Monogamy gets a bad rap these days — people say it’s unnatural, impossible, outdated, stifling. And, yes, sometimes it is! Especially if your wedding anniversary now contains two digits. But anything worth fighting for will usually put you through the ringer, and monogamy is no exception. So before your partner’s bad habits drive you to the brink of insanity or you start taking your fantasies about your hot, young mail carrier a little too seriously, let us remind you of 10 good reasons to keep fighting that good fight by staying true to your one and only.
Note: Please also check out our companion article, Top 10 Reasons for Being – and Staying – Non-Monogamous, in which we state: “Both monogamy and non-monogamy have their pros and cons; in both posts, we’ve tried to focus on the pros. Neither is an attempt at telling you how to be, but rather an encouragement of who you are and how you choose to be.”
1. Sex can improve with time. Monogamy isn’t just about marrying off before everything starts to sag. Age can also mean that you get to know your body better, you become more comfortable in your own skin, you leave youthful insecurities behind, and your partner learns your body so well they could navigate you blindfolded. Given enough time, you and your partner can discover untold routes to your happy place. Why would you want to keep starting from scratch and having to break out the instruction manual all over again?
2. Cuddling comes naturally. There’s no awkward pre-sleep shuffle as you try to find the best spooning position that will be comfortable all night. After years together, your bodies just naturally fall into place around each other.
3. Peace of mind about STDs. Assuming both of you are true to your vows of sexual fidelity, then you don’t have to worry about contracting any (or any more) sexually transmitted infections.
4. Freedom from relentless beauty rituals. We’re not saying that once you make a sexual commitment to someone for the long haul, all thoughts of personal hygiene and grooming should go out the window. In fact, the longer you’ve been married, the nicer it is to regularly gussy yourself up. However, the ridiculous beauty standards people — especially women — are expected to live up to these days are automatically lowered when you spend day after day after day with one partner (thank goodness!).
5. Open relationships are for an elite few. It’s the rare, highly evolved person missing the jealousy gene who can successfully navigate the complicated waters of relationships with an open door policy. We’re not saying it can’t — or shouldn’t — be done, we’re just saying most of us are mere mortals, ones who thrive from the simple security of the pair bond.
6. Cheating is addictive. It’s kind of like breaking the seal: after you’ve gotten away with it once, it’s even harder not to do again. You convince yourself that the affair made you feel more alive than you’ve felt in years, that it didn’t change your feelings for your spouse, and that what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Lies! First of all, the more often you do it, the more likely you are to get caught, especially as you get cocky about your sneaking-around skills. But more importantly, the more you cheat, the less you will respect your partner (for example, you’ll start to look down on them for being so clueless), and the less you’ll respect your own marriage. Eventually, you’ll start to view all human connections with a cynical eye. And what kind of life is that?
7. Monogamy is good for the world. Being a trusty monogamist is good citizenship as well as good karma: If you’re faithful to your partner, then that’s one less person that someone else’s spouse can cheat with. Monogamists pay it forward!
8. Kink is for couples. Dirty sex — the kind that might involve role-playing or spanking or a little light bondage — is best enjoyed with someone you love and trust completely. Letting a first date tie you up? Not such a good idea. Plus, the more domestic and settled your day-to-day life is, the hotter it is to break out the ping pong paddle at night.
9. Monogamy is meaningful. “Loyalty.” “Trust.” “Fidelity.” “Honor.” “Respect.” These are all just words until your actions either give them power and importance or deflate them. Monogamy isn’t meaningful because the church or government says so and it isn’t meaningful because you wore a pouffy white dress/crisp tux and said you wanted it to be meaningful. Rather, monogamy’s meaning expands with each day that you and your partner commit to it. And that’s some pretty powerful stuff.
10. Scrabble. Enough said.
Monogamy: Synonym = Marriage
Monogamy: Antonym = Divorce
Simple, you want to be monogamous, get married.
You don’t want to be monogamous, don’t get married.
Why argue about it? I liked the article very much. Thanks for posting.
I am loving this topic….what great insight it has given me. I am divorced. After reading all of these comments… I have become more forgiving of my husbands extra added affairs during our marriage. He surely was not getting any help with resolve of non existing sex between the two of us. I did not seek hormonal help or counseling. So I say if your marriage is worth saving do all of the above. “THAT OR MOVE ON!!”
Actually, all you pro-polygamous commentors are wrong. Maybe some of you are right in some aspects but no cigar. I’m a psychology major and I actually did a search recently about the satisfaction people obtain from polygamous marriages. After using PsycINFO (a database that stores research by psychologists worldwide) I found that satisfaction in polygamous relationships are significantly lower than satisfaction in monogamous relationships. If you’re a scientist, you know not to use your own experience to create a set rule on society. You have to observe and experiment and observe and replicate. Thank you.
I really get sad when I read these articles. I have been married 14 years and the sex has become nonexistent. Communicating hasn’t worked. Counseling hasn’t worked. She refuses to see a doctor to get her hormones checked out. I am living a nightmare.
Kink? Anything other than the missionary position on Saturday evenings is dirty, white-trash, or disturbing. I’ve tried everything, and nothing, absolutely nothing works.
Look at the statistics of people who cheat. 55% of males and close to 50% of females have cheated on their partners. When I got married I swore I would never cheat and I could not believe these statistics. I now understand why people cheat.
