photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years — this might refer to love, or it may apply simply to a friendship or business relationship. Shame on you for even considering it, by the way! Think of everything they’ve ever done […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You’re gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you’re gonna be smooth like Fleischmann’s Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It’s so silky, so creamy, we swear you’ll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Blame it on hormones, blame it on too many romantic comedies last week, blame it on springtime–whatever it is, you’ve got the urge to merge. Permanently. Avoid socializing in your same old haunts, lest you wind up making a lifelong commitment to your favorite barfly–think outside the […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) There’s all kinds a’ passion, as Bubba might say. Love-passion, sex-passion, football-passion, jealous-passion. Mistaking one for the other can lead to trouble. taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) So maybe Paula Abdul believed that opposites attract, but since when do you take dating advice from a pill-popping ex Idol […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form: aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Let’s get physical Sang Olivia Newton. […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Being as mysterious as the “special house meat” will work in your favor this week. taurus […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s what we’re paid to do) — […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Go on that blind date, the one your friend keeps nudging you to pursue. Strangely enough, […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it’s hard, and you’d rather […]

photo by Simply Schmoopie Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t […]