The How To's of Designated Dialing

photo by sidewalk_flying

Drunk dialing — we’ve all been there. For the record, not all booty calls conducted under the influence are considered drunk dialing. It’s only drunk dialing if you’re making a call that you will actually regret in the morning, whether or not that call results in booty. Typically when you drunk dial, you’re calling someone you’re having sex with, someone you want to have sex with, or someone you used to have sex with…when you shouldn’t. This is particularly common after a breakup or near closing time. A designated dialer is a friend who agrees to monitor your cell phone usage and watch for you waxing nostalgic (or waxing horny) with that misty look in your eyes, which usually precipitates a drunken dial. Some tips:

  1. A designated dialer needs your prior, SOBER permission to confiscate any mobile calling devices should they find your judgment to be seriously impaired.
  2. We don’t care if you’ve never drunk-dialed in your life: If you’ve recently been dumped, we advise selecting a designated dialer, just in case.
  3. We don’t care if you’ve never drunk-dialed in your life: If you’ve just met someone new and you are determined to maintain the upper hand, select a designated dialer just in case. There’s nothing like a 2 am call too early in a relationship to put all your cards on the table.
  4. A note to designated dialers: If your friend just wants to drunk dial their BFF to slur, beer-commercial-style, “I love you, man!” there is no need to stop them. This is kind of cute, especially if your friend is not normally the emoting type.
  5. If, however, your friend tries to drunk dial his or her mom, confiscate their phone immediately. Therapy may be in order.
  6. Just because someone can’t hear you slur when you text or email, doesn’t mean that these sorts of messages can’t be equally embarrassing. So designated dialers: Feel free to confiscate mobile devices if you suspect drunk texting or emailing to be occurring, too.

This is our bi-weekly Metro column. Read it in print here.