We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
My ex-boyfriend’s new girl will not stop harassing me! It took me a while, but after 6 years (age 16 – 22) of verbal and physical abuse I finally broke up with my high school “sweetheart.” I moved out of the county (small town), stopped communication with mutual friends, and have not contacted him since. I now live over 1000 miles away. My ex and his new girlfriend (now fiance) continue these trash campaigns against me on Facebook and by prank phone calls — they get their entire family involved (did I mention I used to date rednecks?).
I have never met his new girl nor tried to contact her. The old me would have retaliated against them but I know it will only make things worse. But I can’t pretend that their hateful words towards me AND my family doesn’t affect me.
After one of their episodes, I contemplate for days on how to get revenge. I think of threatening them by releasing photos, videos, and letters because I know it will hurt her. I’ve considered posting responses on my Facebook that would showcase their insecurities and ignorance. But I know any reaction that I show will only create more drama and give them the satisfaction of thinking I still care. But I do care. I obsess for days on how to make them stop for good. I never go through with anything and eventually I forget about it. Then a month goes by and it starts again.
I’ve kept quiet for nearly four years. I’m completely fed up and they don’t seem to be moving on. What could (or should) I do without compromising my integrity? Please help!
Thank you,
Head Held High
What should HHH do?
HHH what is being done to you is against the law and it is called Harassment by Communication. It carries a 2-5 years manditory sentence. As for AT&T telling you they can’t trace the call that is a lie. There is no such thing as privacy with phones anymore. Also there is a different charge if they are using a cell phone to commit their crime. I found this out when I served as a jurer on a federal case. The defendant used his cell to commit crimes and their were phone records as evidence so naturally he was found guilty of those crimes. Go to the police or local District Attorney and have them get a court order to get your phone records. You will also need to document the date and time of the calls for the authorities. Also print out the FB stuff and present that to the authorities. I’m pretty sure these people are guilty of terrorism as well as stalking. Like I said go to the authorities. Another thing you can do is just don’t answer the blocked numbers and if you have to answer blocked numbers have something like a whistle to blow loudly into the phone with when you hear them on the other end, then hang up because they won’t be hearing well after that! Chances are that even if they aren’t saying anything they have their ear to the phone. LOL Maybe that will satisfy the need for revenge without getting yourself into trouble. It will at least give them an earache! LOL
Hey there
I dealt with someone posting very horrible stuff on facebook about a year ago. On this persons profile is a button saying block/report abuse. Slander counts as abuse and facebook has a policy on it. The made me fill in a form and provide details like date of post contents and reasons for complaint. They then go through a process which they keep you in the loop for. They analyze the persons profile and determine if you complaint is valid. If they find a problem they immediately permanently delete the offending posts. If the person re offends they block their account for 6 months and if again the person is found spouting abuse they are banned. The whole process is anonymous so I say give it a try.
^ Wow, great answer! Now you know exactly what to do.
I have the same problem with an ex-gf of mine. Since she moved 3000 miles away, it’s no longer under state jurisdiction, but now a matter for the FBI. (And if a call from the FBI won’t stop him dead in his redneck tracks, nothing will!!)
Here are the steps you have to follow, as told to me by my local District Attorney:
(1) Immediately go to your local precinct and file a report of harassment. This gets the paper trail to the law. Bring as many printouts as you have, but don’t worry about bringing EVERYTHING from 4 years of stalking/slander. Just whatever you’ve got handy.
(2) Call your nearest FBI office and tell them what’s going on. They will ask for his name and such. They may refer you to the FBI Cyber Crime unit, which knows how to handle internet stalking.
(3) Sign up for a phone service called “TrapCall”. I have it, and for about $5/month, I can unblock private numbers. There is a loophole where doing this is legal. The service allows you to re-route a blocked call to an 800 number, and since 800 numbers have the right to unblock private calls… it bounces it back to your phone, and voila! His actual number will show up in your missed calls. Take a photo!
(4) Call an attorney who deals with stalking/harassment/slander and libel. What your ex is doing to you is a crime, don’t forget it.
Best of luck, and remember, the longer you sit back and wait, the greater chance of him finally crossing the line someday. You don’t want it to get to that point. Legal action *now* is a great preventative measure for peace of mind and safety later.
I have the same problem with an ex-gf of mine. Since she moved 3000 miles away, it’s no longer a state problem, but an FBI problem. Here are the steps you have to follow to get the ball rolling, as told to me by my local District Attorney:
(1) Immediately go to your local precinct and file a report of harassment. This gets the paper trail to the law. (Bring as many printouts as you have, but don’t worry about bringing EVERYTHING from 4 years of stalking/slander. Just whatever you’ve got handy.)
(2) Call your nearest FBI office and tell them what’s going on. They will ask for his name and such. They may refer you to the FBI Cyber Crime unit, which knows how to handle internet stalking.
(3) Sign up for a phone service called “TrapCall”. I have this and for about $5/month, I can unblock blocked numbers. There is a loophole where doing this is, in fact, legal. The service allows you to re-route a blocked call to an 800 number, and 800 numbers have the right to see what number they’re receiving a call from… then it bounces it back to your phone, and voila!
