Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?
Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers). I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard. Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women. To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness. I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes. And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had. How then can I hold a partner to a different standard? I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that. That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case. I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. Unless a guy’s got a fetish or extreme dominance in one of those areas (i.e., a body-builder won’t care about a girl’s bulging biceps), it’s a turn-off to be second banana or subordinate. Truth be told, he’ll also feel a little bit jealous (it’s a big competition between guys since we were teenagers). And lastly, we want our girl to be a virgin slut, and we need to pretend that if we’re not the first, then at least we’re the best.
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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
The “primal need for dominance” bit made me cringe. Bullshit. Tell that to all the male submissives out there.
Like straight married guy, I didn’t amass large numbers. And yes, I could find the numbers game bothersome, troublesome, etc. However, there is an easy way to avoid it and not let my stupidity streak take hold. I just didn’t/don’t play that game. While questions about sexual health need to be discussed with a new partner, everyone’s entitled to their past. The easiest way to not care about it is to not make it an issue. There are a lot more interesting things to learn about a new partner than their body count.
It drove me nuts as a younger and less experienced man. It bothers me less now that I’m older, and now that I’ve made a point of amassing a respectable number of my own.