Wise Guys: Does Sex Get Better As a Relationship Progresses?

photo by David_and_Katarina

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Many women say that sex gets better as a relationship progresses, as they get to know their partner more and get more comfortable. Is this true for guys too?”

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben): My wife and I started off super hot out of the gate. Then we slowed down, then got hot again, then crazy, then mellowed out. We’ve come to view our sexualities as very fluid things that have ebbed, flowed, come together and moved apart over the course of our ten-year relationship. Sometimes we’re wild and sometimes we’re tame. Sometimes kinky, sometimes vanilla. Sometimes in sync and sometimes not. Over the course of any longterm relationship the sex is going to change a lot – sometimes better, sometimes worse – and the key for us has been to acknowledge that and work on it together, rather than simply close our eyes and hope for the best.

Gay Single Guy (Jonathan Balthaser): I would love to meet the women that say this, because I think it’s pretty much b.s. While I think it’s true that sex gets better within a one-to-two year period after the start of a relationship, there is a precipitous decline in the hotness and quality of sex after that. It’s no one’s fault. Like Madonna said, it’s human nature. We get used to each other, and a little bored. That’s not to say that there can’t be periods of super hot sex as a relationship matures, but in general, the quality of sex declines and then plateaus. Passion dies. Find someone funny. That’s my advice.

Straight Single Guy (Max): The best sex I’ve ever had was a one night stand. It was one of my old friend’s exes and, apparently, we both had been waiting for the right moment. We stayed up all night ravaging each other, orgasms galore, high-fived at dawn and went our separate ways. It was awesome. A year later, we hooked up again and whatever chemistry we had was gone. Sex went from wow to blah, fast. On the other hand, the best partner I ever had was a huge advocate of sex for love only, and I came to see her point. (Pun intended, thank you). While guys can orgasm from just about anything, the best sex really is when the girl is completely comfortable and loving it. Nothing is sexier than a woman having an orgasm with you, and this is much more likely to happen when you know and care for each other deeply. Still, I’d like to emphasize that in my mind, great sex is mostly dependent on the lady. Barring the obvious shortcomings of some men (again, thank you) I think that a woman’s mental state and familiarity with her partner are the only things that can take sex to the next level. I wonder if this statement will get me letters from all those fantastic different men’s pill manufacturers attempting to prove me wrong…

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is blogger Jonathan Balthaser, of Boerum Hill Blog; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


  1. Sex just keeps getting betteready! I really like it. I’ve been having sex with a guy I see as being my beat guy friend. There’s always been a connection between us. We’ve known each other for 20 years. We’re now 30. We’ve both been hurt in the past to the point neither of us want to hear then 3 awful words.(I love you) But it’s so much more then just sex. He does everything I’ve never had. We play fight and stuff. We have deep conversation, we go 50.50 when it comes to things. Like I’ll buy the food he will cook it and vice versa. I wish I would have never let him go. 20 years ago. But we was to young. Does it mean he’s falling for me? He tries to make sure I have everything I need. I’ve always loved him and I always will. He means so much more to me then just sex. I could actually see me with him and I can’t see me with anyone. I hate men. After everything men have done to me. But I don’t hate him. He’s never done me wrong. Ever. Is his drive to make me happy driven on love….?

  2. I think it does get better with time, not that it was awful to begin with. I think its because we know what the other wants now and we’re both willing to go without orgasms for the other when needed. We don’t have sex to come, but to make each other feel good which to me is why its getting better. Plus the multiple orgasms doesn’t hurt either.

  3. It depends entirely on the two people. It’s not the same with everyone or even every relationship. There is no rule.

    You can have one relationship that starts hot and active and then runs cold and boring. Then another where it gets better with time. Then another where only the first time was good and every time after that was dead.

    Depends on you + other person.

  4. I feel that being in a committed relationship always helps. However, as human beings, we get complacent, and hypnotized to be that way.

    We forget that we allow these day to day issues creep into our lives and makes us become indifferent as was suggested by someone earlier. Working hard to recognize that we get this way, and understand that we have a sanctuary with the other person in this relationship goes a long way in seeing that we take care of each other and ourselves along the way.

    Personally, I prefer the familiarity, and knowing what one gets in that relationship.

    Does it get better? I prefer to think of it as knowing that it’s not all about mechanics… it has a deeper meaning, and that one feels a sense of belonging.

  5. Inferno, for many people your post couldn’t be more wrong. My Man and I have been together more than 25 years, been through an open relationship, then monogamy, marriage, child bearing, a house full of small children, getting a little older and now our sex life is better than ever!

