We usually don’t dignify the crazies with a response, but we just can’t let this one go: A string of reader responses got us so infuriated that we decided to dedicate an entire column to setting him straight (no pun intended). We’ve edited his comments for space and readability while maintaining their warped content and spirit:
Hey Em & Lo,
What will happen when a straight couple who’s used a strap-on splits up? After months of penetration and a subsequent break up, where is the guy going to satisfy his newly acquired desire to be penetrated? It is not easy to find another woman that would want to do this to a guy. Yes, online it appears all women do it, but in real life, most women would be horrified at the idea of using a strap on on their BF and would make fun of a guy who enjoys getting penetrated. So it will take time and effort to find another woman like that.
In the meantime, with whom is this man going to talk about his desire to be penetrated? To his straight friends? I do not think so. To his female friends? Not unless they are strap-on girls, which is highly unlikely. Will he talk to homosexual guys about the issue, not because he himself is homosexual, but because they have something in common? Will he someday allow a man to penetrate him even though he still considers himself straight because he does not like men, because he thinks “It’s basically just the same thing as a strap on.”
Let me make an analogy: After a few years in a war zone becoming desensitized to guns and killing and shooting humans, a normal citizen could end up becoming a criminal. Now, not all men are secret criminals. A guy might not be genetically predisposed to become a criminal, but the the trauma of being in a military situation that involves weapons training combined with his confusion, weakness, stress and financial issues might make him prone to falling into a life of crime.
Similarly, a guy can become desensitized by getting dominated with a strap on. I am not saying that a straight man that gets done with a strap on will automatically become gay (unless he is already gay, a closeted homosexual or a feminine guy learning he likes that). What I am saying is that man, once alone, without the GF that used to bend him over, will still crave being penetrated. The guy in question might not become gay because he was a secret gay man, he might become gay because he needed to satisfy a need (penetration) that developed from a risky experiment with a girl that he wanted to try it with or that once asked him to bend over. Once the defense mechanisms are gone, he might end up somewhere he never intended nor wanted to be.
Women seem to play with bisexuality like a game, they go in and out of it with no real consequences. But men are different: a man that plays with homosexuality never goes back like women do. By bending a man over for her pleasure, she’s not necessarily turning that man into a homosexual, but yes, she’s taking him to the doorstep of that road. Does she have the right to do so? I think these women are destroying a human being just for the sake of their fantasy. If it was a married couple, I see no problem: the woman has the commitment to stay with the end product of her making. But if it is just a BF/GF thing, guys beware, you might end up becoming a completely different person. Would you turn gay? Not necessarily, but by parallel destinations, you might end up in gay guys’ company, the only ones able to hear you once you are alone.
All I am saying is that it is a ride with no return. Once you are used to being penetrated, you will never go back from that.
— James
Hey James,
It’s time to bend over. Not for a strap-on session, but for a spanking! Because you’ve been a very naughty boy, tainting our usually thoughtful comments section with your own brand of crazy. But don’t worry, we promise you won’t become a reluctant BDSM lifestyler from our walloping…
There are several holes (oh man, the puns are effortless) in your argument. But before we begin poking at them, let’s all agree that we are not talking about repressed homosexuals who are in denial about their sexual orientation. Okay then:
First, you cannot compare an otherwise well-adjusted person’s experience with intense military combat involving the massacre of human beings that results in post-traumatic stress disorder to a pleasant, consensual sexual experience between well-adjusted adults. In the simplest terms: the former is bad, the latter is good. One is outside the realm of healthy human experiences; the other is well within the realm of healthy sexual experimentation with someone you trust.
Second, if some people were so desperate for a specific sex act after a break-up — let’s say, oral sex — then by your argument, there would be many more cases where otherwise well-adjusted people felt compelled to turn to their golden retrievers for their similar licking abilities. We’re not saying this hasn’t happened in the history of sex and pets, but that’s not a legitimate, reasonable or logical reason for people to avoid cunnilingus or fellatio altogether with partners they care about.
