58 Comments

1. I think Erika Awakening is right on.
   I’m assuming said “he” is about the same age. I think finances are a scapegoat here. If you are really in love, you don’t have to wait for the money or the dream wedding. Don’t get me wrong, financial stability is an awesome thing. It just isn’t the be all end all. Its really a lot easier to blame your parents for being broke rather than being bad parents.
   “I’m not ready to settle down” is completely understandable in your twenties. In your almost forties? not so much.

2. You are 38. You are female ( which indicates your window of opportunity for childbearing is about to close.)

   If he does not want to have kids yet, then you have the choice of leaving this man and look for a willing man, or else stay in and regret that decision for the rest of our life.

   It is either him or children. You are not creating this situation, it is him whom is forcing you to chose.

   You can always chose to become a single mother. That is a choice you have to make. But if you want to have a child within a couple, then you have to leave this guy and look for a man that shares your view.

   No way around it.

3. I think he is old school. I mean you don’t need him to be the hero in your life, do you? If you have $ and the means to have a baby & get married, why does he have to have $. I mean women can take care of men. He doesn’t want to, all the other stuff sounds like excuses.

4. Since you’re 38, and that is considered maternal old age, you don’t have two years, and two years likley won’t change the finances since it hasn’t already. I also presume you’re using birth control.
   Here’s the solution, (I will be very frank and hope my answer doesn’t get deleted for it.)
   Ask him to hear you out at a bedtime when he can agree not to interupt and listen quietly while you tell him your needs and longings. After telling him, ask him to contemplate your request quietly without speaking and reserve any decision for a few weeks or when he’s ready to make one. Then, (this is the part not meant to offend, and I hope will not), offer, proactively initiate, and perform long patient fellatio while asking him to contemplate your needs, (if you don’t know how, or you’re not good at it, ask him to teach you, and be an A plus student). This will lead to sex: Advise him before sex, that due to your deep natural yearnings, you can no longer in good conscience use birth control, so only engage if he can love and accept the natural outcome of uniting. Else stay diligently with the aforementioned so as not to infer a penalty.
   Repeat enthusiastically nightly, (don’t get lazy), until the stars align you two. Initiating unrequested long, patient fellatio fifteen minutes after sex will earn you deep admiration and respect within the relationship. Indecision will evaporate and chasing finances will become secondary.
   That is a win / win solution, offered seriously, to resolve a heatbreaking and difficult problem , and is not intended in any way to be flippant or offensive.
   By the way, he doesn’t realize how incredibly lucky and what a fool he is. (Girls always seem to be magnetically attracted to the jerks).
   If that doesn’t work after a few months, preserve what little window of opportuniy you have left quickly, and snag the guy in your circle of aquaintances who you always knew instinctively all along wanted you more than anyone but maybe couldn’t speak it. You maybe shunned him because of his looks or shyness or geekiness or whatever. He may be younger, or maybe older. He maybe doesn’t pass the girlfriend test; decent though he may be, the girlfriends just don’t like him. He’s the one who would love you, and for a lifetime, more than he could ever say, or you would ever know, if only given a chance. He’s the one who longs for you, dreams of children with you, would humbly thank God for the daddy badge, patiently waits, is always happy to see you, prays for the possibility of even talking to you, whose eyes light up when he sees you, and who would shed tears of joy in his heart if you but smiled on him. Perhaps to your disgust.. you may even be repulsed that he dares to be interested in you. You know the guy. That fellow will never let you down at crunch time, which is now.

5. I’m of the view that we are always projecting our own fears onto the people in our lives … so if he’s not ready, it actually means I’m not ready. And that means I need to look at my own beliefs and fears and release whatever blocks are in the way of me manifesting what I want into my life. I personally am a huge fan of Emotional Freedom Techniques (an acupressure-based form of healing also known as “tapping”) to resolve this sort of inner conflict.

6. NO one is ever ready for children you just never know how things will go , I just realized that whatever the reason you either want children to have to love or you just simply dont because you dont have love for them !! IF YOU REALLY REALLY WANT SOMETHING YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN REGARDLESS THE SITUATION !

7. I waited like you , but 4 years, now I am doing it on my own, but it is a little late, my amh is low, and my fsh is high. I will exhaust all possibilities usuing my own eggs but they look like in the single digits. Plan c is donor egg but not with BF sperm. I wasted my time… They will never be ready, they want to go around and mess around and be boys. I trusted mine. I truly did ! DO not waste time
   Lorie

8. First, decide on which is the biggest priority: a baby or the boyfriend. It’s hard to say with any certainty what the b/f’s hestitation is – is it really financial difficulties or, is he just buying time? You mentioned he DOES have ‘a lot of financial baggage and debt’ – baby or no, THAT is a warning sign. Consideration needs to go to HOW he is addressing his financial difficulties – is he being proactive in reducing his debt or just cruising along with minimum payments? The point is – assuming he’s your age, if he hasn’t devised a plan to clean up his financial act at this point, then I wouldn’t be too convinced that he would clean it up in the next two years to take on another 18 years of the financial responsibility a child would require. Additionally, if he’s been irresponsible in the financial department – how would he handle the emotional challenges of raising a child?? Forget the credit score – how does he score emotionally in the relationship with YOU? Are you willing to add a child to that emotional plate?

