Top 5 Kinds of Illegitimate Rape

photo by DonkeyHotey on Flickr

A big thank you to Missouri Republican Senate candidate and House Committee Member on “Science, Space and Technology,” Todd Akin (pictured above), for finally saying what no one else has had courage to say publicly: that there’s legitimate rape (you know the type: big, scary, minority stranger breaks into your house in the middle of the night, threatens you with a weapon, beats you to a pulp, sexually assaults you and leaves you for dead) and then there’s just a bad date night. For too long, the liberal, feminist, pagan, vegetarian, drug-addicted, sexually promiscuous, and amoral elite have conflated the two. Well, not any more! For further clarification, read the following list which outlines the five main types of non-rape “rape”:

  1. If you dressed provocatively. Why do you dress like that if you don’t want to get raped? You’re basically just asking for it, tempting men with your sinful curves and your devilish décolletage. How can you expect men to control themselves when you titillate them so? Try a shapeless turtleneck next time, or maybe a muumuu with a hideous floral pattern. Just look at radical Islamic countries where the women wear burkas and rape is virtually non-existent, right?
  2. If you’re fat and/or ugly. Either someone took pity on you or you bribed someone to sleep with you and now you’re having regrets about it. Because really, why would a legitimate rapist risk so much for someone that’s not even attractive? No one’s buying it, Jabba.
  3. If you’re married. Oh, you silly thing, your husband can’t rape you; he owns you. It is your obligation as a wife to honor every sexual whim of your spouse at any time. You know, “graciously submit to the authority of your husband” and all that. Should you renege on this duty, then he has every right to make you do your marital job.
  4. If you were drunk. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don’t you know that when you make an immoral mistake like drinking too much and passing out, you automatically relinquish your rights to bodily autonomy? In fact, in the most egregious cases, you actually deserve to be taken advantage of, as punishment. Maybe then you’ll learn your lesson, you alchy.
  5. If you end up pregnant. Obviously, some part of you — deep down inside — wanted this to happen. Otherwise, your body would have either physically prevented you from becoming pregnant in the first place or else eventually caused a miscarriage. Something to do with hormones creating an inhospitable environment or something like that….but let’s not get bogged down with science. Basically, a bun in the oven means you wanted it and God wanted it. And if God wanted it, then we good, conservative Christians want it, too. (That is, until it’s born — then you and the bastard are on your own.)



  1. How about the statement that a FATHER or BROTHER wouldn’t rape you. That is just something they wouldn’t do. It happens every day but according to SOME PEOPLE it never happens.

  2. If you were raped by your priest, in which case it’s more like an honor, one that you continue by protecting him and your church with your silence. Or, for that metter, your coach.

  3. Don’t forget if you’re old. No one could possible be so naive to think a rapist would bother raping an old woman. Or a man. Men can’t be raped! Silly you!

  4. Don’t forget my personal fav: If you’ve had consenual sex with this person before. You said yes at least once before, and that’s basically like handing him an all-access pass. How dare you for not liking it, not liking him, moving on, or just plain never wanting to do it again – you’ve consented before, so you’ll consent ALWAYS.

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