Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”
Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. You can see so many examples of people just having a lot in common and being horny as hell at sites that have some exciting mature porn videos. These horny gay couples seem to just click after a while. This is why we see so many videos of the same gay couples on those mature porn sites. Their communication is bang on. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them. You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,'” even when you’d rather not wait? Men get that too. Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway. Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway? Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.
Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in! So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.
Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
Def. @ “Zara’s” comment never chase a guy they always want something they can’t have so let them do the running around….
I’ve been with my bf for 4yrs then he broke up with me for five months…the first day we met after the 5months we had sex(the fours yrs we were sexually active) & it was a little off,I think cuz no true love was in it…what is the hope for us being together?!
Ok guys, been interesting reading everyones thoughts in this ! To the person above who slated everyones grammar etc shame on you, you are obv on here for a reason also so why don’t you just come away with what your issue is? I’m interested in all comments here as I have recently found myself in a similar situation with a guy too. Having been in a relationship for 5 years and just newly single I hooked up with a guy from school that I have not seen in years and we slept together ad the attraction and chemistry was immense! My issue is now that we are texting constantly but over the past day he hasn’t text first,it’s been me doing the groundwork . Very keen on this guy but picking up different vibes all the time from him. My question is this. Do guys like to be chased so much that they lose interest on what the connection was in the first place? I’ve decided that’s it for me , I’m not making any more effort to text or call /email as at the end of the day girls if a guy wants to see you in a different light other than a shag, he will make the effort, if not then you have been used! Fact!
i chatted to a guy on dating site, and promised myself that when we met would not sleep on the first date. we had been talking for a month and had lots in common and a great rapour, in fact i was so excited about meeting i just crossed my fingers his picture was not old or not like him. however he met me after work one day for first date and we spent the whole afternoon, lunch evening champagne together, next morning too.the chemistry was electrifying between us and i simply could not resist neither could he…. i went to work on cloud nine and only heard brief pleasant message day after…. somehow i feel heartbroken as i have never fell in love so quickly with the whole package surely i did not get this so wrong but have been on meltdown ever since and albeit two days later my gut feeling is that he should be saying cant wait to see you again but he has not. guys out there does this mean i got this so wrong is he playing it cool or just got everything in 24 hours…. heartbroken as women of 45 never felt like this so quickley
I have to say it’s a laugh and a half to read these comments. Most of you can’t even spell or use proper grammar and you don’t seem like you are even emotionally mature enough to date in the first place, not to mention having no boundaries. Too funny!
So I think that the dating thing boils down to we..both men and woman have gone so long between intercourse that when we meet someone we are attracted to we give up all reasonable thought. I, at this point, after having had a few go wrong, would like a friend with benefits so that I could date and still have sex regularly with someone I trust. Who knows but the crappy insecure feeling that comes from giving it up with the wrong guy sucks. I have been single 6 years and have had sex maybe 6 times…Woman have needs that toys don’t fulfill.
It would be nice to find happily ever after but, there is something to be send for the carnal need.
I met this girl at a mall. She recognized me and said I have seen you a lot at college. I remembered to have seen her a couple of times too. She was about to take a bus back home. I told her I am going to drive you home. We went to her apartment and she took me right away to her bedroom. I began to wonder: It is just the first time we met what do I do? Do I kiss her or what? I did nothing and said god bye after about an hour. When I called her the next day she told me that I disappeared like that. I invited her to my house. We talked and after 15 min she said she want to go home. I said let’s chat and talk. She said I want to go home right now and I am serious. I drove her home and the next calls we did she was always criticizing me and calling names. We stopped to talk to each other.
I think she was to fast for me or we are all weirds. It has been six months she is now looking on dating websites and I am still looking too. Whether both of us will get someone better I don’t know.
After reading all these comments I am very relieved because it seems like all of your thoughts prove the evolution of time… That we are no longer bound under those unrealistic morals that waiting makes things last… It didn’t for my best friend who was married twice and also dated forever before finally meeting a great guy with whom she has had relations with from day one (so she told me)… I myself have met someone (online nonetheless) and we had sex on Sunday which was our 2nd date… since before then and since then nothing has been bad… he seems like he is really interested and is coming over tonight for our 3rd date and we BOTH love sex amongst other things!!! So even if this does not last… I did NOT make a mistake because I wanted it… boy did I want it!!! LOL
i met this guy in a social networking
sight(yesterday)
we chated…i gave my no. n he called me
we talked n he started talking bout sex..
we planned to meet up today but both of us had some important work..he called me again tonight..we did phone sex..n now..tomorrow, its gonna be our first date..m not sure of wheather to have sex with him or not…
Help..
Iv been speaking to a guy i used to really like in school, I never had the guts to ask him out. A few weeks ago he added me on facebook and wev talked everyday, he wants me to come to his for a movie night and stay the night as its half an hour out of town. There is such a strong attraction between us i feel we will end up having sex, but iv told him and he says he wouldnt think anything different of me? I really dont know what to do..
do not go to someone’s house alone unless you know them really well.If not ask if you can bring a friend.Be Brief: agree to stay a fixed time and then leave.do not spend a long time alone in a private place with someone you do not know well.It is boring and you end up having sex as there is nothing else to do.If a person is nice they will respect your wishes look for good manners and behaviour.The better someone treats you the better everything including sex will be.
People are just lazy these days;of coursethey will try sex as early as pos sible if they think you are easy and available.Early sex is about seeing the person as an object/their physical characteristics only.it is pretty insulting if you think about it.Getting to know someone;what they are really like etc takes time and effort and is hard work
I had sex (if you can call it that) with one guy on the first date and another on the second date:it was the worst sex I have ever had in my life .Guys cannot perform well when they do not know a woman and so it not a good idea.I just could not get away fast enough:I did not want to see these guys again although they wanted to date me.They both knew I did not want sex with as I told them I did not want it:it did not suit me.They both tricked me into it.One insisted on me coming to his flat when I just wanted a coffee.It was a disaster: I just thought how can I get away? Anyway I don’t think he made it as I cannot remember much It ws revolting.The second guy kept coming round my house and would not leave : I ended up calling the Police. I was so angry I never went near another man for about 2 years
I’ve been into a guy for a while now who I work with on and off. We had been flirting for quite some time and finally went out on a date. Things went well, but we didn’t even kiss. We both then got really busy and weren’t able to see each other for about a month. We finally had a second date and ended up fooling around at my house. We did not have intercourse, but played around a lot and had oral sex. We’ve texted since, but things just don’t seem the same. He mentioned getting together again soon but said he’d “let me know” when he is free…I really want to see him face to face to talk about what we did, etc, but I don’t want to come across as needy and mention it when the ball is sort of in his court. What do you think I should do?
I met a guy from a website. We have been talking a lot by emails and text. We have a lot of in common. Last night he asked me to come over his house, I didn’t. I told him that I worry that I would lost him if I would have sex with him so easy, He said that he just like to sleep next to a woman, we don’t have to have sex he said. I said that we can’t control if we sleep next to each other…But I promised him that I will come his house tonight. Cause we had a plan for first date tonight. Tonight we will have first date at restaurant. But I don’t know shall I suppose to come his house tonight?