We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been in an “arrangement” style non-relationship with a dude for nearly a year (I say “arrangement” as I loathe the terms “fuck buddy” or “booty call,” but yes, they are one and the same). We have both seen other people over the course of this time, and it’s never been a big deal, we just see one another when the mood strikes, on a non-regular basis (sometimes once a month, sometimes every 90 days, just depending on our personal relationships at the time).
I don’t know if it’s the lack of other personal relationships of late, or what, but I have recently decided that I wouldn’t mind dating the fella for real, but don’t want to broach the subject for fear I’ll lose the best smoke signal I’ve ever had (again, a substitute for the awful butt buddy title)! I am nearly 100% positive that he’s not interested in more, otherwise I feel he would have made a move or a comment by now (thank you so much, mildly worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You).
Also, I feel there’s a definite double standard involved here (or perhaps it’s just my paranoia): if a man develops feelings for his female casual sex partner, and the woman is interested, she doesn’t think twice about taking it to the next level. However, if the female develops feelings, the man suddenly has a “she’s tarnished and I could never take an easy broad like her home to Mom” epiphany. I guess what I’m really asking, with no true agenda, just a general wondering is…
How big is the obstacle of going from AssFriend to Girlfriend and is it even truly possible??
— Nookie Monster
What do you think of Nookie Monster’s question? Leave your opinion in the comments section below.
Heather, my situation is very similar to yours….but I’m less hopeful. We’ve only slept together a few times but jes already told me he likes me but doesn’t want to date me. When I asked him why I always end up in these situations he explained that he personally likes the chase…..and I gave him none. We’re friends so we decided to end it last week as I told him id be upset if we were at a party and he flirted with another girl in front of me. That was last weekend……I’m expecting him to contact me again for a booty call….and hopefully when I say no…that he’s gonna have to work for it if he wants to spend time with me……he’ll smarten up…
Okay…here’s where it gets tricky. My current bf and I were coworkers, seemingly no attraction between us, until he made a move that changed everything forever. We decided to proceed with a sexual relationship, and (I’ve been told I have a “guy” mindset) made the rule that neither one would fall for the other. This worked out well for about a month (We hadn’t discussed what we would do about other partners except offhand, saying “I like to be monogamous”) and he slept with a mutual friend. At that point I had been slowly falling for him(despite what I said I would do, because he was sweet, charming, etc, and I had just gotten myself out of an abusive relationship), Wwweeellll, let me tell ya, I pulled back so far that he was literally CRUSHED…he told me that he felt like he had ruined anything we could have potentially had, and I told him I was taking myself out of the situation to allow him to pursue her. That lasted for about three days until Ms Happy Pants moved on to her newest conquest. It took us a while but we eventually got together again. This December will have been a year since we started fooling around. During this time he would casually say things like “YOu know, that’s why I love you”…or “I love that about you”.. The best part was when I went to NY for my week vacation, and he was texting me everyday. I suggested he stop by the stripclub(He frequented it often and knew all the girls by “street” names), and told him to “hook up” if he wanted to…He said “I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize us again. All the while telling me he “wasn’t in the right head space for a relationship”…well I gently reminded him we were only friends at which time he said goodnight and didn’t text me until the next day. Upon arriving home, we decided to sit down and have the “Talk”… at a bar(bad idea, as I got loaded and he got angry and nothing got discussed, other than I wouldn’t throw the past in his face nor he mine). The next day I resumed (Via text since I can be more honest over text) the conversation at which point he called me and said “I like you, I like your bits, we are more than FWB already so I have to be a man and ask you to formally be my gf…” That was 4 months ago now, and things are going swimmingly!! So it CAN happen, sometimes.
Thank you Kelsey,Thank you for you kind words, its not what I wanted to hear but I needed the wake up call. Its been 3 weeks since I heard from him and over a month since I last saw him.
@sandro RUN!!!!! Nothing good can come of this relationship. I had almost the exact situation and it ended horribly. You may think you are in live with him, but you are only in love with the IDEA of you two being together. He does my love you. If he did, he would be trying to pursue you in more than just a fuck buddy relationship. You deserve better than this. And you WILL find something better than this. But the first step is letting go for the sake of your dignity and mental well-being. Good luck!
Had a ONS in May with a guy we were really hot for each other texting everyday. Then we met again had an amazing evening dinner top hotel he was really trying to impress me. Told me he was falling for me but in the next breath said we were fuck buddies. This locked into my mind,the next day he sent me a tender text message to which I responded with a heightened message. He then replied with a loving message and I froze I could not get the fuck buddy phrase he had referred me as the night before out of my mind and did not respond. Two weeks later I had heard nothing so I texted him, he was really put out that I had not contacted him. He lacks confidence but I feel the moment was lost.We have met several times since the last time he kept telling me he loved me and surprise surprise he finished it off with the fuck buddy phrase. I hate all these mixed messages when we are together it is heaven I really love him its the closest Ive felt to anyone more than the husband I was married to for ten years who I have two children with. Anyway I then went on my hols which I had not told him about when I returned he then went away but before he went he arranged to see me on his return in five weeks. I love him and I told him so after he told me. What should I do?
If your not mature enough this could potentially be a “Heart-wrentching Train-wreck”, i believe not all people can do this. My boyfriend and I are still amazed when we look back on how this all came to be
Guys are simple communicators. If you’re reading into what he says or how he acts and interpreting that he isn’t interested in a relationship, you’re making a mistake. At te same time, if you’re giving him hints that you’re interested in a relationship, and expecting him to pick up on the hints, you’re doing it wrong.
Either 1) he is only interested in you sexually, or 2) he is interested in more but doesn’t want to jeopardize the sexual relationship (just like you!)
