How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 26-year-old virgin and, while I’m not waiting for marriage, I am waiting for the right guy. You know, that guy that won’t pressure me for sex because it’s the 3rd date or break up with me after 3 months because I’m not ready. And yes, both of those situations have happened, on more than one occasion. As I get older, it seems more impossible to find a guy that will wait for sex. I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him, because if a guy can treat me like crap after a nice evening where I cooked dinner and he didn’t get any, then imagine how much worse I would have felt had I given in and slept with him.

So, I guess my questions are: are there guys out there that will wait and respect me, how long is too long for him to wait, and what do guys think about a girl making them hold out for sex? I have male friends that respect me for waiting but, guys I date — that’s something else.

— The 26-Year-Old Virgin

What do you think the 26 Y.O.V. should do? Let her know in the comments below:


  1. I just started dating a girl and mind you i am 21 and she is 19. I’m her first actual bf. She was in 2 other talking type of deals but neither of those worked out to get to the bf stage. So being that I’m the first she is inexperienced in most things. Which is understandable and makes sense as to why she’s a Virgin. However she did ask if i was willing to wait till marriage. (Because her mom told her too wait until then or to get engaged) . Now i don’t mind waiting for or whatever but waiting till marriage at this stage in my life is kinda a long shot …. I’m currently a sophomore in college and she just started her first year. So i have at least 2 more years and then another 2 1/2 or so to get myself established and financially stable before i even start thinking about anything along those lines. So roughly I’m gonna say 5-6 years to wait on someone . I don’t know if that’s extremely long for sum or if it’s just me. Being that I’m not a Virgin now i can understand how it’s easy for a Virgin to wait and not really understand how they’re significant other may feel truly because they haven’t experienced sex and don’t really know what the other is going through. Don’t get me wrong it’s not some tragic story or hurtful process of waiting but for some it can be rough. And i also feel as though if your are waiting for marriage , what happens if the sex isn’t good, what happens if you guys don’t measure up at that point, is it cause you “love each other” that you’ll work around that or will it become an unforeseen outcome of waiting that now could potentially cause problems because now this can harm your possibilities of starting a family . These are the things i think of because how can you truly love and say that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you haven’t truly figured them out and experienced that person . And that’s not to say sleep around or anything.. but if you really think that this person might be the one … then why shouldn’t you get to know everything about them

  2. Hey, I know this post is 6 years old and all, but if you or anyone else finds this:
    I’ve been with my virgin girlfriend (whom I absolutely love more than anything (hopefully that isn’t my downfall) for a year and a half now. And I have only one piece of advice for women that want to hold on to their virginity for a while, while keeping the relationship running smoothly; Don’t Be Afraid Of Intimacy! Remember, Intimacy isn’t just sex, its hand-holding, kissing and making out, hugs, naps and if you are up for it, sleeping next to each other for the night. If you want to try to keep a long-term relationship and your virginity (until you want to lose it) then you have to show some effort at intimacy. If a guy makes you uncomfortable tell him loud and clear where the line he can’t cross yet. If anyone comes across this, I wish you the best of luck! Wish me some too, I need it.

  3. I waited until I met my future wife. I wish I had not. I missed out on a lot of great sex.
    you might think I am wrong, but to me, ‘sex is the best thing sense sliced bread”.
    Wish I had stated by at the latest 16.

  4. I think it’s good in a way because you find out who really cares about you for you and isn’t trying to get something from you – maybe say it straight up, or on your profile if you do the online dating thing? fuck shaving your legs for heartbreakers!

  5. It really depends on whether the guy you’re with shares similar view or is at least understanding. If a guy was serious about you (as in committed to pursuing a relationship with the intent of one day becoming married and thus spending the rest of his life with you) I can’t see why he’d have any trouble waiting.

    I happen to be a guy who is also waiting for the right girl. I’ve had plenty of opportunities but I turned them down every time both out of respect to whomever I end up with and in the hope that this girl will have extended me the same courtesy. In all honesty I wish more girls were like you but in any case don’t be too concerned about making a guy wait. You don’t owe him anything but honesty 🙂

  6. I was 18 when I lost my virginity, and at the time I thought I had waited too long. I was ridiculed constantly in high school, actually had my sexuality questioned, because “what straight girl graduates high school a virgin?” Well I did, and let me tell you, the world didnt end and the sky didnt fall. Although I had dated and really liked the guy I did end up losing my virginity too, I wish I had been a little older. 18 is so damn young, and at the time, I thought there was something wrong with me. Ridiculous

  7. @Jen:

    Sex may not be a big deal for you, but it is for some and there’s nothing wrong with waiting until one finds the right person to have that experience. Just giving it away to someone simply because people like you think being a virgin past high school age is weird doesn’t sound like a good way to enjoy sex, as you’re completely ignoring the fact that everyone goes at their own pace. Also, you don’t need to have sex to enjoy being a woman. That’s pretty much saying that you’re not a real woman if you’re not sexually active. Utter nonsense.

    @ Alfric McGlinhey:

    So? Is sex only for the young? Age shouldn’t be a factor in when to decide to have sex if you’re not doing it purely for procreative reasons.

    Most of the comments here are disappointing and lack insight. Again, I repeat, age should not be a factor in when you decide to have sex. Yes, it’s absolutely true that it poses a problem once you remain a virgin past a certain age due to everyone expecting everyone else to be experienced and be willing to do it at the drop of a hat, but is the proposed alternative to just do it and get it over with regardless of whether one is ready or not really a healthy attitude towards sex? You’re encouraging the person to look at sex as some annoying chore or something they must barter with in exchange for love. That’s basically setting up the person to have a jaded view about sex. They’re not holding out for unreasonable expectations, like a perfect man or waiting until marriage (which is usually a bad idea), nor did they state that it has to be a lifelong soulmate. They’re just waiting for the right person to come along, whomever that may be. And sex would be much enjoyable with that person they’re ready for than to do out of a sense of obligation because they have a sell-by date that people such as yourselves have imposed upon them. Like I said, everyone has their own pace. There is no “wrong” age to start having sex (barring children of course), and it’s silly to claim otherwise. There’s more to life than acquiring years of sexual experience under one’s belt just for the sake of not being thought of as a loser by narrow-minded people. Especially when as a woman it’s a double edged sword. You’re either a slut or a prude. People just can’t seem to respect other people’s choices.

    1. Waiting until marriage to have sex is NEVER a bad idea. It saves you and your future spouse the complications of being sexually active with multiple people. I am 17 and a virgin. I am going to wait until marriage. My boyfriend respects my decision to wait. He doesn’t pressure me into it at all, and even helps me stay chaste. Virginity is a gift you only have once. It is one of.the thongs you can never get back. So you have a right to protect it and decide on your own when and who you will give it to. Its special. Why waste God’s gift?

  8. my boyfriend and I is dating 1 year and a month now. And we BOTH are still virgin (i’m his first girlfriend) we don’t talk too much about sex but we are happy and contented of what our relationship is going. He’s not the only one waiting, I am also we are waiting for the right time. 🙂

  9. I am so saddened to see that everyone would rather take the easier route. My husband and I dated for 2 1/2 years and saved ourselves for our wedding night. Best decision we ever made! It was so exciting and thrilling to have that to look forward to. Being “controlling” because you don’t want to have sex is the biggest crapload I have ever heard. Sorry, but it’s true. Any man who pressures you into what you aren’t ready for is immature, and NOT worthy. Women need to have high self confidence to know that they are WORTHY and VALUED, and NO man can ever make you feel that way. Case in point-never let anyone pressure you to do what you don’t want to do. Waiting for your first time with your husband is the most fulfilling, exciting experience EVER!

  10. You’re 26? And you’re still not ready? Your youth is disappearing right before your eyes. You are at your most beautiful and alive right now. Celebrate that with the man who desires you. It’s a wonderful thing to be desired. If it doesn’t work out, there will be someone else. That’s life. In the meantime, you will experience the wonderful pleasures of sex and sensuality.

  11. yes this is late, but i’m one of those people who moves very slowly in relationships. not on purpose, but I take a lot of time to get to know someone before the topic of having sex even comes up. in my first relationship it took 3 years (i was 14 when I met him), the second took a day (age 24, kinda just happened but never should have) and the third was three months (current relationship). the first two were during drastically different periods in my life and the third was after being fed up with guys in general and choosing to get down to the business of seeing whether or not we were going in the same direction or not. DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU AND DON’T GIVE IN TO WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS.

  12. Along with many other posters, I’d say wait until you are with someone that you really want to have sex with. Finding someone you trust and care about is important. However, the person you end up having sex with for the first time might not be perfect and you might still get hurt. Virginity has been really built up, and although sex is very intimate, it might not be as big of a deal to you once you do have sex. That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t wait till you are with someone you trust, just that you might have a lot of ideas of what the experience might be like emotionally or physically that might not be as powerful as you might be imagining now. The main thing is, whomever you do decide to have sex with, if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d hope it’ll still be okay.

    For example, I wasn’t waiting for marriage either and mainly just wanted to be with someone I trusted. I had sex for the first time at 22 with a very good friend who ultimately broke my heart because it ended up only being a heat of the moment one time thing. Ultimately, the experience was exactly what I did not want. I am still upset about it a few years later, but it hasn’t altered me greatly in terms of my experiences with sex. At the very least it made it much easier to have sex when I wanted to have sex instead of having all the pressure of finding the right person for my first time. It helped a lot that he was someone I cared about and who knew me really well. My main regret is that the friendship got ruined. So maybe consider when you are with someone who you want to have sex with, will you be okay remembering that person as your first time regardless of where the relationship will end up.

  13. WOW! 26 and a virgin? Here’s some facts:

    Another commenter said that a guy will wait IF he has someone on the side or if you’re the only girl that will date him (Ultra religious types are sometimes an exception)

    If you’re worried about being considered “Loose” or a “Slut”, I have only heard other WOMEN use these terms. A girl has a much greater chance of being in a relationship with me if we get the sex thing out of the way A.S.A.P. then we see if we really like each other instead of just waiting til “That night”.

    Oh and for those you telling her to move on cause these guys aren’t worth it, she may not being having sex, but your fellow women are.

    If I meet a girl and she puts arbitrary time limits on sex that’s a form of “Control”. Its a BIG turn off. A signal that some time in the future sex may be withheld to get her way. That’s childish.

    You’re missing out on some really good relationships. The person you do lose it to might end up being a jerk anyway, there’s really no way to tell.

    Live your life, be human, have sex or don’t and come back in a few years on another blog complaining about being a 30 year old virgin who can’t find “The right guy”.

  14. Stay a virgin as long as possible…because you should ONLY be with a man who is a gentleman, loves you, and is willing to wait. I am in my 30s and still waiting for my husband. I am proud of it, I am not ashamed of it, I cannot be talked out of it, and I am not going to give into it!!! I have waited this long…my first time is going to special with the man God has chosen for me to be my husband. What better gift can someone give their spouse than to show, that before you ever knew them, you loved them so much, you saved yourself for only them? Yes, it has been difficult, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

  15. Funny thing, most of life seems to occur while *NOT* having sex.

    If your partner is worth dating without sex, chances are it will still be true with sex.

    Sleep together, shower together, cuddle and hug, and when the time is right for everybody (for us heteros, when contraception is ready and waiting) work your way to sharing your bodies. Just remember, the first few times may NOT be great. Just keep the rest of your compatability going, and have fun working together to be lovers.

    Practice makes perfect.

  16. I’ve been dateing my boy friend for about 6 months now and I’m still a virgin but tomorrow he wants to have sex an I’m not sure what to say. Because I’m not sure if I’m ready or not, and I love him and I want to express my love but I’m just not sure. But it’s so hard to resist him.

  17. Im 21. my boyfriend & I have been together for almost 4 years n half now and I’m still a virgin. n yes I’m a virgin because of my religious issues. and because i want to. my guy is just like any other guys.. he wants it real bad.. like really bad.. but IMO us girls need to protect our own ‘thing’ , not giving it away too easily(because it is too precious) and be strong (at least to me). its for our own good though. plus my bf once cheated on me with this one girl(not really since we alrdy broke up at that time) n left her once he found out that shes no longer a virgin n yea he came to me n asking me to marry him next year n yea we are getting married! but I’m not judging anyone here. its just from my point of view. sorry for my broken english and I’m really sorry if I ve offended any of you guys.

  18. From my own experience, I only had sex with the girl I eventually married, we were both virgins, as soon as I fell in love with her I felt it was time I made love,but I did wait until we were engaged, did not want a shotgun wedding. Only have sex with a women IF she is ready for it, us men are sometimes to impatient for getting into a woman, sex is only a game for men, but it is taken more seriously my women, at least the women I have met.

  19. I was a virgin until 24 because of religious reasons. When i met my now husband he was direct and said he would wait 4 months or leave because I would have to prove my love in return I think most guys would not have waited that long.

  20. A 26-year old virgin! What are you waiting for? Go enjoy your life. Go enjoy being young and fit and full of hormones – you will not get a second chance.
    When you meet a man you love none of that will matter, if he thinks you’re “damaged goods”, run away, fast – he does not love you. Real love lives in the present and is based on respect and intimacy – accept no substitutes.

  21. Couples who have premarital sex are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce if they do get married.

    I doubt the premarital sex causes these two things. It is the frame of mind of the participants. Those who understand that sex isn’t everything and is best to leave until after marriage end up finding each other and spending the rest of their lives together!

    There are some guys eagerly going around screwing as many girls as possible, and they use high pressure tactics. Look at the stories above. Several guys dumped the girl after they finally got what they wanted: physical pleasure. The right guy wants that too, but in the context of a relationship with 1 woman for life, after marriage!

  22. LISTEN TO ATHENA! I am horrified by many of the responses here, but she at least has the right idea.

    Don’t ever feel guilty or force yourself to have sex with anyone, no matter what. You know what you want–the only guy who deserves sex with you is the one who respects you and your wishes. He’ll wait until you’re ready.

  23. No matter what anyone says above me, you don`t `owe` a guy sex. If you`re waiting for the right guy, by all means, you`ll know when he comes. (: And no-one can tell you how long is `too long,` because, obviously, if you`ve waited 26 years then a few years sure as heck won`t make a difference.

  24. While I totally understand wanting it to mean something and be special, you’re 26. You’re not in high school, and neither are the guys you’re giving the go round. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it. Sex is fun, and all I see you doing is denying yourself. Maybe you should stop considering ways to put it off and just do it already! I think you’ll be surprised and be a little angry at yourself for waiting so long. There’s a lot of good guys out there. Don’t be scared to grow up and enjoy being a woman!

  25. If you are like most women, you actually have two things going on here:

    1. You’re typically pursuing men about your age or a little older.

    2. You’re making them wait.

    Let’s talk about waiting first.

    Men (and most women) who are not asexual, homosexual and hiding it, or physically incompetent for sex typically expect a long term, romantic relationship to include sexual activity. This is–in our culture–the expected venue for sexual activity. So, unless they really don’t like or want sex with women, they typically pursue women romantically they want to have sex with.

