Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
And let’s not forget that going home with a virtual stranger can get you beaten/raped/and or killed. Some folks are truly clueless.
I totally agree with John
I believe that waiting and really taking the time to get to know someone before you get involved with them is always the best way to go.
Sleeping with someone on the first date or the same day you met them is a definite deal breaker. I say this because my ex even though we are not together always calls me for advice or to vent (he’s 51) and he just yesterday told me that he met a chick on new years eve at a party, she slept with her at the party, he’s still now two weeks later is hooking up with her but referred to her as a simple “booty call” and he has also been pursuing her friends who were also at the party.
This is a pattern he has gotten into, not the first time he has done something like this and in all cases he refers to them as hos, sluts, booty calls and he hooks up with the homegirls. And this new years chick doesnt have a clue and really thinks he likes her, she’s already brought him to her place and he’s comfortable but talks dirt about her.
Just be careful girls who you invite in your life, get to try to really get to know someone, it is really true what others have said if a guy is just as willing to sleep with you on the first night that is a red flag. My ex says he knows he’s putting his life and the people he sleeps with at risk but thats a risk he’s willing to take. Don’t trust that the person you sleep with cares about you. I was lucky to have spotted the red flags with him but because i took my time to get to know him and avoid the things he does to these other women. Just be careful
I believe if a girl has sex on the first date then she doesn’t care about herself or the one she’s with. And a guy has to ask himself, does she do this often with strange men? She really doesn’t know what she is in for, especially in today’s world. liars ,jerks S.t.d’s Think about what your all saying , this is like playing Russian roulette with your penis. I’m old fashioned and don’t want a girl that has had sex with a lot of men. To me sex on the first date is a deal breaker for sure .
Katvm love your response . Just seems like many women r still stuck up on really old beliefs!!
Most guys that have tried to woe me haven’t even tried the first night even if I was flirting constantly… it’s a sign of respect that they want more then sex. However a few months ago I was at work and a guy walked in I wanted to jump right then and there. Well he gave me his number and one thing led to another and I was meeting him in a public restroom. Well 4 months later we still talk with no sex but he did just inform me that he liked me and wished the way we met hadn’t be so messed up and that he could start over. So sex on first dates… not always bad it’s turning out great for me… however I truly believe if a guy respects you he will give it time.
I had 1st night sex and it ended up in a LTR for 6 years. I recently went on another date, had sex w/ him and we are going on our second date tomorrow. Go with the flow, life is too short for games, if you feel a connection and you are both adults then do what feels right. No Regrets.
I don’t wish to be rude KatvM but what you are describing was not a ‘first date’ it was a ‘one night stand’ a ‘sexual encounter’ or whatever you may wish to call it (I am not judging you just stating the facts). Did you read the question this entire article and the comments which followed were based on: ‘Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him?’ I am European and I know you Americans do ‘dating’ a lot differently to us so perhaps we are more traditional. However, as I understand it, dates are an opportunity for two people to determine whether they would be suited to a relationship together, thus, a first date would be a potential precursor to further dates. Those women, like yourself, who are free spirits and so happy to engage in casual sex are perfectly free to do so but please don’t fool others, particularly other women, looking for a LTR into thinking having sex on a first date won’t hinder their chances for a future relationship. Take it from someone who has a lot of experience dating and is now in a LTR, for the most part it will.
Well, I don’t think it matters either way… sorry for the length if this post but I suppose you do need to read it all.
If you ‘own’ your sexuality and know yourself – sex on a first date should not be a deal breaker. Some relationships grow from casual sexual relationships, some from friendships and other you just hit it off straight away. If you know what you want and are clear about it then fine. have sex if you so wish….and I mean this for WOMEN as I get the feeling that we are the ones that ’emotionally attach’ whereas the man can walk away fairly unfazed.
I recently had an amazing sexual experience… No, intercourse was NOT involved – he decided to come home with me; waited on ME and after all that accepted that I did not want to have sexual intercourse with him anyway. Following an hour talking, he was more than willing to help me get off…and I did. I asked if he wanted me to ‘return the favor’ and he said no. We cuddled all night etc and that was that.
This experience taught me two things: when you mean to say no, leave it a that. It would have been cruel for me to kick him out so I left the ball in his court… He could have left if he wanted to but he didn’t. I know him through a mutual friend and with everything I have heard about him, he is (and really is so…)the classic ‘nice guy’. He naturally loves sex but he is also so unsure of what he wants. I knew this and so if he offered to come home with me and then stay with me although I said I would not have sex with him, well then that was TOTALLY HIS choice. We mutually acknowledged we were attracted to eachother and we wanted to spend time with eachother – nothing wrong with this.
I feel completely happy with my position here. I have not heard directly from him since our tryst but I am glad he is taking the time to think about it. I am clear and very adamant that I DO NOT need or want any kind of drama in my life and not hearing from him is just fine for me as my life remains completely uncomplicated. Sure, maybe when/if I see him again we’ll just be friends but at the end of the day, I am grateful that I had an enjoyable experience with someone completely unselfish and rather quite kind. I do not need anything more from him UNLESS HE decides he wants more with me but on a more serious one-to-one note.
Ladies/Men – 1st date sex doesn’t need to be a power struggle or complicated. Be clear in your own head and heart about what you want and can handle emotionally, then communicate this with him/her. That is all.
I completely agree with William. I am ashamed to admit that I have had sex on the first date with three men. One I never heard from again, one text me a few months later looking for NSA sex and the third one got in touch with me on facebook a year later to ‘apologise’ and see if I was still interested. Despite my actions, I have always believed that a man will never resepect you if you sleep with him on the first date, and my experience has now further confirmed this belief. Most people do not connect with someone so strongly on a first date but if you are lucky enough to you would be very foolish to have sex before getting to know this person. 99% of men who want/expect sex on a first date are using you. Don’t make the same mistakes as me you will likely come to regret it.
Heck if you are having sex on a first date you don’t even know if they respect you enough to know if they are going to call you when they say they will call you… it’s a bad idea if you are looking for a LTR.
Why would you want to have sex on the first date if you are looking for a LTR? If you want sex; own up to it and don’t say you are looking for a LTR. The message it sends is totally wrong for a LTR. Would you not wonder if the other party is having sex on other first dates that they go on? There is no way to know how much you are really going to like a person until you have had a chance to spend some time with them and learn about them. I personally think for a relationship to work you need to find out if they share your core values. Ultimately do they want to get married? Do they like kids and want kids? If you are going to be a couple, will they give up their personal privacy if that is what you want? New acquaintances can seem very intriguing but that feeling can also fade very quickly once you start learning more about a person. If you are TRUELY looking for LTR … don’t rush to have sex … as the feelings sex will generate will most likely convolute how you truly like the person … and you will be left feeling hurt when ultimately the relationship does not work out.
i had sex on a first date about 4 days ago, we both got a bit tipsy and just went at it, know that this was my first time having sex. The next day he wanted to hang out again, so we hung out, and i practiclly raped him lol but that night we fell asleep in eachothers arms, woke up together, and took a shower together. Tomorrow is our second date, hes taking me out all day and to the movies, this is one example of sex on a first date actually working 🙂
My name is blessing, i am 23, i ve had sex on my first date which was yerterday d xmas day and now am scared because i don’t kw if he would call back. Some advice will be appreciated
im 22 had sex on a first date with an old family friend ov 29 d next day,i waz so sorry n ashamed of myself i cried my heart out got a call 4rm him later in d day was so happy 2hear 4rm him bh since then,he stoped calling n refused picking my callz im now so ashamed of myself and confused some1 plz help me on what 2 do