The only way to find out is to ask. There is always the chance that asking in itself will end the relationship, but that really doesn’t seem likely as long as you don’t come across as overly emotionally invested. Think about itt; IF he is only interested in the sexual relationship and you proposition him for dating in such a way that he doesn’t feel like you would be hurt if he said no, he’s not going to stop fuckig you… And he’ll probably trust you more because he knows you’ll be honest and direct.
So, how do you ask him? Directly. Be straightforward. Make sure he knows youre interested, but not already emotionally invested. Make it clear that you aren’t “falling for him”. Make it clear that you like fucking him. Tell him that, if he’s interested in dating you, you think it’s worth a shot, but that if he just wants to be fuck buddies, youre not going to be broken hearted. That’s it. As long as you make him comfortable with saying no, you’re not going to lose your fuck buddy and you might get more.
I’m a female and i say: YES it can work into a one on one boyfriend, girlfrind relationship! I’ve just gone through the very same thing, but i went from boyfriend, girlfriend, then we broke up (unrelated reasons) only still continuing to have sex while remaining great friends. For 1 whole year we did this seeing other people in the mean time. Until finally HE came to me and said he never stopped loving me and wanted me back, of course i said ‘YES.’ All-n-all, i really believe it takes maturity w/ the two people involved. If your not mature enough this could potentially be a “Heart-wrentching Train-wreck”, i believe not all people can do this. My boyfriend and I are still amazed when we look back on how this all came to be. Good luck folks
I’ve been in two “arrangements”. The first, I finally decided to break things off after 4 months since I was interested in the possibility of more, but was convinced he was not. When I tried, I did explain that I wanted more and was fine if he didn’t, but needed to cut loose to find someone who did. Turns out he’d been mulling over the same thing for a while and we decided to start dating – needless to say it didn’t work out.
The second time, I was madly in love with him (I wrote in about this one, actually). I gave the same explanation as the first situation, except saying that I didn’t want to see anyone else, but couldn’t keep sleeping with him without a commitment. He jumped ship. He came back a few weeks later saying he missed me a lot and didn’t want to lose me, so we could be a little more serious, but not quite bf/gf (yeah, I fell for that bullshit – I told you, madly in love lol). That lasted about a month until he went back to calling me only for sex and I got sick of it. We’re no longer seeing eachother anymore.
Basically, everything is situational. Each situation is unique. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. My only recommendation is talk about it, and soon. Sooner rather than later. I’m terribly sad at the amount of time spent waiting, hoping and wishing for the last guy – almost to the point where I wish we’d never met because I didn’t need to feel broken like that again. Something to consider is that I also think my first “arrangement” didn’t work because he was so used to fwb parameters, that the physical signs of respect weren’t present. Who knows.
Speaking as a guy, it’s natural that you would develop feelings for your sex partner, especially if these other relationships you’ve had in between aren’t meeting your needs. I doubt that you are meeting all of his, or you would know whether he’s interested in a more conventional relationship. If he were, he’d be coming around more often than every month or so.
But what signals are YOU sending? Are you hinting, or can you speak plainly? Are you keeping him at arm’s length? You don’t tell us much about his history – or yours, and he many be recovering from a bad relationship and be unable to meet you halfway. This might be your own condition. More information is necessary before we can offer much assistance.
So unless you can live with the situation as it is, you had better give up the sex and find someone else more in line with your relationship desires once you understand them.
Going through this RIGHT now… except it’s with my best friend of five years. Both single suddenly, so we’ve been doing the “well, since we aren’t getting it elsewhere” thing.. and its cool because we already have an amazing bond of respect and trust with one another… but now, MY feelings are starting to lean towards the “Hey, if I’m so awesome and we know each other so well already, AND we have this great sexual chemistry.. why aren’t WE dating?” Ugh. If i say anything, I risk losing my very best friend.(Let’s face it, it could end the friendship) If I don’t, I’ll never know what could have been… any answers to this question would be awesome… I need help! 🙂
I completely agree with the few responses here. It’ll be hard to get into a relationship now that you’ve been doing this whole arrangement for a year. But you never know till you try.
I personally had a friend of this nature for good six months, but feelings developed for her and she asked me if I saw her more than just a friend with arrangement. At that point, I was starting to get the same feelings for her so we decided to give it a shot and it’s worked out great so far.
You won’t know till you are honest with him. What’s the worst that will happen?
@Pigeon: Healthy relationships aren’t just based around getting into each others’ pants. There’s so much more of a person to explore, that if having sex is the main objective for someone to get into a relationship, then they need to reevaluate what a relationship is and what it truly means to them.
The best way to approach it is honestly and bluntly – expect it to be awkward. You never know what the other person is thinking, and it doesn’t hurt to ask. The more subtle way is to keep it light and simple, maybe make jokes or hint at it in your conversations. If he doesn’t shy away, then pursue it, but if you can tell he’s starting to run for the door then you have your answer.
I just don’t think it happens- I just think there’s no reason for him to make it a relationship- you’ve already given away the farm for free
For me about 1 in 5 casual sex partners becomes a serious girlfriend.
I have no such “tarnished, can’t bring an easy broad like her home to Mom” issue. It purely boils down to whether I find myself wanting a real relationship with her. In fact, all my best relationships have been with “easy” women. Love should be easy.
On the down side, you said you’re “almost 100% certain” that he doesn’t want more, and your gut is probably right.
On the up side, who says you’re not dating the fella for real? Exclusivity isn’t for everyone. If you’ve been doing this for a year with out anyone going into a ballistic jealous fit, maybe an arrangement of this nature is right for both of you.