Wise Guys: Are You Down with Just Cuddling All Night?

sleeping_closeupphoto by MShades

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What do you guys think of a new date who wants to sleep over but doesn’t want to have sex?”

Straight Single Guy (Max): Personally, I say bravo. The longer you make me work for it the better everything will be. This applies to both the sex and any possible relationship. Girls, who so often seem only interested in those who aren’t available or interested, should know this. If you really like a guy, make him work for intercourse. Make him get creative. If he can’t take it, then ditch the dude. It shouldn’t be just about “sex right now.” As a great man once said, “The best part of the affair is the walk up the stairs.” Too many times I’ve gone all the way with a girl and then immediately lost interest. This is, believe it or not, frustrating for guys too. Mystery is good. So please, come on over and tease me. Don’t be cold, and please let me try to pleasure you in other ways, but always feel free to say “wait.”

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): I once dated a guy who had recently broken up with someone, and we were ostensibly cool with sleepovers — kissing, with shirts off, but the boxers stayed on. I wanted more; he wasn’t ready; we split after a month. But whatever the gender(s), and assuming one person isn’t sleeping on the couch, there’s so much gray area between snuggling in jammies and fucking — yes, the ever-elusive definition of “sex” — that it’s only fair for you and your “date” to be totally up front with each other about boundaries and expectations before hopping into bed. Let’s face it, though: most guys are going to try to push that boundary sooner or later (usually sooner — I did, and I tend to be too scared of rejection ever to make a move).  However, if by “new date” you mean some theoretical dude you meet at a party some night, do yourself a favor and splurge on a cab home (your own, alone), then worry about who calls whom in the next couple of days.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): This was basically my third date with my wife. She invited me to her birthday party so all her friends could check me out. I made nice with everyone and as the party started breaking up, I kept hanging around, waiting for some “alone time.” But, when that time came, she … just … really wanted to sleep. Barely let me kiss her, if I remember right. Which was fine — we had such a good time dancing and hanging out that I actually didn’t mind. That is, until the next morning when I was awakened at some ungodly early hour by her ex-boyfriend (who’d passed out early in another room). He proceeded to interrogate me about, I kid you not, “my intentions.” My guess is that if we actually had done it that night, the ex would have quickly moved on to some of those “enhanced” techniques that make Dick Cheney a war criminal. So, it seems, not sleeping with me actually saved my life.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I just fell in love with the most amazing man I have ever met, and we are both deeply in love with each other. We can’t take our eyes away from one another and he has proclaimed his love for and says it several times a day. Our love is so strong and we also have a strong element of passion and he enjoys making out and at times when it starts getting too sexual I just let him know I am not ready yet. Last night I slept over in his room because we missed each other so much and we did not have sex. It was so beautiful, and the best sleep I ever had. It made the passion between us even more exciting and more loving and I love the idea of sleeping together without sex. I want to wait with him because he is so special to me.

  2. My boyfriend and I (I am a woman) have had many sleep-overs that did not involve sex. A year and a half of dating, and no sex at all. I was very upfront right from the start that I would not be having sex with him as long as we were only dating, and he agreed to this. He knows all my reasons, and he sees the logic behind them. We do lot’s of making out, but eventually we just say good night and go to sleep in each other’s arms.

  3. If a guy doesn’t want to hurry into sex, can’t he just not make a pass in the first place? Or even, perish the thought, tell a horny woman to wait?

  4. Before my husband and I put a label on our intimate relationship we were pretty close friends, so I didn’t think anything of sleeping over his house. One night I gave him this schpele about cuddling and how it helped me sleep blah blah blah. So, we gave it a shot — that shot did not work out! The only thing cuddling did for me was fast track me right to the sex! Which I enjoyed very much! So I guess cuddling without sex is possible, as long there’s no touching! lol

  5. I love that the responses so far have all been from men!! A true glimpse into the male psyche.

  6. Yes, I’m with Johnny here. We all need some easing up into relationships – and even into casual sex ! Even guys !
    So the rule is there is no rule, and just take whatever time you want to do whatever you want to do together.

    Personnally, I find first night sex fun but a bit awkward, and sleeping over with cuddles just nice, and it makes both of you confortable for higher and better things.

  7. re Straight Single Guy:
    I think is is a bit sad that the age-old narrative of “women don’t really want sex for themselves, so they give it out as a bonus to men who have to work for it” is perpetuated on Em&Lo.

  8. Yeah, “make him work” and “get creative” sound like game-playing. How about just continuing to have a good time while being patient? You know, like, agreeing to take it slow.

  9. Straight Single Guy has it right. Here’s a lyric from Eric Anderson:

    Now and then I think about Rachael who I once followed up some steps
    And I think it was Georges Clemenceau who once said
    That the highlight of making love first time
    Was to watch a woman from behind climbing up the stairway to her room

  10. One immaculate sleep-over is fine – even fun. But no more than one. And preferably, sex immediately. My best relationships, including the one I’m in now, began with sex right away.

    Max, man… where’d you get all that? You sound like a Rules Girl.

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