Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-03-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No pressure, but if you’re wishy-washy and indecisive for much longer, you’re going to be stuck with a brand new decision: Die alone, or die surrounded by your seven devoted cats. So strap one on and pick someone already.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone who is already attached may try to fool you. Watch out for hotties who only ever call you from the office, who never answer their phone when you’re in the room, who get fidgety and nervous in wide open public spaces, or those who wear capes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your ability to be a creative lover will prompt all sorts of possibilities in the romance department. Think of all those positions. All those toys. Imagine the possibilities. The headboard’s limit!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Chasing has never been your style. Neither has finishing what you start. But persistence will pay off this week. Whether that means you’ll finally get that special someone who stole your heart to go out with you, or you’ll catch the punk who stole your bike, we can’t be sure.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Oh, sweet Virgo, did you really think they were gonna put you in their movie?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You know how everyone’s always calling you “high maintenance,” and they pretend to be lighthearted about it but you can see that slightly annoyed look in their eyes? Like, you’re being a pain in the ass and if you’d just be a little less picky already, their life would be so much easier? Yeah, well, this is your heart we’re talking about (not to mention your genitals), so go ahead and be Meg-Ryan-in-When-Harry-Met-Sally picky. Your internal organs will thank you for it.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t lie about your intentions to any trusting (read: gullible) parties this week. Or else we’ll have to come kick your ass.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Oh, isn’t it romantic? Your eyes meet over the shoulder-high cubicle wall, your arm accidentally brushes theirs when you press the “Lobby” button in the elevator, the toilet seat is still warm from their ass when you follow them into the unisex bathroom. It’s gotta be fate, right? Sure. Or stalking, maybe. But who are we to judge? Just make sure they’re not already spoken for before taking the plunge (remember, third finger, left hand).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Cut out the diva act. You’ve been demanding attention like Nicki Minaj demands  12 bottles of Martinelli’s Apple Juice, with 6 iced and 6 at room temperature. Stamping your little feet may make a nice noise, but it’s not gonna get you laid, no matter how good your butt looks in those neon neoprene pants.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Easy there, pardner, you’re frightening the horses. Your attempts to go from zero to intimacy in sixty seconds may seem to you like “enthusiasm” but to others they reek of desperation. If you’re having trouble playing it cool, just imagine your date naked…uh…make that, pretend your date has the runs.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Has anyone ever told you, “You’re not getting asked out on dates because people are intimidated by your beauty/smarts/charm/charisma”? Well, for once, it’s actually true. But don’t fight it — the most fitting suitor will be the one who barges straight through your magnetic field and buys you a drink. (Either that or we’re just lying to cheer you up.)