(4) Call an attorney who deals with stalking/harassment/slander and libel. What your ex is doing to you is a crime, don’t forget it.
Best of luck, and remember, the longer you sit back and wait, the greater chance of him finally crossing the line someday. You don’t want it to get to that point. Legal action *now* is a great preventative measure… for peace of mind and safety *later*.
I forget the exact figure, but they say the vast majority of women who get hurt by men, get hurt by men they know. Usually a BF or husband or ex or obsessed suitor.
That’s why I advise not screwing around and starting a paper trail against him.
Sadly, same thing happened to me. For legal purposes, I can’t go into detail on what happened or I’d be in trouble. Anyway, if I was you, I would go the legal route, file a police report, screen cap all the mess they say about you, show phone history to them and let them know that you are being harassed. I mean, that should be a wakeup call, honestly, as my friend said “if some girl slapped some harassment suit on me, I’d be like, wow, there’s something wrong with me”.
If you file a police report as well for harassing phone calls (which only takes about an hour or so), then AT&T will be able to trace back the number as well, which should help bolster your legal case. I agree with the cease & desist letter & calling a lawyer. They could be committing libel and be held criminally and financially accountable.
You really should see a lawyer. You could consider having the lawyer send some type of cease and disist letter to the ex and his girl. If they think that you may take further legal action they might stop. If you can handle it, you should try to make record of the facebook posts. I know this would meaning reading all of that negative crap that they are saying about you but you would need some proof if legal action became necessary. More importantly, try not to let this eat into your mind. They are obivously just unbalanced, mean, and viscious. Don’t let them project all of that crap onto you because that is letting them win. Seeing a therapist helped me to feel better about issues like this. Good luck, stay strong!!!
Thank you all so much for your comments. I have changed my number three times and am now unable to because I run my consulting business with that number, plus AT&T began to charge me. The prank calls are always from a blocked number and AT&T has said there is no way to trace the number back.
In regards to Facebook, I do not have any mutual friends with either of them or anyone in their family. Their Facebook rants against me are always posted on their own pages so there is nothing I can do about it. I try to not be curious as to what they are saying and I’ve asked friends to please stop telling me anything they hear in the rumor mill. But somehow something always gets back to me and it consumes my thoughts for days, if not weeks.
My biggest concern is they are ruining my name, and my family’s name. It may not seem like a big deal and I should just ignore it but I came from a really small town and your reputation and family name is important. All I can think about is how my nieces will be affected by this hatred once they begin school (in less than a year!).
Thank you all again for your help. I truly appreciate it.
Best,
HHH
I definitely agree with Tiffany’s response. I had a harrassment/stalking situation with an ex-boyfriend in college. I barely dated the guy for two weeks and suddenly I was his obsession. Thank God I wasn’t on Facebook then because I’m certain things would have happened there too, but my advice to you is gather as much as you can and take it to authorities.
I had to involve the police in my situation because he followed me all over college campus, would show up at my job- just driving by the front window, called my parents, my cell phone, and even my new dorm number after I switched colleges leaving threatening messages. The whole ordeal went on for 2 and a half years. My biggest regret is that I didn’t go to authorities sooner (Only reported it after 6 months and following a physical altercation with him).
This man has terrorized you for four years. Change Facebook identities if you have to, do as Tiffany suggested and defriend any mutual friends you and he have. If they associate with this piece of garbage then they probably aren’t worth being friends with anyway. Take care of yourself and be careful.
I have had a similar situation but not as bad. My ex was Facebook stalking me, and contacting lots of my friends to say not so nice things about me. My friends knew what was up, so they didn’t pay much attention, and eventually removed him. I upped my privacy settings, and removed any friends that I met through him, so there is no way for him to see any of my photos, posts, etc. Problem solved. Fortunately, there are about 3000 miles between us and it’s going to stay that way, so I don’t have to worry about physical stalking.
If you want to cut off contact, there are many ways. Have you tried blocking their numbers or changing your own phone number? I got my phone number changed for free when people tried calling me and would somehow be transferred to a scary dude mid-call. Also, what about blocking them on Facebook? Removing them from your friends entirely? You can cut off access by having only friends write things on your wall and if a friend lets them write on your wall, delete them immediately (as that’s not a real friend). Email those who might be affected by this change and apologize for the inconvenience, but let them know that you have an actual facebook stalker that you need to block. You can also group people into different lists and customize that way.
Oh, and I’d avise against revenge. Sounds like internet and phone harassment is kind of this guy’s thing. You’d be stepping into his arena.
Don’t do it. Just compile everything you have a record of (phone bills with his incoming number, nasty emails, threats from him, threats from his ex, testimony from sympathetic witnesses if possible) and get the law involved.
I’d brush up on the (il)legality of what he’s doing. No doubt in four years of cyber-harassment he’s made some kind of threat or slander that he could be charged with a crime for.
I’d say talk to a lawyer, seriously.