We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been in an “arrangement” style non-relationship with a dude for nearly a year (I say “arrangement” as I loathe the terms “fuck buddy” or “booty call,” but yes, they are one and the same). We have both seen other people over the course of this time, and it’s never been a big deal, we just see one another when the mood strikes, on a non-regular basis (sometimes once a month, sometimes every 90 days, just depending on our personal relationships at the time).
I don’t know if it’s the lack of other personal relationships of late, or what, but I have recently decided that I wouldn’t mind dating the fella for real, but don’t want to broach the subject for fear I’ll lose the best smoke signal I’ve ever had (again, a substitute for the awful butt buddy title)! I am nearly 100% positive that he’s not interested in more, otherwise I feel he would have made a move or a comment by now (thank you so much, mildly worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You).
Also, I feel there’s a definite double standard involved here (or perhaps it’s just my paranoia): if a man develops feelings for his female casual sex partner, and the woman is interested, she doesn’t think twice about taking it to the next level. However, if the female develops feelings, the man suddenly has a “she’s tarnished and I could never take an easy broad like her home to Mom” epiphany. I guess what I’m really asking, with no true agenda, just a general wondering is…
How big is the obstacle of going from AssFriend to Girlfriend and is it even truly possible??
— Nookie Monster
What do you think of Nookie Monster’s question? Leave your opinion in the comments section below.
I have a problem.
I was dating a guy for almost 2 years and during our relationship we had a lot of arguments which ended in a break up.
It has ben 5 months since the break up and 3 months ago we decided to become FWB.
I keep thinking that he still loves me and wants me but he says that dont but his actions says something else.
We both are not seeing other people and during this time we have only been with eachother.
Also, he still has the keyring I bought him long time ago which says “always yours” with a heart shape and our pictures togheter are still on his phone. what should i do
So I met this guy through friends and we all went for drinks and clubbing. At the club we made out over and over, he said he would take me home. I currently live with my sister and I really wanted to get it on, so I told him I didnt feel like going home. We went to a motel nearby and got it on. Since prettyuch I dropped the ball by saying I dont wanna go home, was expecting pretty much a ONS treatment. But he asked if I wanted breakfast n conversation was
great and it lead to a next date withno sex. He
would call and text and we sort of were
dating… we never defined anything. About 2
ereks into this was my bday and he came with a present and a card… Then about a month after I realized he wad losing interest. I was
into him so had “the talk” and I decided to call it
off, he seemed to understand but no objection.
Then about 2 months after I called him and we met for drinks till then was not sure if it was a booty call but sure it was. Then I felt a bit sad as I still had feelings but he didnt seem to.
About 3 months after which is 2 weeks ago I drunkdialed and we met and just did our thing. Then again last week. I now know why I am meeting, no longer for a relationship, I think it is because I like to be intimate with HIM n currently not seeing anyone.
I wanna keep it less frequent but have ground rules like only when we r single and such. Also all the booty calls were made by me and he would come to me. I sort of like it that way as it is upon my convenience but also wonder why he would not….Also scared that if I even bring up any kind of talk to define anything this he will will just vanish. Some friends say to stay
away as he doesnt seem to value anything. I dunno what to do… just forget it until I am in the mood again… is he not even fbuddy material? Hmmm any feedback would help thanks!
Similar situation to many of you guys..
Met a guy one day, he approached me while we were both out in town. We talked for a little bit, and he asked for my number. I said sure.
First day we met, we had dinner and watched a movie. The chemistry was popping! We started getting physical and although I was scared when he put it on me (first time having sex in a while) I took the D. It wasn’t fantastic, but every time we have met since then the sex gets better and better. (but without me having an orgasm, just great cardio lol)
One time, he came outside my house saying that we need to talk. I was scared as hell, ’cause good things never come from “the talk”. He told me that day that he has a son, which means although he isn’t with the baby mother, she can be a mean ass. I said, alright cool. I didn’t know what to say, so I went a little bit quiet on him for a few weeks. I then hit him up after some time just to see how he was doing, didn’t wanna look like a bitch for just shutting him out like that, which he understood. I also said the next time I see him, I wanted to talk to him, to which he agreed.
