Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-01-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s what we’re paid to do) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your nose hairs. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using online dating, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your nose hairs first.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your energetic nature — frequently dissed by those close to you as “spazziness”–will attract all the right people this week. So don’t tone it down, no matter how many dirty looks you get from strangers in public places. Will those strangers be taking you home for a night of passion later? We didn’t think so.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Mercury retrograde has been over for a few weeks now. We have no idea what this means, but we think it bodes well for your romantic life. Especially since you are beginning to feel more like settling down. We don’t know how we know that either, but it’s true, right? Creepy, we know.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Someone will want you to make a commitment that you aren’t really ready for. So don’t close that deal — be it financial, business, romantic, or bootylicious.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been wookin’ per nub in all the wrong places. Your next dose of sumthing-sumthing is going to spring from a very strange source, so make sure you’ve always got good underwear on, even if you’re just swinging by the pet cemetery on your way to the podiatrist to have your in-grown toe-nail operated on.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Holy booty, Virgo! You’re going to have one heck of a time fighting off all your suitors this week. Seriously, the more you flirt, the more action you will get. Virgo, you’re our hero. Bring a trusty sidekick along to help you in these “battles.”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will go to a business event where drinks are being served. You will be introduced to someone who sparks your interest. You are to schedule playtime with them immediately. You are getting very sleepy. You will send $5000 in unmarked bills to Em and Lo.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Who’s gonna drive you home…tonight? You are, baby, ’cause you’re in the driver’s seat of the lovemobile this week! Just obey all speed limits and yield where necessary, because if you fight the law, the law will win.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Why you always puttin’ up a front? Whether it’s throwing around the benjamins, talking smack, or dressing like a pimpmaster or a prep, you’re constantly drawing attention to yourself in an effort to impress. But instead of coming across as an ultra-hip mover and shaker, you look more like a two-year-old jumping up and down in a saggy diaper shouting “Look at me! Look at me!” This week, grow up.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will be full of heady, romantic ideas and ready to do whatever it takes to win over the object of your affection this week (including performing a duet with Times Square’s Naked Cowboy clad only in boots and a ten-gallon hat). According to the stars, your persistence and determination will lead to “a very interesting relationship.” Which might be a good thing, or might just be…interesting.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you feel like someone’s backing you into a corner, then dump them. Of course, you, Aquarius, could feel backed into a corner on the open, sprawling moors of England. Make sure you’re not blowing any pressure out of proportion. Is it really so big a deal for them to leave a toothbrush at your house if they’re ending up in your bed, at your invitation, every night? The matching track suits, however, is grounds to lose their number forever.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re in the driver’s seat, you’re running at the head of the pack, you’re playing hard to get, you’re a cool rider, you’re a hot-headed luvver, you’re, well, you’re all those things that make people want you for the wrong reasons. Damn you. Now go away and enjoy it all and don’t come back until you’ve got some real problems.