainment.” What a fun guy! LOL!

    He HATES the phone. Leaves his cell at home half the time, and doesn’t realize it until he’s halfway home, at the store, thinking of calling me to ask what to pick up for dinner. He has, get this, about 6 or 7 people on his quick dial list. Me, the kids, his ma, my ma, my dad, his best buddy, his buddy’s wife (to find his buddy if HE forgot his phone) and the Veterinarian. *sigh*

    Texting? My Man literally does not know how, and has NEVER done it. If I call when he is driving I get a curt, “I’m driving! I’m not going to get killed just to talk on the phone with you, make it fast or I’ll talk to you when I get home.” And, he LOVES me….. 🙂

    I’d say 30 to 45 minutes a day is a LOT for a lot of men. Just my opinion from my experience.

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