The next time I saw him, I basically said to him “look, I know we’re not together which is cool, but for you to tell about your son and your baby mother knowing a lot of dogs would have conveniently left that shit out, it must be somewhat of a big deal and we don’t have to continue if this’ll make shit weird for you. If we’re just “dating” or “Seeing eachother” or quite bluntly, “fucking”, then I don’t know if it’s worth the hassle you might get, especially if you’re got history with her. What we have, is not worth the stress so we can end shit here on a completely humble and friendly tip and it won’t be a thing.” I was just being honest, and trying to think logically to which he replied that “although what we have isn’t necessarily serious, I’m NOT with her, she is a vindictive bitch that just likes to keep tabs on me, but I like you and want to continue seeing you”. I asked if he was sure ’cause we really don’t have to do this and he insisted. So we continued.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s easy for females to get caught up. When the conversations good, the chemistry a plus and you actually talk all the time, you can get shit twisted. I tried my best not to do that. Whenever my mind started wandering, I would snap myself back into reality real quick. Told myself know your place, know your role. It’s just sex. and after a year without sex, just the thought of going two months without it can give you the shakes!!! Loooool. I noticed the conversation deteriorating over time, and the calls would go from twice every day, to once every two or three days. I made myself stop calling him as much also, as I am NO ONE’S BUG A BOO. But as of lately, I’ve been thinking that as much as there’s no harm in a little fun so long as you’re being smart and responsible about it, I started to question myself as a woman. Now I don’t expect a relationship from this guy as we got into real quick and I’m real enough to accept that. But what’s got me thinking if I should rethink this whole shit, is that I’ve never really had a proper relationship before. Not that I fuck every guy I’m dealing with, BECA– USE I DON’T, but..from him picking me up, and taking me home, to me leaving my house to walk to his (he lives ten minutes by foot from me) at these booty call hours, walking back on my own when people are starting to get up for work, made me wonder if I was any more or less than these younger folk (not significantly younger but still) who have their fuck buddies at the very LEAST walk em to the bus stop. And on top of that, I give him the wickedest nuts! Yet I never “come” when we have sex! As someone with a lack of relationship experience, I said that there must be some things I must learn about myself, and men, and work on being a better woman to present myself as girlfriend material later on in life. I’m not saying I want it from him, I want this for myself. But maybe this involvement with him may be hindering my progress. Am I wrong for wanting to break this shit off to work on me? Or am I just being a simple bitch for not knowing what the situation is and finding an excuse to break out so I don’t look like a hoe?
I need help from a guys point, my female friends aren’t much help cause they say he wants more n probably just scared I’d reject anything he say “but” I don’t believe he does, I just think he’s an odd fuck buddy lol!
We had an on n off fb relationship for about two years, I was the only one breaking off or thing to date someone. Soon as the relationship was over I’d contact him for sex. We don’t go anywhere but he use to ask me in.the beginning but I’d say no every time, so he stopped asking. I made rules simple no kissing or making love. Well toward the end he got weird!! He became playful, kissed me, tried to kiss me during sex, oh n he got mad I was texting people while we were together. Well I stopped talking to him after that. End of that part of the story.
So 3 years pass n I find him so we can hook up again. Lol yeah yeah shouldn’t have, but he’s good at what he does lol! Anyways this time around he came over just to hang out!! ha
ok so i have known this guy since we were 11 years old,we were best friends until we went our separate ways in our 20’s.we had the odd kiss but nothing else,we recently,last year,met up after 20 years he was in a relationship that wasnt going well,we bacame instant friends again and met on several occasions,the subject of f buddies came up..we both agreed to try it,it was all going really well(he is now single) until he told me he had been on a date with someone and they had slept together…i felt totally let down and odd about the situation..he heard it in my voice and text me asking if i wanted more than F Buddies..i took a while to answer but said i did..he immediately changed towards me,saying that he wanted to be my friend and he thought thats what we were…i told him i was not going to sleep with him whilst he was dating other women,i don’t understand why he asked me what i wanted..when he was clearly going to turn me down!! he had his Ego boost ..and now we are hardly talking..he was a really good friend and now….i feel i’ve lost him…he had recently been much more affectionate towards me so i thought he felt the same…how could i have got it so wrong??
So… Ive had a f%*K buddy for 10 yrs… And im am madly inlove with him and i always have been. In the past 10 years ive had a couple of serious boyfriends and i have a kid, he has no children and none of his girlfriends have lasted long and we still see eachother whenever we want to but the thing is that im getting to that point in life to where i really want a real family and so does he because he has told me about it. But it just never seems to get serious enough to actually do something about it and whenever i try he gets all wierd about it and avoids talking about it in person. I keep gettting mixed signals from him about trying to have a real relationship and i dont know what to do :/
Be positive. I had a long distance fb and were serious bf and gf. At times I wanted to give up cuz he didn’t want a long distance relationship. But it worked..I love my man.