(In fact, you inadvertently make butt sex sound soooooo enjoyable — enjoyable enough that it would drive people to extreme lengths — that we’re sure you’ve convinced a few people to see what they’ve been missing out on.)
Third, if you’re a decidedly straight guy who enjoys anal play but suddenly finds himself without a female partner, there’s no need to go against every sexual instinct you’ve experienced since childhood and suddenly go gay: you can simply choose from a plethora of butt-safe toys to replicate the sensation during masturbation. You might even find that watching it happen to someone else whilst you masturbate is enough – you really won’t know you try. There are plenty of videos on sites like TubeV Sex that you can attempt this with. Sheesh.
Fourth, while you say not every guy would automatically start engaging in homosexual acts, you suggest that bum-loving is a ride you can never get off. We will happily admit that some people may try a sexual activity, enjoy it thoroughly, and then want to include in their repertoire on a regular basis from then on. Everyone has their preferences. But to suggest that once you go “back” you can never go back — no matter who you are — is ludicrous. Plenty of people are happy to try new things, enjoy them, but then can take them or leave them. Again, the average person could certainly go without, due to a breakup or an unwilling partner they cared about. And plenty of guys will try strap-on sex and not like it (believe it or not!).
Fifth, you talk about women who enjoy wearing strap-ons with their male partners as if they were all master sexual manipulators stripping men of all willpower and masculinity without a care for anything but their own sexual fantasies and satisfaction. Um, it takes two to tango. If a guy doesn’t want his backdoor knocked on, there’s no way his girlfriend is somehow sneaking in a strap-on dildo. Even if his girlfriend is Angelina Jolie.
Speaking of masculinity, if you think being penetrated is feminine, then you’re sexist. If you think enjoying anal play is gay, then you’re a homophobe. And we don’t tolerate either around these here 21st-century parts. As we’ve said before, nerve endings aren’t gay or straight, people are. Sex is all about context, which is why almost no women get turned on by tampon insertion. You engage in sexual activities with people you are attracted to — that’s a large part of what makes them enjoyable. If you’re not attracted to the person on a primal level, you’re not going to enjoy the sex. So if you’re not into guys, you’re not going to enjoy one of them intimately massaging your prostate. But if you’re into girls, then you very well may like having one travel down your hershey highway, because it’s chockful of nerves that respond to stimulation (the right kind of stimulation, whatever that is for you).
All this is not to say that for some people sexual orientation is not fluid. Many people are bisexual, of course. And there’s nothing wrong with experimenting with partners you trust, whether they fall in line with your current sexual orientation or not. Would that make you gay? Only if you want it to. The range of sexual activity is so wide that we believe you should define yourself however you see fit, even if it’s not neatly black or white. It’s your sexual identity — own it. So please don’t go poo-poo-ing others for wanting to play around with sexual roles. That’s usually where they can broaden their horizons, see how ridiculous some of the assumptions they have about sex or gender roles are, and have the most fun!
Now go blow it out your arse,
Em & Lo
Hi Xexe.
I read your post and it makes sense. The only problem I have with it is that you are assuming that I belive that homosexuality is bad, evil etc.
But at least you explain your point intelligently. Too bad others like the poster after yours resorts to insults, in an attempt to daub my image.
One thing that I have said earlier, and it is in every one of my posts, implicitly and explicity, I am not homophobic. I am straight though, so being straight does not mean being homophobic, at the same time, being accepting of others means that, acceptance and coexistence, it does not mean endorsement or countenance.
My view is geared towards straight men that want to experiment with the infatuation of seing a woman with a strap on on. To those men that are feminine, ( like the BF of a woman in the original page for this topic ), or guys that play BDSM acting submissive or dominant, etc, to those guys my best of luck.
My advise is for those men that are happy heterosexual men and that are about to engage in a new practice. I am the word of caution, not the word of bigotry.
A word of caution is sound advise. All I say is that there are consequences and those consequences have to be thought over in advance.
This is not about homosexuals being bad because they like anal sex, I never saud that, and I challenge you to quote me on anything of that sort. This is about heterosexual men that are about to engage, like I said before, in a new practice that can change their outlook on sex. It could, it might not, hence my caution appeal.
