58 Comments

1. Firstly, I’d like to say it always grates on me when people say they want a “baby”. It’s a “baby” for all of 40 minutes. Before you know it, (5 years here) you’ll be having to search for schools, uniforms, and everything that entails, then 5 years after that you’ll have to be thinking about secondary schools and how they’re going to settle in, then a few years later, all the issues that being a teenager in a school full of big kids can bring, and then hopefully a few years after that (by which i mean, not at age 13), trying to deal with what will most likely be a hormonal soon to be sexually actively teenager. It’s not a cute baby, it’s a person that will alternately look up to you and tell you it hates you through the course of your life, and take your life as the basics of what being human is all about. Like I said, the “baby” stage is over in about 40 minutes.

   Secondly, what happens if something happens to you? Do you have a support system so that your kid won’t have to end up in care if you die, or become unable to support it – families, friends you can trust to raise it – and what about childcare? Is the life you want to give it compatible with the hours you work – and if you cut down, will you be able to give it the life you want? (I’m talking about contact time here, not just money).

   I agree with the “don’t give him an ultimatum” answer. You can’t force him to be a dad, you’re just going to have to work out what’s more important to you; this relationship, or creating a child to raise. And maybe, if you go for IVF, you need to think about what’s more important; creating a child to raise, or a relationship at all. Because although I am in no way implying that being single and childless means you’re going to be forever alone, when you go for IVF by yourself, you’re committing to the child, not to any future relationships, you’re saying “despite being single, that is not a barrier, this is what I want”. You are not saying “this is what I want, I assume I’ll find someone to help me raise it”. You need to plan to be single, or you’ll end up out of your depth. Which again comes back to the support system. Do you have a family and friends support system that you can depend on to help you raise this human that will be dependent on your for the next 18 years minimum (assuming nothing horrendous happens)?

   Because if you don’t have the support network, maybe you should consider why it is you so desperately want to make a person yourself. To be perfectly honest, it almost sounds like you want to move on, but are scared to leave, and think that having a child with him could fix it. Children are not relationship glue. It sounds like a manifestation of your need for him to make a significant commitment to your relationship, something he hasn’t done yet. Because rightly, if there’s no future in the relationship, there’s no much point in hanging around. But children won’t give a relationship a future, it just means you’ll have something binding you, no matter how far apart you go.

   And if anyone thinks I’m trying to put the writer off, please let me say;

   If a random commenter on the internet can put you off having a child, then maybe having a child isn’t the best decision for you right now.

2. I chose the browsing the sperm bank in front of him option because, as much as I agree with going ahead with your baby plan yourself, an ultimatum will push him away. Browsing the catalogue might show him you’re serious and under the pressure of time, without forcing him to make a choice about being a part of it. The only change I would make to that option is actually following the plan through. A possible win-win scenario is that he’ll be the donor (and therefore be involved without financial obligations).

3. I think you should move on. You want very different things and he may never be “ready”. It is highly possible that you have already weighted to long to have a child of your own. Women see stars having babies later and later but for most of us that is just not realistic. I wish you well and that you have the family you dream of. Be it thru birth or adoption.

4. Sorry Spes, but that’s definitely what it sounded like you were saying. This letter said nothing about a “poverty stricken” situation. One can have financial problems (debt) that makes it rather difficult to support a child, and not be “poverty stricken”. I’m sorry you thought I was being “holier than thou”… It really wasn’t my intention… I was merely offering my personal example of how having a lot of money doesn’t mean much when it comes to raising kids.

   I would address your comment on social welfare programs – but in that case, I would be being holier than thou. Suffice it to say that I personally believe they should exist. And while I think that if someone is aware that they WILL have to go on these programs to survive with a child – I think they should wait, I also believe there is no shame in having to. I feel there is nothing wrong with my taxes helping those who have less than I do.

5. Once upon a time I would have thought having a baby on your own was a great idea. Now that I have kids, I don’t. I can imagine being desperate enough to do it, but raising kids really requires more than one person. If you have to do it alone, you will, but don’t choose it if you can avoid it.

   I have also found that it is better if you are in a position where one of you can stay home or cut back on their career/job. This is not always a choice, but it’s something you should consider in your plans.

   I would also vote for moving on because this guy could marry her now even if he couldn’t afford kids yet.

6. I had to break my heart when it came to this. Life is too short and there is never a perfect situation in finances to start a family. You will find someone that is close to the same page that you are. They will love you and your new family.

7. Just be patience and keep on praying because he may be testing your faith or to know the kind of girl you are. He may also be the right man for you so don,t rush yourself into another relationship if that’s what you have in mind because it may be worst.

8. Firstly, I didn’t say, nor even imply, that one needs to be in a ‘perfect financial’ situation in order to have a child (especially since I don’t think such a thing really exists). What I did say was that bringing a child into a poverty stricken life is abusive and selfish, and I stand by that. I’ll not apologize for believing that if a family needs government support in order to have a child then they don’t need to have any children. It’s not my job to provide taxes for people who have irresponsible sex. If a person can support their own, well then, I guess if they really want to do such a thing, they should go ahead and have a kid. But NOT on my dime. And if that means 80% of Americans won’t have children, I don’t see a problem with that. I’ll take quality over quantity any day.

