We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.
Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been in an “arrangement” style non-relationship with a dude for nearly a year (I say “arrangement” as I loathe the terms “fuck buddy” or “booty call,” but yes, they are one and the same). We have both seen other people over the course of this time, and it’s never been a big deal, we just see one another when the mood strikes, on a non-regular basis (sometimes once a month, sometimes every 90 days, just depending on our personal relationships at the time).
I don’t know if it’s the lack of other personal relationships of late, or what, but I have recently decided that I wouldn’t mind dating the fella for real, but don’t want to broach the subject for fear I’ll lose the best smoke signal I’ve ever had (again, a substitute for the awful butt buddy title)! I am nearly 100% positive that he’s not interested in more, otherwise I feel he would have made a move or a comment by now (thank you so much, mildly worn copy of He’s Just Not That Into You).
Also, I feel there’s a definite double standard involved here (or perhaps it’s just my paranoia): if a man develops feelings for his female casual sex partner, and the woman is interested, she doesn’t think twice about taking it to the next level. However, if the female develops feelings, the man suddenly has a “she’s tarnished and I could never take an easy broad like her home to Mom” epiphany. I guess what I’m really asking, with no true agenda, just a general wondering is…
How big is the obstacle of going from AssFriend to Girlfriend and is it even truly possible??
— Nookie Monster
What do you think of Nookie Monster’s question? Leave your opinion in the comments section below.
I’ve been hooking up with this guy for 3 years… Originally strictly friends with benefits … On an off I have had only a couple different men in my life and and when I have had other men in my life I made it clear to him I was In a relationship. He was happy for me, however the relationships didn’t last because I wasn’t happy with the men I was seeing. We have continued sleeping with each other on an off over the course of 3 years. The sex is out of this water and he pleases me in ways I never thought were possible. He is 6 years older than me and Our sex has turned intimate … Passionate …. He even texted me this week and asked me how my week was going… Not sure if he is just trying to be polite ? The past two times he has told me he wants to fill my pussy with cum… He has never said this to me before. We have unprotected sex as it is… I can only imagine what it would be like to leave with his cum inside me. It turns me on so much thinking about it. So we have selected back and fourth and I told him I wanted him to cum in me and he said he deff will…. So it wasn’t just in the moment he still would not mind releasing his sperm into me… I’m 22 and he’s 28.
I think I may love this guy… Our sexual connection is like no other. The chemistry is just underscribable . He knows my friends I’ve met his casually as he used to have roommates we have chilled and smoke bud and watched movies … Gotten drunk together and have had some epic drunk sex. He kissed my forehead and my cheek and pleases me in a way it feels like he is seriously trying to.
Not just just because he want to get me out of the way so he can get off. We have sex for hours… I’m still in college and he has a full time job. I was working full time until I went back to school to finish up. We have seen each other 2 times this month and 1 time last month and the sex was more mind blowing than ever…. I feel as if I have become some sexually involved with him my mind is attracted to him simply because we connect so well sexually. I have hooked up with other guys in my 22 years but never had continuously slept with the same guy for this long and not been in a committed relationship… I’ve wonders if he is going to tell me one day he just can’t sleep with me any more or how our intimate relationship will end … Or if he feels what I feel and doesn’t want it to… I’m so conflicted any opinions ? He wants to cum in me … And has never asked or wanted to before but has finally brought it up. I want to feel closer to him and I want him to cum in me as well…. But the time this has been going on for has been so long. The sex doesn’t feel so casual anymore it feels emotional and our sex has formed a certain type of bond between one another and I don’t know how to let that go…. Nor I’m not sure if he wants to and hopes I end up pregnant in spite of it all.
Please comment what you think he may be thinking or what you think his intentions may be if you think he has any….
See I’m on the same page as her I’m having casual sex with my coworker and it’s been going in for almost a year but he said he’s no ready for a relationship because he just got a divorce around 2 yrs now but I told him that I have feelings gs for him so he know how I feel about him. But yet we co tone to keep having sex now we said that we would only stop with each other if one of us finds a new partner to gave sex with thus said we are only having Sex with each other. Now the last time we had sex he nutted inside me for the first time and if your wondering no I’m not pregnant but now I’m confused can someone tell me if that means anything is he starting to have feelings or is this just normal ?