    Most men also expect some form of exclusivity in these relationships. Whether the men live up to it or not, they want the woman to. This is one reason many men will accept waiting for sex because it shows you are “choosy” and implies a better chance that–once sex is on the table–you’re not likely to be cheating on him.

    So, a waiting period is a good thing. What your difficulty is, is the length of the wait and something called “opportunity cost”.

    Basically, opportunity cost is the value of whatever else the person–in this case man–could have done instead of waiting for you. If you are a very high value partner and it results in his expectations being met or exceeded, a man is likely to be completely okay with a long wait.

    However, if the opportunity cost in his mind–looking at other potential partners and opportunities while he’s waiting–gets too high, he will typically feel cheated or that you may have intentionally used him. Mostly, this is because he’s seeing you in terms of un-recoverable, lost opportunities at that point and you are in the decision-making seat.

    This is most likely why you start seeing resentment towards the end of these relationships and probably anger.

    The second part, the age of the guys, sort of plays off this part. First of all, most of these guys you’re probably dating as you get older are older themselves. Most of them probably haven’t even dated a virgin since they were teenagers and therefore the value of virginity for them is most likely only in terms of getting to “teach you” how to enjoy sex or in social terms like religious values.

    Most of these men will probably have had at least one successful long term relationship where they realized it doesn’t really matter about the woman’s prior experience, it matters about her experience with them to determine how satisfied they both are.

    So, the older you get and the older your prospective partners are, the less “valuable” you being a virgin becomes to them. Your inexperience and your choosiness may actually start to work against you in finding men who are willing to wait.

    To sum up, men will wait as long as they think you are worth waiting for compared to their other options. If you want them to wait longer, you need to increase your value in their eyes in comparison to other women. If you want men who value your virginity more, you’re going to probably need to adjust your sights toward younger men (for whom it’s still of interest) or toward men with a highly idealistic background (especially those with religious convictions).

    Additionally, once you do start having sex–assuming you find the “right” man–you’re probably going to have some emotional baggage from it, both in terms of self-value and the fact sex has a learning curve and is unlikely to be “spectacular” the first time you do it.

    Good luck though!

  26. I’m 20 years old and a virgin. In high school I always said I was going to wait until marriage, so I didn’t have to “waste” my virginity on some asshole who only wanted to use me for sex, and so I could be with that one guy for the rest of my life.
    As I got into college and really seeing how things are, relationships, etc. I realized that waiting til marriage really doesn’t have many advantages. If you are very religious and are doing it for that reason then it’s different. But like me not being religious, why wait so long? Like others have said, you can only hold out for so long before you venture into that weird age where virginity isn’t common.
    Waiting may make it so you avoid getting hurt, but heartbreak is going to happen no matter what, if you didn’t want that then don’t date at all, ever.
    What you should focus on instead is if that particular guy is worth it. Yes, you may break up down the road but thats life. It shouldn’t take long to see if he’s really in it for the right reasons. Some girls may get unlucky and think they found someone “perfect” then when everything is said and done he turns into a totally different individual. But the chances of that aren’t too great and if you are really using good judgement you should be able to tell the good from bad.
    I’m not waiting til marriage but obviously I refuse to have sex with the first guy that wants to date, what I expect is someone who accepts the fact that I am a virgin and also have basically no sexual experience in any foreplay besides kissing. Some may not like that and don’t want to be “teachers” but others don’t mind. Again, that saves me from wasting time with someone who doesn’t want what I have to offer and my time isn’t wasted if you are UPFRONT about things. That is the key!!
    If a guy respects me, understands my situation and what I want out of a relationship, and we meet on the same page, sex will happen in good timing, no point in waiting a year or longer “just because”.
    You just need to realize that if you wait too long, then it only gets more difficult to find possible partners. Even at 20, which is young, I find it difficult to find guys who are okay with what I want.
    Not to be harsh but don’t be such a prude about it, let things happen how they should and just go with what feels right. If you have sex and later on you break up, then hey, at least you learned right? That only means you can try again with someone else until you do find that right person to stay with forever.

  27. if a guy dosent get any for more than 5 years from hIS virgin girlfriend than it means 2 things. hes cheating with someone who will give it up or he cant get anyone ealse so hes stuck with you.

  28. You should absolutely wait for a guy that deserves you, and if the number of schmucks out there starts to get you down, just consider it weeding out the ones you don’t want anyways!

    For the record, I was 27 when I lost my virginity. I wondered for years whether I’d ever find someone worth the while, and fluctuated between times of wanting to wait (possibly even for marriage) versus sleeping with whoever to get it out of the way. Yes, I was dumped a few times for it, once just for being a virgin in the first place. However, I met the right guy and am so glad I didn’t waste intimacy on men who didn’t care about me. Regardless of my lack of history, we have great sex. Plus, I don’t hold back because I trust him, but I would’ve been much more self-conscious with someone I wasn’t sure about (which I’m sure would’ve felt a lot less great to both of us!). Wait as long as you need to find, and be sure of, a worthwhile man.

    And to the guys on here to say to not wait around for a virgin? I made my man wait 2 months. Hardly a long time… he would’ve waited a lot longer if I’d wanted. If you don’t value a woman enough to want her in your life more than you want sex, then you should get out – because you clearly want a hookup, not a relationship.

    A few other practical reasons for waiting for someone worthy:
    1) you have enough confidence and self-esteem by now (in your 20s) to amplify your regret if you give it away to a jerk.
    2) It may hurt a bit the first time, and you want someone who cares enough to make you enjoy it as much as he does
    3) If you don’t enjoy it, how much WORSE will you feel?
    4) a bad experience can make you think you’re bad at sex…which doesn’t bode well for the next time… (if he’s not in tune with you it is NOT your fault)
    5) can you be sure his health record is clean?

  29. I really think it depends on the man. Some guys are okay with waiting, while others, as piggish as it is, expect some “fun” sooner than u’d think.

    I do believe, however, that at some point, ur going to hit an age where u have to have some sexual experience- or ur going to reach 30-40 yr old virgin status, and just like the movie: it’ll shock everyone around u.

    The thing that can make giving ur virgnity up much much harder, is not willing to learn ANYTHING.

    U don’t have to give up ur virginity, ever- but at least learn some other things. U can’t expect us, the men, to do everything and always take the initiative sexually- u have to learn some things and make a move too.

    I’ve dated a few virgins, and frankly, I respected it, I didn’t apply pressure, I didn’t get upset at them, but at the very same time: They had no sexual skills whatsoever.

    Now….that’s perfectly okay, because everybody has to start somewhere- but the problem is: If u never start learning, ur gonna pass up quite a few good guys that u could’ve learned and grown together with.

    Not willing to give ur virginity up is ur choice and there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at all- but at the very same time: U gotta have SOME sexual skills, so ur partner recieves SOMETHING in the bedroom.

    If 4th base is off limits to u, then balance it out with AWESOME 2nd and 3rd base techniques- because if u know NOTHING, nor are u willing to learn anything at all- it might not pan out too well.

    There’s no point in going to a bedroom, if all ur gonna do is kiss. U can kiss on a bench, on a couch, in the park, in a car- u can kiss in alot of places- but going beyond that: that’s what the bedroom’s for. So unless ur willing to learn some things- don’t go to the bedroom.

  30. I am going on 22 and I’m still a virgin, but Im waiting till marriage, I understand how it feels to want the right guy that will love you just for you and not what they can get. I’m very annoyed with my friend because he doesnt want a slut so he feels i should give it up to him, but I dont have any attraction to him like that, I value our friendship but at the same time I want to avoid him. Every guy i like finds out im a virgin and tries to figure out ways into getting me to give it up, thank god i am strong and i know that i am not ready so they always lose against me.My thing is as I get older I still cant find mr right, i feel that its some ways my bffs fault, he was a long time virgin and we fell in love with each other but then he moved to texas and gave it up to some tramp. I feel that I should just stay single and prepare to graduate and travel the world but my friend think that I’m just running away from relationships because i dont think my right guy will come. my point is this feeling happens, just be proud that you lasted longer than many, I watched many of my fiends give it up and they all have kids and ass holes for the father. Dont let society nature influence yours view. That guy that is worthy will come sooner than you think, just have to stop looking for him 😉

  31. Am 21,still a virgin tho!?!jux waiting 4 the ryt guy 2 break it cuz i wud leave 2 regret it al my lyf,when jux sm guy use me n dump me?gosh,it wud be ridiculous!?!if u can’t wait,then go find ur compatible match!?!

  32. Make his sorry ass wait for sex? Absolutely. I’m 20 years old and I lost virginity to a prostitute who was so loose, it felt like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

    If the douchebag only wants sex, he should go to Las Vegas and get some hookers.

    I personally dislike women who are purposely not virgins, because they wanted to have sex with whoever they want.

    That’s not very nice for the guy you fall in love with, now is it?

    Crap like that is why I never knew my own biological father.

  33. I have dated this girl for 3 complete years and I have always been asked to wait for her to be ready. We have been very intimate, moreover, we romance, kiss, caress but I am very tired of waiting for sex. It is part of the relationship & an important one. Recently, I think of checking out for a compatible person since we don’t have some wants in common. Is right please?

  34. There are guys that will wait and guys that won’t. I’ve dated 3 guys who couldn’t wait for me and ended the relationship within 4-5 months. My current boyfriend, whom I lost my virginity to, waited a year and a half for me (and he was getting lots before dating me). What I’m trying to say is, don’t give in to just any guy. If a guy respects you and your decision, then there’s no time that’s considered too long to wait. And if he does wait until you’re comfortable, however long that may be, he’s a definite keeper!

  35. About 2 weeks. Don’t get angry abotu it. Just tell her that you think there is nothing wrong with it. That sex to you is not the only part but an important part of relationships. If she doesnt want to, thats fine, but you will move on. To win them, you got to be willing to loss them.

  36. One point to understand is: virginity is not synonymous with virtue. If a woman thinks it is, out of religious or other conviction, she is entitled to live according to her precept but most women do not adhere to such an antiquated and ridiculous notion. There is a very happy middle between prudery and promiscuity and prudery is just that when disguised as “morality.” Women should not sleep with a guy unless they want to but if they put it off unduly, they will find their precious virginity is a “gem” nobody wants.

  37. I feel your pain Wynona the same thing happened to me. I was 23 and a virgin when I met him, he said and did all the right things. He told me he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he would do anything for me. After a couple of months of dating I had fallen for him and we slept together. It felt right and I had never felt so happy in my entire life. I never saw him again. He had used me but what made it worse was that I was no longer a silly teen. I couldn’t just chalk this mistake up to being a stupid kid. I was an adult and I had waited so long to lose my virginity it shouldn’t have happend this way. The guy in question showed no remorse when I asked him why he had done this, in fact, his facade immediately dropped and he resorted to calling me all sorts of horrible names. This happened 4 years ago but I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life.

  38. When I just turned 21, I was manipulated by this demon guy 7 yrs my senior. He’s my first bf, first kiss. He only used me for sex, and I thought he’s in love with me. Coz he said he loves me too much he wanted to do it with me. Right before sex he was the sweetest thing on earth, the moment right after sex, he’s turned into his demon self, in a snap. Now, 10 yrs have passed and I still consider it as the biggest regret of my life.

  39. ^ Agreed. As a younger man I saw many young women wait for love, the right guy, etc. Except they’d inexplicably KEEP waiting once they met that guy! Great guy, great chemistry, PERFECT opportunity – and still they wait. Usually the relationship would end, they’d realized that they missed their chance, then they’d “give it up” to an asshole out of regret.

    And having been that young man who “waited” right along with her, my advice to guys is always to move on if you’re not getting laid in a time frame that you find acceptable. Waiting sucks, especially considering that it might not even happen. Don’t pressure her. Don’t “communicate” about it. Just leave and find a woman who’s on the same page as you.

  40. i think you should of just put out with the first guy you fell inlove with because your’e the next 40 year old virgin and life is short as fuck so enjoy sex before it wrinkerly haha

  41. I think it’s a bell curve like any other behavioral characteristic. Some men will be willing to wait longer than others, the longer you want to wait the fewer men you will find willing. You might find some that will wait as long as you want. I think it’s too bad that women think it’s shallow if a man bolts if he wants sex and his dating partner won’t meet his needs. Just remember he might be feeling just as rejected by your need to wait, as you would feel if you slept with him and then he left. Good luck.

  42. I have waited over a year for my girlfriend without any luck. I don’t think it’s very common to wait this long, I must be stupid. So if you’re looking for someone who’ll wait as long as I am, that guy must be a virgin too i guess. Go around some med schools or grad schools with engineering i’m sure you’ll find other virgins over yonder.

  43. Yes, there are men out there who are happy to wait, but these are in a minority.

    In Western culture, pre-marital sex is common and an important part of a relationship for the majority of men. A man regarding sex as an important part of a relationship is just as an acceptable sexual preference as you regarding sex as strictly a marital act. By deciding to wait until marriage, you are therefore going to be ‘sexually incompatible’ with the majority of men you meet. Just in the same way two incompatible personalities won’t make a good relationship, neither will sexual incompatibility.

    What’s happened in the past is that you’ve established a relationship with men who you are not so sexually compatible with and these men have left when that incompatibility has emerged. Not your fault, not their fault, just simple dating forces at play.

    So, to stand a good chance of meeting the minority men who are sexually compatible (i.e. are happy to wait), you’ll need to increase the number of single men you meet. Be upfront about your preferences early in the dating game and you’ll ensure that you don’t waste time pursuing incompatible men who will break up with you when they realise you both want different things. Seeking a social group where such preferences are more common (e.g. Christian church group) will tilt the balance in your favour. Just be aware that pure statistics dictate that the older you get, the fewer similarly aged single men will be available.

    So in summary, stop being so bitter about the fact that the majority of men want something different to you, and instead focus your efforts on meeting the minority of men who are compatible. Meet lots of men, and pick a social group where the compatible proportion is higher. Be open with your preferences earlier in the dating game to reduce the time you spend chasing incompatible people, and you’ll do fine. Good luck!

  44. By the way, at 24, only by making a few wrong turns have I figured out what I don’t want in a man mentally, emotionally and physically speaking.

    Now I am with the love of my life and he was more inexperienced than me when we first met but because of my experience, I could show him what I liked and things have gone really steamy. He was really impressed with me and told me no other girl had never made so much effort in foreplay.

    While I’m not saying go and jump in bed with the next guy you see, you do need find out what makes you tick in sex because just because you are compatible in other ways it doesn’t automatically make you sexually compatible and vice versa.

    It took time, work and patience for us to be where we are even though we fell for each other instantly and even more so when we realised how compatible we are as a couple. I do recommend watching Em & Lo’s Sex: How to do Everything because although you may not agree with everything shown, sex is not black and white. There are many weird and wonderful components to it.

  45. Depends what you’re making him wait for.

    My bf loves me and respects me but it doesn’t mean I’m going to hold sex back from him. It’s part of one of our many expressions of love to each other which include talking to each other everyday (we are long distance), poems, gifts & cuddles and not a day goes by where we don’t tell each other “I love you” but we are animals and sex is a primal thing as well as an uncensored love expression.