   And, while it’s true two years is alot of time to invest in a relationship – and it could be (realistically) another two years before you would meet, and become pregnant with another boyfriend/husband – I would think its better to move on without the current guy. If having a child is the priority of your life – I’d consider moving on without the current boyfriend and having the child on your own. Speaking from experience & commenting on the experience of several of my friends – children will not change the behaviors of immature men. In fact, they seem to magnify the childish and irresponsible behaviors that already exist. Raising a child(ren) on your own is a tough job, but it can be done — I found it better in my own experience w/o the childish husband. I can’t make that judgment on your current b/f – but you can. Search your heart and be honest with your authentic self — then, and only then, will you find your answer….and your bliss. Good luck to you & many happy blessings!

   PS – my 21 yr old son and a ‘casual’ girlfriend had a baby together (unexpectedly) almost a year ago. They are not together but raise the child jointly. Neither wanted to be a parent at this stage of the game, but they were both willing to take on the responsibility (financially and emotionally) of being parents to my granddaughter, even if they couldn’t be together romantically. Sometimes, there is no clear-cut formula for successful parenting. But, one common denominator is the WANT to be a responsible parent. Again, best of luck to you and many happy blessings!

9. Oh, and by the way, I had my children before we met.

10. Not to rain on anyone’s parade but, I have a question for; Madaliso M. Mwale. I have been with a man for 8 years, exclusively. We are not married. Does that mean we are just dating and don’t have a commitment like a married couple? Anybody may feel free to comment.

11. Move on or have a baby on your own. Chances are that he will never be ready to have a family with you or anyone else. More than likely he will find another excuse not to have children when his financial situation is no longer an issue. There are other ways to have children. Many women out there are single moms and perfectly at ease with themselves. I am one of them. I was 30 when I had my twins and then I had another at 39. I wouldn’t wait too long though. As you start to get older your chances of getting pregnant lessen. So do your chances of going full term. I also found that its not always fair to the child. As they get older, unfortunately, so do you. It can tend to cause embarressment to your child because all of their friends’ mom’s are 10+ years younger. That does fade after they get older though. So, if I were you, I’d move on.

12. look and listen carefully: If the guy does not want a kid by now he is never going to want a kid. If you make him have a kid with you and he does not want a family, you are asking for trouble. It is that simple. Look there are thousands of men out there who really would like to have a family with you. go find one>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    enjoy life and your children will love you and he forever, even when they are teens. lol

13. Dear Lady in waiting.

    My humble advice to you is as follows:

    Both of you are not married to each other and as such not commited to each as married couples are.You are both simply dating hoping that one of the fine days to come ,you would tie the note.But unfortunately ,the man appears to be unstable even after two years has elapsed to settle down now due to the alleged fiancial reasons.You have dated for two yeasr now and this is quite handy a period and by now a seriuos,responsible,goal getting,action oriented and visionary man should have made up his mind to either marry you off or leave you alone to move on and find some else to get married to.That man does not seem to know what he wants in this life because two years has now passed and is still undecided wthether to marry you or not and still wants to be given another two years to settle down finanically.This is very dangerous and unhealthy route to go by for you and the earlier you make up your mind to move on the better.

    The issue of having a child with him should not at all arise because having a Child with him even when he is not ready to marry you is not the solution.Please always remember that it is the responsibility of a man to take care of both the woman and the child while the woman should only supplement the man as and when applicable.Even if you are more financially sound than him,do not have a child with him because he is not ready to look after you and the child and this may have seriuos finaiall implications on.Since the man is not ready,it could mean that the chances of him leaving you after having a child with him may even be higher.It is not your responsibility alone that you should take full resonsibility for the child.This is not the best way to go.At 38,is not bad as you may seem to think .You are still very young and highly marketable and iam sure that there is a seriuos man out there ready to marry you and have a happy family.

    What iam saying? For two years that you have dated this man,you must know him by now and asking for another two years grace period to sort out his financial challenges seems to be a clear indication that the man is not and may still not be ready for you even after the next two years.And so,LadY in waiting,leave that man alone and MOVE ON.You are not under any obligations to remian glued to him.MOVE ON my Sister and beleive God for your future partner.(Mathews 6 v 33).Your happyness in this life is not dependent on man,but rather on the decsisions that you PERSONALLY make which may yield either positive or negative results.

    All the very best as you make that importtant DECISION for your life now and the future.

14. If youve been in a relationship for 2 years and he hasn’t changed his mind about babies, I say move on. Finances may just be his plausible “excuse” on this subject. Don’t give up on finding the right person. Another thing to be concerned about is your own fertility. Are you pretty sure you can even conceive and carry a baby to term? My own rather sad experience, I wanted a baby and my husband (now ex-husband) at first was willing to have a child. After a year of trying, I learned I had a fertility issue. After going through treatments, my ex changed his mind and said he was “too old” to have another child.
    Adoption is another option, keep in mind that single-parenting is a tougher way to go and while friends and family may appear supportive of that option, they aren’t always available to help when you need them and ultimately the burden falls on you. (I have a friend who adopted as a single parent and she has struggled as the support she anticipated from her family hasn’t really materialized. She recently married for the first time to a man who is a supportive partner).

    Good luck!

15. A long time ago Ann Landers (the Queen of Advice) said a couple have to both be on the same page about kids or one of them will resent the other for the rest of their lives; either for an unwanted burden or a missed parental opportunity.
    By your late 30’s both of you know what you want/don’t want.

    MOVE ON.

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