I met this guy at a bar four weeks ago . I slept with him on the first night and was ok to only see him as a one night stand. He then took my number and texted and called everyday we spend the week together going to movies and supper and he asked me to sleep over at his place we then ended ups seeing each other the entire week. But on the weekend he disappeared. I was a bit suspicious and asked him where he was and he told me upfront that he is in a relationship, I was furious and told him if told me this the first night I met him I would have just had a one night stand , but now he spend the entire week with me and made me believe that he wanted me as a girlfriend but disappeared the weekend to with his girlfriend. I immediately stopped taking his calls and did not want to see him any longer , he phoned and begged and asked me to meet with him .He send me a text message saying that he is in a relationship with this girl and cant just break up with her cause there is feelings involved but he loves who I am and likes being with me. He then send a message asking if we can be friends and he want to make up for hurting me by taking me to movies and supper. I met with him and played it cool as if I didn’t care about him and he was very deep in his conversations about how me not talking with him for a week made him relations how he has fallen for me . We had dinner and went to movies also hanged out at his favorite bar playing pool. We ended up seeing each other everyday same as before , cause I agreed to the friend’s with benefits idea as I thought I could handle it. We together every night (weekdays) Monday to Saturday mornings and on Saturday and Sunday’s he disappears to the girlfriend and on holidays he go to his mother in Port Elisabeth the without his girlfriend. On weekends and holidays he doesn’t text or calls me. But during the week he text and call and make all sort of plans to take me out for dinners, theatre, movies we do fun stuff during the week but on weekends he disappears. When we hook up during the week I don’t ask him where he’s been but he will hint and tell me he’s activities I also don’t tell him what I’ve been up to and he will ask me indirectly but I never give him a complete answer as I want him to think I’m also seeing someone on weekends. He is looking for a place to live and asked if he can rent an apartment in my area or complex. He is saying all the right things , he is everything I want in a man ( personality and character ) but he is a man who has trouble with commitments) I also know this because of because of what I’ve learned form his past. But he will also spend nights with me not having sex and he enjoys caressing me and cudgeling , there would be night when I make excuses not to see him but he would beg to come over and say things like he cant sleep without having me near. He disappears on weekends and never calls or answers his phone but he gets depressed and sad when I disappear for a few days and don’t answer my calls. i sometime give him some of his own medicine hoping he will make up his mind about what he wants with me. we have now been seeing each other for 4 weeks and I’m scared cause him falling for him , we communicate allot about everything but i never talk about my feelings and he tells me he is falling for me but often said “he is scared of me” , he also once said that I seem like the person who he can fall in love with and then i leave him . What do I do as it seemed like we both scared of being hurt but I’m even more scared that he has this all figured out and he’s playing me and I’m the one who’s been taken for a ride. I’ve had booty calls and one nights stands before but nothing so close to the real relationship like this. He says and does all the right things when with me and he is completely honest about what he does and his relationship with this other girl but made it clear that he is having trouble with her and he likes being with me. So what do I do for me not to get hurt by this guy cause he tells me he doesn’t want to loose me and on the other hand he’s still seeing the other woman. I also don’t sit and wait for him on weekends I flirt and see other guys , I go out clubbing and he seemed jealous when he knows that and he also seemed jealous about the caliber of men he knows is after me . I have professional job and earn more than him , my lifestyle and living is extravagant “according to him”. He also hint one day that he cant match up to the kind of guys I use to date or the guys that he heard is interested in me. But I like him for his personality , his character and how he treats me when I’m with him and the respect he shows me.
Honestly coming from a man who has done this to women… he is playing you for his own enjoyment. I don’t want to be mean but merely honest. If a man likes you and truly wants to be with you he will do everything you make it happen. Honest but true. Best of luck
Ummmm point blank you are stupid. He would have broken up with the other woman by now, if he really wanted you . You are easy and gullible… and you want a man soooo bad that you are willing to sleep with a man who belongs to someone else and who would probably not make you his girl even if they do break up
At a guess…id say hes not just in a relationship with this other femalw bit hea living woth her and tells her hea working away..i mean, yoir stressing about not hwaeing from him over the weekend so how do you think this other female feels after a whole week when hes with you? Who in theie right mind would put up with that? She either doesn’t exist, or he’s telling her hes working away. Bet hes nowhere to live if he ends it. Him hinting at moving near to you is most likely him hoping you’ll be foolish enough to suggest he moves in with you. Dont get attached any more. Get a million miles away!