You talk about a man that could discover that anal sex is good, and even discover that he has gay tendencies. I am not talking about the case of a man that is a closet gay guy or a man that wants to try homosexual sex, again, I am talking about a guy that is straight, and that might get involved in this activity to please his GF, or to please a psycological infatuation with beautiful women wearing strap ons.
I never said that a man will “become gay”, or catch a homosexual bug like some said before in their reply attacks. Those are fabrications of facts, I never said that. What I said is that a guy that will develop a tatse for being anally penetrated ( as attested by Henry and Jonhy ) will develop a need for that practice.
That is the Caveat Emptor advise I want to bring in. I am sure many people around the world , in regards to many subjects, be it sex, drugs, financial practices, sports, you name it, many people engaging in risky behavior or activities would had liked to hear some words of caution at that right time, just before they engaged in that life changing activity.
Financial practices could lead to jail time. Risky sports could lead to crippling injuries, suntanning saloons could lead to skin cancer…..there is a time when advise comes a little too late, words of caution are advise that is given with the best of intentions, there is nothing for me to gain in using my time writting this reply to you.
Have a nice day Xexe.
I’m keepin this short & sweet…….I’m reminded of the saying, ‘Inside every homophob is a gay man/woman fighting to get out’. This guy wants to be ‘penetrated’ so bad he can’t stand it!!!
James,
You speak of homosexuality like there is something inherently wrong with it. You compare it to crime (presumably violent crime), and you describe the inadvertent discovery of anal pleasuring as if it were like some poor kid being forced to shoot smack, only to develop a desperate, unhealthy addiction to it. As Em and Lo already said, they’re apples and oranges. Or apples and grenades. Sex, for most people, is not a crippling addiction and, as long as it is consensual, is not in any way a crime. So, I don’t understand why you insist on calling this experimentation “risky,” and that “a straight man playing with strap-ons is playing with fire, with his life.” Especially the ‘life’ part. So what if a guy discovers he really likes being poked in the butt? Let’s just say that he likes it SO MUCH that he wants it all the time, to the point that he goes to the first gay bar he sees and asks a dude to do him doggy style–except, hold on, he doesn’t dig dudes nearly as much as he digs girls with strap-ons. So is he going to grind his teeth and weep and despise himself while someone fucks him in the ass AND blissfully orgasm at the same time? James, that is crazy talk. I’m not saying it’s impossible, because some people DO get off on humiliation and self-deprecation, but that’s still a bit of a wild scenario.
The reason why it’s crazy is because, as others have pointed out, there are so many other options before this apparent ‘last resort.’ More girls than you know are into pegging, and there are many anal toys available for masturbation–and let me remind you that that’s what most of us do when we’re horny and there’s no one else around to scratch that itch. We masturbate.
Let me bring up an analogy that actually does fit this issue a little better. You express concern over a man developing an unhealthy appetite for being anally penetrated, but… what about the men who try “regular-ass” anal sex with their girlfriends and discover that they really like it? I mean, really really really like it? I imagine you assumed it’d be relatively easy to find girlfriends willing to be screwed in the butt, but… you know, a LOT of women don’t like anal sex. I know I don’t, and I don’t know of any of my friends who enjoy it either. But, as with the previous scenario, if this guy likes it SO MUCH that he wants it all the time, to the point that he cannot wait around for a girl who will concede to having butt sex, and instead he goes to the people that will -definitely- be willing to be anally penetrated: the gays. And once again, in order to satisfy his extraordinary need to insert his penis into an anus, he finds himself screwing a homosexual man despite the fact that he is not attracted to this men at all.
Say what?
By the way, the problem with either of these scenarios is not that the protagonists are now becoming homosexual against their will (I mean, moral judgments on homosexuality aside, it really is erroneous of you to call them homosexual if they feel no actual attraction for men. They are attracted to either having things in their butt or putting their junk in other people’s butts.). The problem is that the protagonists are both exhibiting serious self-restraint issues, to the point where they are doing things that are unpleasant to themselves in order to get off.