    I think if you are trying to test whether a guy respects you or not, then sex is not the only factor. Does he listen to you? Does he make a mental note of things you like and then do something spontaneous about it? Does he make you laugh?

    Maybe you could try long distance as that involves a lot of talking and less opportunities for touching but after meeting a guy in person first- always safer. If he puts the effort into the relationship, then go for it with him because hell you need to show him you fancy him back.

    An example is my bf will visit me just for the day to spend time with me regardless of whether “action” is involved or not. He will wake up at 6 am to catch trains and coaches to be here for 11 am and then go back in the evening (because he works) and not be home until 11 pm.

    I understand where you’re coming from but you need to look at sex like a slice of pizza. It’s just one slice of a relationship but it’s still there. You would never expect a pizza with one piece missing to be delivered to you.

    You don’t know what will happen. Any guy is capable of heartbreak as much as the right one is capable of loving you for you. I’ve had my heart broken by more bfs I haven’t slept with. You’ll never live if you fear the future.

  46. Let’s see… it’s been 1 year and 4 months now with my virgin girlfriend. In the past, I had regular sex with my ex-girlfriends within 1-2 months of the relationship starting, one of which was a virgin. How long will I “wait” for my girlfriend? I don’t know. It’s a such dead-end thought so I rarely entertain it… other then those moments when I’m REALLY horny.

  47. yes there are guys i have been with my girlfriend for three months, she is a virgin, and i told her that i would wait until she was ready

  48. You have the right to make ultimatums. But why make your hubby wait, of all things? What a silly way of making someone prove their love for you. Ask him to chop one of his fingers off or humiliate some bastard you despise, demand amazing oral sex, get him to display ‘<3 I love you <3’ on a blimp, or perform some Herculean feat. Get medieval on his potentially chivalrous ass; I believe the maximum obligatory waiting period in those days was one night because people back then realized that the clock is always ticking. Waiting is as much a test of patience as it is a test of predisposition to laziness.
    Besides, your guy is not the only one waiting – you are also waiting! How long do you seriously think you can search before settling down? 20 years tops. Make each guy wait 5 years and you can only try out 4 men as potential mates. And as the OP says, “As I get older, it seems more impossible for me to find a guy that will wait for sex.” Well, no shit!
    Women also tend to minimize the difference between how the sexes perceive sex, and thus misunderstand male sexuality. Let me throw an idea out there: succumb to his pressure before 5 years pass, and then withdraw sex. With the sexual novelty gone, your hubby will have no reason to stay with you EXCEPT an emotional attachment. If he continues to ‘wait’ for you AFTER sexual satiation, you will know that he loves truly. What do you have to lose? Pregnancy is no longer problematic. Premarital sex ostracizes you in some societies, but not in our Anglophonic lands. There is no evidence, scientific or anecdotal, that men prefer virgins (unless they have the Madonna/whore complex, in which case they can become disillusioned with you even if you have sex only with them.) If your guy leaves you, if he becomes a jerk, congratulations, you have not wasted years on him; you are free to go separate ways in a win-win situation. Perhaps a woman might wait because she desperately wants to be loved, and is afraid of finding out that her love interest only cares for having sex with her, and thus she delays the awful realization that should come soon after consummation.
    Am I right, or does my logic have a gaping hole in the middle?
    Men understand the need to push beyond the comfort zone, for their own good. Women are locked into believing the evil of being pressured into doing something you don’t want to do or are not ready for. I think that some women, like the disappointed/confused waiting commentators above, might want to reconsider their wholesale rejection of the male perspective, especially considering how men are demanded to feminize their view of a relationship.
    Please don’t kill me for that suggestion.

  49. What exactly do you consider to be pressuring for sex? I fall deeply in love with a woman, such that the prospect of fulfilling her desires (whatever they might be – it is different for everyone) and to make her feel wanted loved meaningful etc etc totally overwhelms all desire to simply have sex with her. I become Felix-like, with all the supernatural crap to boot, and my considerations of self fall away from me. But, I can tell from her reactions, my advances are interpreted as based on a purely sexual interest. I cannot just conceal how sexually electrified I am. Modern society deprives us of acceptable means of expressing such feelings. I understand the woman’s responses are reasonable – statistically, I am likely to be interested in laying her. Similarly, any frills in my behavior are attributable to standard seducer tactics. We are all pressured into becoming seducers if only in tiny bits, like saying ‘I love you’ when it is expected and not when you mean it. It is amazing that few men become full-blown seducers, considering that only sexually assertive men as viewed as sexually successful by both men and women. I cannot communicate my sincerity to her, what do I doooooooo?

  50. A virgin is scared a little, the first time. I will typically do oral sex with her, without intercourse. She can play with me too, using her hands, or provide oral sex, if she wishes.

    This gets her used to receiving a climax without having intercourse. I also do clitoral stimulation with a vibrator for her. Perhaps some gentle vaginal dilation with the vibrator too. It’s easy to control the vibrator and not hurt her that way.

    One day, after months of non-intercourse sex, she simply gets all aroused and jumps on top and before she knows it, she’s no longer a virgin anymore.

    But, she can take as long as she wants to get to that point. I’ll be gentle and considerate and let her grow comfortable with being with me.

  51. A man only needs to ONE simple thing to have sex with you. You said it yourself.

    “I want someone to respect me and make me feel safe enough to want to share that with him.”

    So far, no man has been able to do that one simple act.

    And, why is that? Two reasons. One, they are stupid fools, with few or no seduction skills. Most men expect women to “give it up”, instead of looking at why women have sex in the first place and then trying to provide for their emotional needs.

    And, second, most men are self-centered and focus primarily on their own desires.

    It’s easy as pie to have sex with a virgin, because she lacks many of the things that more experienced women have learned.

    A virgin wants to feel a sense of trust and she needs an emotional connection to be comfortable. That means dropping all the pressure to have sex, and simply focusing on her emotional needs, instead.

    Any man who takes the time to create a genuine friendship with a virgin has done most of the work. All he really needs to do is spend some time with non-threatening foreplay, and wait until she feels safe and ready.

    But, you can’t fake this. You need to make the virgin feel loved and cared for. Otherwise, she won’t be able to relax and desire sex.

    It’s so simple to do this, yet it’s almost impossible for most men, because they are only concerned about their own needs, and nothing more.

    You should wait until you feel right, and until you are confident that you have a loving, caring partner. That might take you six months, or just 10 days. It all depends on the man, and how you feel about him.

    BTW, you are much wiser than most women, who grabbed whatever seemed good at the time. Chances are, your sex life will be rewarding, both physically as well as emotionally.

  52. Gee Xander hostile much?

    The right guy will wait! My guy waited for me, and a real man who is truly into you and realizes you are not playing games will be flattered that he was your first.

    A person who stands her ground and believes in herself is to be admired-it is such a rare thing these days.

  53. Your Problem is simple, you are not a child anymore, at 26 no guy on earth will expect a childish relationship, afraid to break it to you but adult’s have sex as a part of any relationship as an integral part, without sex all you have is a childish relationship and by 26, guy’s wont be expecting such immature antic’s nor will they want them, yet your expecting someone to “love” and cherish you without actually being in a relationship with them, as any real relationship includes sex, without it, it’s not real just a childish fantasy, it’s not about guy’s pressuring you for sex … pressuring you… notice the word your 26 ffs you cant be pressured you can be asked, if you dont want to fine but you dont get to whine for being asked afterward’s, frankly nor should you expect to date any guy your own age or older, no one dating you will expect what they get and adult’s use to adult relationships who first meet you and may think they can handle it, will simply learn they can’t as they’re getting nothing out of the fake relationship your pretending exists for the expedience of whatever made you scared of sex in the first place, it’s about you being way to old to expect guy’s to wait for sex, and yes 3 months was my limit… when I was much younger and dating younger girls, im within a month of 26 now it’s very different indeed, now it’s the 3rd date rule I follow, additionally I hate prudes so I’m much happier with 2nd dater’s, (1st dater’s are risky though, and may love it to much though and so unlikely to be trusted in future, but its been known to happen, i guess but 2nd is my ideal, forward and spontaneous and fun but not sluttly so).

    Sorry but it’s clear you dont get what sex represent’s nor it’s place in a relationship, dont get me wrong, trust, understanding sharing are all equal part’s in relationship, but sex is the glue that hold’s thing’s together, all people feel lust, sharing lust can be wonderful, or boring, or bad, or great, or fun, or sad, or anything depending on the people time and what they do, things like make-up sex and morning sex and making love and well word starts with f and has more letters ing, all make up the experience of a relationship they can express emotions from interest to lust to love to many other’s, they’re how you get to know the other person how you build a history with them, your expecting guy’s to be interested in you but provide them with no outlet for lust, or love, and expect what them to be happy kissing… jeez I got bored of that when I was 13, dont get me wrong kissing is essential to in a different way and I like kissing, but it’s like sex merely another part of a whole, without every part it’s merely an illusion.

    A real relationship is about sharing your journey through life, your high’s your low’s you love’s your hate’s your passions and your lust, your trying to find a real relationship without offering a large part of yourself in the process, and then blaming the other party for your faults.

    No adult your age would accept such a situation, it’s not about being a “good” guy not anymore for you that stopped long by 21, though more like 18, it’s about not wanting a childish relationship, your only chance is to find a teenager to date, someone 16 year old guy might put up with such a situation if your lucky, as they don’t know any better, if not suck it up and get with someone for once, I waited for sex with my perfect person the 1st time, and I ended up with my ex-fioncaee (alas in the end didnt work out but we were in love and though it would), what a big ole let down, sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and practice makes perfect before it is, so your first time even if you found your perfect sap willing to put up with what little you offer in return from some theoretical chance at actually getting a real relationship later is going to be a major disappointment for both parties.

    Personally I hate prudes, for a variety of reasons not important to you but ultimately your not a poor young innocent virgin being pressured for sex anymore your pretty much a prude expecting a real relationship but not willing to commit any of yourself to it, and wondering why their doomed to fail, without offering yourself all of yourself to a relationship and yes risking yourself getting hurt your not even willing to take the same risk as the other party, that means ultimately no mature guy or nice guy or good guy or anyone after a companion to share
    life with would be interested and anyone who had pretended to in the past was merely stringing you along and after you for sex as a virgin, whilst dating other’s on the side. But these people decided you weren’t worth the effort after 3 months of waiting.

    Sex is also in the beginning the offering a little bit of ourselves, a bit of our soul if you will in the hope we get something out the relationship yes it hurts when they fail but if your not willing to give it a real shot in the first place and risk your heart broken then dont be in a relationship, your not fit to, people like you expect others to offer everything of themselves and you offer nothing that can be hurt of yourself and wondery why no one but you find it a fair trade, that’s why I wouldn’t touch ye with a barge pole, no matter what you looked like, and despite my outspoken belief’s, i’m probably one of the best guy’s in a relationship you’ll ever speak to, because I get most of my fun from making the other person happy, and concentrating on the little thing’s, but people like you are definitely labelled enemy contact on my radar.

  54. reccomended waiting period? 24 – 48 hours max. Any longer and it all just ends up being a letdown. The guy then dumps you and hits on your best friend. you spiral into a descending staircase of suicidal thoughts and antisocial drug abuse. Real bummer.

  55. After so long you loose interest in the girl’s physical attractiveness. Its not fair for a guy, to love you and not be able to Have all of you.

  56. my boyfriend keeps pressurizing me have sex with him too and i have been telling him i do not want to but he gives me the ultimatum.do you think i should just go ahead and dump him?

  57. Teresa, thank you for your comment, it really inspired me, I’m in a relationship where I care so much and love my boyfriend but just not ready physically. I trust that he can wait for me until I’m ready, I just hope that he doesn’t lose his patience…(after all, he is a guy.) I cannot believe your husband waited 3 years…

  58. I know where you’re coming from. I did want to wait for marriage but not for religious reasons. I wanted someone who loved me for me and knew we’d want to spend the rest of our lives together. IDK how long your longest relationships been but my hubbie and I dated for 3 YEARS with out him getting any. Doesn’t mean he liked it and that we didn’t have issues from time to time but if he really loves you he will wait until your ready. Weather it takes 3 months or 3 years. Don’t be pressured into something you don’t want/aren’t ready for. You can’t get it back.

  59. Hi I am female and I am choosing to keep my virginity. I know that this forum has been up for a while and I don’t consider my entry as an answer to the question that started this forum, but a lot of people seem to have a lot of opinions and biases with regard to virgins and I don’t honestly know who’s right or who’s wrong, but I will tell you why I’ve made this choice for myself. You can judge me for it or decide if it might give you some insight into at least one reason why someone would make this choice since at least from my perspective, it’s really not the popular choice. When I was young I would say that my decision was more heavily based on religion than it is now. Maybe it was this set of ideals I had set up in my own mind, but as I’ve gotten older the world seems a lot more different and it has no longer fit into that set of ideals. One thing that still holds true and that has always held true however is that virginity exists only once. Once it’s gone there’s no turning back. I can loose my virginity at any time and so why would I stress as much about trying to loose it when keeping it is not only more difficult, but more fragile. Fragile because it’s so easily lost. I’m already confused as it is. Why would I want to loose my virginity and find that after it’s gone I’m back where I started: confused? After that I can’t decide to turn back and decide one choice was right and the other wrong. By that point I only have one road to follow. This is the crossing of the roads and only one road offers two choices. Virginity gives me time to think and decide. It also gives me time to peal away all the layers of a guy and see what is lying deep down inside of him. Does he truly love me or is he just putting up a show to get his reward? I want to have sex and I want to give myself body and soul to the one that I love, but waiting is better for me and for him in my opinion because I will be giving them something that I want to offer just as much as they want to have and vice versa. They will be offering me something that I want to have, but don’t try and tell me a man has needs or that I’m selfish. There’s nothing selfish about believing something. I have needs too. I’m exercising the same restraint as he is, but I stay in control. Why would he be any different? Maybe the man who tries to tell me this wants to believe his own lie. He honestly wants to believe that he is in love with me. Maybe little boys and little girls both want happily ever after even if it’s make believe. The lie that a man can’t wait is for the girl is what is make-believe. If you can’t wait you don’t love her. So don’t lie to her or to yourself, because when you love someone you wont need to bother with charades. My ideas may be good in theory, but in reality what do any of us really know about life right? Each and everyone of us are only mortals trying to make our way through this confusing, but really wonderful life. Good luck to you all in all your journey’s. Hope everyone finds their pot of gold in the end. 🙂

  60. Part. Most men see a women with a child and make judgements before they get to know how I am. They think I have baby daddy, or I sleep around. I should know how to have sex I mean I do have a child. So its hard for me to get past Stereotypes. I sometimes think my daughter will lose her virginty before me. What sucks the most is I’m a Twin she lost her V-card at 25 to her first boyfriend. We are book ends in looks,its hard when I have to explain that your not the same to men. I don’t want to label all men but sometimes if they take the time to read the book and not assume its the same as all the others you would be quite Surprised at what you might find that there is a beautiful,smart,kind of cute kind of funny virgin that like watching old “Conan and Red Sonja “movies. I promise I’m not a prude at ALL, I just want someone to want me not just my ass.