I’ve had this arrangement for about 8 months with this guy, in the beginning it was twice a month or would be a day after the next during weekends only.. We usually do the meeting after we both get home from a party so drunk wanting each other. We kept it very casual from no small talks just straight to business. I and him have been going on dates with other people, but me nd him have never been on a date or anything outside of bed (which is understandable being the arrangement) we slowly started seeing each other once a month. But i’ve changed my ways of wanting a relationship in general not specifically with him, and been going to parties less, therefore when we do an encounter with each other, i’ve been very sober. The two last times have been very different from the rest of the times, he asks me personal questions, about myself, family and bestfriend. As well as we’ve been talking about what we want in a relationship when we find some one, he then told me i’m his type, miss perfect, how he likes everything about me and started to name each thing, then once again mentioned how when i find some one to let him know, rather then to flee without any warning. Afterwards he txted me that same day while i was at work asking how my day was going and thanking me for a “perfect moment this morning” i responded by saying something more casual and flirty. This last time i met with him, was afternoon because he was very insisting, we went straight to the point but our talks became deeper from dates to relationships and to marriage, i then realized we are both looking for the same things in life… he then told me how after the last time we’ve seen each other he hasn’t slept with any one else, and added “i don’t know why i’m telling you this..you obviously don’t care” i then told him it’s been a month and he said no its been two months, i corrected him and told him the exact date being only a month. When we cuddle we fall asleep in each others arms, and he plays footsie with me and doesn’t let me go and kisses my head while we’re asleep. He then told me how he hasn’t had this with any girl before (an arrangement like this and it lasting this long) he continued asking me my likes (movies, food, entertainment like museums etc) we then continued into showing each other pictures of our siblings and things that matter to us and he showed me a baby picture of himself. I’ve been wondering since i left what is this? my friends tell me he likes me and should give it a shot instead of going on several dates with guys that it isn’t working with. But i feel like it also isn’t right because it’s mixed signals he says one thing then mentions when he finds a girlfriend etc. I don’t know whether to stop this arrangement before i develop feelings? or if i’m over analyzing this. If he actually likes me or not. (We also have a 7 years age difference) I need advice!
Girl this sounds like my situation see he gives me mixed signals to and I’m really confused about this whole thing we got going on I’ve asked guys about it and response I get back is leave him he’s playing with you he just don’t want to see you with no one bUT he wants you to just be with him only idk what to do besides the Sex is great
I don’t think he is sending mixed signals at all, if he really liked you and wanted you , why would he have you thinking that he is going to find “a girlfriend” I think that is his way of letting you know that he is not considering you …. why else would he say that… the best thing to do is to ask him if he mentions that again
I read basically all the comments over here and I’m more confused. I have been in a fuck buddy relationship for 3 years now. In the begging it was more regular, what I mean is that we used to see each other and text more often. After that we argued and we didn’t talk like for months. After that we met again we cleared things, he told me that he couldn’t offer me anything more than sex. I refused in the beging but as I thought I had fall in love Iaccepted. After a while he got in a real relationship and I did the same, but he kept on texting me. When I broke up with my bf I called him and we met again. After that we didn’t see each other for 5 months. Till one day I couldn’t wait any more and texted him. We arranged it to meet and since than we see each other once per month. Meanwhile I tried to get in an other relationship, but it didn’t work so I kept on seeing the first guy. I used to think that I was madly in love, but now I think that I do love him, but he maybe not the man of my life even though Ican’t stop seeing him. What I really wan to know is what do you think about him? I mean guys don’t usually stay for such a long time with a girl even if it is a fuck buddy thing. I need some opinions ..
Its funny seeing all these responses- honestly the whole situation of fb/ emotions/ confusion is enough to turn anyone mental. I’ve just recently removed myself from a confusing fb/ casual/ situation as I found the whole thing incredibly draining emotionally.
My problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted relationship wise- also it started out purely physical, then more fwb, then things got kinda awkward and we settled on friendship ( in other words platonic) Trying to define what it was in the end was tricky- mainly because the whole rules of casual dating and sex is so clear these days that my situation didn’t really fit into any of the three types of scenarios.
Has anyone ever been in the situation where casual no strings attached sex, migrates to friendship? Interested to see someonelses take on it from a guys perspective.
As far as advice for everyone else here- lay the ground rules down early and don’t be afraid to speak up about what u want and if u have no idea of what ur after- don’t go there 🙂
I’ve been hooking up with this guy for 3 years… Originally strictly friends with benefits … On an off I have had only a couple different men in my life and and when I have had other men in my life I made it clear to him I was In a relationship. He was happy for me, however the relationships didn’t last because I wasn’t happy with the men I was seeing. We have continued sleeping with each other on an off over the course of 3 years. The sex is out of this water and he pleases me in ways I never thought were possible. He is 6 years older than me and Our sex has turned intimate … Passionate …. He even texted me this week and asked me how my week was going… Not sure if he is just trying to be polite ? The past two times he has told me he wants to fill my pussy with cum… He has never said this to me before. We have unprotected sex as it is… I can only imagine what it would be like to leave with his cum inside me. It turns me on so much thinking about it. So we have selected back and fourth and I told him I wanted him to cum in me and he said he deff will…. So it wasn’t just in the moment he still would not mind releasing his sperm into me… I’m 22 and he’s 28.
I think I may love this guy… Our sexual connection is like no other. The chemistry is just underscribable . He knows my friends I’ve met his casually as he used to have roommates we have chilled and smoke bud and watched movies … Gotten drunk together and have had some epic drunk sex. He kissed my forehead and my cheek and pleases me in a way it feels like he is seriously trying to.
Not just just because he want to get me out of the way so he can get off. We have sex for hours… I’m still in college and he has a full time job. I was working full time until I went back to school to finish up. We have seen each other 2 times this month and 1 time last month and the sex was more mind blowing than ever…. I feel as if I have become some sexually involved with him my mind is attracted to him simply because we connect so well sexually. I have hooked up with other guys in my 22 years but never had continuously slept with the same guy for this long and not been in a committed relationship… I’ve wonders if he is going to tell me one day he just can’t sleep with me any more or how our intimate relationship will end … Or if he feels what I feel and doesn’t want it to… I’m so conflicted any opinions ? He wants to cum in me … And has never asked or wanted to before but has finally brought it up. I want to feel closer to him and I want him to cum in me as well…. But the time this has been going on for has been so long. The sex doesn’t feel so casual anymore it feels emotional and our sex has formed a certain type of bond between one another and I don’t know how to let that go…. Nor I’m not sure if he wants to and hopes I end up pregnant in spite of it all.
Please comment what you think he may be thinking or what you think his intentions may be if you think he has any….
So I’ve been hooking up with a guy I slept with 3 times when we met ok holiday.
Since we got back the sex is great and his the one messaging me and I know it’s only sex. But is there a chance he would ever see me as something more or should I accept that I’m just an exclusive fwb?
I really fancy him but I’m not sure what he thinks of me.
I think it can turn into something more. When dating your expecting or hoping for it to turn into a long term relationship. When its just a hook up your not really expecting more than that. So I think its possible for it turn into something more if your both into it turning into something more if it comes to that point. Hell you already know by than if your compatible sexually. Personally I hate putting so much time in a so-called relationship & to find out we are definitely not compatible sexual. Than I just get bored.
**Help**** ok long story but I really need help! I have been really good friends with this guy for 7 years we have always had a great friendship! The past 2 years we have been texting and hanging out all the time while the past year I got divorced! So after separating from my husband. This guy was always there for me for advice and just someone I could talk to. I was starting to think that maybe we could have something since we have so many things in common. We both enjoy music together we both sing and record ect. He can finish my sentences and can know what I am thinking or feeling! One night after work we went to a early breakfast and we kissed! He said I know you are in love with me, I played shy and acted as if I wasn’t but he knew!!! Well we kinda messed around in the car and ending our night with a awkward kiss! The next day I thought oh no this is goin to be weird but it wasn’t! He asked if he could kiss me again! We were hanging out after that like 4-5 days out of the week! We always have such a good time together. He always used to say before anything happen that I was his kindred spirit!!