@Leighla….men lie….they tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. Who would refuse a woman who wants sex with no ties? You’re nothing but a cheap thrill and in this economy, he would be stupid to say no…….No matter what you look like….free stuff is all it is or he’d be trying to leave his wife for you and since that’s not happening then you are just a convenience for him. You are the perfect person to be used at whim. He still goes home to his wife and have that life while you are just a piece on the side to fulfil a need. Your husband is not ok with it that’s why he doesn’t want to know who you’re sleeping with. He already feels like a half man and you doing this is not like the others who choose to freely invite others in their relationship. He had no choice and he knew he couldn’t find anyone who wanted an impotent man. So he’s stuck with you. You are a coward, because it takes courage to walk away from a bad relationship. Also, stop fooling yourself about the wife not wanting sex. If she don’t want sex she wouldn’t care who he’s sleeping with as long as he don’t bother her and lets her go shopping or whatever she likes to do….but the woman who gets mad if she knows he’s cheating is still having sex with him……..are you that old that you have no clue? Looked in the mirror lately? How do u sleep at night knowing you’re destroying 3 lives…..his,his, and hers? you already gave up on yours.
Jane: no, it absolutely wasn’t intended to sway anyone. To quote our intro to Dan’s response article, “Both monogamy and non-monogamy have their pros and cons; in both the previous post and the one below, we’ve tried to focus on the pros. Neither is an attempt at telling you how to be, but rather an encouragement of who you are and how you choose to be.” Check it out here: https://www.emandlo.com/2010/10/top-10-reasons-for-being-and-staying-non-monogamous/
Nice comments, Dan.
This was such a lame article, for all the reasons you pointed out. Was it *really* supposed to convince anyone who doesn’t already find meaning in it?
Hear hear, Dan. Nice comments.
Read my book, A BITE OF THE APPLE, to gain more insights into the painful consequences of infidelity.
@Leighla – I hope your husband can get treatment as others have suggested. If not, I think he ought to be able to at least cuddle for your sake.
One final thought – it sounds like your husband may not know who you are sleeping with. Would he be okay with it if he knew who your partner was? Could you be slipping into a love affair?
@Leighla – You are being cruel to the woman whose husband you sleep with. Yes, we all need sex, but we are also human beings who can control how we fulfill that need. You have no right to do what you are doing. Break up with the guy and find a new partner who is available.
Don’t push your actions onto him. He is guilty of dishonesty and betrayal, but you are making it possible. You are also guilty. You are the only person you can control, so take responsibility for what you’re doing.
You are also being incredibly judgmental of the wife – she should have met his needs at home? Can you be sure he’s telling you the truth about her – he wants to have sex with you, you know? How can you be sure she doesn’t have a good reason for what she is doing? Perhaps her husband is insensitive in bed or unromantic with her and gives you all the time and attention to court you. Perhaps the two of them have built up anger and resentments over time and need to work it out. What if she’s mad at him because he doesn’t do any housework or he’s cheated on her in the past? Does he meet her needs? What are his needs? Are they completely reasonable? Has he done everything he could to talk to her about his needs? Has he turned her off by being so pushy she doesn’t want any sex any more? Does she have any physical or emotional problems?
And why isn’t he telling her? Is she afraid he will leave him? Doesn’t she have the right to make that choice? Shouldn’t she have the chance to either work things out with him and have the kind of marriage she wants or leave for someone else?
In the end, you can only know two things – 1) She doesn’t agree to this and would be upset if she found out. That makes it wrong.
2) He tells lies and breaks promises, even to someone he really loves and wants to keep in his life. This means he might sleep with women other than you and the sex is not as safe as you think it is. It also means he could be lying to you about her and the sex and just about everything.
I think you should also consider that a secret affair might be more likely to lead to a romance and that might break up your marriage.
you allmake me sick to my stomach, whatever happened to the vows you took at the altar, ? do us all a favor if you cant keep your pants on, and dont marry!
Fidelity is more important than monogamy. You can have fidelity without monogamy. it’s about sticking to your agreements with your partner, whatever they are, until you need to renegotiate. Monogamists tend to think that there’s nothing to renegotiate once you’re hitched, but that’s not true, ask anyone who’s been in a LTR more than a couple decades.
I’ll second the comment about low T. I’m 56, been using adrogel for about 9 months. I’ve feel like I’m 35 and definitely has re awakened a sexual interest. (Plus I’m not depressed, my golf game has improved and with minimal 2x week workout, I’m feeling buff as hell.)
It’s a miracle drug. So glad my doc suggested we check t-levels vs saying I was just depressed and giving me an anti-drepressant. (Which would have caused weight gain, killed my sex drive and just exasperated the problem!)
Have your husband have himself checked!
Leighla, there is treatment for Low Testosterone levels in men and women. You husband needs to ask his doctor about this right away. It ISN’T Viagra or anything like this, it’s a hormone therapy that actually replaces the testosterone that many men lose as they get older. It is easily available and his doctor should test his levels and treat him. He should be up and running in a few weeks at the most.
My Man sometimes feels his drive drop a little bit (he’s older than I am, in his 50s) but I find a filthy movie, a slutty outfit (on me) and some dirty talk and NOT taking no for an answer and he’s onboard. But, his issue isn’t constant, it’s the normal drops in drive that only last a few days in men in their 50s. If it ever gets to the day where he goes more than 4 or 5 days without sex, he IS going on Testosterone Treatment! No ifs ands or buts.
PLEASE have your husband treated. It is simple, many men need this and they respond beautifully. It could save your marriage.
I hope the two of you make the choice to save your marriage. My Man and I will do just about anything to keep our sex live going. ANYTHING. Look into Low T treatment and please don’t let him give you excuses. It WORKS. 🙂