  61. I know you u may not be reading this anymore but I’m a virgin too. But I’m 34 yrs old. I to have a hard time with men. My Situation is very Complicated. I wanted to wait as a kid cause alot of my friends were getting having babies very young and I didn’t want to be a sterotype. So I kept my head in books and block out boys. I said when I move away from home I will try to find out what type of woman I am. It didnt work out quiet like that. When I was in school I met a girl we became like sister, long story short she had a baby she wasn’t mentally of Physically ready to be a mum so I became a single mum at 25. This is the Complicated

  62. and ashley its all b.s he dosnt need it he can please him self dont do anything your not ready for if he loves you he will wait and if he breaks up with you because of it his loss then he didnt care for the real you its better to let him go then to have sex if your not ready its not just physical it can mess you up emotional if it dosnt work out and you werent ready but did it to make him happy take it from me i been in your shoes didnt work out and leaves you emotionally messed up

  63. i lost my virginity when i was 19 which was last year i was one of those who wanted to wait for marriage didnt work out that way i loved the guy but he used me its something i cant take back and not a day goes by that i dont wish i could take it back and not give in.my advise make them wait if they love you they will wait and why does it have to be about sex if you guys cant wait masturbate dont cheat or just simply have clean thoughts

  64. i am 18 years old and my bf is 24 we have been dating for a year now. wen we started going out i told him i was a virgen and that i wanted to wait till marrige he said he was fine with that!! now he has been pressuring me into having sex he syas he cant wait any longer the he NEEDS to have sex. i dont know what to do. i don’t want to break up with him over this but its really hard wen we fight constantly about me not wantin to hav ex and hi saying he cnt wait any longer. i dont know what to do i cant just throw away one year of my life with him in the garbage i really do love him butt dont know what to do i really want to wait till marrige!!! any suggestions?!?!!?!

  65. Hello,

    I am an adult virgin and I am older than most of these people, at 31. The reason? Well there are several and none are religious. I don’t consider myself to be ‘selfish’ or ‘prudish’ but I’m certainly not a wh*re either. There seems to be a big misconception about adult virgins both male and female, and maybe people should educate themselves or try to understand other people’s plights a little more. But bashing someone for not having sex with someone else, isn’t going to that person any closer to it.I think if someone DOESN’T want to have sex with someone — then they shouldn’t. Period. Bodies don’t belong to other people, no one has a ‘claim’ on it. Buying someone dinner, spending money on them etc. is irrelevant. If you don’t want to do these things for a person than don’t do them if they aren’t coming from the heart. For example, you don’t give a Christmas gift only because you want to receive one back. That logic is very messed up. Staying with someone and ending up resenting them because they are not doing the things that you want, is ridiculous, just find someone who will do what you want then. Some of the rude comments on here make me glad I have not had sex with any guys. A lot of them don’t seem to get it; I don’t feel “entitled” to anyone else’s body or sexuality and neither should they.

  66. it is really true that making love is decision of two loving souls.
    and simply telling that losing virginity is one’s choice.

  67. Madamoiselle is a damned visionary. All you ‘perfect’ ladies (and even ‘perfect’ men) could learn something about from what she’s saying. I have family members who have gone through DIVORCE because of sexual incompatibility. Even with a child in the frame, somehow this “unimportant” factor (sex) still finds it’s way to rip people/families apart. Hop off your high horse and think about the REALITY of it.

  68. I am a 21yr virgin, i hav a boyfriend and sex hav never been our problem 4 2 years now.in my early days i made a promise 2 myself 2 hav sex after marriage,but i dont think i want my boyfriend 4 marriage, i want 2 quit but i think am going 2 hut him badly.

  69. Hi The 26-Year-Old Virgin

    I think it’s alright to stay virgin until u are ready to give it up and l am not just saying that because l am the same. I’m 25 and l still have mine but the difference is that l’m a guy.
    From Duafwol

  70. Alexanders problem is he’s a self proclaimed nice guy. Meaning he does all these nice things and then gets pissy he gets nothing back. Two things wrong with this.

    1) You shouldn’t do nice things in exchange for things you should do them because you love that person. If you give her gifts as currency for sex well not that i’m anti-escorts but that’s the more honest way of doing that particular transaction.

    2) You undermine what she does give you, you say she gives you attention or whatever, she probably gives you plenty of things but because they’re not what you want you don’t even appreicate them. People express love in different ways: gifts, gestures, acts and verbally. Maybe she shows her love with acts like washing the dishes for you and you show it with gifts so are failing to recognise what she gives cos it doesnt match your way. If she started buying you gifts i highly doubt you’d stop whining about no sex anyways, you dont want to recieve more you just want to recieve a soecific from her.

    Expecting things in return for your gifts or for doing nice things is creepy and disgusting ig you had a friend who let you cry on their shoulder when your mum died in the hopes you’d get help move their furniture round that’d be fucking creepy.

    I’m not A virgin far from it but i respect the fact that to some people it holds a lot of value and you ought to respect that too. Even now i am not a virgin i have sex when i feel comfortable and geuinely enjoy it not as a gift to a man. In fact the best sex is where you enjoy it and arent doing it to shut him up. As that’s disrespectful to you both. Pressuring her will make her want it less and start to have issues surounding sex and make her more uptight and scared over it anyways. Please do her a favor and leave her and be single until you’re ready for a woman.

  71. Im a 20 year old virgin. when I was little I loved the idea of abstinence till marriage. now I don’t know. Ive only ever dated 4 guys the current being my fourth. when we started going out he said he was happy to wait till i feel comfortable and even asked how long was an appropriate amount of time before proposing to someone. we have been dating 3 months now and started sleeping (no sex) together. I really love this guy and whilst neither of us are ready just yet. I don’t know if I would want to wait till marriage before we did. I don’t want to marry anyone. I’m also scared that if I was to actually say that to him I might scare him off. heck i’ve scared myself. I love him which of all the guys I’ve dated is a first. he makes me laugh, i feel safe when he’s around and he takes care of me when i’m ill. I just don’t know If it’s right to make him wait or even if i could wait for something that will be years before it happens. I don’t want to get married to someone Ive only known 3 months no matter how they make me feel.
    so if that made sense I’m confused and would appreciate any advice

  72. i am a 23 years old guy and a virgin. i cant even tell my frds am a virgin but i stil thinks girls out there are all not a virgin but i wish to date and marry a virgin. i have been dating dis girl for 2yrs but we talk abt sex but never had it but i think she is not a virgin. but it hard for me to ask her for sex. so i am comfused

  73. Well said, Felix.

    Sex is a precious thing and creates emotional ties and intimacy as well as physical. It’s extremely sensible to wait for at least some kind of commitment (or marriage) before sharing such a fragile but potentially wonderful, beautiful part of yourself.

  74. I am 24 and a virgin. currently have seen this one man three times on the weekly basis and have not mentioned anything about this. We haven’t kissed or anything. i just want to get to know him better and make sure we hangout as friends first. I believe making love is sacred and should be done in a committed monogamous relationship. Some people don’t believe in marriage so i think people should wait 6 months to a year before deciding whether they share their body with someone else. I have never dated anyone that long before.

  75. I have made every guy I’ve ever been wit sexually wait 6 months. I don’t regret sleeping with any guy I’ve ever been with because it enhanced a relationship that was already established. As the relationships continued to progress between the 1 & 2 year mark we realized that our dreams and hopes for our long term futures were not compatible, but because our relationship was based on friendship and not selfish self gratification ending the relationships seemed right because we truly wanted what was best for one another. I’ve been with 4 guys sexually, and this last one I think is the one and as of recent conversations about what ring I would like I am pretty sure he feels the same way.

    I feel your pain because I’ve also had guys pressure me and tell me if I loved them I wouldn’t make them wait that long. These guys had excellent qualities but they didn’t have the respect for me or the self-control. I always knew a guy loved me before I slept with him. I feel that each time was amazing because of the way it enhanced the relationship already there.

    And there are plenty of guys who wait. Most of my friends waited, and no not all of them are Christians, until they were engaged or married because they only wanted to be with one person. I don’t have THAT much self control and think 6 months was hard enough. Oh and the current guy is an atheist so their are plenty of guys even without any religious reasons willing to wait! And usually I have found those guys are more generous in bed too. All of the guys I’ve been with have been incredibly generous in comparison to what I hear from other friends who didn’t have guys who would wait. I think this is because it is about them feeling good and not about a two way relationship.

    Oh, and by the way. I’m work part time as a sex therapist. So I see lots of problems develop from couples who based their relationship on sex. Nothing is wrong with waiting as long as it isn’t a form of manipulating the guy.

  76. I think from both perspectives, male and female, different types of sex can create different types of emotions. Women who plan to wait need to be BEYOND clear about their mentality and make sure that the sexual aspect of the relationship, which people (especially virgins) need to realize plays a major role, should be out in the open and able to be discussed. In other words ladies, make sure you fully understand why you are waiting! Do not be vague about this topic, even to yourself, because you are not the only one in the relationship.

    So, if a man is waiting indefinitely that is a problem. He should know what her views on sex are. If those views are marriage, that is a given period and needs to be respected (whether or not it is the best decision considering marriage should come after full commitment, including understanding your partner’s sexuality, but that is just my opinion). If those reasons, however, are waiting for the right guy or waiting for a guy she trusts, then what does that say about how she looks at her current boyfriend? Women need to understand that they are (in general) more complicated than us men. Meaning, that women should stop feeling fear at some point, and take the leap already! If a woman is still skeptical of trust after, say, a year, then the guy needs to know that this is why she is still a virgin. She should also know that perhaps she is overly protective or maybe he is just not a trustworthy person.

    On the other hand, a guy needs to be mature enough to recognize whether his main reason for staying is just for the sex. If a guy is waiting and “putting up” with what he views as her negative qualities, than he needs to be real enough to end it on that note. Ideally, a guy should be waiting because her happiness and comfort is more important than sexual intimacy in the relationship. However, especially in the case of a virgin, the value of this sexual intimacy cannot be disregarded. Ejaculating in a woman’s hand or in her mouth is exactly what it is. Even guys can attest to this. The step from oral sex to actual sex adds much more entirety to the relationship.

    So virgins, REALIZE THIS. Realize that you have not had sex before and cannot even begin to understand what making love is like (if you disagree, then sorry, but you have not made love). You need to reflect and understand what it is you are waiting for, then reciprocate this fact back to your partner. Your reasons for waiting cannot be misunderstood for either person! There is another human being in the relationship and you must respect them as well. Making love is a beautiful thing, and you must recognize that you are depriving your male partner of this beauty and of your whole. If you want to wait, go for it, you probably should in most cases, but make sure you are a big girl and are waiting because of strength, not weakness.

  77. Better – find yourself a counsellor. It sounds like you have some massive self image issues that are keeping you from seeing the situation clearly – you’re not a “nice guy that doesn’t get any”, you’re a man in the wrong relationship for you right now, or a man in a relationship where he’s never felt courageous enough to reveal his full sexual desires and the extent of his frustration to his partner. What are you afraid of?

  78. I don’t think you’re a monster, or a bad person, or a sex addict. I think you’re a normal guy going through something most guys have gone through. Except that if you have tons of money to blow on her, you’re probably going through it later in life than a lot of guys. Too late in life, I’d say. Time to take control of your sex life, dude.

    You’re your own worst obstacle here. Find yourself a new woman. I guarantee that when you’re lying in bed with her post-sex, sweating and panding and still holding on to each other, all lovey-dovey and happy, Ms. Magic Locked Treasure Chest Panties won’t seem so special anymore.

  79. I didn’t feel like this at the beginning. Some or all of you guys think im some sort of monster. I do love the girl, If I didnt, I would of cheated along time ago. Its not like im a bad looking person. I think I look better than most. I’m that nice guy who doesn’t get any, thats all. I guess the issue here is the fact that im clearly addicted to sex. I understand that maybe the girl is just not ready to experience something new, knowing that its not gonna be fun. Resent her? well damn, I wish I wasn’t resenting her, wish I can change that. Trust me I dont want to be like this. Its just the way I feel.

    Maybe you’re right! one of yous xD, maybe I should break up with her if im feeling like this… I don’t want to, because I love her. I want Love, not sex, So I want to love someone and have sex… Feels better.

  80. Thank you, Johnny. And you are right. Alexander had complete control over his sex life. He chooses to have a “mate” (I use the word loosely) who chooses to manipulate him and he thinks, not only that her “giving herself” to him is what he wants, but will at the same time, make her less “classy.” Double Standard! Yeah, he has control. He chooses to put all women into one of the narrow slots of either “Whore” or “Madonna” when few of us are either. Also, as you and I both know, Johnny, women don’t “give themselves” to men. How much money he spends has nothing to do with it, attraction, self confidence, drive, willingness to leave stereotypes behind, and ability to enjoy oneself play into it. Sex is sharing. 🙂

    Thank you Graphite. You make a lot of sense. I think most of us saw the silly double standard in Alexander’s post (and his thinking) and that alone is the most strong reason he resents women and isn’t having sex. I don’t, and never did have sex with men who thinks it means something different to them as it does to me. Only with men who know sex is sharing, loving, intimate, rollicking good time. (and I do speak in the past tense, as as it its, I only have sex with my husband)

  81. No, wait, I do.

    “Make that Lady a better person than she is now (marry her)”
    Really? Women are better people when married?
    “It is not cool to leave your front doors open; because there will be nothing left in your house before you know it. Have understanding and only give yourself wholly to that great man of your house, who will admonish and respect and protect every bit of you, not by flattery or sweet words, luring to rob you, but by patience and endurance let him keep you.”
    Let me tell you a secret – you don’t “run out” of sex, the ability to have emotional intimacy or affection or connection, if you have sex with more than one man. You can have sex with more than one man over a lifetime and still be able to love each and every man you’re ever in a relationship with, with your whole heart. Love is not a commodity you run out of.
    And frankly, I’m not excited about a man who thinks it’s his duty to “admonish” me. That sounds not like the constructive criticism of a friend, but the voice of someone who wishes to impose their own moral code on me, and thinks it’s their place to train me like a wayward puppy.

    “If you truly love her, then what have you got to offer? Don’t tell me sex! That is receiving not offering!”
    Actually, no, sex is both offering and receiving, since I think you’ll find women often greatly enjoy having sex, not just men.

    “To love means to have something to offer; I personally don’t believe that a person will keep his/her virginity just to feel important, or because he/she is selfish; this is madness and sounds vain. Everyone who keeps his/her virginity truly keeps it for another (whom he/she values) and this is the fuel of love.”
    I have my personality to offer, my kindness and my intelligence and responsibleness and sense of humour. If a man values my virginity so much that he would turn down all these things because I don’t have it to “give” him, he has nothing good to offer me except a contrast to better men with better priorities.
    Oh, and some people stay virgins because they personally don’t feel ready for sex. You can be with the right person and still be unready. Virginity is one’s own, and it is one’s own business how one deals with it.

