Your Weekly Stars (1-28-13)

photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ignore what we tell all the Capricorns in the house below: You Aries are simply not ready for the jump of your life. We recommend chilling in the cockpit and enjoying the complimentary bevvies while you change your mind another couple hundred times or so. This time, you might decide that you’d actually rather land while inside the plane. And that’s cool, man. (So we lied. We can take this extended metaphor and run it into the ground if we feel like it.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Did you know that sometimes the two of us sit around in lingerie trying to write on our laptops and end up in tickle pillow fights? Did you also know that there are little fairies living in our refrigerators who sprinkle star dust on our tofu and that’s how we get all our horoscope information? . . . Don’t be such a sucker, especially this week, because someone you like is going to try to make an ass out of you. Why do you even like them? They sound like a jerk.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Nervousness is likely to work against you when it comes to getting together with someone you admire. Sweating profusely, biting your nails, telling really bad jokes — all unsexy. In other breaking news, the sun is the center of our universe, we need air and food to survive, and Fox News isn’t fair and balanced…Seriously, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, just be who you are, and remember to take your anti-anxiety meds.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy shills — that’s coming straight from the stars!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Never one to shy away from trying something new, you will sign up for that new anti-stress class where you spend thirty minutes straight laughing like a hyena, or take that underwater basket-weaving class at your local school of continuing education, or go to a high-colonic spa. This will increase your chances of meeting someone “special.” Don’t hesitate to tell someone you like them, especially after they’ve just had two pounds of year-old feces manually pumped out of their abyss — nobody riding that kind of high could say no to your advances.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s not easy being the practical one, is it? There’s always someone who claims you’re raining on their parade with your boring pragmatics. How many times have you been made to feel like the grown-up who’s spoiling the kids’ fun with all your nagging about early bedtimes and the importance of broccoli? Well fret no more, because very soon, your practical nature is going to attract someone very special. And hey, when you do meet them, do us a favor and kick back, relax a little, and enjoy yourself for once, would ya?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s like you’re a giant fuzzy Care Bare — like Baby Hugs or Tenderheart — smothering someone you’ve recently met with giggles, hugs, and heart bubbles (that goes for all you male Scorps too!). Needless to say, you’re scaring the hotties. Can the teddy bear act. Turn your phone off for a day, drink some whiskey, wear some pleather, rip the tag off your mattress, do something at least a little bit bad ass.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You know how you’ve been feeling slightly less commitment-phobic of late? Well, this is about as good as it gets. So jump now into the relationship, go go go go go go go go! Seriously, it’s like free-falling from an airplane: shit-scary for a few seconds and then freakin’ cool once the parachute opens. Of course, we’re not promising you won’t break a leg if you land awkwardly…geez, we can’t keep control of an extended metaphor for that long.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, you’re going to be moodier than a goth teen who’s grounded on the only night the Cure is in town. This is mostly a result of you being confused regarding your feelings toward a certain someone. Of course, in typical moody-teen fashion, you will take out your bad mood on this same “someone.” Dude, we’d ground you, too.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You want love? Well love costs. And right here is where you start paying…in innovative date ideas. No more dinner-and-a-movie — how uninspired! If you want to impress someone this week, surprise them with a sailboat ride or a weekend at a B&B. Or do your best impression of John Cusack in Say Anything when he stands outside his true love’s window with a boom box raised overhead playing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”…On second thought..