Your Weekly Stars: Valentine’s Day Edition

photo by stevefaeembra

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Act like a bimbo/himbo this week. That means no heated debates about the economic crisis, no pontificating about Picasso’s Blue Period, no deep philosophizing about existential angst and who would win a naked mud-wrestling match, Camus or Sartre. Dumb it down, lest your attempts at sounding impressive just come across as depressive. Think light, airy and breezy — kind of like an old Summer’s Eve commercial. Don’t ask any tough, probing questions either; just the simple ones written on those heart-shaped, pastel candies: “Will you be my Valentine?” and “Wanna get laid?”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If relationships are like Hallmark greeting cards, then your latest fling is a tricked-out, ten-dollar, love-ditty playing, oversized monstrosity of a thing. And inside it’s completely blank.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your week will get progressively better when it comes to love and romance. Duh, because Valentine’s Day is coming. Don’t do nothing. If there is someone who interests you, send them a homemade Valentine’s card.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Expect nothing and you’ll be infinitely happy. For example, don’t expect a romantic, candlelight dinner at a fancy, five-star restaurant followed by a dessert of fresh strawberries in a penthouse suite jacuzzi followed by sex the authors of the Kama Sutra would be proud of. Because you ain’t gonna get it.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t shoot your wad on the 14th: your relationship may not be all that it appears.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Remember how this time last year, you were lying in your room listening to Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on an endless repeat loop? Be thankful that this February you’re walking on sunshine! And be careful not to step on any little people who are spending this Valentine’s week thinking about how once upon a time they were falling in love, and now they’re just falling apart.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You are in a romantic cycle. And that’s not just ’cause you work at Hallmark and are surrounded by chintzy cellophane hearts and roses. No, this is astrological. And it’s not going to last. So make it count.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Someone will confront you in a dark alley this week. They’ll speak to you in hushed tones, back you into a corner, and open one side of their jacket to reveal their heart. It’ll be big and red, maybe made of cardboard with a lace trim. They’ll offer it to you free of charge, no questions asked, just to try to get you hooked. When you hesitate, they’ll try to intimidate you: “All the cool kids are celebrating Valentine’s Day. What are you, a frozen chicken?” If you know you can’t handle it, don’t give into the pressure. Just say no.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Three things can ruin Valentine’s Day: musical greeting cards, forgetting to make a dinner reservation, and jealousy.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week your love life is like a box of chocolates. All you have to do is pick one. Just be sure to avoid the ones filled with orange creams — they always suck.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We know it’s Valentine’s Day and all, but that’s no excuse for rushing things that aren’t ready to be rushed, and it’s no excuse for coming on all hot and heavy. Commitment-phobes don’t become marriage-ready at the stroke of midnight on February 13th — and if they do, chances are they’ll turn back into a big fat non-committal pumpkin at the stroke of midnight on the 14th.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Someone from your past is likely to try to come back into your life and exploit the sentimental romance of Valentine’s Day. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.