    “You don’t “make love” with a boyfriend/girlfriend; you “lay” with your boyfriend/girlfriend; I know to the modern this sounds the same, but these words are very opposite in meaning. To lay with somebody means to rob/deceive/lure/force them to give you their virginity for the pleasure of it; by so doing you’re no better than a robber. I am sorry to say that I have lost respect for most of the guys out there, because most of you are armed robbers.”
    You cannot steal something that is freely and joyously given or shared. No person who has consensual sex is stealing from the person they have sex with. Or wait, are you saying they’re stealing from the future husband of the woman? Does that mean, in your eyes, her virginity was never her own and she had no right to decide what to do with it? How infantilising.

    Oh, and do men just not have virginity?

  82. Alexander, you don’t love this woman, you resent her. You should probably break up with her and find someone who shares your attitude to sex rather than someone who’s still not ready for it. (By the way, if she’s reciprocating affection and emotional attention and she’s not ready for sex, you’re being kind of dim by thinking you can buy her readiness with “thousands of dollars” spent on her. That’s not how relationships or sexual maturation work.)

    Felix, dear lord, I don’t even know where to begin.

  83. Mml. L, I like your message of feminine sexual and emotional responsibility toward one’s partner, and I don’t like the sound of Alexander’s little lady, but I would say at the end of the day a person is responsible for his or her own happiness.

    The seduction community, which gets shit for being mysoginistic, actually forces guys to confront attitudes like alexander’s. It teaches men to stop blaming and hating women for thier own (the mens’ own) failings.

    He feels like he has no control over his sex life. He feels like it’s this fragile thing that SHE holds in the palm of her hand, and that enrages him.

    But of course he’s wrong. His sex life is in HIS hands. He has the power to leave and purue one that would make him happy.

    There are a million excuses why he won’t. I’ve heard them all, and I’ve occasionally made them myeslf. But the bottom line is, she’s not cheating him (although I’d guess that she’s probably not that nice to him). He’s cheating himself.

  84. Alexander, maybe you’re with the wrong woman. Six years? Whew! Don’t blame the entire female gender for this woman’s prudery and selfishness. But, ladies, THIS is how guys who think guys will “wait forever if they ‘love’ me” feel about the entire female gender. You might want to re-read his post and see if YOU want your man to think not only of YOU, but all of WomanKind like this, after you “make him wait” for the end of time to do what most people actually ENJOY doing.

    Felix; WTF? If I wanted a sermon, I’d go to Church. This is a SEX POSITIVE web site. You obviously don’t value sex as many here do. I don’t get ANYTHING else you have said besides this obvious point of your rave.

    This Site is changing, ladies. Really. *sigh*

  85. Alexander, there are terms for everything you’re going through, which, while extraordinarily dorky, are highly descriptive of and relevant to your frustrating dilemma. One of them is “supplication”. I suggest you do a little research. You’ll find clear answers to your problems.

    Not that you’ll necessarily like the answers you find. Good advice is often hard to hear.

  86. Felix… that was beautiful! 🙂

    Alexander, you sound like a ‘real’ prize… NOT. You’re obviously not looking for true love. True love consists of knowing somebody and loving them FOR THEM, and still being there and doing anything for them. That includes waiting for her to open up while loving/nurturing her.

    Nobody asked you to buy her gifts. Oh, and you shouldn’t be complaining about how you’re not ‘recieving’ anything in exchange. If you truly loved her… you wouldn’t EXPECT anything in exchange. GET OVER YOURSELF. Break up with her, move to another state, and get a whore of a girlfriend to satisfy your egotistical ways.

  87. If god made us Equal, why the &^$# do women get to be so selfish? I Spend Thousands of dollars on this girl! I treat her like a princess, I was always there, I NEVER, Not Once got anything in return but affection, and emotional attention, which I also return back.

    Why must us men give the full package up front, while to woman gives like 30% of the package? like isn’t that selfish?

    I love this girl so much, we been together 2 years now, and I’ve been waiting. I am slowly beginning to pressure her a little. Nice guys finish last right?

    Guys have feelings also, we also wonder if a girl is the one to have their kids with. Seriously!

    Sometimes I feel like I’m not worth her virginity. What, Im not worth her 100% Then you know what, she’s not worth being treated like a 100% princess.

    Ladies, Trust me, its hard for us men to wait, but we do it anyway. Its not our fault. Trust me, the guys who would wait 5 years? They are feeling the same way as me, they just too nice to express their feelings because they don’t want to be an asshole. Trust me, they jerking off every night, or paying a prostitute to get relieved. wacking off is most likely tho.

    If you don’t feel comfortable after the first year, why the hell are you still with the guy? Don’t waste your time, Dont waste our time. What if we wait 6 years, we finaly get some sex… 1 year after she dumps you… How would you think the guy would feel? and what do you think you have created? I gaurentee that the new girlfriend will have a little pressure. Women Create Assholes. No one wants to finish last! and Yeah Im bitter, because clearly im not worth her fuckin virginity…

    Welp, I’m about to meet up with her, gotta put on my geeky lookin fake smile like everything is perfect. She won’t notice, have been doing it for the past 3 months.

  88. I’m a male and will also air my views. I strongly believe that sex is a wonderful gift from God; it is something so precious we cannot just share with anybody, it defeats the whole purpose. I will correct a few misconceptions;

    You don’t “make love” with a boyfriend/girlfriend; you “lay” with your boyfriend/girlfriend; I know to the modern this sounds the same, but these words are very opposite in meaning. To lay with somebody means to rob/deceive/lure/force them to give you their virginity for the pleasure of it; by so doing you’re no better than a robber. I am sorry to say that I have lost respect for most of the guys out there, because most of you are armed robbers.

    To “make love” is also to “know” someone. This might sound a bit vague, but spare me your ears for a moment. To know someone in love terms, is to understand the value and worth of the person, to know them by “heart” not just by sight or feelings. It is also to have established or fixed in the mind or memory the true worth of the person. No human being was created for pleasure; a human being is not an object for satisfaction, or a thing so to speak. We enjoy things but we add value to humans!

    To love means to have something to offer; I personally don’t believe that a person will keep his/her virginity just to feel important, or because he/she is selfish; this is madness and sounds vain. Everyone who keeps his/her virginity truly keeps it for another (whom he/she values) and this is the fuel of love. To the virtuous women on this blog, I humbly praise you, for the path you have chosen leads to life, joy, gladness and many more! Keep your virginity!

    Let the wise hear my words; when two people who have kept themselves for each other meet, a fire is lit which burns to eternity, there’s no shame in their nakedness and truly they come to taste true love. These are people who have something to offer not to receive.

    A lady must be honored, a price must be paid, for her worth is more than rubies and gold, there’s no precious thing to be compared onto her.

    My advice to the ladies out there;

    It is not cool to leave your front doors open; because there will be nothing left in your house before you know it. Have understanding and only give yourself wholly to that great man of your house, who will admonish and respect and protect every bit of you, not by flattery or sweet words, luring to rob you, but by patience and endurance let him keep you.

    My advice to my fellow men;

    We don’t run around like beasts when we’re hungry, seeking food to devour, but we put our bodies under subjection, until we are in the right place, seated and the right food is set before us; even then, we take our time to eat, so that we may enjoy the food thoroughly.
    If you truly love her, then what have you got to offer? Don’t tell me sex! That is receiving not offering!

    Make that Lady a better person than she is now (marry her), don’t tear her apart and please don’t use her to your own shame.

    God bless!

  89. I myself am a 21-year old virgin, simply because I honestly haven’t had much dating experience and so haven’t even had the opportunity to “find the right guy,” though I can’t see myself having casual sex right now or even right away after getting in a relationship. Personally, I’d want to have sex with someone whom I’m really intimate with emotionally, in a committed relationship where we both love and RESPECT each other. I have no delusions about “Mr. Right,” and agree that anyone could probably be happy with several different people (no one’s perfect, and meeting your partner is based on chance and location as much as anything else). But for some people, self included, sex as a purely physical act holds little appeal, and there’s nothing wrong with that–just as there’s nothing wrong with casual sex either, as long as both partners are consenting and know that it’s just sex and nothing more.

    If you want to wait because you feel you’re not ready, that’s the right reason to wait. And if your partner really cares about you, they’ll want to do it with you when YOU’RE ready, not because you feel guilty about making them wait (if they keep pushing you, then they really don’t care). If they REALLY care about you, how could they take pleasure from having sex with you if you’re somewhat unwilling and not really committed? I have a friend who started off really physical with her ex-boyfriend, and it was a mistake. She was a totally inexperienced in relationships and sex, and he had a bad reputation for sleeping around; she tried to give him a chance despite his reputation, but he really just wanted in her pants. And all this was pretty obvious from the get-go: whenever they were physically intimate, he would keep pushing to go further and further, even though she had already told him “No” the past time, he just kept pushing, and eventually, they did have sex. Everyone has sexual needs, OBVIOUSLY, but that’s like saying everyone needs to eat! It can’t always come first, not if you really care.

    On the other hand, if you’re making your partner wait just as a test of their feelings, then maybe you’ve already confirmed your suspicions–you DON’T trust them, so even if you feel ready (and maybe with someone you did trust and love you already would), you wouldn’t want to do it with them–and at that point, the relationship is over anyway. It’s more a sign of lack of trust than a sign of not being ready for sex, and without trust and respect there IS no relationship.

    While I agree that sex is obviously an important part of a relationship, it is only *A* part, and not necessarily the most important one. My uncle married his wife for sex, basically, and she’s crazy and makes his life a living hell–clearly not the only factor you should use in judging someone as a life partner. It’s really great if you can maintain a physical relationship later on in life, but obviously those initial feelings of intense passion abide over time, and for the relationship to persist it has to be based on something deeper than physical attraction or compatibility (for that you might as well just indulge in one night stands and forget the hassle of commitment). Sex is an amazing experience, whether as a purely physical experience or as an emotional one, and also a risky one (both physically and emotionally), so either way it shouldn’t be taken lightly. By seriously considering your readiness for sex, when you do finally feel ready, it will be a testament of your love and will mean all that much more.

  90. yOU SHOULD stay with what you believe and wait until your ready. If a guy your dating wont wait , then he probably wasnt worth giving your virginity to. However if your not waiting for marriage , you dont know what your missing lol

  91. Hi! I don’t know if you are still reading these posts but I thought I would comment. I am nineteen yr old girl and have been dating someone for two years and I am still a virgin. He is not a virgin, has only had sex once with someone before we dated. I have chosen not to have sex because I wouldnt feel right doing that, since it is a bonder, until I am 100% sure I will be with this person for the rest of my life, I don’t do well with emotional pain, and I know if we ever broke up then it would be that much harder since we had sex. So that is something to think about, and also…I 100% believe that if a guy loves you, truly loves you he will respect and honor your desires and feelings. Don’t ever let ANYONE boy or girl tell you that you owe them anything!!!! He should be nice to you and treat you well because he cares for you not because he is looking for something in return. I am a sophomore in college and sooo many times I meet girls who are in relationships or are “hooking-up” with people and they don’t understand why they get treated like shit. If you don’t respect yourself and stick up for what you believe and give into everything, why should someone respect you or believe that you have anything to offer him in the long run. My point is, don’t give up hope. And besides it is better to keep your dignity and keep looking for a ten than settle for a five and loose your self only to avoid being alone!

  92. Frank, you “want to meet some girls with class for a change.” Then you resort to using what you consider insults to describe women? Do you think there is a connection to your not “being able to meet” any girls you think are “classy” and the fact that you obviously think of women as “whores” and “sluts?”

    I think you will be waiting forever, until you start to realize women are human, and that enjoying sex, for a man or a woman doesn’t mean one isn’t “classy.”

    Good luck finding what doesn’t exist. It’s guys like you who are single until they are 46 years old and still can’t figure out “what is wrong with all these women?” When a mirror would give the best answer to that.

  93. Hiii!
    I think that it’s amazing you’ve waited so long to have sex. I think that sex is a beautiful thing and that you should never let yourself get to a point where you don’t feel comfortable nor safe. Your virginity is sacred please don’t forget that. Your virginity is nothing to take for granted and I think you should save it for someone you love and trust. You are a beautiful, respectable, decent woman that doesn’t deserve to feel any less than what you are so please cherish your position and your self. I lost my virginity at a very young age and have ever since thought of sex as being very casual when I know in my heart it is far from. All the best for you!

  94. hello im writing this post and maybe its late to comment but having been the guy in a similar circumstance i thought i could shed some light. I have been with my girlfriend for a long time. itll b 6years in dec. my girlfriend was a virgin when i went out with her and as a guy i thought that was incredible i truly was (and still am)in luv with her. She was not easy to get intimate with lol. anyway what im trying to say is there are amazing guys out there if you wait and look carefully, i never ever pressured my girlfriend into anything we had fun and truly liked being with each other for me that was enough all though i had to take alot of cold showers lol. well we recently made love this year. THATS RIGHT!!!!! I waited 5 1/2 years for sex!!!!! but you knw what it was well worth the wait. Hang in there youll find someone. No respect=No future

  95. You are awesome and you should wait for marriage. No one respects whores, we as men just use them and laugh about them with our friends. I would love to meet a woman with some class for a change and any guy that tells u different is full of it. Sluts are a dime a dozen and no one respects them.

  96. It’s not really the fact that men don’t respect you, it’s that you also have to respect his feelings. Of course, if the guy your dating really loves you, he’ll tell you that he’ll wait any amount of time for you, but that’s when you have to step in and realize that he loves you and is willing to wait for you so that you should be willing to give in to him and have sex, or make love.

  97. So you got no religious views over sex? So, pretty much your wanting a guy to trust you, when your not giving him the full package in a relationship? Its not about sex, its about how selfish you are. A Guy is also wanting to feel safe around you, but from that post I find it ok that your a virgin, but I am sure a few of these guys you let go were possible amazing people. Humans have a need, and when someones saying ” No you cannot have sex” and its not because of my religious views, and they been dating you for months, and treat you like a god and get nothing in return? Yeah its insulting. Your snatch aint that good.

  98. Stephen wrote: “Beware of ‘experienced’ women telling you it is no big deal – it is a big deal”.

    Afraid of experienced women?

  99. While I can see everyone’s points and understand where they are coming from, I also wish so suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be trying to prove someone who doesn’t agree with our opinions wrong, but simply telling them what we believe. I find it very offensive when someone tries to convince me I’m wrong on an issue that is purely based on opinion. There is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma. Do what you choose. You are you, not someone else. You can’t force anyone else to believe what you do. They have to want to.
    Now that I’ve finished my little tolerance rant… I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to take my sins away and there is nothing you can do to change the way I feel about that. So don’t try. Given my religious beliefs, I also believe that God wants His people to wait until marriage for sex. You can disagree all you want but that it what I believe.

