Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Ok, I cant comment on my personal experiences because that’s what I came here to solve..BUT..I did notice nearly every example against it, followed with: “although we are no longer together.” That cant be good. lol.
Just sayin..
YES IT’S ALL ABOUT THE SEX!!!NEXT!
On sunday night I was out drinking with my buddies, at this club the was this guy who used to visit a friend of mine…& he was buys telling me ”you are so beautiful & I like your style” then we got so drunk n we had sex @ his car, & he called me tonight asking ” hey gal when are we going to have sex again?” I was so confused, was it all about sex? Please help
I went on a date 5 days ago with a guy I met last week. We talked a lot (practically all day long, the same day we went out) and really kind of clicked. We have a lot in common and felt very comfy with each other.
At some point he started hugging me etc. and I let him know i don’t think this is a good idea, and that I don’t get in bed on first dates. Generally I’m a free spirit and i go with the flow, but I really like this guy a lot. He says he likes me too,and that it doesn’t diminish his respect for me, or anything of the sort. In the end the amazing attraction won, and we ended up having sex. He drove me home (BIG red flag) and i was sure i’m never gonna hear from him again. Next day he texted me and ever since we’ve been talking a lot,just like before the date. He mentioned going on the next one and asked what i wanna do, but i’ve been sick ever since, and he didn’t really ask me out,or set a date.
I don’t know if he’s just waiting for me to get better, or maybe it’s done .. ? For the last day or so I haven’t heard from him.. he poked me on facebook
I too have been in LTR and I can proudly say going with your guts is better than playing a game of hide and seek. If a guy decides to never call again, then he ain’t worth it. Sex is supposed to get you closer, no the opposite!
Chris, may I respectfully give you a little advice?
“I’m a little worried” – it no doubt shows. DON’T let on that you’re worried. In fact, don’t worry. Things went well. If anything that should be reassuring. Insecurity and fear turn women off. You had a great time. If you wound up having sex, she probably did too. Take CONFIDENCE from that, not anxiety. Anxiety is poison.
“I feel like I should probably talk to her and tell her what I’m feeling” – please tell me you haven’t already caved to that impulse. DO. NOT. DO. THAT.
“I think I’ve made it clear that I like her…” – ok, you’ve made it clear. Now stop. Women are emotionally intuitive. She doesn’t need it spelled out for her. Overbearing, early eagerness will make a woman run screaming.
“She doesn’t seem as eager to talk to me” – ok, there’s a few ways this could be going. I’ll start with the “bad” news. Believe it or not, women like casual sex too. Maybe that’s all she wanted. In which case, you got played, brotha. It happens. Oh well. At least you got a fun date and a lay out of it. Now for the bad news. Maybe the sex didn’t do it for her. I don’t know. I wasn’t there and can’t conclusively say that. But it’s always a possibility. Now for the likeliest scenario: she likes you too, but she can tell that you’re already WAY more invested than she is, and she’s afraid she’s got a clinger on her hands. She likes you, but she doesn’t want you up her butt yet. She’s being careful and is making up her mind about you. Now’s the time to play it conservatively.
“How many other guys has she done that with?” Irrelevant. Doesn’t matter. This is an inexperienced man’s fear. And inexperience is another thing that turns women off. Don’t advertise it.
The best thing you can do for yourself here is the following: pick a date in the near future when you believe she’s unlikely to be busy. Ask her out for something fun and light. Nothing heavy and romantic. Do not allude to your feelings for her. Do not allude to the sex you had. A proper invitation will convey exactly what you want it to – respectful interest in her personality and, yes, her sexuality.
Good luck, my friend.
I wasn’t looking for a LTR when I had sex on the first date with him. We’re still dating for over 2 years now.. Go on, if both of you wanna do, do it! Just don’t take it personal if he doesn’t call the next day cos that means he was just into sex, not you..
I’m a guy who recently had sex on a first date. Believe it or not, I really am genuinely interested in this girl. I have never met someone quite like her or had as much fun with someone before. She totally blew me away. The night just seemed to lead there.
After the fact, I have to admit I’m a little worried. I don’t want her to think that I’m just in this for sex. I think I’ve made it clear that I really do like her without going as far as flat-out telling her. I feel like I should probably talk to her and just tell her what I’m thinking. At the same time, she doesn’t seem as eager to talk to me so I worry that maybe it was just a fling for her or something. I know she’s busy, though. She has a lot more going on in her life than I do right now, and I don’t expect to be the center of attention.
It’s also occurred to me that if she had sex with me on the first date, how many other people has she done that with? But at the same time, maybe she’s asking herself the same question. That was first time I’ve ever done that. Maybe she was just feeling the same way I was feeling.
So much uncertainty…it probably would have been best to wait. But maybe things will work out. I sure hope so!
