3/2/10
How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.

So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.

— The 26-Year-Old Virgin

What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:



259 Comments

  1. I just started dating a girl and mind you i am 21 and she is 19. I’m her first actual bf. She was in 2 other talking type of deals but neither of those worked out to get to the bf stage. So being that I’m the first she is inexperienced in most things. Which is understandable and makes sense as to why she’s a Virgin. However she did ask if i was willing to wait till marriage. (Because her mom told her too wait until then or to get engaged) . Now i don’t mind waiting for or whatever but waiting till marriage at this stage in my life is kinda a long shot …. I’m currently a sophomore in college and she just started her first year. So i have at least 2 more years and then another 2 1/2 or so to get myself established and financially stable before i even start thinking about anything along those lines. So roughly I’m gonna say 5-6 years to wait on someone . I don’t know if that’s extremely long for sum or if it’s just me. Being that I’m not a Virgin now i can understand how it’s easy for a Virgin to wait and not really understand how they’re significant other may feel truly because they haven’t experienced sex and don’t really know what the other is going through. Don’t get me wrong it’s not some tragic story or hurtful process of waiting but for some it can be rough. And i also feel as though if your are waiting for marriage , what happens if the sex isn’t good, what happens if you guys don’t measure up at that point, is it cause you “love each other” that you’ll work around that or will it become an unforeseen outcome of waiting that now could potentially cause problems because now this can harm your possibilities of starting a family . These are the things i think of because how can you truly love and say that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you haven’t truly figured them out and experienced that person . And that’s not to say sleep around or anything.. but if you really think that this person might be the one … then why shouldn’t you get to know everything about them

  2. Hey, I know this post is 6 years old and all, but if you or anyone else finds this:
    I’ve been with my virgin girlfriend (whom I absolutely love more than anything (hopefully that isn’t my downfall) for a year and a half now. And I have only one piece of advice for women that want to hold on to their virginity for a while, while keeping the relationship running smoothly; Don’t Be Afraid Of Intimacy! Remember, Intimacy isn’t just sex, its hand-holding, kissing and making out, hugs, naps and if you are up for it, sleeping next to each other for the night. If you want to try to keep a long-term relationship and your virginity (until you want to lose it) then you have to show some effort at intimacy. If a guy makes you uncomfortable tell him loud and clear where the line he can’t cross yet. If anyone comes across this, I wish you the best of luck! Wish me some too, I need it.

  3. I waited until I met my future wife. I wish I had not. I missed out on a lot of great sex.
    you might think I am wrong, but to me, ‘sex is the best thing sense sliced bread”.
    Wish I had stated by at the latest 16.

  4. I think it’s good in a way because you find out who really cares about you for you and isn’t trying to get something from you – maybe say it straight up, or on your profile if you do the online dating thing? fuck shaving your legs for heartbreakers!

  5. It really depends on whether the guy you’re with shares similar view or is at least understanding. If a guy was serious about you (as in committed to pursuing a relationship with the intent of one day becoming married and thus spending the rest of his life with you) I can’t see why he’d have any trouble waiting.

    I happen to be a guy who is also waiting for the right girl. I’ve had plenty of opportunities but I turned them down every time both out of respect to whomever I end up with and in the hope that this girl will have extended me the same courtesy. In all honesty I wish more girls were like you but in any case don’t be too concerned about making a guy wait. You don’t owe him anything but honesty 🙂

    1. Hello Michael! This is a very old post and you may be married or maybe in a serious committed relationship but if not depending on how old you are my daughter is a virgin saving herself for marriage. So far she has not had any real successful relationships because of her values. Guys only want sex theses days so to read your comment I was impressed.

  6. I was 18 when I lost my virginity, and at the time I thought I had waited too long. I was ridiculed constantly in high school, actually had my sexuality questioned, because “what straight girl graduates high school a virgin?” Well I did, and let me tell you, the world didnt end and the sky didnt fall. Although I had dated and really liked the guy I did end up losing my virginity too, I wish I had been a little older. 18 is so damn young, and at the time, I thought there was something wrong with me. Ridiculous

  7. @Jen:

    Sex may not be a big deal for you, but it is for some and there’s nothing wrong with waiting until one finds the right person to have that experience. Just giving it away to someone simply because people like you think being a virgin past high school age is weird doesn’t sound like a good way to enjoy sex, as you’re completely ignoring the fact that everyone goes at their own pace. Also, you don’t need to have sex to enjoy being a woman. That’s pretty much saying that you’re not a real woman if you’re not sexually active. Utter nonsense.

    @ Alfric McGlinhey:

    So? Is sex only for the young? Age shouldn’t be a factor in when to decide to have sex if you’re not doing it purely for procreative reasons.

    Most of the comments here are disappointing and lack insight. Again, I repeat, age should not be a factor in when you decide to have sex. Yes, it’s absolutely true that it poses a problem once you remain a virgin past a certain age due to everyone expecting everyone else to be experienced and be willing to do it at the drop of a hat, but is the proposed alternative to just do it and get it over with regardless of whether one is ready or not really a healthy attitude towards sex? You’re encouraging the person to look at sex as some annoying chore or something they must barter with in exchange for love. That’s basically setting up the person to have a jaded view about sex. They’re not holding out for unreasonable expectations, like a perfect man or waiting until marriage (which is usually a bad idea), nor did they state that it has to be a lifelong soulmate. They’re just waiting for the right person to come along, whomever that may be. And sex would be much enjoyable with that person they’re ready for than to do out of a sense of obligation because they have a sell-by date that people such as yourselves have imposed upon them. Like I said, everyone has their own pace. There is no “wrong” age to start having sex (barring children of course), and it’s silly to claim otherwise. There’s more to life than acquiring years of sexual experience under one’s belt just for the sake of not being thought of as a loser by narrow-minded people. Especially when as a woman it’s a double edged sword. You’re either a slut or a prude. People just can’t seem to respect other people’s choices.