  100. I must add this is only my experience and that maybe that are people out there who are meant for each other that they have absolutely no sexual issues.But i do believe it is so rare that most of us have to kiss many frogs before we find the right one.I prefer waiting on him.

  101. Well first i must say i agree with all of you! Everyone has right in their own way…Me i am a 19 year old virgin girl and recently i had a short affair with this guy who was convincing me that first time is no big deal and that we should do it.I gave him a blow job but afterwards he wouldn’t want to return a favor! And when he got down to me with his fingers i enjoyed and felt like i want more but still didn’t come, while i made him come- almost twice! This selfishness made me realize that i shouldn’t go and that it’s good that i didn’t go till the end with the guy cause it only goes to show he was interested in himself and his pleasure and he doesn’t care much about mine.I am not the kind of virgin who wouldn’t give in to anything sexual but for that final thing i believe it’s worth waiting cause in one night stands and similar ‘combinations’ when a guy and a girl doesn’t know each other all too well one side (and it’s usually a female one) ends up feeling hurt, used , abandoned.A guy who didn’t meet your basic needs, your wishes, your body, mind, you , can’t really know what you like and therefore can’t make you happy! You’ll know when you’re ready, you’ll feel when it’s the right time and a right person but before that don’t do anything you’ll regret about later.Maybe i a end up being 26 a still a virgin but at least i know what i deserve and how much i worth and how much a guy should wait till he has me! Yes, sex IS a big deal and is not something you’d do just like that on the 1st date and especially not the first time you have it! cause it will have an effect on each experience you have later on.It’s psychology – people learn from experience; sometimes good, sometimes bad.And if it’s a bad one, believe me or at least people who said from their own experience it caused them a lot of trouble to regain trust in love once they lost it.

  102. I am a 29 year old experienced man dating a 24 year old virgin. I am actually really enjoying myself with my girlfriend while at the same time find myself wanting to wait for the magic moment. In a way, I feel like I am a virgin again. It’s really nice to share this moment with my girlfriend. I think that we need to remember that sex is about sharing. If it is ever a one sided experience, then somebody will be left unsatisfied or experience longing.
    So we had several talks and intimate moments except for having full intercourse. Now we are both having a great experience with the whole anticipation process. I might be enjoying it a bit more because to be frank, am used to having sex by or after the third date. Soft and gentle is the way to go. Don’t be selfish with your needs. Try to create an equal wavelength between you. Don’t give or take too much. Enjoy the process. I hope this helped somebody.
    aha, even though she said “i want you to be the first man i have” that doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. I need to be patient and understanding. Love making is chemistry. a lovely chemical it is…

  103. Im an 18 year old girl just come out of an serious relationship because i am completely in love with somebody my own age im not a virgin but he is we’ve made out but cant seem to take things further weve been with each other like 2 months would it be right for me to ask or should i just keep on waiting ??

  104. We waited just over a year until we had sex. I’m 23 now and it happened just after my 22nd birthday. My boyfriend is a year younger than me and while he was not a virgin, he hadn’t had sex within a real relationship. While we did do other things within the year of going out, he completely respected my decision to wait until it felt right and never pressured me in any way to do anything I didn’t want to do.

    I was in a similar situation to you in that while I didn’t necessarily want to wait til marriage I did want to wait until it felt right, until I was in love.

    There are good men still out there. And I completely believe you can find someone who will wait for you. One tip though, make sure you talk about it. Even though we weren’t having sex we talked about it heaps and made sure we were both completely comfortable before we did it. It sounds so cliche, but communication is vital!

    Goodluck with your search! 😀

  105. Before I say anything: I am only 19 and the guys I am dealing with were raised to be pretty open, horney, and willing to give up a v-card like a bad habit.

    I hate to break it to you, but you might be shit out of luck as far as finding a good guy. It seems like good guys who aren’t already virgins are NOT willing to wait at all. I am in college and sex isn’t such a deal, but I was surprised to see that once a guy found out a girl was a virgin, she was not only quickly walked away from, but a certain invisible force field was placed around her and no one would even think of hooking up with her. The thing is that no one wanted to so to speak “take one for the team” and make her available.

    I repeat that I am probably around a completely different culture of men than you are looking for. However, I would guess that if the guys you are finding were in college once and are not still virgins…they might be the same way.

    Honestly my best advice for you would be to find yourself a virgin.

    Don’t give it up to anyone though, you are worth it for the right guy, and i DO believe he IS out there. I wish I had mine back even though I gave it to the right person at that time.

    No hard feelings.

  106. Okay, I’m a little irritated at the attitude here. You’re allowed to be however you want sexually, UNLESS what you want to do is wait?

    You can have your ‘test drive’ idea all to yourselves. Yes, it takes more hard work, communication, and a deeper set of attachments, but you can stay in a relationship without having sex.

    I’m a 20 year old virgin, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years, and I can tell you this without a doubt in my mind: He is a caring, attentive lover with only my needs at heart.

    How do I know that? Because guys who selfish sexually are selfish in other areas too. You’re not going to marry a guy who loves you, respects you, and does his utmost to make you happy only to discover Whoops! He’s a selfish, inconsiderate sexual partner!

    I agree that there are a lot of differences in sex drive from person to person, and a lot of off-the-wall desires. But believe it or not, if you trust each other, you’ll be willing to discuss them. If your partner divulges that they hate giving oral sex and require you to play a song on the trumpet before every go round, you’re not going to be surprised when it happens.

    I don’t care what any of you do behind closed doors with willing partners, but don’t mistake a sexual relationship as a substitute for good communication. Not everything needs to be learned through experience, and some of us actually want to wait. And not just because we’re selfish, ice-cold virginal flowers who secretly want our partners to suffer.

    (P.S. Believe it or not, I do have an active, healthy sex drive, and so does he. We are also very physically attracted to each other, but we deal with it. Also, inb4 “You can’t possibly know anything about his sexual habits until you experience intercourse with him”. And may I add: “Wahh!”.)

  107. I lost my v card b4 i met the girl i am with and she still has hers. She don’t hate me for it but i kinda don’t like the fact i did it b4 i met her. we have ben togethr for a year and she knows how to turn me on and in vise versa BUT we havn’t gone all the way. It doesnt bother me because sex is not everything. some people may think it is but its not. I think that if more girls and guys wated then ths world wouldn’t be so over populated but anymore you hav 13-16 year olds who are having kids left and right and its rediculous. once you are out of high school its not as bad because you arn’t under your parents roof but i think people should still w8. like i said i realy regret lossing myn but you can’t change the pasat i guess.

  108. My husband and I were dating for 15 months before we got engaged, which was another 21 months. He didn’t seem to have any trouble waiting. (He was 26 when we got married).

  109. hi am haidy i meet aboy how is so quite and hot i think that iam in love with him but he is always speak about sex i want do sex witn u if u do with me i will be your dog and idon’t like thise because iam sure if i do thise with him we will not be together again pleaaase i need help

  110. Madamoiselle L
    love your comments… any chance you’ve got a younger sister who’s single?
    you have the kind of relationship i’ve always wished to have.

  111. Though most guys are anxious and curious to have sex, I strongly feel they should let girl become comfortable first. I would myself like to feel safe and secured and not pushed into having sex. I agree with Sara’s story that girls often trust their man and dream of forever relation and trus and give up for their man. And once the guy gets what he wanted, he disappears and all those chocolate talks are vanished.

  112. I didn’t have the time to read all of the comments, but I figured I would share the little input that I do have on this subject. I recently lost my virginity just about 2 months ago. I’m 20 years old and I’m pretty much the last of my friends to have sex. The guy that I lost it to and I have been casually and nonexclusively dating for the past 2 years extremely on and off. The first time we broke it off was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. He assumed that I was not a virgin and thought that I was being a tease, so I ended it because I figured he was not worth it. We started dating and hooking up again every now and then after he apologized and basically was able to convince me that he truly did care about me, but after some time he started talking about how badly he wanted to have sex with me and I started to consider the idea because he seemed like he really had changed and he was aware of how important it meant to me. He promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me, and that he certainly wouldn’t take my virginity then be done with me, which I told him was my biggest fear about losing my virginity. Anyway– we ended up having sex and it was a great night and he assured me that he really cared about me. However, it’s been 2 months since that night and he no longer talks to me and I have not seen him once. SOOOOO… clearly I was fooled by him, but I just want to put it out there, that some people really don’t ever change regardless of how good they are at acting like they have.

  113. Well, just as a little encouragement… My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we started dating. He was ready to have sex long before I was but never brought it up or pressured me. Long story short, we were dating about a year and a half before we had sex. We have been together about 4 years so we’ve been having sex about 2 1/2, and I can honesty say…I feel like my sexual experiences have been very different than those of most of my girlfriends. Sex for me has always been associated with love, and while it’s always been physically pleasurable, it has been so wonderful because we love each other so much and have shown it through our dedication to/patience with each other. I certainly see merit in having multiple sexual partners and experiencing different things in your youth, but only having one sexual partner has been beautiful for me and my boyfriend because sex has been so much more than just “sex”. For those who argue about sexual compatability, I don’t know, maybe I have a skewed view because me and my bf clicked really well sexually, but I don’t think that was “chance”…I think it was more because we loved each other so much, we made sex work. So I wouldn’t worry too much about waiting awhile and then the sex being bad…if people love each other, the sex will be enjoyable. Anyway, the point of my ramblings is basically to say, I know there are guys out there who are willing to wait, and if this is important to you (as it seems it is) I encourage you to stand up for what you want. “How long” is really up to you…how long it takes until you’re ready, and a good guy will be willing to wait however long that as.

  114. Same thing is happening to me right now, cause anytime i visit my boyfriend that is the main thing he is dieing for i.e. sex, which I as a 24 yr old is not ready to give! I want it to be for my husband and not my boyfriend! But now I am fed up, cause I am thinking maybe he just wanna have sex with me and tht is it!

  115. hi. 🙂 before i lost my virginity at the age of 17, i also thought of waiting for the right time. but then a boy came into my life. we were best friends, and have totally different point of views. he had all the experience, and i, on the other hand, don’t have a single idea. so several months passed, we fell inlove with each other and we talked about “it”.

    i can say that NO, i didnt give in. it was not an obligatory thing or something. it was scary at first, we tried several times before we finally did it. we lay at each other naked, but just kisses and hugs, then progressed to more intimacy.. and finally we did it. and it was fun. and fulfilling.

    sex is really a “sharing” of feelings and experience. i am committed to him and he is committed to me. i can see him as my husband in the future. i am 19 now and the past 2 years have been the greatest so far. sometimes i even feel that he is more committed than i am. and that is such a blessing. i love him 🙂

    wait if you really would like to, but not just because of beliefs. sometimes, those beliefs are bent. sex is a scary thought at first. but it will go away if you find a committed partner. plus, it makes life exciting 🙂

  116. One more thing, and then I’ll shut up. Quote of the Week for me, from stephen.

    “Beware of ‘experienced’ women…”

    Yes, we are the women your mama warned your about….(eye roll)

    runs into the other room to check the calendar to make sure she hasn’t fallen into Rip in the Space Time Continuum which has transported her 60 or 70 years or more into the past….nope, still 2010……WTF?

  117. Brigit, WHERE did I mention “orgies?” (See how the uninformed think. Not a virgin? You must be attending “orgies.” Quite a jump. )

    You also made some weird comments about relationships “based on sex” and how these won’t last “Sex fades after some years and if that is what your relationship is built on then your relationship is going to fade as well” REALLY? You KNOW this? How?

    My Man and I have been together for over 25 years, the last few decades, in a monogamous relationship. Sex is one of the pillars of our relationship. I am not anywhere near 60, but he’s 50 years old. Neither of us is “afraid to have sex” because one of us will “break a hip” (really? I’m actually laughing here.) and in the past 25 years our love has only grown stronger, and our sex life has strengthened what we had, originally, as a basis, years ago, by USING it.

    As it stands, we make love now more than when I was in my teens. Decades later, a relationship that was at one point an Open one (meaning we saw other people, yes even had sex with them, as I was too young to commit, marry or even engage and I needed to finish college as well as both of us sowing some Wild Oats.) is stronger than ever. We didn’t “tire” of sex, in fact, as we got older, it got better, more frequent and more……interesting. Our experiences with other made it better, and neither of us is moving on or getting bored.

    I said NOTHING against a healthy, long term monogamous relationship. NEVER! (Considering that is what I have now, and have had for many many years.) All I said was that the outdated, antiquated idea of the Virginal Bride being the secret to a successful marriage is usually false and misogynist as well as miso-andrist, and that women, healthy, adult women, enjoy sex just as much as healthy adult men, and usually WANT IT as much as men. And that “waiting until the wedding night” and going into the marriage clueless and fumbling does *nothing* to ensure a long term, monogamous relationship.

    Experience, courage, love of experimentation, and Love itself will ensure that. I also said that those of of who have Been There have been in both places, all of us who HAVE sex were once virgins, so we CAN relate, yet the Virgins have never been IN a sexual relationship, so they CANNOT see, nor understand what we do, nor feel what we do, nor predict what will happen in an adult, mature relationship. They have never had one, so their “predictions” are moot.

    Wait a minute….did you mention cows….and milk…..and…..farmers?

    (Mademoiselle runs from the room rending her garments……)

  118. stephen, you make the assumption that women don’t like or want sex, that they only have sex when “under pressure” and that having sex is “a surrender.” You are wrong.

    You also present us with an outdated and unfair Double Standard for women. According to YOU, men are allowed “a guy….who has gotten past his adolescent fling and now waits for a virtuous woman.” Huh? It’s OK for men to have “flings” and THEN, after he’s done, what, “banging hos” it’s fine for him to NOW want “a virtuous woman” for his final one? WTF?

    It’s the 21st Century. Ideas such as women only having sex due to “pressure” and men getting experienced at sex, while “virtuous” women wait in the wings until the men are done playing and fucking around to choose them for their virginal brides went out with whale bone corsets and button shoes. Those days are long gone, and best forgotten.

    No, a good man won’t “pressure” a woman to “do what she doesn’t want to do.” Most good, mature GROWN women already WANT to do it….no pressure needed. Come join the present, OK?

  119. Scanning these comments, I find regret among the honest ones who have given in to pressure and given up their virginity. It is a good and honorable thing to reserve the final surrender of your body to the man you marry, or at least the one who wants commitment and respects your body. I hope you find a guy who has waited, or at least one who has gotten past his adolescent fling and now waits for a virtuous woman. I hope you can hold onto what you have that so many others lack. Beware of ‘experienced’ women telling you it is no big deal – it is a big deal. If a guy really loves you, he will not pressure you to do that which you don’t want to do.

  120. I am an 20 y/o virgin male, I have strong Christian values, and I am also waiting for marriage. My last gf was not a virgin, which really hurt me, My ideal relationship is when both of us are virgins, and are married. It’s very hard to find women with the same ideals of marriage as me.

  121. ^^ Bridget, there are plenty of healthy emotional and rational reasons to reserve one’s first sexual experience for a “special” partner. I don’t think Mml. L would suggest that all virgins are just plain wrong.