After messing around a few times, he wanted to have sex with me, I told him that I am not like that and he should know that by now! I told him I wouldn’t have sex unless I was in a commented relationship since at that point I had only been with 2 people in my life! He agreed and understood and that was as far as we went oral play and kissing, holding hand ect! After a few months of all that he went out of town for work for a month calling me 2 times and texting a million times a day! He would call to make sure I don’t forget about him and tell me that he misses me ect. Oh by the way he had a 2 girls that he had been seeing for a 6 months prior to me messing around with! He told me when we were strictly friends that try we’re pretty much booty calls! So anyways after him being gone out of town for a month he the day he got back we meet up at the bar and I listened to him and his band play. I went home and he text me! I ended up inviting him to my house for a movie at midnight! We ended up falling asleep on the coutch and then I woke up and went to my bed! He followed right behind! We ended up having sex that night and it was really good! He left at 5am because his dad knew he would have been with me! The next day he texts me and tells me he is leaving in 3 days and will be gone out of state for 5 months!! I was so upset that he was leaving right when our irons were warming up with the band and us! I called him to my house and he promised me he wouldn’t be seeing his long distance booty call anymore and I just wanted to know if we were GF BF thing or what it was! And if it meant anything to him or if I now was one of his booty call girls! He said he knew why I called him over and that it meant more to him and It wasn’t just a F** he said he would have ran from my call if it was. He reassured me that everything would work out, and that he doesn’t want a girlfriend at this time because he is leaving! He said that he doesn’t want to lead me on but that might change when he comes home! He does have the reputation of breaking hearts and I knew that before I did anything with him. All my friends say he is going to break me into pieces but in the back of my mind I know what a great friend he is! And when he used to be married he was such a great husband! Oh and one of his booty call girls thinks that they are boyfriend and girl friends! I asked him about it and he says that he doesn’t have a girlfriend ad still has no intuitions of having one! This was kinda hard to ear since he has been gone 2 months and texting at least every other day! One day he told me that he kinda wished he didn’t leave but needed to wonder right now while he still can!! I asked him what he meant and he said you never know what will happen! I also told him if he doesn’t want a girlfriend he needs to let me go! And not to drag me along. He replied and sayed he can’t let me go! I asked why! He said because he can’t! I told him I don’t want him to let me go either and does that mean you want to give us a chance! His reply was damn put me on the spot! And all I said was guess that’s my answer!! 🙁
Also this guy is afraid to be broken hearted and has had some really messed up ex wife’s!! I know that’s part of his problem
We still are texting everyday or every other day! Oh and the long distance Girl is gone totally done!
Should I let him go? Should I see how it is when he comes back?
Oh and the booty call girl I see once a week were we work and it is weird when all three of us are in the same room! She has to know about me!!
Please help what should I do?
^cut him off. He’s not giving you what you need, and continuing to see him (and fuck him) will heighten your expectations and get you more emotionally involved. Don’t worry about “not being good enough for him,” that’s hogwash. Cut your losses and move on, do what’s best for you. He is telling you clearly what he wants, and whatever his reasons behind it are, they’re not anything you need to be concerned about. You need to be concerned with what YOU want, and if you want something more serious or a relationship, find a guy who will give you that, and value you for more than just your blow jobs.
I first met the man who will become my FB in 2010, when I first sat behind him in a class I was taking at a community college. We talked a little bit since we had to work in groups. I thought him handsome and funny. I again met him a year after in another class, and it was not until the end of the semester that he decided to sit next to me instead. He was being friendly, I guess. And then on the day of out finals, I went to school an hour early, and I ran into him in the parking lot. I told him I was going to get some last minute study done, and he said he was going to nap, but I guess since he wanted to be around me instead, he joined me. Of course I didn’t get any studying done because he was asking me whether I had children, a husband, etc. And I was shocked. I’ve never really been asked these questions before. And I told him that no to all of that, that I never had a bf at all, that I was still a virgin. Then he asked me… If I wanted to give him head. And I was so speechless that I never answered his question. So we went to class, I did my final right next to him, and left. I felt stupid. And I was thinking maybe I should’ve said yes. Anyway, I thought that was the last I saw him because he said he was graduating that semester…
But a year later, I was walking to class one day, and there he was walking towards me! At first I wasn’t sure, but then I was certain. Our eyes locked, just like the other times when we ran into each other the year before and the year before that. And even when we walked passed each other, when I turned around to have another good look at him, his head turned looking at me. It was then a couple of weeks later, that righ after I was walking up the stairs, I turned and ran straight into him. This time we actually talked. And I was so nervous. But he had to go back to work, so he gave me his number.
