Your Call: 38 and Want a Baby But He’s Not Ready
Dear Em & Lo,
I’m 38 and have been with my boyfriend a little over two years. He recently told me he is not and will not be ready for a family and marriage for at least two more years because he is having financial issues. I am ready now, or at least within the next year, and I want a future with him. I am scared to stay with him another two years just for him to again tell me he is not ready or maybe by then I’ll be too old to have kids. He has a lot of financial baggage and debt, I don’t. Should I move on or stick it out?
— Lady in Waiting
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hi dear woman think twice because at the next two years you will reach 40 ….and according to biological ways .it said pregnant after 40 is always diffecult, pains and at times very hard to get prenant.
there is never a right time to have kids.
the reason the ultimatum got the most votes is simple–too many women have stuck it out with guys that will never be ready to have kids, and some have lost the opportunity to have kids because of that. i think every option above is viable, depending on personal choice.
if i didnt have kids at age 38, thats what i would do, because i have heard of too many women who lost that chance. guys come and go, but children are forever-if you are ready for that step, then he needs to GET ready or move on without you.
Dump him.
1.If he is a lot of debt, there is posibbility that after marriage life would be suck. Imigaine you life being surrounded by debt.We all need to wipe our own arse.
2. The reason he dont want kid is probaly bcoz he already in a lot of debt.He will never be serious until he settle down within himself. If me , I wont wait for him. As the world wont wait for us either.
No one knows your situation but you. However, money does play a large roll in having a baby and making a life for that baby. A baby is not a toy. Make sure you can give that baby an education and a clean and healthy environment to grow up in. Be sure you are surrounded by friends and family who support you if you do this ‘on your own’. You may be smart and independant but dont kid yourself there will come a time you will need that family or friend in a pinch. You are at the age where you dont have too many years and mother nature will make that decision for you. Take it from someone who has been where you are now. Keep thinking that “perfect time” will come. The years take care of things not to mention “life” issues such as cancer or other health related issues. I know love and how it takes hold on a person. Once you have made your decision there’s no turning back. Good luck.
don’t be fooled if a person are not ready for something. please don’t force them in to it. this can be verry verry bad for you and them. take good care and think wisley.
Your boyfriend should run, not walk, as fast as he can for the nearest exit.
If he doesn’t, you should.
He has explicitly said that he doesn’t want children. Your biological urge deafens you to simple clear language.
If things are so disjointed at this early stage the three of you are headed for a serious uphill journey fraught with trouble.
look baby. you already 39 you’er reaching the stages in age that most men will stop looking at you stright. unless you can be his meal ticket . that is be like me own your own home have a little chi-chic- change tuck away. and he munch off you. even old men wants babbies but. there are some one out there for you. but. who in the hake is he. and where to found him. i suggest you pray and pray hard too
never push a man in marring. or. making a serious commitment /relationship. you both will really regret it. and soon. i know this i have experance just about every thingin marriage and relationships. but. i ‘ll leave this up to you. but remember. queen told you so.
hell!do like i did. have your baby by another man. don’t rob your self of a preouise child. because if he don’t want to have a baby with you . he don’t love you . trust me and god. the man don’t love you and he are afraid of somethme in the future of paying child support. he is a real as% hole. but. the truth is he’s good he is trying to tell you that he don’t love you. but. he putting it in the from of claimming not wanting a baby
Wow..I’m 39 and am in the same situation!! Five months ago, I decided on the sperm bank and am scheduled for insemination in Nov…My boyfriend has finally figured that my decision wasn’t about controlling him but is a deep desire that I am having as a “life giver”. He is now on board and WE will be trying in Nov. and will marry on New Years Eve!! I’m sending positive thoughts out to “Lady in Waiting”!!
Do you want to have a baby, or do you want to have a baby with him? If you love him and want to have a child with him (adopted or natural) as the fullest expression of your love for each other, then stay. If you just want to have a baby, then leave.
I’d say the type of debt also matters. If he is simply a spendthrift who can never live within his means, that’s a red flag. IF he got into debt because he lived off credit while laid off or went to law school, that’s more livable.
Forget the ultimatum if you want a successful relationship, let alone a dad who doesn’t resent the hell out of his own kid.
Her clock is ticking and with good reason. Complication rates and infertility go up dramatically after your 30’s despite the claim that “Science does wonderful things…” This couple is not on the same wave length. Even if you remove the child from the equation, who wants to be with a man who 1) does not want to commit after 2 years, and may never, and 2) is so in debt at that age, that he cannot forge his own way as a partner? He’s not a good catch for someone looking to make a future with, let alone a family.
Doesn’t make him “evil”, or “wrong”, but it does make the two of them a bad match. Add to that her desire for a child, and you have a situation that needs to end. And soon. (Oh, and what if she’d like 2 children? Not going to happen with this guy.) You think he’s going to get his financial act together only to then say, “okay now let’s start a family b/c I finally have no debt”?
Who knows? Maybe he’ll regret losing her enough to get his act together. But they’ve been “dating” for 2 years. How long does it take to decide at that age? Good grief. Enough already.
Choosing the right partner is not all there is to staying happily married. Having similar life goals is another chunk and he does not have the same life goals as she does, and he’s a poor financial manager on top of that. Sorry, he gets the boot for now. See what happens later. But no ultimatum. That’s manipulative, and will NOT work in the long run.
Read again what Bill said, best advice on here.
I agree with Bill. Never give him an ultimatum. If you truely love him then you make peace with your decision to stay with him and weight out to see what happens. If having a baby is something that is weighing on you to do within the next year, then he’s not the one. But don’t go behind his back, get pregnant and force him into something he already told you he wasn’t ready for because you may become a single parent. I don’t believe in 2 yrs he’ll be ready either. As a parent to 2 kids, your never financially ready for a child. Ever!! Its something you decide whether you want or not and go for it. Saving for kids is something you should of done from the day you were born. But whatever decision you make, you’ve gotta live with it. Don’t break up with him thinking its gonna force him to give you what you want to get you back, that’s not fair!
IF those are his legit reasons then that makes sense. Why would anyone want a baby if they can not afford it? That will only cause strain between you two and in the end the baby will get hurt. Women have babies around the age of 40 now more than ever. All that means is you will have gotten to experience all of the “single life” things when you do have one. If by then he’s still not ready, leave him because he probably won’t ever be.