    Unfortunately, the “wait for sex” attitude IS powerfully correlated with:

    1. misinformation
    2. negative view of sex
    3. madonna/whore complex
    4. delusion/Disney fantasy
    5. misogyny/misandrony
    6. body image issues

    Maybe none of those things apply to you personally. Plenty of virgins simply want to share their first time with a caring parnter.

    But the problems I listed ARE pervasive and damaging (not just to those virgins themselves) and I can’t blame Mml. L for feeling strongly about it.

  122. Madmoiselle L,

    I must respond to your post as I completely disagree. You are equating everyone with a give or take stance. However, I think you will find that most virgins (including myself) want more of the sharing aspect of it. It is not me giving to him and him taking but rather we are enjoying each other’s bodies/hearts and minds. The fact is that you are sharing something special with someone when you give away yourself to them, regardless if it is the first time or the 500th time. Each time you are sharing yourself with another human being. Personally, for myself, I want someone to enjoy it with me and respect what we are doing and not just be another one night stand. I don’t know what world you are coming from but most men (slippery slope, I know), will just want to sample the the milk and leave the cow out in the middle of the field the next day if you catch my drift. This is fine if you want something like that but for those of us who have waited, we have waited for a reason. I want my sex to be sharing of just more than a body. And let’s face the reality, male or female, most of the time people just want to be fucked. End of story. It is obvious that the virgins that are posting here have waited for something more than that.

    You cannot disagree that there is a difference between a one night stand fuck and making love in a committed relationship (though it doesn’t have to be making love all the time). In fact, your idea of ‘casual sex’ is just as antiquated as what you call the ‘victorian’ ideas that Marcus said. Just look back at the ancient Romans (predating the Victorians, obviously) who had orgies in bath houses. So please don’t label one’s ideas as being ‘old-fashioned’ as yours are as well. What you have to admit is we live in a culture and society that is about instant gratification and moving on from person to person. We can have that more abundantly than ever before due to our media and technological advances. Obviously there are some of us who prefer to have something more than just a casual fuck and there is NOTHING wrong with waiting. And yes, a guy can wait just as a girl can wait. If you want to not play on the sexual bias, then we can say that it is just as easy for men to wait as women and therefore each can wait if they so choose.

    And yes sex is a BIG part of it but to say that it is the MAIN component is throughly asinine. Sorry, but true. Once you are in your 60’s the sex isn’t like what it was in your 20’s and if a relationship is built on sex, then you have two old strangers who are no too afraid to fuck because they might break a hip. I have seen so many marriages (just as you claim to have seen only on the opposite spectrum) fail because they were based on sex. Guess what? Sex fades after some years and if that is what your relationship is built on then your relationship is going to fade as well and he or she will move on to the next person who tickles their fancy. It’s nice that you have your own opinions but saying “THIS IS THE 21ST CENTURY BLAH BLAH BLAH AND YOUR IDEAS ARE DUMB AND ANTIQUATED” are ridiculous because your idea of casual sex are JUST as archaic. It is that thought of “Oh, let me have x amount of partners and test drive the car” that has gotten the world into such an STD filled dilemma that it is.

    You also said “Of course, sexual partners often learn from each other, but it is difficult to change your basic drive, or engave in activities you do not enjoy just because you feel like you SHOULD.” I know what I like and you said basically the same thing. People know what their basic drive is. I know I could not live without oral sex, and so that is my priority. I can talk to my guy and tell him about it and he can tell me his fantasies and fetishes and what makes him hard. It’s about SHARING as you said and you can share ideas in more than just acting on it. Also, you lump all virgins together saying we all want to wait for marriage. Yes, that would be ideal but I want to be IN LOVE with the person and have a committed relationship with them and they with me. That is what I ask and I am 23 years old.

    Who says we have to have sex out of obligation? As far as I read, NO ONE said anything about that. I will have sex because I want it, not out of obligation for anyone. And what if you just fuck someone to fuck them? What have you gained? An orgasm, maybe? Being with someone for that period or duration? The experience? Please, that’s such bullshit. You can experience it with someone you’ve waited for and be with them in a more meaningful way and you’ll have more of a connection than just a one night stand. You’ll have more opportunity to come than just a one night stand or a fuck buddy, etc.

    So, just as my thoughts don’t work with you…your thoughts do not work with me or these people who have waited. WHO are you to say that we will not have fulfilling, honest, mature relationships. You don’t know us at all nor what could happen. That would be like me saying you’ll never have anything meaningful or deep at all because you believe in casual sex and fucking whomever. Awfully presumptuous of you and it’s not so nice when turned the other way, now is it?

    And let’s face it, most of the time if you jump in the sack with the guy (or girl) in the first 45 minutes, it will not be meaningful and he won’t care. You were nothing but a fuck to him and he won’t remember your name in the morning. You’re giving yourself away to someone who you wouldn’t even let use your toothbrush, more than likely. That is not respect, either. So, I fail to see how anyone gains anything out of that except for an STD.

    To answer the person’s original question, there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right guy. I have had offer after offer but I just can’t fuck someone who I don’t have some meaningful and long lasting connection with. I just can’t. I want to wait for the right guy (not PERFECT, mind you, just someone who I love deeply and they me). It is not something you should be ashamed of and good on you for waiting it out. It shows that you care about your emotional health and well-being and have more on your mind than just your body or think that the main component of a relationship is sex. Ask any married couple or serious couple and they will tell you this isn’t true. You’ll find someone to appreciate you just how you are and will wait for you. Just keep being who you are.

  123. After reading everyone’s opinions, i have realized that they have truly helped me. I have just turned 20 and have come upon the decision of wanting to wait or just to take a chance. I believe that To build a strong realtionship, it must be based on love, trust, and honesty. I believe that sexual plesure should be formed from the love of the two people. Although, hormones cause us to think and act like this, oh and of course sin. I believe that it is nice to wait until marriage for two reasons.

    1St reason: God said in his Word to wait until mariage because sex is only fit for that time in two people’s lives. If we as His chosen people would like to build a strong realtionship with the Lord Jesus Christ, we must follow his commandmets first.

    2nd reason: To me, by waiting top have sex until marriage, gives you enough time to build that loving realationship. It helps you to choose what is the right time and the right person. Not all relationships or marriages will work out perfectly or how you planned, bu

  124. I lost my virginity at age 14.I was so horny and excited.But penetration was too brusque for her and I ejaculated in two minutes. It was dissapointing, and not at all satisfying, specially for her. I was too young. After learning more about sex, I had sex time afterwrds with much better results:lovingly, previously exciting my gf and learning to think how I should make her have pleasure in the act, and not thinking only about me, or about her as a sex object, and then sex became extremely exciting and pleasurable, because she felt a lot of pleasure which heightened my own . Now it is wonderful; always with condoms and certainly no promiscuity.

  125. From my experience, I would come to the conclusion that all sex serves as is to complicate relationships. At 21, I have had three relationships and we thought we were deeply in love the whole time, but after we had sex, things started to change. The first one wanted it all the time, the second one was not ready at all, and the third one was the most normal but we started to fight much more and within a few months, all the relationships failed.

    As of now, I have decided to wait to get to know the person on the most personal levels before I have sex with them. To answer the poster’s question, yes, there are guys out there who will wait for you. Most of them have probably learned from experience, sadly. If a man really loves you for who you are, they will wait for you and respect you and not cheat on you, etc. I just hope you find that person some day.

    Good luck, 🙂

  126. I saw someone everyday for four wonderful months. I loved him and thought I was special to him, so I wanted him to be my first. Immediately after, he tells me he is so dissapointed with me and all but treats me like nothing and eventually discards me. Later I heard about him being with a prostitute during those four months. I thought I was sure then, but I know now that before I invest the most intimate part of me, heart and body, with someone I will be committed and wearing a ring. just my experience.

  127. Marcus, as I have said countless times before, Victorian ideas like the ones YOU have expressed are not common the majority of men.

    MANY men, GOOD men have SHARED sex with women and everyone is respected. Why would a man “lose respect” for a woman with whom he has had sex with?

    WHO thinks like this?

    Again, it’s the “sex as a commodity” bullshit, antiquated, clueless idea of men “taking” and women “giving” and THAT, my friend will make any relationship, marriage or not, be unbalanced, unfair, prejudiced, chauvinistic, and ridiculous.

    Why would a man “disrespect” a women who has sex with him more than she would “disrespect” a man who “gave” her sex? Neither is true, in healthy people.

    It’s sharing. Not something one person “GIVES” to an other. When one sees sex as a “gift” or see the first sex act ever as “losing something” (when it is really GAINING something) people who use sex as a way to get other things (“I’ll keep my little Princess legs crossed, make this jack ass wait until I get that ring, or that coat, or a new car. I’ll make that sucker PAY for what he wants to ‘do to me.'”) and see sex as something only ONE person in the dyad enjoys, then sex will NEVER bee healthy or mature for these people, and they will never find a mature, healthy, and workable relationship.

    DO YOU WANT a woman who only has sex out of a sense of obligation to you? HOW could that be enjoyable? You think it’s “attractive” for you to be duped and to be kept in sexual limbo?

    Sheesh. I really thought by the 21st Century this outdated shit would have been resolved and understood. WTF was done to some of you people to cause you to accept this way of thinking?

    Do any of you, of the “cow-milk-farmer-free” group think that you will ever have an enjoyable, truthful, honest, healthy sexual relationship?

    I’m exhausted talking to y’all.

  128. The answer to your first question is yes, there are guys out there that can and will respect you and wait for you until you’re ready. See, what people don’t realize is that men are not all the same. There are your good one’s that treat a woman with respect and dignity and then there’s the bad one’s that believe women are along the line of servants and should obey on command. The only tough thing is the good one’s are usually hidden well at the bottom of the ocean. In an age where the media dominates, most men are out-casted for being good guys. Its considered a social suicide.

    As to your second question about how long is too long for him to wait…there is no such thing. He is waiting on you. He has agreed, at some point to not pressure you and if he’s a good guy, he won’t cheat on you. He won’t be one of those guys that makes the bs excuse of ‘you didn’t give me what I wanted’ because it’s not just about him; it’s about you both. It’s understandable for you to be a little worried about making him wait too long, but don’t fret. You are entitled to ensure that you are not going to just give it to someone that only wants you for sex. You are a human being.

    As a guy, I think it’s insanely attractive when a person makes me wait to have sex. I love it. It shows that they aren’t another statistic; another media target. It shows the true depth of the human heart and human mind and how some people just want to do things when they are ready, rather than follow the crowd. Call me crazy but shit, we weren’t born to follow the rest of the world you know.

    So, what you’re doing is perfectly fine. Don’t stress out about it. The guy that you are talking about is closer than you think.

  129. @justsomeguy, so you are saying NO ONE should have sex? EVER? Because you see it as “risky?” And you also see sex as a thing men “ask for” and women “give?”

    This is the whole crux of the uninitiateds’ problem. Sex is SHARING. It isn’t one person “giving” and one “taking.”

    Only when those who are prudish realize this will they learn the pleasure, the connection, the happiness and the ecstatic feeling of beautiful sex.

    Until one can see sex as a SHARING experience, one will NEVER understand what sex really is.

  130. hey, I believe that if you love someone or you at least care about them, then you don’t even ask for sex. Why? because there are too many risks. I mean, if you care about someone you don’t want anything bad to happen to her, so you don’t want to take the risks of something bad happening to her. So ladies, if someone asks for sex, well it might not mean they don’t care for you, it might just mean they need to learn what I just wrote. You see, thats why some people say that the whole “only when your in love” thing is wrong, because if you love someone, you don’t even ask it. It’s either that or they see sex as a casual thing.

  131. Or, if we’re sticking with a vehicle theme here…”take it for a test drive, with special care given to checking the stick shift and compressing the airbags…”

  132. Yeah, SS, maybe not kick the tires, but you can squeeze the produce for ripeness….

    OMG what is wrong with me? LOL!

  133. @Johnny: Two thoughts: First, if Briak has made it to the ripe old age of 27 as a proud virgin, then he probably has either a low sex drive, or is actually able to control his “rampant hormones.” Either way, whether married sex is good, bad or mediocre, it sounds like he won’t care too much (let’s hope his bride feels the same way.)

    Second: I like the “take the car for a test drive” analogy, but I think in this case it should be clearly stated that one is NOT to kick the tires…

  134. Hm, Tiffany got me thinking… is “gotta test-drive the car” the flip-side of the “why buy the cow” coin (agree with the former though I do)?

  135. Briak,

    I hope against hope that your vision comes true – that as an old man who has been happily married for decades, you can still smugly state that waiting was the best course of action, and that that’s where all the divorced people screwed up.

    Of course, the odds of things working out that are very very slim. I think you’re in for a very rough wake-up call down the line. If you’re lucky, that rude awakening will only fuck with you emotionally. If you truly get screwed, you’ll also lose property, money, and maybe your kids.

    As I’ve said before: marriage guarantees NOTHING. Not sex, not fidelity, not respect… nothing. MANY smart men and women with lots of life experience have found this out the hard way. By denying yourself life experience, you’re practically setting yourself up for the worst.

    You need a few test runs to get it right, believe me. Ahhhhh, you won’t believe me. Good luck dude.

  136. Tiffany, Sexual Compatibility is NOT “propaganda.”

    It is a real thing, and plays a VERY important part in a healthy long term relationship. It’s the basis of attraction, trust and pair bonding.

    Some people have radically different sex drives than each other, and some have really different things they enjoy in bed, and some have things they simply REFUSE to do in bed that their partners require.

    Sexual incompatibility is often a reason relationships fail. You CAN learn new things in bed, of course, that’s half the fun. BUT you can’t “make” or “train” yourself or “make” or “Train” other people to necessarily like or participate in some things, if it isn’t what works for them, sexually.

    On the far side of this argument, what if you marry this guy, both of you virgins, and he decides the ONLY way he can get a hard on is to dress like Cher, circa 1982, and “make” you wear a tuxedo, a mustache and a false nose? Could you “train yourself” to LIKE that?

    HOW would you know THIS is his thing, or even if he HAD any paraphaelias, or even common place sexual needs if you don’t find out ahead of time? Believe me, there are some unusual sexual preferences out there, (and there is *nothing* wrong with them, if the person with them has the right partner, and they spontaneously enjoy the same kind of sexual activities with consent and enjoyment on both partners) but, better to know before you tie the knot. Some of these “kinks” (or simply preferences) may be something YOU realize you like, too, some could well be something you simply couldn’t live with, and HE couldn’t live without. I’ve seen it happen it is NOT beyond the realm of possibility.

    I’ve seen marriages break up because the woman or the man refuses to provide oral sex, (or even refuses to engage in ANY sex more than a few times a year) or the man or the woman requires anal, or oral, and other normal activities more tame than odd paraphelias I mentioned before, and can’t take no for an answer, and the other refuses to participate. HOW would you know you won’t be in THIS boat? Luck? No. The answer:Test drives. It’s really the best way to get a feel for you and your future partner’s compatibly.

