Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “How do most guys feel when a woman brings her favorite sex toy into the bedroom? Threatened? Excited?
Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos): Unless it’s the Jackhammer Jesus, or obscenely elephantine, I think it’s generally safe — educationally thrilling even — to introduce your vibrator into the bedroom. By appealing to his sense of ingenuity and boyhood exploratory spirit, any guy would be flushed with excitement by the opportunity to tinker with an entirely foreign, exotic gadget. Whether it’s fiddling with your Tivo or installing computer software updates, technology seems to bring the best out in men; they like to get things right. With the proper coaxing (Gee, I just can’t figure this thing out!), tinkering with your Rabbit Habit’s best configurations just might be the kind of dilemma you’d want your guy troubleshooting through an entire Saturday afternoon.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t know how most guys feel, but whether it’s with toys, fingers, or ideas, I’ve felt very happy when a partner takes me into her confidence and shares what she likes in the bedroom. I like it when she “lends a hand” when we’re in a position where it’s hard for me to reach her. And when she enjoys the exhibitionism/voyeurism of getting off with me. Or when she just wants to add to what we’re doing. It’s nice even when she’s just never going to get off — or off often enough — from my efforts alone. I guess some of those reasons, especially the last, could be seen as threatening. A lot of the other reasons are just straight-up exciting. But they all mean she’s comfortable enough with me, and confident enough about her self, to show me what she likes. And that’s always going to make me happier than if she was too nervous or uncomfortable about it. If she’s comfortable enough to share her favorite toy? So much the better!
You know something I’ve always been too shy to try, though? Being the one to bring a new toy or vibrator into bed with a partner, even one I think she’d enjoy. If it’s okay for a Wise Guy to ask questions of his own, do you think it would be okay to do that instead? [Em & Lo: Ladies, respond in the comments section below, please!]
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys feel somewhere between threatened and excited. It’s adventurous, but also a little denigrating. It’s probably similar to how most girls would feel if a guy brought his favorite pornography to share in the bedroom: unwelcome competition, and too much information. (Imagine how you’d feel if a guy showed you a well-worn picture of a swimsuit model, and then with a conspiratorial smile taped it to the wall above the pillows before getting down to business?) A definite no-no for most couples in the first few months of dating. But for long-term and married couples, introducing your little best friend can help revive or spice things up, and even be a welcome relief for guys who aim to please their woman.
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You know whats funny reading all these responses is that no one mentions whether she uses the toys on him or if he enjoys the toys as well.
I wonder if men would feel insecure about there woman suggesting it, or she in him for the same.
I will say that I found it to be very stimulating. Yet I have no desires to have man because of it.
But I think you really need to be comfortable and sexually secure with each other.
I agree with most here as well its has been a great finisher or starter or combo for that matter.
Its true men if your not attentive you might be replaced.
She’s mixed on the vibration. Sometimes a lot and sometimes not so much.
The realistic’s are the best gifts to me.but yeah possibly not the first one.
The only time this ever became a real-life topic for me was with my first girlfriend some years ago. She purchased a toy and introduced it with a flourish. Being a nitwit, I was somewhat reticent and didn’t really embrace the concept. Not because I was especially threatened, but for other, weirder, reasons and because I didn’t fully appreciate the possibilities. Needless to say, I would play that hand somewhat differently were it dealt today.
I try to approach sex in the spirit of cooperative fun, so anything she wants to add in furtherance of that pursuit is A-OK by me. As long as it doesn’t draw more than 15 amps (I hate resetting circuit breakers), bring it on.
I make sure to introduce toys early on into a relationship. Basically, if a potential partner isn’t okay with toys then I’m not going to be okay with him. I don’t need toys to have an orgasm, but they can be awfully nice to have around. The orgasms are more intense, the process is more efficient, and when my boyfriend is all tapped out, he can still get me off.
Figleaf – I think the trick to buying your partner a sex toy is making a true present out of it. Definitely go for something in classy packaging – many toy companies now package their toys almost like jewelry. If she already has a couple of toys, get her something nicer than she would buy for herself, like something from JimmyJane or Lelo. If she’s new to sex toys, try one of the quirky vibes from Fun Factory (they really put the “toy” in “sex toy”). Until you know her tastes and preferences, it would be wise to steer clear of realistic – I think many of the beautifully designed non-realistic toys are less intimidating.
Tbanks, Fig! 🙂
For Figleaf, who’s asking on behalf of all wondering guys out there: Like a Hallmark card, bringing a toy to bed shows that you care!
SS: My question was based on reminiscence but I was also pretty sure I’m not the only man who’s wondered about being the one to bring a toy into bedroom.
SS, Madamoiselle, and MMM, those are great answers by the way. Thanks!
figleaf
Blair, I would have found that a little bizarre, too. Maybe he just wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. There’s simply no good protocol on just HOW to introduce sex toys into a relationship.
My Man, whom I was with for many years at the time, placed a previously unwanted vibe in my hand, without asking me, and I freaked out. And, that was in a long term then monogamous relationship. Only later, when we had a chance to talk about it, did I realize that there is really NO protocol for this kind of thing and he was only doing the best he could to bring some change to our bedroom routine. He was right, and it changed things to the “even better.”