   And as a qualifier, that doesn’t mean only the rich get to have children. My mother wasn’t on welfare, and there were times when there were 7 people living in our one bedroom apartment because our entire family was poor. Hell, my grandmother was a bag lady. Until I was 13 I had to share a room–and sometimes even a bed–with my mother and brother. I know what it’s like to be hungry on a daily basis. So don’t presume to tell me how one can come from ‘low income’ and be well adjusted. There’s no point in bothering to get holier than thou with me, thank you very much.

9. This is difficult in many ways, and I didn’t choose any of the options above.

   I wonder if she’d rather have “a” child no matter what, his child with him as the father, or a childless relationship with this man. Also, I don’t quite understand if his plan is to get his finances in order in two years, and is then definitely ready to have children. If that is the case, then I would say 38 vs. 40 is not such a big difference (then again, I am 29 and I don’t know what it feels like). Additionally, I agree with the commenters who said pressuring is not a good idea. It never is. I also think that having his baby but telling him he doesn’t have to be involved (financially or otherwise) is forcing fatherhood on him. The adoption suggestion might be worth thinking about too, and if you are going to have a child, just make sure you have a great doctor and it’ll be fine.

   I think they just need a serious talk in which they make their priorities clear to the other one, and make a plan. Good luck!

10. I think what’s really telling here is that 91% of people came out in favor of *not* waiting out this guy’s proposed two-year savings plan (or whatever it is).

    everything else is just etiquette and semantics.

11. Spes – so you are saying that if one isn’t 100% financially stable they shouldn’t have children? You realize this would basically mean then end of civilization – right – considering 99% of the world can’t “afford” a child. Honestly… I read somewhere that with the actual cost of a child, something like 80% of AMERICANS can’t afford a child.

    I’m not saying finances aren’t important when considering when to have a child… Just that it is a HUGE stretch to say that someone who doesn’t have perfect finances (You know – most of us) would be committing abuse by having a child. I grew up low income and I am just fine. Most of us are, thank you very much.

    Other than that – I agree. I like number 3 because of the whole “Well if you want a baby, YOU have a baby” aspect… I dont think it should matter whether or not he is involved, but I also dislike it sounding like an ultimatum. I guess I would re-word it to something like “If you think you can support a child and want one, tell him so. And if that doesn’t change his mind – the do it yourself!”

12. I have to agree with Bill. Ultimatums can go very, very wrong, either because he’ll agree and resent you for it later, or he’ll be stubborn and dig his feet in just because he doesn’t like feeling like he’s being controlled.
    I do feel the need to point out that when it comes to having children, money is NOT trivial. Bringing a child into a poverty stricken life is not only selfish but abusive. However, if you can comfortably afford to care for the child financially, mentally, and emotionally, then having a marriage isn’t really needed. Many of us have been raised without fathers or mothers and have become well adjusted adults. In your case I would think long and hard about whether you really want to have a child of your body. Having a child after 35 puts you and the child at much greater risks for complications and disorders. But, again, many have made it work, perhaps you might be one of them. Perhaps not. My vote is adoption, and if the guy wants to stay and help you raise it, so be it.

13. I am disappointed that the ultimatum got the most votes, because that is the *worst* choice. The last thing you want is for the guy to agree to a baby just because he feels pressured. Clearly he does not want a baby now. So you need to decide whether you want him or a baby (I wouldn’t bet much on him being ready for a baby in two years either). If you decide you want him, you have to make peace with your decision. If you decide you want the baby, you have to break up with him and get on with your life. Maybe he’ll change his mind after you break up with him, but don’t present it as an ultimatum.

14. I like the third option of saying that you want a baby and can do it with your own money/resources, but it comes across very much like an ultimatum which I feel is bullshit. Obviously the guy is not all that eager to be married and start procreating, and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it is not what she wants. This sounds like a classic case of two people not having the same thoughts for their future. What do they always say – it costs something like $250k to raise one child until they are 18 and in economic times like today, no one is in a position to fork out that kind of dough so I think his whole money/debt is a bullshit excuse because there are a lot of folks out there that a dying to be parents and would never let something as trivial as money stand in their way. I say that she pay attention to the situation and if marriage and children is really the most important thing on her agenda, then she needs to get out and do what’s good for her.

15. Since when is our ability to parent inextricably tied to our ability to maintain a romantic relationship? Sure, in an *ideal* world every baby would be wanted and have two financially sound parents with a whole host of extended family and supportive social network, it takes a village blah blah fishcakes. In reality? You want a baby. So look at your savings account, and then decide if YOU can have a baby. You want a boyfriend? Look in your sex toy drawer (I know you have one too!) and then decide if YOU need a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Or FWB. Whatever. I just don’t think my ability to get along with potential mother in laws and neurotic sociopathic-wannabe potheads (oh, maybe thats just my own personal dating pool these days, YMMV) should decry whether I can nurture and make sure a small human gets enough food, attention and daylight till I ship it off to kindergarden in Switzerland. Or something.

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