Men and women are different biologically. This extends to our brain structure and hence some of our emotions, etc. Anyone that implies otherwise in order to be PC is lying to you. Men, biologically, must be more sensitive to being cheated on. Why? Men can raise another man’s child unknowingly. Women cannot do this (she actually carries the baby). Expending resources on another man’s child unknowingly is genetic suicide from a darwinian perspective. This is why men have often tried to repress and control women’s sexuality. If a woman sleeps with a man on the first date, then she has proven herself an easily acquired lay. He will be less likely to be able to fully trust her in the future to be faithful, which as I’ve pointed out is more important to men usually. This is the way it is. Wait until at least the third date to go all the way. In the long run, you will have better odds of having the relationship you would like.
I met a guy at a party; we got on really well and went on a date a few days later. We had an amazing first date and ended up having (protected) sex. We are just about to celebrate our 1 year anniversary and are so in love.
If a guy doesn’t call then he was just looking for sex and is probably a bit of a jerk if he won’t even speak to you and be honest and say he isn’t looking for anything serious. Do you really want to be in a long term relationship with someone like that anyway?!
If it feels right just go for it, as long as you’re safe. If someone just wants sex they probably won’t call you whether you wait a night or a month. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to love, just do what feels right.
Ok so im getting very different answers here. I feel the main issue is people/media make it seem like if u dont wait a year to have sex with whoever your dating your a whore/it wont last. But who can really decide when is right without knowing the relationship or the people in it? Ive been dating someone for over 4 weeks and we had sex after me being abstinent for sometime. It just felt right. It doesnt mean we’ll last eternity but it also doesnt mean its doomed for failure. NOW for the 1st date thing: i dont think one should, more for health risks than a relationship. But unless u know the person prior to the date, i doubt it would go anywhr besides maybe another 1 night stand
There is nothing wrong with sex on the first date. You can have fun and get off and it can even lead to a LTR. I’ll never forget when I dated this one guy for 2 months before we had sex and it was the worst I’ve ever had. Turned out he had a premature ejaculation problem and that’s not something that came up in conversation. We tried having sex on several occasions but we just weren’t sexually compatible. Sex is important and we broke up. Since then, I’ve had several relationships come out of sex on the first date.
My thoughts exactly Marissa. People lie, especially in the heat of the moment.
Michael-really no offense-but how can you say that you trust this new woman when you BARELY KNOW HER AT ALL!!! It takes at least a year to really get to know someone. I mean come on.
Honesty is the key, however, not everyone is going to be honest about their intentions when you first meet them and some men will just downright lie and tell you what you want to hear. So far, I have only had a small percentage of men be honest in admitting they only want NSA sex, the vast majority of men have lied to me and then to make it even more difficult you have the men who were interested in a LTR but have now deemed you easy and decided you are no longer LTR material.
this is such a silly debate. I’m 33, and I’ve had sex on first dates multiple times. there is some validity to the arguments that a guy can run BS and say he’ll call and he doesn’t, but I also take the line of ‘do I really want to do this’ BEFORE I actually do it. I was with a wonderful woman last night. Our date was at 7, it was romantic, we both looked great, and after another club we went to my house together (2 cars – first time meeting, public place, yada yada.)
it was probably 1 or 2 when it happened. like three times then, and then another couple times early this morning before I walked with her to her car outside. (Men: there IS a ‘walk of shame’ – do it with her!) I only wanted to sleep next to her (actual sleep), but she said something that made me throw all caution to the wind. she told me she’d become more attached if we did it (and we both knew we wanted eachother by then). I can get all the sex I want, but it’s not LTR sex. I know, already, that she is LTR material and I WANTED her to become more attached. we all have our reasons for doing it or not, but really the advice of value that I’ve heard from a few of you commenters is that – ascertain with certainty what direction this man/woman wants things to go afterwards.
my longest relationship was with a woman I married. we had sex, hell, within an hour of meeting eachother. my second longest made me wait for months, and I don’t have good memories from that relationship anymore. my third longest, she slept with me and stayed over, first night. and I can state to everyone, now, that I’ll be talking to my date from last night again after this crazy, wonderful night. I slept with her because I wanted a LTR and she is a woman I’m willing to try it with….but I wouldn’t have done it, if she hadn’t told me that she would become more attached. Truth wins.
Genuine honesty. make sure it’s there, whether through attitude, dates. whatever. but you must trust your date/partner. I trusted her, I believed her, and we ended an amazing evening with amazing sex. we already have made plans to see eachother again, because while we both love sex, we both also want someone to do things with.
I think it works, to everyone out there. but only for certain people… be honest, all of you men AND women. honesty is the key to happiness, and often enough that same key fits your partner’s chastity belt.
Vivian, would love to help you but you should consider typing properly. It’s a bit difficult to understand what you are trying to say.