Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “How do most guys feel when a woman brings her favorite sex toy into the bedroom? Threatened? Excited?
Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos): Unless it’s the Jackhammer Jesus, or obscenely elephantine, I think it’s generally safe — educationally thrilling even — to introduce your vibrator into the bedroom. By appealing to his sense of ingenuity and boyhood exploratory spirit, any guy would be flushed with excitement by the opportunity to tinker with an entirely foreign, exotic gadget. Whether it’s fiddling with your Tivo or installing computer software updates, technology seems to bring the best out in men; they like to get things right. With the proper coaxing (Gee, I just can’t figure this thing out!), tinkering with your Rabbit Habit’s best configurations just might be the kind of dilemma you’d want your guy troubleshooting through an entire Saturday afternoon.
Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t know how most guys feel, but whether it’s with toys, fingers, or ideas, I’ve felt very happy when a partner takes me into her confidence and shares what she likes in the bedroom. I like it when she “lends a hand” when we’re in a position where it’s hard for me to reach her. And when she enjoys the exhibitionism/voyeurism of getting off with me. Or when she just wants to add to what we’re doing. It’s nice even when she’s just never going to get off — or off often enough — from my efforts alone. I guess some of those reasons, especially the last, could be seen as threatening. A lot of the other reasons are just straight-up exciting. But they all mean she’s comfortable enough with me, and confident enough about her self, to show me what she likes. And that’s always going to make me happier than if she was too nervous or uncomfortable about it. If she’s comfortable enough to share her favorite toy? So much the better!
You know something I’ve always been too shy to try, though? Being the one to bring a new toy or vibrator into bed with a partner, even one I think she’d enjoy. If it’s okay for a Wise Guy to ask questions of his own, do you think it would be okay to do that instead? [Em & Lo: Ladies, respond in the comments section below, please!]
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys feel somewhere between threatened and excited. It’s adventurous, but also a little denigrating. It’s probably similar to how most girls would feel if a guy brought his favorite pornography to share in the bedroom: unwelcome competition, and too much information. (Imagine how you’d feel if a guy showed you a well-worn picture of a swimsuit model, and then with a conspiratorial smile taped it to the wall above the pillows before getting down to business?) A definite no-no for most couples in the first few months of dating. But for long-term and married couples, introducing your little best friend can help revive or spice things up, and even be a welcome relief for guys who aim to please their woman.
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@ Bill Ward “As a guy, yes, there IS a twinge of denigration and jealousy…we are supposed to be able to get a woman off with our own skills, the male ego demands it.” end quote
Bill, I can understand a man feeling a little less than adequate at times, if toys are used a lot, or if a woman needs them to go over the edge. But, a woman has NO control over her orgasmic threshold. Some women have low orgasmic thresholds, and can have orgasms at the drop of a hat, others need a great deal of stimulation and many as time goes on NEED the help of a motorized toy. As long as the woman lets him know what he DOES DO is great, even if she can’t get all the way there from it, and that he is still the MAN part of the process when the toy is used, it shouldn’t offend his ego.
Ladies, make sure you include your man in any toy play, and things should be OK. If either of you feel some less than positive feelings about it, TALK it out.
It’s always worked for us.
SS, my Man’s family is very conservative, also. He was a hellion as a kid, always rebelling.
His mother was “offended” because not only did we live together before we were married, but I had a bun in the oven by the time the wedding happened. She wanted us to have a “secret” wedding, probably so she could tell every one “the baby was early” or something. Then told us we didn’t “deserve” a nice wedding (which MY parents paid for, and his contributed zilch) because I guess only virgins get a party for their marriage celebration. Still, he has formed a lot of his own opinions about sex, as his parents NEVER discussed the subject and even had separate bedrooms. IMO, if it comes to that, just call it quits.
Nicole, honey, you’ve mentioned his issues with your multi orgasmic ability before. NO man should feel put out by this, nor does it mean you “owe” him anything. Most men would be happy just to see their partner have such a good time in bed.
It’s time he stops trying to black mail you for your orgasms. It’s immature and in the long run, will be poisonous to your relationship. Have you two thought about couple therapy? Because his issue with your ENJOYING sex is not healthy.
I am getting very frustrated my boyfriend of two years wants porn while making love to me and watching it while sex and giving head. I agree to watching it together but I am sick of feeling like crap becauseh e wants it while I am sexual with him. I think its wrong and he wont cum inside me why? He sais it feels funny so he said how about I get 3 cums and he gets 2 porns it seems reasonable but I cannot handle porn while I am doing things to him. He is getting off by staring at naked woman its wrong in my eyes help me I need opinions.