I’m glad it worked out with your and your guy, though. 🙂
MMM is right, too. Don’t whip out the “Great American Challenge” dildo
on your first sex date. LOL! (NO, I don’t own this one. Someone sent me a link and I found it kind of funny.)
http://www.tabutoys.com/product/The_Great_American_Challenge_Vibrator_15_Inches
I would LOVE it if my guy brought in a toy he thought we could enjoy together. It’s a sign of trust and communication. In fact, maybe I’ll bring this up with him later…
I was seeing this guy, we’d hung out maybe 5 times and never had sex. We were making out one night and all of a sudden he’s using a little vibrator on me. No warning, no asking, it was just there. Lucky for him I was okay with it, but I was still quite shocked! (He has since used it a couple other times but for some reason asks now…you’d think he would have asked the first time)
One caveat about toy/porn use — I’m not talking about women who whip out a king-sized dildo in front of a moderately endowed new boyfriend, or men who verbally drool over big-breasted porn star stars in the presence of a moderately endowed new girlfriend. That’s just rude, and waiting to sexual preferences that could be threatening to someone who doesn’t know you well IS better left until you know each other well enough to feel secure. But just using toys/porn, outside of that context, shouldn’t be seen as a threat — and if someone will disclose that to you early on, it can build trust and attraction and give you a window into how to get them off.
Oh, man, Single Straight Guy — I don’t mean to pile on you here, but a toy is not competition, and it’s not denigrating. Some women really need the extra help of a vibe to get off, so if a woman feels as if her man is threatened by that, she may not be getting the orgasms she deserves — who would want that? Men need to get over feeling as if a toy is competition, just like women need to get over feeling that porn is competition. My guy and I watch porn together all the time, and we’ve used toys since the very beginning (see graf below), and that openness and lack of insecurity about what we like/need sexually has done nothing but good for our sex life together.
To answer figleaf’s question: Very early on (as in a couple of weeks) in my relationship with my boyfriend, I mentioned jokingly that I had an “industrial strength” vibrator at home that got me off like nobody’s business. Next time I saw him, he told me to close my eyes and put an Hitachi Magic Wand in my hands. Boy, I loved him for that. It showed me that he was sexually secure and cared very much about pleasing me in bed.
As long as they’re not too big, I’m cool with toys.
Oh, wait… you mean to use on HER?
Oops, I meant “I would think his main goal would be getting HER off, by any means necessary.” Sorry for leaving out an important word.
Figleaf, My Man bought me my first toy, but he didn’t go about it the right way. Asked me if I wanted one, I said no, skin was just fine for me (I had a few issues, I think) then he just bought one and put in into my hand one night, while I was trying to sleep! NOT the way to do it.
HOWEVER….in a few days, I kinda warmed up the the idea (how could it hurt?) and in the ensuing years, we have both bought toys. He still comes home with a “new surprise” for me every now and then, a toy, or a new video, etc. It always makes me feel loved that he would think of ONE MORE NEW WAY to help us enjoy our time in the bedroom.
That answers Chris’ question. My Man bringing his porn to show me doesn’t bother me at all. It — USED to, (in recent years, My Man and I have decided to get more honest and tolerant with each other and it has given our sex life an incredible BOOST!) and my drive got back where it belonged he finally felt comfortable asking me, “There’s this video I really like watching alone, but I’d like it better if you watched it with me. Would it be OK if I brought it out and we viewed it together?” I said, “Hell Yeah! Go get it!” and now we take turns scouring stores and websites for our favorite Vintage Porn, or even some new stuff, and showing it to each other. And sometimes learning something new to try.
My Man is far from being threatened with our toys (he bought a good half of them himself) and not only is it exciting for both of us to use them, but when I have a hard time with climax (damn perimenopause) I don’t usually end up frustrated, because we can go to a heavier duty toy and get the job done and carry on.
There are some women who have trouble with climax, and if the only way she can orgasm is with the help of a toy, WHY would her man have a problem with that? I would think his main goal would be getting off, by any means necessary. (As most womans goal is getting her man off.) Toys can be used in a loving, sharing atmosphere and it really can enrich your sex and love life. (“Wow, he loves me enough and cares enough to buy me that expensive German vibe!”)
If My Man needed Viagra to get or maintain an erection, I would never deprive him of that, nor feel “jealous” of it. I see sex toys as more of an analogy to that.
I used to be a “skin only” person. I had no idea what I was missing, the sex was great, but sometimes the toys ADD to something which is already great, and sometimes they are actually “Medicinal” as My Man call it.
As always, your mileage may vary.
Figleaf: You describe yourself as “straight married guy,” so does your question refer to you and your wife, or are you reminiscing? Because if you’re talking about your wife, I would think she’d be pretty cool with the idea, especially if you know she has her own toys. I think for some of us, there’s the embarrassment factor, and the fear that we’re somehow offending our partner (Hello, Single Guy Chris!) but for two married people? I would definitely go for it. (Kimberly Ford’s book “Hump” has a whole chapter on it…)