I need help too! I have a fwb situation & we agreed it would stay that way but I notice my feelings are growing stronger for him. The sex is absolutely amazing & I’m terrified if I tell him I want more, it will be a deal breaker & I will lose my ‘buddy’ altogether. Should I let the sleeping dog lay? We text a lot but have only slept together a few times.
Hi,
I have a FWB and we’ve been like this for 8 months and since 1st day we agreed to be just FwB.. He sees other girls and I have seen other guys but in my case, nothing else than a casual date to the movies or dinner.I stay in his apt almost every weekend..we talk everyday on the phone. I think I will back off a little bit to see if he realize if he have feelings for me or not.. I knoe I have feelings for him and hr knows it…
What if you dated the person an now are f*** buddies but because there used to be strong feelings between the two is it possible to develop a relationship again??
You are wasting your life. Go find someone that values and wants to be with you. This guy has taken 4 years of your life and distracted you from far more important issues.
Hi i am a female and i have a fwb for about 4 years maybe.
We always see each other like twice a month or three time it depends,.
Well we barely have conversations in person i think we comunicate better over fb or text msgs.
When i met him i only had one kid and he didnt have none after a few months that we stoped seeing each other, when i saw him again he told me he had a daughter it didnt bother me at all. So we ketp seeing each other maybe every week, after a while i got into a relationship and got pregnant and while pregnant and leaving woth the baby father he always ketp in touch saying that he wanted to see me and that he missed me, well after i have my baby he tried to see me but i didnt bcuz i was in a relationship but after my babydad and i split up we started seeing again then he move to ATL and he was telling me to come over to atl for the weekend and stuff but i couldnt go bcuz of my kids and money.
The day after he came back from atl he contacted me and we saw each other since then, its not every week but atleast three times a month.
My question is that why cant we get over eqch other i even asked him once if he is going to stop seeing me when ever he gets a gf and he told me IDK.
Helppp what should i do??
Seeing as there are a number of ladies here;
I met this girl through a mutual friend, she cooked me dinner, hung out a bit and next thing I know we were in her bed. Sex was amazing.
Carried on seeing her for a week or so, awesome sex nearly every night which was probably a bad idea on my part. In the end I told her that casual sex wasn’t what I was interested in and would rather pursue a relationship. She’s scared of commitment however agreed, and things went ok.
She went on holidays for 3 weeks (planned before we got together) and we texted every night. Sayin she missed me, was thinkin of coming home early because she wasn’t with me etc.
Got home from work and she had surprised me at home by wearing some sexy lingerie in my bed (she had a key to let herself in, and I had one for her place).
Over the next few weeks things got pretty quiet between us, and on the weekend she decided to tell me she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore (I still think she’s just scared of commitment). Barely spoke but saw her Xmas night (only planned on seeing her for an hour or so) where we had a bit if a talk and she went really quite. I told her to tell me what was on her mind and after some consideration and prompting to just say it (she said I probably didn’t want to hear it) she told me that she loved me. I asked if that’s what she feels then why is it that she doesn’t want the relationship side of things and she doesn’t know. She wants to do everything a couple does, spend the night, cuddles, sex, dinner together etc but doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship. I asked how she felt if I was to sleep with someone else and she said she would ask not to see me again as we could be “exclusive” fwb…
My first reaction was that i either had to have the relationship, or nothing at all and would walk away, but I care a lot about her and have told her that I loved her too. So i backed down on that and told her that it had to be an exclusive thing or nothing at all. I decided on this path because I don’t want to pressure her into a relationship but hope that she decides that’s what she wants in the end. Am I doing the right thing, or should I just walk away?
How sad that young people live in such an ugly world. Fuck Buddy? Sad. As someone said, dating used to sometimes lead to sex. Now, in a “hook-up culture,” sex sometimes leads to dating. Sex on such an impersonal, bleak basis is just shaking hands with your clothes off. Better to do without sex.
I am going through a tricky situation. I worked with the guy, and even though we planned to go out a bunch of times, we only went out 3 very casually. He asked me out to dinner and it didn’t work out. We worked together, I had been out of a relationship for 4 months, and he hasn’t dated in over 3 years due to a bad break up. We have been seeing each other every week or every other week but it is strictly sex. We make small talk, and have gotten to know little about our lives, but not enough about ourselves. I feel like there was potential on the two of us becoming something, but I ruined it by giving it up too easily. The sex is so-so, which makes me wonder why we are still in it (We are both very attractive, just hold back in many ways I think). Is there any chance of things happening? I’m not even sure on how to bring up the idea as we have absolutely no lines/rules/restrictions to this whole arrangement… Thanks!