Dear Em & Lo: On Average, How Often Do BJs Occur in Relationships?

photo by Public Domain Photos

Dear Em & Lo,

What is the average number of BJ’s a guy in a relationship receives? (FYI: I’m a straight guy.)

— Joe Blow

Dear Joe,

The actual average, even the more accurate median number (if they were somehow knowable, which they’re not) would be totally misleading, because the amount varies so incredibly wildly from relationship to relationship.

There are some people who really hate performing fellatio, who find it so distasteful or gag-inducing they’d rather gnaw on a dirty garden hose than go down. There are even guys who don’t like receiving BJs (it’s true!). Then there are the gals (and guys) who are soooooo into giving them and the guys who are sooooo into receiving them that it borders on a fetishization of the act. And of course, people fall everywhere along the spectrum between these two love-it/hate-it extremes.

And so the fellatio preferences of people in relationships rarely line up exactly — it’s practically mathematically impossible! Person A thinks it’s downright nymphomaniacal that person BJ seems to want one a few times a month while person BJ can’t understand why person A isn’t loving his unit every day like it was a creamcicle in August…in Yuma, AZ…during a severe drought.

Enter: communication, negotiation and compromise. In a committed, loving relationship, both parties should be able to discuss their differing sexual preferences and try to come up with a solution that satisfies both parties. Sometimes this just isn’t possible: one guy might need BJs to feel sexually attractive, virile and fully sated, while giving them makes his partner feel degraded, uncomfortable and nauseated — not exactly a match made in heaven. And if neither person is willing to budge without feeling some lingering resentment, then it’s probably a deal breaker.

But that’s an extreme case. BJs — or, for that matter, cunnilingus, doggy, anal, bondage, etc — they’re each just one sex act out of many. Try focusing on the things you both really enjoy. And maybe you could negotiate the occasional BJ on birthdays, holidays, and Leap Years. Hey, absence might make the dick grow fonder!

Em & Lo



  1. I’ve never been too geeked about bj’s but I would do it out of obligation for a previous boyfriend probably everytime we had sex (terrible relationship lol). with my current boyfriend it’s a rare occurrence and if I do do it, it’s not for very long. I’ve found that.I don’t like to do one thing for very long when it comes to foreplay. thankfully, he’s into other things so I can concentrate my efforts elsewhere.

  2. I actually love to give my husband head. On weekdays I’m so tired from work that he only gets it once a day or everyother day…but on weekends he gets it a minimum of 2-3 times a day. What can I say I like my man to be satisfied 😉

  3. My last bf said I was the ‘best he’d ever had’ in the bj department. I believe him…I’m good. But I gave him about 30 bj’s to one going down on me. He demanded that I was freshly showered the one time. I asked him if a quick cleaning was ok, but he said no. Needless to say, he’s an ex.

  4. It’s kinda important, at least for me, whether you’re talking about “to completion.” I mean, there is definitely some oral sex as a part of every time my partner and I fuck unless it’s some sort of crazy in-the-broom-closet-at-a-party quickie, but I think both of us tend to get stimulated by 10 or 15 minutes of oral and then want to move on to other forms of penetration. It’s fun to have him come in my mouth, and I do sometimes miss it when we’ve gotten more PIV/PIA focussed, but really to be totally cliche, isn’t it kind of all about balance?

  5. If my girlfriend gave me a BJ to completion everyday, I would be thrilled! I would trade anything for that..foot massages, shopping, chick flicks, double dates with people I dislike, you name it. Why she doesn’t comes down to one thing: she’s usually too tired or lazy. We have an amazing relationship – plenty of sex, great communication, we love each other and have a blast together. So not getting a BJ everyday doesn’t affect our relationship negatively, but man would it help. I really don’t understand why women don’t just do that. It takes all of 5 minutes and you could get ANYTHING out of us. Seriously, why is this not happening? If women wanted oral sex from us everyday we’d jump at the opportunity.

  6. I give BJs every day. My boyfriend and I have sex daily, and that is an important part of foreplay for him, so I am more than happy to do that to please him.

  7. In today’s world, oral sex is like yesteryear’s handshake. You’d better find out about what importance it is to you and your partner before you commit yourselves to a relationship. If this is off balanced, you can be sure the desiring partner will get it elsewhere.

  8. I too give them every time my husband an I have sex. That is usually 6 times a week on average. I’ll occasionally slip one in on days we don’t do it. That’s just me though. What can I say. I love pleasing my man.

  9. I do not understand this bait and switch thing – unless you have young children, in which case, sorry, nothing that requires extra effort is happening in the bedroom anytime soon. Is this really happening to people under 50 without children? What’s going on?

  10. I’ve been in a committed relationship for a few years. I give them regularly, almost every time we have sex. We have sex around once a week. (would like to have sex more often, but whatever).

    I like giving. I don’t really care to receive (i can never really get into it, too much pressure to enjoy it).

  11. I agree with Johnny – and if she just doesn’t want to blow you, guess what: Then you won’t get any BJs. Because there’s no way you could “convince” her to do something she doesn’t want to do without your being a total and complete asshole, or even a rapist.

    If she doesn’t want to give you BJs, you can either accept that and stay with her – or not accept it and go.

  12. It could depend on how many orgasms his partner is receiving. If she is already satisfied, more blowjobs are likely to be on the menu. If she isn’t, sucking him off may seem like a wasted opportunity.

  13. My crystal ball tells me that you’re asking this question so you can quote data at your GF when she won’t blow you.

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