Well, after mulling over whether to talk to him, I took the plunge and called him. We talked about classes and such. Until he changed the subject about bjs. And I thought, “Why not? I want to give it a try, since I never gave head before.” And at the time, I was 24. And I had no sexual experience whatsoever. Not even a kiss because I was so sheltered and used to be religious.
So we met up. I gave my first bj. Then we kept seeing other but nothing like dates. I just meet him in his car, and we would do it in the parking lot. And it was frequent, about every week or other week. Then it became less so after that. A couple times at his place.
Now, it had been over a year since we’ve been meeting like this. And I believe it was about thrice he told me has no room on his life for a girlfriend because he’s working two jobs and going to school. And earlier this year it was right after we did it, he was straightforward and said that we were not boyfriend/girlfriend.
When I started seeing him, I was so okay that this won’t lead to anything. I had no expectations, and I didn’t even hope that this will become a relationship. But them I became confused because I realised I do want something with him, but I don’t think I’m good enough for him. But I am pretty sure that he is dead set on never having a relationship with me but I find it hard to just go. Because I do care about him and I love seeing him. But he just seems not interested. So now that I am at the point that I want a proper relationship, I am determined to end it with him the next time I see him. It is only going to get even harder the longer I wait. But I am afraid that I won’t follow through and just end up running away and ignoring the problem.
Okay so how do I word this exactly? “So…would you ever consider dating me?” (expect awkward silence).
@Megan Wilson- I will keep you in my prayers. I have been in a few unhealthy relationships ( verbally abusive,etc) n we all live N learn. Megan I suggest u read a book titled ” Why man marry bitches” also remember . As women we DONT need a man.
In my 20s I would jump from one relationship 2 the next never really taking time to be single. I have learned that being single is AWESOME !! so much freedom n no one to check in with.
If I may make a suggestion 4 all the girls/or guys that settled as FB( n I have done that also) I recommend to work on your self esteem n confidence . Respect starts with the individual. Love yourself N respect yourself N others will follow.
For a long time I struggled with that UNTIL I graduated w my MBA got a great job n started making good money. So for Megan and ALL the other girls that made the mistake of settling and letting guys walk all over them . Take a stand , believe in yourself and SAY NO.
Maybe he ll walk away so what??? there s so many guys OUT there , I m sure u ll find someone BETTER !
Keep ur head up n keep going !
Hi,
i had feelings for him for a while and finally became his fuck buddy not long ago…i honestly believe we have chemistry…sometimes he seems to cherish me…on an impulse i told him we should try sth new on valentines day…but he said sorry, i dont think this relationship will last long, i wanted to cry but i simply smiled and said it is probably for the best. Did he mean it?
Or is it because he is my brothers friend?
Or is it because i ask him about other girls he is interested in and i talk about other guys?
What should i do?i am smitten.
Hey everyone,
FB are awful but they’re all I know. Guys never take me seriously and treat me like a whore I hate it but I have a lot of issues. We deserve better than guys trying to just use us like urinals only to relieve themselves and toss aside when they’re done. Someone please pray for me I really need help getting my life back together. I hate the way guys treat me. They have no respect for me. It’s just depressing. I’ve had soooo many friends with benefits and one night standst. I just wish I could either die from the shame and guilt or help myself get my shit together. I don’t know why I am like this….I was bullied when I was younger and I didn’t really have a dad growing up. Have trouble making friends. Please guys pray for me that I either die or get help. I can’t afford therapy. I would give anything to be normal. I just want to be fixed of this problem.