by Dr. Margaret Paul for YourTango
Don’t give up.
The problem is generally not a lack of sexual desire in the marriage — it’s that they are not interested in sex with their partner.
Sexuality in long-term relationships is the result of loving energy flowing between two people. If something is blocking this loving energy, the sexual energy between them often gets blocked as well.
There may be many reasons for the loving and sexual energy being blocked, but the most common is what I call the “pull-resist relationship system.”
Here’s how it works in a sexless marriage:
One partner, I’ll call him Bill, ‘pulls’ on his wife, Jan, for time, approval, attention, appreciation, as well as for sex. Bill may pull with niceness, caretaking (giving in order to get something back), gifts, withdrawal, anger, blame, or threats.
These behaviors are a ‘pull’ when Bill is coming from an empty place within, a vacuum-like black hole that wants to get filled through approval, validation, and sex.
In fact, sex may be the main way, aside from work, that Bill’s worth as a man gets validated and his inner emptiness gets filled up. It may be the main way that he feels loved.
Jan, rather than feeling loved by the niceness, gifts, withdrawal, anger, or blame, feels objectified. She feels that Bill is being nice or angry to manipulate her into having sex — not because he genuinely wants to give to her and express his love for her, but because he wants to get love from her.
He comes to her like a needy little boy, wanting to get validated, filled or released. She ends up feeling used and drained when they have sex rather than loved.
She doesn’t want to be used and controlled by Bill, and because she is not attracted to him when he is being a needy little boy, her whole body goes into resistance and she no longer feel sexually attracted to him.
Of course, it could be the other way around, with the woman pulling and the man resisting being used and controlled by her. The same pattern commonly exists in same-sex relationships as well.
In this pull-resist system between Bill and Jan, a number of changes need to occur for the passion to come back in their relationship.
Bill needs to stop trying to control Jan. He needs to learn how to take responsibility for his own feelings and wellbeing — for validating himself and filling himself with love, rather than always trying to have control over getting something from Jan.
Jan needs to learn to speak her truth rather than either complying (having sex even when she doesn’t want to) or resisting. She needs to tell Bill that she is not turned on to him when he is pulling on her for sex, or for anything else such as time, attention, appreciation or approval.
Until she is ready to speak her truth, without blame or judgment, about his emptiness and neediness, Bill cannot understand what the problem is. He will think it is just because she is frigid or has some other sexual problem, and will not understand his responsibility in their marital system.
Most women are turned on by a man when he is in his power, feeling good about himself. Neediness is not a turn-on. Men, too, are often not turned on to a needy woman, a woman who needs him to make love to her for her to feel safe, worthy and lovable.
The same holds true in same-sex relationships. In our society, it’s more common for men to attempt to get their validation through sex than it is for women, which is why more men than women pull for sex.
In either case, both partners need to do their Inner Bonding work so they can become strong enough to be truly loving with themselves and each other.
Dr. Margaret Paul is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, and educator. Join her for her 30-Day at-home Relationships Course: “Loving Relationships: A 30-Day at-Home Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul — For people who are partnered and people who want to be partnered.”
This article was originally published at Inner Bonding and YourTango: “Why Marital Sex Often Dies A Very Slow Death (And How To Fix It)”
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