Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-11-13

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it’s hard, and you’d rather put yourself first, think the worst of everyone, huff and puff at people getting in your way on the subway, complain that your lover never goes down on you, etc, etc. But just give yourself a week — okay, a day — to be kind to strangers, bite your tongue when you feel yourself start to bitch, and just be a giver in bed. This has nothing to do with your horoscope (’cause, trust us, your message from the stars was super boring), but if you take our advice, we’re sure you’ll have a great week!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You wouldn’t be the first dater in the world to prefer partners who can support you financially. But admitting this to potential partners will be about as romantically effective as showing them your ringworm infection on the first date.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Eat the last slice of pizza. Step up to the karaoke mic first. Don’t wait for the “Walk” light. Hog the limelight. Interrupt with the punchline. Finish other people’s sentences. Your friends will hate you for seven days, but it’s the only way a certain someone is going to notice you. But be warned: This is only a seven-day pass. If you continue to neglect your manners past this horoscope’s sell-by date, you’re on your own.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Do you find yourself putting off calling the person you’re dating? Do you tell him or her white lies about your whereabouts? Do you go out, get wasted, and end up doing it in the public bathroom with a near-stranger while the person you’re seeing is home writing you love letters? Well, have we got the pill for you! It’s called “Integria,” and it’ll help you grow some balls and break it off with the person who’s obviously not right for you — guaranteed!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
As Mick Jagger once said, time is on your side (and the man should know — isn’t he like 103?). Keep all your relationships as light and fluffy as frosting for now, and avoid any serious Relationship Talk. (And yes, the good angels all have the week off.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will meet someone very special if you lend a helping hand this week. Your do-good attitude will set you above any competition that might be vying for the same person’s attention. But please, people, be sincere in your volunteering; don’t become a Big Brother or Sister, a la “About a Boy,” just to score points with the hotties. And certainly don’t become a Big Brother or Sister, a la “Lolita,” to score a date on a Saturday afternoon.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
So there you were melding your sweetheart’s face and yours in Photoshop to see what your kids would look like, except they didn’t even ask you on a second date. Sucks, doesn’t it? When you’re drowning in rejection, take solace in the field.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t even worry about the dude/lady you don’t think has noticed you: There isn’t a chance in hell that he or she hasn’t. Well, maybe you should worry, depending on when they noticed you. If it was when you had one of those booger danglers, then it goes without saying that you should be very, very worried.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
While it might be true that the more people you screw, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you screw (hey, love can be a numbers game, too), it’s not necessarily the healthiest approach — mentally, physically, karmically, etc. Think about this: The more people you meet, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you meet, too. So you don’t actually have to screw all of them. Got it, Einstein?

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Life can be like a fairy tale, it just takes a little longer to get to the happy ending. Like this week, for example: toads, toads, toads, toads, toads. So don’t bother kissing any of them, unless you like getting warty lips.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You want sex? Well sex costs. And right here is where you start paying. No, not in fancy dinners or a few neatly folded bills discreetly exchanged in a seedy motel room. In sweat. The kind of sweat you work up when you’re trying to be witty, charming, engaging. You know, when you’re just being you. Have a Power Bar before you go out.