Your Call: 38 and Want a Baby But He’s Not Ready

infertility_statuephoto by Daquella_manera

Dear Em & Lo,
I’m 38 and have been with my boyfriend a little over two years. He recently told me he is not and will not be ready for a family and marriage for at least two more years because he is having financial issues. I am ready now, or at least within the next year, and I want a future with him. I am scared to stay with him another two years just for him to again tell me he is not ready or maybe by then I’ll be too old to have kids. He has a lot of financial baggage and debt, I don’t. Should I move on or stick it out?
— Lady in Waiting

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  1. Wow im in the same floating boat. I know my partner loves me very much but i think he might be scared of being a parent. I have also discovered the older one gets the more difficult it becomes to get pregant. My sister jus had a bay a the age of 43..seven years of unprotected making. I have even thought of sperm banks but i know that would turn my love away. I did share with my partner if we didnt try i would have resentment. Wish you all the best. Try praying about it..it cant hurt.

  2. What is the reason why the guy has “so many financial issues and debt?” That would be a big concern for me regardless of the ticking biological clock. Is he financially irresponsible (or was there a good reason for the debt)? Is it possible for him to file bankruptcy so that the couple can start with a clean slate? If he’s financially irresponsible that is a major dealbreaker in my book.

  3. Dear Lady in waiting,

    I am in exactly the same position, same age also… by chance if you are still following up on the responses… what did you finally decide to do?
    My partner suggested we have couple therapy. He already has 3 children prom previous marriages.
    I agreed to this, but by the 3rd session got fed up with the whole scene… asking myself why am I here. I broke it off. we see each other sometimes.
    2 months have passed and I miss our relationship terribly. I feel I made a hasty decision and perhaps should have continued the couples therapy a little while longer.
    anyway just wondering what did you decide.

  4. sasha, 75% of the women you know who have kids and husbands TRICKED the man into it?

    That’s a horrible thing to do. I think I know about one women who did it.

    Wow, if I were you I’d get myself some less manipulative friends……

  5. I would have asked a man if he could be a sperm donor. I know many guys that have kids already would have said yes.

  6. Do what all other women in this position due….tell him youre on the pill but just not take it……..or put holes in the condoms. Why not?! It’s how 75 percent of the women I know landed their kids and got the man to commit.

  7. Rico, I have to be honest. That was the WORST suggestion I have ever seen.

    Sex should NEVER, I mean NEVER be used as a weapon or a tool. It is the most manipulative a person can do, and I wouldnt’ trust a woman OR a man who uses sex for ANYTHING other than to please their partner.

    Intentionally NOT using birth control is a recipe for disaster. This woman, should she be stupid enough to follow this advice (which I doubt she would) could easily end up pregnant and ALONE with a child to raise and a dead beat for the child’s absent father.

    I have seen some BAD advice, but using sex, and the THREAT of an unwanted pregnancy as a TOOL is the worst. If you think a simple BLOW JOB is the secret to getting a man to marry and have children with you, you have a LOT to learn about relationships. Really, blow jobs are a dime a dozen. Any well seasoned, sexually active man, who doesn’t have any trouble getting tail will NOT be swayed by such HIGH SCHOOL antics. And I know SO many High School girls who became single mothers and ruined their lives by doing just such a manipulative action.

    Sorry, but your info was the worst thing she could do.

    The man DOES NOT want kids or a commitment. End the relationship and move on.

