Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?
Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers). I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard. Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women. To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness. I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes. And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had. How then can I hold a partner to a different standard? I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that. That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case. I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. Unless a guy’s got a fetish or extreme dominance in one of those areas (i.e., a body-builder won’t care about a girl’s bulging biceps), it’s a turn-off to be second banana or subordinate. Truth be told, he’ll also feel a little bit jealous (it’s a big competition between guys since we were teenagers). And lastly, we want our girl to be a virgin slut, and we need to pretend that if we’re not the first, then at least we’re the best.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
to so cal guy,
I’m middle-aged and married young so I can count on one hand all the women I have “been with.”
I have been in a relationship with a woman who talks a lot about her younger years and recalls the recklessness of the parties and the flings and the wild places she had sex and how impulsive it was. To her, she’s sharing the story of a wild girl who sowed her wild oats, learned from it and calmed down and became a better and more responsible grown woman. So to her, the stories of those times are the important “before” in a “before and after” tale.
But to me, a guy with so little experience, the tales make me feel like I missed out on all that. I barely sowed one “wild oat” before I was engaged to get married. Of course, I wanted to date women and “be with them”, but was to insecure (I called it “focused on school”) to do anything about it.
And maybe worst of all, when she recounts how impulsive sex was “back then”, it stands in deep contrast to how “quiet and intimate” it is with me. It’s as though she used up most of her passion on all of “them” and now has just the tender side of sex left in her for me.
I’m afraid this doesn’t bode well for the relationship. The more I hear from her about how impulsive and exciting sex can be, the more I want to know that part of life. And she seems to be “past all that” already.
i dont think it should matter at all but id rather have a women who knows what feels good to them to and can say so i think it can work fore the better fore some people some people close minded it probley wont they can never see past the first one so if they throw it up to you move on you find alot better man in the long run
As a closeted hetero (to use Betty Dodson’s term), I’ve always assumed that my partner, or potential partner, is more experienced and that’s always turned out to be true. As I’ve gotten older, that differential has only increased, but it’s never been a threat to my ego in the way that it seems to be for L.A. Chris. On the contrary, a woman who’s looked around enough to have an idea of what she likes and know what she’s doing is immensely appealing. I think it’s better if at least one of us has a clue.
What the average guy tends to lose sight of very quickly is that the woman is no longer w/any of the previous partners-she’s with him now and that is really the bottom line is it not?
Dave W: Of course it does.
Some of us are turned on by the idea of our girlfriends acting slutty.
Loathe children. Ha ha. I wonder if that means, to some extent, that you loathe yourself.
I remember a “seduction community” guy talking about how for a lot of the guys he talked to it wasn’t the number of partners their girlfriend had been with, it was the number of men who had been with *her.* Which seemed like a funny distinction except, he said, that it meant he couldn’t particularly special. Which I read as saying it’s not that you have to feel *superior,* just not run of the mill. So I’m going to be a little more sympathetic to your position than… I might.
So here’s another way to look at it though: when guys feel insecure they automatically assume anyone else their partner’s been had to have been better than them… that they’re not just a second, or third, or tenth partner but second, or third, or tenth *choice.* When chances are she’s actually, like flick said, *more* sure you’re special, not less.
You don’t *have* to think about it that way. For instance you could keep thinking the way you do. But… you won’t just keep getting teased like you’ve been in comments here, and you won’t just be unfair to more experienced partners, you’ll be unfair to *yourself.*
figleaf
p.s. of course as Johnny points out the question is hypothetical for polite people.
I don’t think “how many”, is something that should be asked or discussed. Heath yes, numbers no.
Personally I think it’s gauche to discuss number of partners.
There’s a simple solution for men like Chris. don’t up your number with them. end of story.
Either Chris could use a good pegging, or he already likes it and is just having us on!
And what flick said–to me #s matter less than sexual health, what you like, what I can learn from you, and what you can do that will make me squeal.
more on what dannie said. It’s about being partners, you shouldn’t have to be better than her. Your strengths should balance out her weaknesses and vice versa.
I don’t really tell my boyfriend how many people i’ve slept with. When he asked something similar i told him the truth, that i went through a “slutty phase” but because of that slutty phase, i know what i want, i know what i like, and i know how to do it. And he likes that enough to look beyond how many guys i may or may not have slept with.
That, is what is important
Dear L.A. Chris: I just wanted to point out that you are labeled as “straight, -single- guy.” Hm. Wonder why? Women want to feel strong, smart, and free just as much as any man, so my recommendation for men who have inferiority complexes is this: Get over it. Women aren’t the 13-year-old boys that used to steal your lunch money and make fun of your willie. We’re just trying to do the best we can and be happy, and we want to be with men who want us to be happy, too. Just as, I’m sure, straight men want to be with women who want their guys to be happy. Just because a woman is better at some things than her man, or has had more sex partners, he is not made a ‘subordinate’ of her. That’s why we call each other ‘partners.’ It’s a team, and every strength and weakness contributed to that team should be accepted and appreciated.