    1. Waiting until marriage to have sex is NEVER a bad idea. It saves you and your future spouse the complications of being sexually active with multiple people. I am 17 and a virgin. I am going to wait until marriage. My boyfriend respects my decision to wait. He doesn’t pressure me into it at all, and even helps me stay chaste. Virginity is a gift you only have once. It is one of.the thongs you can never get back. So you have a right to protect it and decide on your own when and who you will give it to. Its special. Why waste God’s gift?

  8. my boyfriend and I is dating 1 year and a month now. And we BOTH are still virgin (i’m his first girlfriend) we don’t talk too much about sex but we are happy and contented of what our relationship is going. He’s not the only one waiting, I am also we are waiting for the right time. 🙂

  9. I am so saddened to see that everyone would rather take the easier route. My husband and I dated for 2 1/2 years and saved ourselves for our wedding night. Best decision we ever made! It was so exciting and thrilling to have that to look forward to. Being “controlling” because you don’t want to have sex is the biggest crapload I have ever heard. Sorry, but it’s true. Any man who pressures you into what you aren’t ready for is immature, and NOT worthy. Women need to have high self confidence to know that they are WORTHY and VALUED, and NO man can ever make you feel that way. Case in point-never let anyone pressure you to do what you don’t want to do. Waiting for your first time with your husband is the most fulfilling, exciting experience EVER!

  10. You’re 26? And you’re still not ready? Your youth is disappearing right before your eyes. You are at your most beautiful and alive right now. Celebrate that with the man who desires you. It’s a wonderful thing to be desired. If it doesn’t work out, there will be someone else. That’s life. In the meantime, you will experience the wonderful pleasures of sex and sensuality.

  11. yes this is late, but i’m one of those people who moves very slowly in relationships. not on purpose, but I take a lot of time to get to know someone before the topic of having sex even comes up. in my first relationship it took 3 years (i was 14 when I met him), the second took a day (age 24, kinda just happened but never should have) and the third was three months (current relationship). the first two were during drastically different periods in my life and the third was after being fed up with guys in general and choosing to get down to the business of seeing whether or not we were going in the same direction or not. DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU AND DON’T GIVE IN TO WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS.

  12. Along with many other posters, I’d say wait until you are with someone that you really want to have sex with. Finding someone you trust and care about is important. However, the person you end up having sex with for the first time might not be perfect and you might still get hurt. Virginity has been really built up, and although sex is very intimate, it might not be as big of a deal to you once you do have sex. That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t wait till you are with someone you trust, just that you might have a lot of ideas of what the experience might be like emotionally or physically that might not be as powerful as you might be imagining now. The main thing is, whomever you do decide to have sex with, if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d hope it’ll still be okay.

    For example, I wasn’t waiting for marriage either and mainly just wanted to be with someone I trusted. I had sex for the first time at 22 with a very good friend who ultimately broke my heart because it ended up only being a heat of the moment one time thing. Ultimately, the experience was exactly what I did not want. I am still upset about it a few years later, but it hasn’t altered me greatly in terms of my experiences with sex. At the very least it made it much easier to have sex when I wanted to have sex instead of having all the pressure of finding the right person for my first time. It helped a lot that he was someone I cared about and who knew me really well. My main regret is that the friendship got ruined. So maybe consider when you are with someone who you want to have sex with, will you be okay remembering that person as your first time regardless of where the relationship will end up.

  13. WOW! 26 and a virgin? Here’s some facts:

    Another commenter said that a guy will wait IF he has someone on the side or if you’re the only girl that will date him (Ultra religious types are sometimes an exception)

    If you’re worried about being considered “Loose” or a “Slut”, I have only heard other WOMEN use these terms. A girl has a much greater chance of being in a relationship with me if we get the sex thing out of the way A.S.A.P. then we see if we really like each other instead of just waiting til “That night”.

    Oh and for those you telling her to move on cause these guys aren’t worth it, she may not being having sex, but your fellow women are.

    If I meet a girl and she puts arbitrary time limits on sex that’s a form of “Control”. Its a BIG turn off. A signal that some time in the future sex may be withheld to get her way. That’s childish.

    You’re missing out on some really good relationships. The person you do lose it to might end up being a jerk anyway, there’s really no way to tell.

    Live your life, be human, have sex or don’t and come back in a few years on another blog complaining about being a 30 year old virgin who can’t find “The right guy”.

  14. Stay a virgin as long as possible…because you should ONLY be with a man who is a gentleman, loves you, and is willing to wait. I am in my 30s and still waiting for my husband. I am proud of it, I am not ashamed of it, I cannot be talked out of it, and I am not going to give into it!!! I have waited this long…my first time is going to special with the man God has chosen for me to be my husband. What better gift can someone give their spouse than to show, that before you ever knew them, you loved them so much, you saved yourself for only them? Yes, it has been difficult, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

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