  8. I recently took back my ex and it only lasted for the same time that we were together the first time (3 months). This time, he said that he had changed, was different, had his priorities in order, was more mature, wanted commitment and was ready for marriage with me. He was 23 and I was 30. He said he wanted to marry me, have my children, live with me and be with me forever. He said a lot of things to me, making so many promises but never actually fulfilling them. It was more common than not for him to ‘say one thing’ and ‘do another’. When I finally pulled the pin on him, I also found out I was pregnant. I told him to pull his socks up re: his behaviour and attitude towards me. He was inconsiderate, selfish, childish, immature and irresponsible. I told him to either shape up or ship out. Sadly and unfortunately, it was an ‘ultimatum’ but I had no intention of making it one. It only came in light of the circumstances. He was full of b.s. and I fell pregnant at a time when I came to the realisation that things weren’t working out. When I told him of the pregnancy, he then gave me an ‘ultimatum’ – terminate the pregnancy before marriage OR ELSE!! He said he was ready for marriage, ready for anything but JUST NOT CHILDREN. It is unfortunate, that I found this out at the time I fell pregnant to him, but at least I found out sooner rather than later. What if I married him and found out later he wasn’t ready for children until 5 or 10 years later??? Of course our biological clocks are ticking and can stop at any moment. Can we really expect to put all our precious eggs in one basket?? Can we really be relying on ‘false hope’?? We can really trust a man who may not live up to his word?? Can we expect anything more from a man who wants us to put our plan/lives on hold for them?? How long should we wait for that right moment to arrive or slowly pass us by?? You need to be 100% honest with him as to what you expect from your relationship and what your head and heart desires. If your ideas and goals do not match with his right now, will they ever match in the future?? Perhaps, you are both on different pages of the book and you need to be with someone is on your page – commitment, marriage, children etc. Keep an open mind – you will find your Mr Right.

  9. Unfortunately when a man says he is not ready for marriage/relationship/kids whatever, what he is actually saying is

    I am not ready for marriage or a family with YOU!

    Do yourself a favour and leave him.

    So sorry

  10. Oh please. Quit scaring the woman. If you want to know about your reproductive years “how much time you have left”, there are tests your MD can do. Some 25 year olds that are ‘perfectly healthy’ and young can not conceive.

    As far as the bf? It’s an excuse. There will -always- be an excuse. I have been with my boyfriend, exclusively, for 13 years, since I was 26 years old. I did not want children until my 30’s. I was not thinking “mr Right” I was thinking “Mr Right Now”

    Unfortunately, I grew up. He didn’t. It went from me hinting, to asking, to begging, to horrid horrid fights. We broke up over it when I was 34. I went to a dating service, looking for a man whose goals were more on tune with mine.

    He called me over and over for 3 months, promising we would get married as soon as child support wasn’t such a huge issue (I make much more than him) The woman at the dating agency told me “It will ALWAYS be an excuse with him. Don’t be in this same situation 2, 3, 4 years in the future.

    Well…lemme tell you. 6 years later, thats exactly where I am. Still not married, still no kids. Now that I have finally told him “Having AND raising a child is more important to me than being with you, and I am ending things, please move out” (he knows I won’t have a child with him without the ring)

    Not in an ultimatum kind of way…just straight facts, no emotions (after 13 years, his family is like my family. One weekend and an ocean of beer later, he brings his birth certificate and says “Lets go get a marriage license”. No ring, no proposal, just that.

    He is finally on the same page with me, of sorts. But after 8-9 years of begging, pleading, frustration and resentment…I’m not so sure I want that with him anymore. So, with time ticking, I’m trying to make this huge decision. I could do worse, I could do better, I could go it alone. If I stay with him, it will be settling, because I want a child. He is a very good father, but doesn’t do responsibility well.

    The -only- thing I know is that if I do not have a child, I will resent…maybe even despise him for it. I will regret it my entire life. (yes, financially I can go it alone, it’s my house, I pay all the bills)

    And…btw…my MD had her first at 42 and second at 44 with no medical intervention. I guess if she wasn’t afraid to be a ‘geriatric mother’, with all her medical knowledge (she is a general practitioner with emphasis on womens health) …I’m not either. She didn’t find “Mr Right” until she was 38. It wasn’t by choice.

    PS. Adoption is wonderful, but some of us -really- want the experience of pregnancy. PPS, both of my Doc’s sons are 100% healthy and normal, full term boys.

    All I can tell you is, follow your heart. Decide if you want him more, or a baby more, because there will -always- be an excuse. Been there, done that, nothanks. But no matter the advice anyone gives you, you won’t leave till you’re ready…and then you’ll wonder what took you so long.

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