So, James, if you are trying to address the problem of sexual dependency or sexual compulsivity, then good for you: sex addiction is a real and stigmatized problem suffered by many people. But trying to establish a relationship between anal sex and sex addiction is a little questionable.
I just came across this site, and I do agree with what em & lo have to say on this matter.
However, to Dave W, what’s with you wanting to ask james when he was “saved”? By assuming that a closed-minded person is a Christian, you’re just showing your own closed-mindedness.
For the record, my husband and I are a Christian couple who happen to enjoy kinky sex with each other on occasion… including anal play on him. And no, it has not made my husband any more attracted to men lol 🙂
James, why is it that only the people who agree with you to some extent or another are the ones who are participating “in a civilized manner” without being “threatened and defensive”? It seems to me that you do, in fact, feel defensive, because you are doing that which you claim others on here are doing – which is completely discounting any opinions other than your own.
James,
By your logic, couldn’t you also argue that gay men shouldn’t have anal sex with each other lest they love it so much that they, in a moment of anal-pleasure fueled desperation, let a woman peg them? Or that people should not engage in any sexual acts lest they lose control of themselves and end up doing it with someone of the same sex?
That paints a pretty bleak picture of people’s ability to exert control over themselves, and of all the great activities they would miss out on.
Henry, Johny, thanks for your participation. The rest of the panelists are reacting and defensive.
We have to accept others have different points of view. Unfortunately some people attack instead of engaging in exchange of ideas.
Yes, yes, I heard it all, troll, attention seeker, salvation, creationist….very clever tricks that have as intention discredit that person that thinks otherwise. The inteligent can see through that cloud of name caling.
Let’s see and wait for more comments. I am glad to participate, in a civilized manner, without feeling threatened nor defensive.
James.
I don’t know. I can see his point about once ridden you will always want it. I believe I have changed to a different person. I crave it like crazy with my wife. Maybe we do it 4 times a year. It took 10+ years together to get her to do it to me. I can’t image any of my other gf’s ever doing this.
If she weren’t with me???? It’s sad to see the guys begging for it on Craigslist etc etc.
He is nothing but a judgmental, attention-seeking troll.
I probably should have read this post before responding in the previous one. These are all very good points. Gosh, I hope he doesn’t come lurking again. If he does, I might have to distract him by asking about when he got “saved”.
Scott, thanks for reminding us about the toys! That was one of our first reactions to his argument — just get a freaking toy! We knew we had left something out — there were just so many wrong things to address, that one slipped through the cracks. We’ve updated our response to include this important point.
He’s right about one thing – once you get used to penetration, you’ll never want to give it up!
This is a great reply. My wife and I occassionally (maybe one or two times a year) have strap on sex which I think we both enjoy it. If we broke up for some reason it would be no different any other breakup. Without a partner most of us would fall back to masturbation and anyone who enjoys having their butt played with has available a wide assortment of toyes like aneros to use until they find another partner. It surely would have no effect on what kind of partner I would look for other then hopefully a partner that is kinky and willing to experiment with all things sexual.
Emandlo-
Yet more evidence that I made the right decision in tattooing your logo in a small, discreet location. My own assessment of the ‘James’ series was to either write it off as a troll or the brain droppings of a benighted lunatic. By turns I was moved to either ignore them, fight the urge to tap him on the melon with a lemon peel wrapped around a large brick or stash the whole mess in the root cellar of my psyche with Rick Santorum’s infamous “man on dog” diatribe. Your response is Sterling and far superior. Thanks for being grown-ups.
Um… I’m pretty sure women who enjoy strap-on play aren’t nearly as rare as this guy thinks. Just like women who masturbate every day, or women who actually watch and enjoy porn, or women who have higher sex drives than their boyfriends/husbands aren’t as rare as people always assume. Yeah, it’s probably not something the girl is going to offer on the first date, but any kind of “kinky” sex play is generally saved for when both parties have greater trust in each other, most of the time.