Wise Guys: Do Man Crushes Really Exist?

photo by permanently_scatterbrained

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do straight guys ever have innocent “crushes” on other guys, like girls sometimes do with other girls?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

joel_derfner_100Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I don’t understand straight men anymore.  Apparently the biggest change in answers to sexuality surveys in the last ten years has been in the number of straight guys who say, well, if I had a beer or two in me, and if he was attractive enough, sure, I’d go for him.  The man who says this is a creature who didn’t exist when I was growing up.  So I’m just flummoxed by the whole thing.

But if we’re talking about utterly Platonic feelings — like, you just super-admire the guy and want to spend time around him — then I guess sure.  But still I’d put my money on some identity issue.  Like, he displays some trait that you feel you lack, and being around him makes you feel like you have it. Or maybe you’re secretly gay and you just want him to fuck your brains out.

As I say, I’m flummoxed by the whole thing.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s common. I don’t think men always think of it in terms of “crushes,” but you see it often enough. Often it’s not obvious either to the man with the crush or to the man he’s got a crush for, even though it can be pretty obvious to other.

I don’t have a lot else to say about it except that, historically, innocent “man crushes” were perfectly acceptable. In ancient times it was commonly believed that passionate love could only exist between men. More recently, Abraham Lincoln’s very affectionate letters to his best friend and frequent roommate, Joshua Speed, were recently used to suggest Lincoln must have been gay. They might have been, but in keeping with the times (when campaigning politicians frequently found themselves literal backwoods boarding-house bedfellows with their opponents on literal, backwoods campaign trails), it’s even more likely their crushes were passionate but “innocent.”

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Nope. We may admire or envy some guy for doing something awesome, but straight guys don’t have man crushes. Even with close friends, we never share clothes or call each other “BFF.” No guy understands how women can have those crazy close friendships, and we don’t even understand why women find men attractive — to straight guys, men are about as sexually appealing as a bathroom rug.

But I do think that a lot of guys have some latent homosexuality, and they probably have all sorts of feelings that I don’t have. Yesterday I saw a frat guy getting something out of his trunk, and when he leaned over his buddy pretended to bugger him, complete with hip thrusts, hand waving, and face gestures. That’s just gay.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. I’m a gay male and I have a big crush on a str8 married man. For a long time I couldnt figure out what it was. I just wanted to be near him. We went to a function and he said that he was on his way to pick me up and asked if I was ready. I said in a few…he responded and said, “who are you trying to look sexy for”…I was stunned…I can’t understand y str8 men flirt with gay men…We passed by an adult bookstore…it was kinda hidden..I deliberately asked what type of place it was…he said a sex shop and that he was going to take me there…I said ok…I like major crushin on him and I think he likes me…I’m gonna find out…ima keep ya posted…in the mean time…any suggestions.

  2. From my experience, man-crushes were not much more than an incredible admiration for another guy. Some of the people I admire the most were man-crushes, and the relationship took no further dimension than they were simply a mentor for me to admire, sans any sexual element being part of the equation.

    For me, a man-crush is a really high compliment, meaning not much more than the fact that you have influenced someone’s life in a deeply intimate way, and I hope that more guys are willing to reach out to other guys to achieve that sort of relationship. In my opinion, we’d be better, more intelligent men if we did.

  3. i heard that there can be gay animals too hahaha!! i know a few guys who are straight and fancied other men. im a female and ive had many crushes on other females, but i would still consider myself straight, becuase breasts/vagina can turn me off! usually, the feelings go away after a while with the girls ive had crushes on. maybe this happens with men and other men? i think the female body is more attractive/sexual (fairer sex) hence why women occasciaonly can have feelings for other females, as well as emotions being more maluble than men. but it is possible for men to also experience same sex crushes, yes.

  4. If LA Chris can’t tell why women find men attractive, I guess he needs help making sure he hasn’t uglified himself on occasion. Heh. Seriously though, I find that groups of straight guys deal with the gay elephant in the room by either keeping things VERY straight, or by often teasing each other with mock gay words or actions. At a friend’s wedding last year, I was confused by all the grab-ass going on with him and the groomsmen. I got a chance to mention it to him at the reception, and then added what I thought was a jab by saying, “Well, we need a release valve for that 5% gay we all have”. But without blinking, he shot back, “I thought it was 14%”. Yah, that’s commitment to odd, straight-on-straight grab-ass.

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