    I never “cooled down” (except when we had small babies, who needed me all the time) and he never lost interest in me. I take time every day to look my best and he also takes care of himself. We both investigate interesting ways to keep our sex life fresh. We are still in love after decades together. The sex is fantastic. It was fantastic 25 years ago, and it’s fantastic and even better now!

    A long term couple has to work on their sex life like their life depends on it. Just sitting back and “getting comfortable” implies taking the other person for granted. Working hard to stay connected, try new things, have sex often (daily, if possible) and keep oneself looking good for one’s partner and keeping oneself healthy is essential to a good relationship. This goes for men as well as women. It takes a LOT OF WORK to keep a good relationship going, and sex is a good bunch of that work.

    But, it is worth every minute. 🙂

    In relationships where the participants don’t take each other for granted, and sex is just as important as love, the physical is just as important as the emotional, and both try hard to keep things going, and work to learn new things and try new things, the sex doesn’t get boring and many find themselves enjoying sex as much, if not more than they did when they did before.

  6. seriously @peg bundy? no way, honey! of course it helps if the guy is trying harder and bringing his “A” game, but it’s up to me whether or not i have an orgasm. not telling a guy what you need or want is no one’s fault but your own! your climax destiny is in your own hands. if i left it up to him, i’d still be waiting!

  7. PS to Gay Single Guy : You obviously don’t understand women-I know you’re just expressing your opinion but even Straight Single Guy got it”While guys can orgasm from just about anything, the best sex really is when the girl is completely comfortable and loving it. Nothing is sexier than a woman having an orgasm with you”. Most women cannot orgasm from just about anything AND if the guy doesn’t REALLY care about the girl he usually will be a selfish lover and not be on his A game to make sure she comes.But when he puts in the time and the work-it’s amazing!

  8. totally agree with Johnny ! me and my husband started off so hot for each other-only problem was he didn’t know what I needed to get off! We worked at it-alot 🙂 by a year into our relationship I was coming each and everytime-guaranteed! but now I think he’s lazy! He does pretty much the same thing everytime to get me off (cuz it works and he knows it) but it’s like he just banks on the same old stuff to get me off quickly so he can come and be done with it. I want to do it more but with a little variety and he just want it maybe once a week if i’m lucky. Maybe he’s bored? But damn get creative! I’m open to other things. I don’t know,maybe it sounds weird cuz I always come first but I think he’s selfish! He goes down on me so he can get away with two pumps and go to sleep.

  9. ^Don’t pin that rap all on women. Men do that too – I call it Al Bundy syndrome. Happens WAY more often than you’d think.

  10. As a guy – for a while I think it gets better as a relationship grows.
    At least for me it has been that way.
    We get comfy and share ourselves better.
    As time goes on though… the new goes away.
    Women seem to become less lustful.
    They go from wanting sex more than we can give as males to way less than we want.
    Men talk about it all the time.
    Eventually bitterness and sometimes big issues develope from the situation.
    Then the women get even less enthused and the sex becomes less in quality.
    It takes a lot of work to “get it back” when it gets to that point.

  11. My quick rule is that the 10th time is usually better than the 1st, and the 100th is usually better than the 10th. The 1,000th or 10,000th? That’s going to depend on a lot on the same sort of good will and generosity that gets most of us through the 1st.

    While some of the most memorable events (pleasantly memorable, not disaster memorable) have been first-time or one-time or early-on ones, all the best ones (the most erotic, most corporeally pleasurable, most “wow, let’s do that again” ones) have been deeper in the relationships.

    And I think that’s because of a modified version of Max’s theory: it’s not just the woman who benefit from trust, familiarity, and just plain practice with what works for each other, men can really benefit from that too. And riffing off of Mom2three, yeah, it’s amazing how sweet but clumsily tentative and impetuous we can be while we’re getting to know each other compared to how much… call it art or music or dance you can create with each other.

    If you start doing it by rote it’s going to lose its savor, but the same could be said about anything else you let become routine in your life.


  12. Respectfully (and quite happily) disagree. Met my man in college. Neither of us had a clue sexually (or in any other way actually…anyway) fast forward 27 years. The sex is AMAZING. Seriously. Global warming: starts right here baby.

  13. Wow, Max. That’s really putting a lot of pressure on us gals. Not that I think you’re completely wrong. I just think some of that mental/emotional responsibility is the man’s, also; I know I, for one, would have trouble taking sex to the “next level” if my guy stayed in the same mental state of awareness and connection while I strove to better connect and deepen our sexual and emotional interactions. Guys have brains and hearts as well as genitalia, just like women have genitalia in addition to brains and hearts.

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