Your Call: How Can I Tell If He Wants More Than Sex?

photo by sinabeet

Dear Em & Lo,
I have a male friend whose company I enjoy very much (I’ve known him for about 3 months). He’s very much attracted to me (or he just wants sex) and we hang out when we can and talk on the phone almost everyday. We are both single at the moment and he’s tried several times to initiate sex and said on numerous occasions that he would like to sleep with me. I don’t believe in casual sex (feel free to judge). I am attracted to him and would have considered sex if I thought there was a possibility of a long-term relationship. At the moment I don’t see anything of the sort, even though he likes me, it seems to me like he is weighing his options. Since I am still single and find myself engaging his company more often, what should be my best course of action?
— Holding Out

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  1. We as women tend to try and “fix” what a guy says to make it sound sweeter in ours ears. He is a grown man. He would have taken you out if he wanted to. But he wants sex. Just sex. If that’s okay with you then have at it. But Pls believe that “Just sex” guy rarely becomes “Boyfriend” guy. RUN, RUN QUICKLY!!!!!

  2. sometimes in life we jus never what is going to happen. i met this guy a couple years ago and after dating for 6 months we started calling each other”boyfriend-girlfriend” i have met most of his friends and he has met mine.but in september of last year i got pregnant not much people knew.the thing is my mom said that i was 2 young for a baby….im 19yrs.january of 2010 i had and abortion because of all the stress.he wasnt for it and said my family and i are wicked people.he was as hurt as i was.we kept apart for 2 weeks and then he decided that we shold continue our relationship but the thing is i do not know if he made that decision 2 make me suffer for i did or if it is bcuz he loves me.how do i know?

  3. Some guy said: “God knows, women have that uncanny ability to bold face lie” This from a “guy” who is complaining about all the “man haters” on the board.(Whom I didn’t see.) Sure, just sum up all of femininity with one broad brush.


  4. Well the main word is TALK!! He can’t guess what you want. But I dated a guy for 4yrs. Engaged at 11 months. Kept getting a answer that we would get married soon. Buy a house & be together & the rest of that kind of crap. I was very disappointed also. Dumb me had been by myself for 6yrs before him so I kept thinking maybe this will work. NOT!! He admitted in the end he had lied to stay with me & that he never wanted marriage. So talk to your guy. Like you we were also friend for a long time before getting engaged. Loving my life & over it NOW :)))

  5. It’s really your call but, I once dated a guy for 8 months who did not make a move on me til then. (We are both in our 40’s.) Thought that I finally found a guy who respects me & where chivalry isn’t dead. Went out alot up to that point..then all he wanted after having sex was just watching movies and sex at his place. Never called me his Girlfriend, so I asked him. He said that he liked me for a Friend. That was the last time I saw him….Very Disappointed..Gave up after that.

  6. Ha! Been there, done that. I was friends with a guy for about a year before he said that to me. I was flattered, he was cute and you know relationships can grow. So after a game of cards and drinking we had sex. Nothing ever came of it- we grew apart, I still run into him at parties and such.
    I’m guessing your guy just wants sex, to try it out, since you are friends- maybe it will be good. From his view, what does he got to lose? Any guy that wants a relationship would behave differently.

  7. the best think for you is to let him know your intentions and ask himself about it, not us!
    no “if”s and “but”s and “maybe”s like teenagers, act like an adult and communicate.

    cuz he’s the only one who got the final correct answer for you

  8. Well, after reading this, there are obviously some man haters on here….and hey, I get it. Being a guy myself, I have done a few things before for the sake of getting in bed with some girl.

    In it’s simplest form, guys need a PLACE to have sex while girls need a REASON to have sex. And God knows, women have that uncanny ability to bold face lie, and you never really know what her reason is. Maybe she does like you, or maybe she knows your girlfriend and it is a test, or maybe she is just wanting to get laid. Who knows..but, guys will have sex for the sake of having sex. The biggest question I always ask myself before I sleep with someone is “How did I meet them? Do we know any of the same people? Does she seem rational (I don’t deal with drama)? And lastly, what do I want from her?”

    Maybe I missed it, but how old are you guys? I am in my 30’s, and there comes a point in life where you say to yourself about someone you met “You know, I bet sex with her would be incredible, but WHAT is my goal in life?” Sure, we can all have casual sex until the cows come home, but that gets old after a fair amount of time.

    My advice?? You need to make up YOUR mind what you want from him and tell him. His reaction will tell you what he wants. My thought though is that he really likes you. I know I wouldn’t wait for 3 months…..unless I had another casual sex partner that I was getting it from. But here is the thing….since you aren’t actively sleeping with him, you can’t ask him about it. Why?? Because if you start grilling him about his sex life when you aren’t sleeping with him, he will think the invasive questions will get worse once you do sleep with him. So, as I said, you need to make up your mind what you want from him and tell him.

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