Madamoiselle L, okay, so I’m thinkin’ they’re not brothers after all… 🙁 Mine was raised in a super conservative household where body parts had code names! I think I would pass out (in a good way) if he brought a sex toy home!
SS, my dh is a toy evangalist. When his buddies come to him complaining that they aren’t “Getting enough” the second thing he asks them (after, “You make sure she comes, don’t you?”) Is “Get a sex toy, you’ll both enjoy it.”
Someguy, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We talk about all kinds of things here. 😉
Remember, a dil is often nothing more than a vibe without the power on. Plus, your lady wanted the one with the beads, that isn’t an indictment of you in any way. Next time, buy her one (get her input) and when you are part of the process it helps feel good about it.
And if my husband is any example, men just don’t talk about these things with their friends, so it’s great that sites like this are here! Also, I think sometimes we women don’t realize we are hurting male feelings at times, but imagine our dismay if you were to wish aloud for a GF with a smaller bum…big trouble 🙁
its nice to know people are talking about this, cause for a while it seemed like i couldnt speak to anybody about this without being embarrased
she has never gotten a dildo (but plenty of vibrators; her using those actually turns me on haha) and maybe it just seems bigger like you said. its actually shorter than I am but does seem to be wider especially at the base with those beads…she has yet to use it so we will see, and she did not specifically say she wanted bigger just noted that something wider would be nice. Still hurts though.
someguy, did she say, “I want a dildo that is larger than you are?” Or did she simply choose one which appears bigger or did she say she wanted one wider than her current toy?
There’s a difference. If she outright said, “I want a dil that’s bigger than you, Old Man.” She is being rude and insensitive. If she simply bought one which is or appears larger, I wouldn’t take it personally. A lot of them seem smaller on the net. My dh has remarked that my biggest vibe is “bigger” than he is, (and he’s a rather gifted in the size department) and it ISN’T, he’s just looking at the dil from a different perspective than his own penis. Granted he isn’t upset about it, just made a comment, because I noted “I may need some lube to use that thing.” In cold hard silicone, they often look bigger than real attached flesh.
Again, if she decided she wanted “bigger” and SAID something to you to this effect, it was not kind.
@someguy…yeah, that sounds pretty insensitive to me. I’m sure there are people who would say she “empowering” herself by articulating her needs, but to specifically say she wants something bigger than you, ah, that just strikes me as rude. (A vibrator is different, since most guys don’t have electric fingers.)
My girl wants a rabbit and a dildo larger than me 🙁 I cant help but feel as if i am not good enough for her. She already has a vibrator, and i didnt mind it at all. Im seven inches but she says she wants a wider dildo. I hurts me. I dont know what to do.
I guess I’m lucky in respect of the fact that both my partner and I test and review adult products.
So we frequently share intimate play, him with something like a Fleshlight and me with the latest vibe.
I’m so fortunate after many years of looking to have a partner who shares everything with me and the toys add an element of added excitement.
As a guy, yes, there IS a twinge of denigration and jealousy…we are supposed to be able to get a woman off with our own skills, the male ego demands it. Even knowing many if not most women do not get off vaginally through intercourse doesn’t make the feeling go away, a person feels what they feel rightly or wrongly. So there is a bit of a threat involved. You can’t criticize a man for feeling that maybe there is inadequacy there.
However, a man has to be wise and loving and secure enough to say, ‘sure’…clearly we don’t want to deny her an orgasm and oral sex is nice but so is penetration.
I didn’t mind a few toys for herself initially but the we vibe got her so excited I really felt like geez, tamp it down a bit. There IS a better way to introduce the idea…although she obviously felt secure enough with me to be honest with her feelings so that is good.
All in all the most loving and skilled of men may feel a pang of regret or whatever and it is not unnatural or selfish or anything other than human emotion. So I appreciate Chris’ honest answer, and he said it correctly. It was not a deal breaker but a bit of a shake until he relented and found it worked nicely.
Ladies, you cannot dismiss a man’s insecurities about sex! And we, men, should never dismiss our ladies needs and desires for sexual pleasure!
Amen.
I just purchased a sex kit.I’ m so excited. Buy do folks have any advice?
I’m expecting vibraters, vaginal devices, and anal devices.
Oh one last note for the curious.
A vibrating cock ring has always gotten me the greatest of responses.
As long as it not too much on me. Then it can get a little numb.
Hey I’m still on topic here right?
It is a toy! lol