Your Call – I Sent Flirty Texts to Other Women and GF Left Me
Dear Em & Lo
My girlfriend of nine years just took off with our three kids to her mom’s. She caught me texting another girl — this is the fourth time. All the girls were friends from out of state. As we text more, we got a lil flirty and that’s when my ex would step in. I never intended on physically cheating. I just would talk to other girls for advice on my relationship ,but it went further. I realize I made many mistakes but she is the love of my life and the mother of my children. What do I do? She is so mad at me.
— Two-Timing Texter
What should Texter do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.
That is the problem with men. The are sneaky no good liars! Typical, you get caught and stop for a while but you always go back to the same stupid shit. How would you feel if the circumstances were reversed? Would you mind if she was carrying on with other guys? You should be ashamed of yourself.
You’ve created an insecurity in your girlfriend concerning your emotional fidelity and specifically those other women. First step, apologize. I don’t mean an “I’m sorry.” I mean the kind of apology your parents would demand of you with all the explanations of why you’re sorry and exactly what all you’re apologizing for. Your mate needs to know that YOU KNOW that this isn’t a simple issue (if it was she wouldn’t have taken the kids, so you need to treat this just as seriously as she is or she won’t take you seriously). Then you need to SHOW her with your actions that you have ceased this behavior, i.e. ending all contact with these women who obviously don’t respect your relationship or else they would have stopped the flirty/sexual texts and dubbed you a creep. At this point you need to bear in mind that your words have little to no meaning to her since you have been showing her that you’re willing to say one thing and still do another. YOU have proven yourself untrustworthy with your ACTIONS so you have to use actions prove your intentions and feelings to her. Don’t expect anything to get better overnight. You destroyed a trust that took years to build, expect the re-building process to take awhile, and don’t resent her for it in the meantime.
Lastly, remember that just as time is relative to velocity, so is healing to each individual.
I have to say she was justified in leaving if she asked you three times to stop and then you did it again! The problem is that you failed to respect her feelings, appropriate boundaries in your relationships with other women, and overall you failed to value your family over your female friends. I agree that if you want to be with her you have to show her that you will never, ever do that again. A good start would be to stop communicating with the friends that you can’t resist crossing the line with. Completely stop talking to them. No texts, emails, no communication. Show her you deleted all their contacts and told them that you could no longer be friends. Then stick to it. Listen to her, if she will talk to you. Go be an excellent father to your children. Prove that your girlfriend and your children are the most important people in your lives. And next time something makes her uncomfortable or angry don’t do it again.
First thought — what a doink! Second thought — where are you finding these “friends?” Third thought — why are you spending time flirting with other women when you’ve GOT a woman who might love a flirty word now and then. I feel awfully sorry for the kids.
Whoa, I missed something there. She took the kids!? That is in fact serious.
You do things that get her leave-you pissed off and get busted 4 TIMES!?!? She takes your kids away from you over some flirty-but-not-sexual texts? You sound like a very drama-prone pair. My sixth sense is telling me you’re both pieces of work.
No partner likes when you consult an opposite-sex friend about relationship stuff, especially if that friend comes off critically of the relationship/significant other.
That said…
1. Why don’t you delete your texts, especially having been busted 4 times? Did you subconsciously WANT to get busted?
2. What is she doing looking through your texts? That justifies a little counter-ire from you, in my book.
3. She has you by the balls and she knows it. You really going to let her send you to the dog house like that? It was rude of you, but not relationship-wreckingly so. Stop taking this so seriously. It’ll blow over.
Sounds like compulsive behavior for him. She was right to leave him, and it’s probably irreparable, but I don’t know if it’s enough of a consequence for him to change. After all, he can find another girlfriend, act douchey to her, then find another, etc. He can grab the bull by the horns at any time to try to change his behavior. “How can I get my GF back?” is the wrong question to ask. “How can I change my behavior?” is the ticket. Maybe with cognitive-behavioral therapy(CBT)?
Dude, I hate to be harsh, but you screwed up bad. And I’m kind of shocked she let you screw up 4 times. I’d definitely say talk it out with her, but you need to make sure you understand you are in the wrong. I do hope you guys are able to work it somehow, but you have got to make sure you learn from past mistakes.
You know the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four or more times, shame on me?” *Four* times? Really? And at no point in that series of flirtations, with your girlfriend registering her displeasure, did it occur to you that it might not kindest or smartest course of action? No “Danger, Will Robinson!” moments? In that case, it’s hard to conclude anything other than her actions are justifiable. It’s also difficult to avoid the impression that you are idiotic, insensitive or both. My condolences to your ex. Vaya con Dios, bro.
I get the feeling that your texting wasn’t as harmless as you say, but regardless, asking other women–particularly women you don’t know well, particularly women she doesn’t know at all, particularly women you find attractive–for advice on your current relationship is IDIOTIC. If you need advice, communicating with your partner is the best way to get it. Nobody but you and your partner can offer real, personalized insight into the relationship; anything else you get is likely to be generalized and, in a word, crap. You may not have done anything physical with another woman, but you betrayed your partner emotionally and psychologically. My best advice to you is to suck it up, because you deserve it.
Accept that you fucked up beyond repair, pay your child support, and get on with your life, a la Jesse James. Repeated fuckups, well…I wouldn’t advise her to take you back at all after that, and I suspect she doesn’t mean as much to you as you claim if you keep on doing this stuff. Maybe committed relationships are just not your bag.
That should be your girlfriend*
And I want to clarify that the texting/talking with other girls is fine as long as it is kept within friendship lines and includes appropriate conversation. Asking for advice is also fine, as long as it’s not an all-the-time thing and you’re not spilling intimate details about your relationship or using that as an excuse to flirt with other women.
Yeah, if you’re serious about her being the love of her life and wanting to be with her you need to show her. Texting and talking to other girls is fine; I even think flirting on occasion is ok if you’re trying to spice things up a little but then take that sexual energy/confidence boost back to your partner. You don’t really give enough details to really know what the whole situation is, but if you’re girlfriend’s pissed I’m going to assume the texting crossed the line. Was it happening at every free chance you got? Did you hide your phone from her? Then those are signs you were doing something wrong. If you want your girlfriend back, I suggest apologizing, speaking to those women and explaining that you made a mistake and can only be friends with them, and then devote your time and energy into fixing your relationship and proving yourself rather than asking for advice from other females.
If you’re looking to other women for relationship advice, and then taking it too far, it might be a clue that something’s wrong that goes deeper than a few flirty texts. If you have relationship questions–and here’s a big surprise–talk to your partner about it. Other women should not be a part of that equation. Period. Communicate with the “love of your life,” and don’t let yourself get distracted by outside attention. Truly, emotional infidelity can be a lot more damaging than just physical sometimes so the fact that you never planned to sleep with anyone isn’t really the issue. Obviously, emotional fidelity is a big priority to your partner, and if you can’t provide that to her, then…well, maybe you two aren’t right for each other.
Ehmm…repent? I’m sorry, but if you committed the same mistake 4 times…maybe losing her is what it takes for you to wake up and smell the coffee. I guess all you can do now is show her how deeply sorry you are in every possible way and hope she relents. Don’t promise her a changed man if you can’t live up to it, though.