    For instance, if you “marry” a guy and THEN find out he absolutely refuses to provide you with oral sex, or anything other than 3 minute, missionary position “intercourse” and that’s it, and that makes him “happy” do you REALLY think you can simply “Train” him to tale THIS as your sex life, for the REST of your life? Or, what if your sex drive is 1/10 as strong as his is, (and if you intend on making a guy wait a year, I worry seriously about one’s drive) will either of you ENJOY your forcing yourself to have sex as often as he likes, or will YOU enjoy ending every sexual encounter completely frustrated and NEVER satisfied just to be “willing to learn what suits your husband sexually.” (OMG!) YOU have needs too. MOST women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. HOW would you know if your “future husband” (The one who evidently masturbated and went to the gym for 4 hours every day for a year “waiting” for you) doesn’t know this and refuses to care? AND refuses to be “trained” to do what helps you find YOUR orgasms?

    Of course, sexual partners often learn from each other, but it is difficult to change your basic drive, or engave in activities you do not enjoy just because you feel like you SHOULD. And no good man is going to enjoy sex when YOU don’t really want to do it, but have only “learned to do what suits him.”

    Your comments sound like a marriage manual from the 1950s! What if what “suits” him is something which repels you? Then what? Still gonna “train yourself?” I’d like to see how that works out.

    And the whole, “If he loves you, he’ll wait.” idea is silly. Maybe for a little while, but again, you are buying into some “Romance/fantasy” aspect of relationships that DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE! You are thinking YOU are the only girl for him and HE is the only guy for you and any guy would do ANYTHING to make you “his.” UNTRUE.

    With billions of people on the planet, there are hellava lot more than one mate for each person. No healthy, adult, sexually mature, self respecting guy is going to “self stimulate” or “hit the gym 7 days a week” for a year while waiting for your perfect, saintly, irreplaceable little virginal OK. A guy with serious sexual issues might, but a healthy, lusty, adult male? No. Which do you want to spend the rest of your life with?

    Graveyards are filled with people who thought they were thoroughly unique, irreplaceable, and “the only one who can do the job.” They died or went away and the world went on. So is the way with relationships.

    When or if you get some adult experience in real, ADULT relationships, you may understand why.

    Sexual compatibility is WHAT relationships are built on. I have never seen a good lasting relationship where the sexual compatibility does not exist. YOU are not going to “learn” to be the first one.

    Good luck. Maybe you’ll realize that it is MORE than “luck” when you mature.

  137. I dont know why but for some reason people always seem to be confusing sex with love. I just dont understand it, sex is a self gratifying act for both participants. Love is sooooooo much more than that. Most people would say that they love their parents, and that they love their kids, other family members and so on, and have never even considered having sex with them. So why on earth would a person say that someone doesnt love them because they wont have sex with them? If this were to happen after being married then theyre may be a problem, but other than that I dont see it. I myself am a 27 year old MALE VIRGIN, by choice. Not only do I want my honeymoon to be special for me but my bride as well. Pre-marital sex is an (illusion) of love. The reason I say that is because it is driven by hormones, and people will argue by saying that it is driven by emotion because of the emotions involved in the act, however those emotions are brought on as a result of hormones runing rampant. I might also add, that this is the reason that there is also a big difference between “sex” and “making love”. Every and I mean EVERY mariage I have ever seen includeing my parents, where the people had pre-marital sex has always had more stress and strain than marriages involving people who waited. The reason, I believe, is because of the false love created by pre-marital sex. There are so many emotions and feelings involved in the act because there has to be, otherwise now one would do it and none of us would be here. If you are in a relationship where you and your partner have not had sex, virgins or not, and you get married before you have sex then you will know that you have married each other for REAL LOVE of the other person and that they married you because they REALY LOVE you and that the decision has nothing to do with what you do under the sheets. Shahen, I know you say that you are not waiting for marriage but you are waiting for the special guy, my question is that weather you have been dating for 3 days, 3 months or 3 years, how will you KNOW that he is “the guy” unless you get married or know that that is near future possibility? I also agree with Tiffany, a real MAN will wait because a real man has enough self-controle and self-respect for himself and respect for you. Anyway, thats my opinion, hope it helps.

  138. One last thing:

    A lot of these guys will “say” they can’t wait for sex, it’s just too hard, too tough, too whatever… That’s bullsh*t. If a man really wants you and sees you in his future he will wait as long as it takes. He’ll man up. If it means he has to stimulate himself every night, or hit the gym 7 days a week, he’ll do it. He’ll wait until you are 100% ready because he loves you that much. He’ll move mountains to be with you. And he’ll understand your concerns about trusting him with your body and your heart, especially at a time in history when most men are really just looking to get laid, meet as many women as they can and have a good time…even if they break your heart in the process. (rest assured you’ll be left to pick up the pieces by yourself.)

    BE selective. Choose wisely who you share yourself with.

  139. Okay! Stop with the “gotta test drive the car before you buy it” and “sexual compatibility” propaganda!

    No one is born “bad” in bed. None of us here in this forum were “great” in bed the FIRST time we had sex. You have to communicate! You have teach and train your partner to do the things that suit your sexual needs! The same is true of those who have sex BEFORE marriage and those who WAIT to have sex. Like EVERYTHING else, you become better at it overtime and with practice and exploration. And what worked in your first sexual relationship, won’t necessarily work in the next one because each person is different. So if you want to wait until you’re married or in love…then wait! You can wait until your married to have sex AND still be a “great” sexual partner to your spouse if you are willing to learn what suits your husband sexually. Don’t buy into the bullsh*t these people are selling you. You don’t need to have 50 partners to be great in bed. It only takes 1 partner and a teachable spirit.

    And forget the risk of pregnancy and STD’s, most people will never tell you about the emotional consequences they face after engaging in casual or “trivialized” sex. Yet it’s become so normalized people don’t even recognize when their bodies are being used by others for momentary gratification and then discarded for the next hot chick around the corner. And its not just women facing these consequences. It takes a toll on men, too, how they value their bodies and view their manhood. They are just socialized to believe it enhances their worth rather than degrades it.

    My suggestion is that you wait until you are in a relationship where commitment, stability, and deep love are present. If that means waiting 6 month, 1 year or until your married…then so be it. And date in social circles where you will find other people are waiting to have sex like a churches/conservative online dating sites, etc. Finally, GET TO KNOW YOUR OWN BODY while you are waiting! Never allow a man to know more about your body than you do! And practice safe sex!

    Good luck,

    Tiffany 🙂

  140. How do you equate with-holding sex, (with holding love and intimacy by expressing your love physically) a prerequisite to gaining respect?

    Is it unreasonable for you to refrain from jumping into bed with a guy after the first/second or third date? Of course not.

    Is it unreasonable for your boyfriend (who wants to be in a serious/adult partnership with you) to be unhappy remaining in a sexless relationship?….well, equally no

    Contrary to what many people out there might believe, sex (within the confines of a relationship) IS an act of love…and we all want to be loved. We want to be told and we want to be shown.

    I’m not saying you have anything to be ashamed of – but you have to ask yourself why sex has become such an issue for you?

    I know this will be an unpopular post – but i think someone needs to say it. If your having to make a guy wait for such a long time, surely that in itself indicates the relationship was wrong to begin with.

    However…I think the real problem here is not sex – but trust…Why do you find it so difficult to trust the men you’ve chosen to be with?

    Making a guy wait for such a long time is unlikely to make you feel any safer. When he eventually leaves you (because he feels unloved and rejected) it will simply confirm in your mind that he was not to be trusted in the first place.

    “how long is too, long?” is like a piece of string…its different for different people. Personally I would never enter into a relationship with someone if we had not had sex…simply because compatibility in the bedroom is as important as everything else in a relationship.

    I wish you luck.

  141. I guess that I may have a similar situation as the OP, but from a different perspective. I’m a 25 year old guy, and dating a 23 year old virgin.
    I’ve been pretty sexually active since I was 16, and have gotten used to having regular sex. I’ve been seeing this girl for 6 months now, and I think I’m starting to lose my mind. I really do like this girl, and she tells me she loves me all the time, but I just don’t know how much longer I can really wait. To me, sex is just sex, and is a normal part of daily life. I think the sooner you get it over with, the sooner you realize its really not a big deal.

    I don’t know if I will wait another 6 months.

    A couple weeks ago I went out with the guys, and found myself with an opportunity to have sex with a girl I just met. I did so, it was great, but I feel terrible about it because I just cheated on my girlfriend. But, this wouldn’t have happened if my girlfriend wasn’t a virgin.

    I don’t know if I should tell her or not. I’m really not a bad guy, and am not the type to go around cheating or whatnot. I’m waiting for her, but I feel like she thinks I just want to add another girl to the hit list, which is definitely not the case.

    What do I do?

  142. @ Cinnamon: “something shared between two people that is enjoyable, not necessarily a huge proclamation of never-ending love and devotion. Losing your virginity doesn’t make you any less of a person because you aren’t really losing anything; if anything, it gives you more experiences, and makes you more of a person.” end quote

    AMEN, sister, you said it.

    Sorry if I over-ranted about the marriage thing after your post, I was NOT targeting you at all. (We can’t edit on this site. Arghgh) The whole marriage thing a “thing” for me. 😉 You are a good poster and have good things to say. I appreciate your input a lot.

  143. It’s good to find out from other their opinion on issues such as this however, you will get so much and as well so confused. Your description of a guy to lose your V to matched that of one looking for a long time relationship (maybe marry) at same time, very many experienced guy (definitely me inclusive) may not want to commit to a relationship with a V though it seem most illogical. What is after he is so committed and wants marriage, do you honestly think you may at one time in this life not want to have a taste of another just for the trial? You may say never but it happens and if it does in your case, what of the honest guy that you gave the V to?
    I’ll advice you do not discuss your status with any new guy you meet and even when he is demanding for sex, tell him you are not ready if the mood is not right or seem not to be. If otherwise, go ahead and do it and enjoy it for how wonderful the experience was for that day. Live one day after another. If he finds out he is your first, he may improve on the relationship.
    Telling most guys you are a V increases their desire to want to do it with you maybe just to be the first on your record.

  144. I admire that you’re self-confident to stay a virgin. So many women nowadays feel pressured into sex at young ages.

    However, I agree with Madamoiselle L about the whole Mr Right thing. And, maybe, sex doesn’t have to be such a big deal. It – whether intercourse, oral, manual, etc, since I’m not sure to how large an extent you are a virgin – can just be something shared between two people that is enjoyable, not necessarily a huge proclamation of never-ending love and devotion. Losing your virginity doesn’t make you any less of a person because you aren’t really losing anything; if anything, it gives you more experiences, and makes you more of a person.

  145. shahen, you’ve only seen your “girlfriend” four times in 18 months? It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. Plus the fact that she wants to have control over what you did BEFORE you knew her tells you, “GET OUT!”

    Maybe a girlfriend who you can actually see regularly, and doesn’t have hang ups about sex would cure your loneliness.

    Good luck, dude.

  146. Liz, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. So, you had sex. There is no shame in that.

    As for “Mr. Right.” There is no such thing. I’ve been with My Man a long time, and he certainly isn’t Mr. Perfect (and I am FAR from Ms. Perfect.)

    Waiting for “Mr. Right” is Fairy Tale thinking and will only bring you sadness.

    The only mistake you made was thinking that “Mr. Right” would be perfect in every way.. At least you found out he refused to help you orgasm BEFORE you married him. Imagine if you had waited LONGER!!!! Married to a guy who doesn’t care if you have an orgasm or not? That’s what happens to those who “buy a car without a test drive.” You did the RIGHT thing, and it helped you get out of a relationship that wouldn’t work.

    You wouldn’t have had that knowledge if you HAD waited until marriage, would you? And you would be stuck with a selfish jerk, in a situation you wouldn’t have found out about until it was too late. Good thing you DID have sex with him. YOU learned “Get to know EVERYTHING about a person before marrying them.” Without sex, you can’t KNOW what kind of lover they are, and face it, sex is a huge part of marriage and WHO wants to spend years NOT having orgasms because they “waited” and are now frustrated with a bad lover?

    There may be no such thing as Mr. Right, but there is Mr. Right Now. Nothing wrong with that.

    And in the end, Mr. “he cares about me, and we’re going to try as hard as we can” is the best one can hope for. BUT, you would never KNOW if he was Mr OK unless you did make love to him BEFORE a long term commitment. So, in the long run having sex with that first man, even though it didn’t work out BENEFITED YOU in a way that “staying” a virgin couldn’t have.

  147. Dear The-26-Year-Old Virgin,

    First of all, I’d like to commend you on waiting to have sex with someone who will love and respect you, which is something that truly impresses me. I, myself am 24-years-old and I did not lose my virginity till about six months ago and since I have already made many mistakes I want you to learn from them.

    You have to remember that you will know, as instinct, whether is it right or not. At 24, I felt that I was getting “too old” to be a virgin. I fell madly and deeply in love with this guy and I waited to have sex with him 10 months. I knew deep inside that he wasn’t the one for me and I was right but I let love blind me. After that we had sex on five different occasions before I broke it off with him. I regret it now that I think about it. This all happened in October and November. So what does this say to you? That even if you’ve been with someone for a long time but you know that it is not right and he’s not the one who will love and respect you then I think you should not even do it because you will waste your first and most special time with someone who will not even remember you and/or that you will care. So your timing when it comes to someone can be early or later on, it depends on how you feel. If a guy cannot respect this, then he’s not the one for you. All he wants is your virginity and you’ll only be another tally on his bedpost.

    Now what other mistake did I make you ask? In January I met what I thought was a wonderful guy and 17 days after meeting him I had sex with him. He was my second but I thought that it didn’t matter since I wasn’t a virgin anymore, plus I felt lonely about the first guy I had given it up to. Yes, he taught me how to orgasm (something the first one never accomplished or care to do) but I found out later that he only cared about appearances and money and that he would talk about people. I ended it after a month and a half.

    Maybe I should feel ashamed that within a four month period I had two sex partners but I don’t since I learned two valuable lessons. First, you should get to know the person as best as possible before giving it up even if you’re not a virgin. Second, I learned that no matter how long you are with a person you will know when he’s the one …

    I wish you the best of luck! I commend you on waiting and I wish I could say the same for myself. I have, in fact, vowed to remain celibate until I find the one who will love and respect me and not use me ….

  148. hi im a boy 18 year old and im not virgin even my girlfriend is,and she hates the fact im not and hurts me cause now for my mistakes she not happy …..we been with eachother 1year n 6months from that we only met 4times last time was 6months ago and all we did make out and now she still having me wait and im okay cause i ode love her but then again i feel so lonely ….

  149. I am 18. I lost my virginity when I just turned 15. I was drunk.
    This mistakes was the first of many. Many, many, MANY. Almost all of which, I regret.
    I think after awhile, a girl can harden herself. When the guy didn’t want me afterwards, I would just be like,”Hahaha I got what I wanted anyway. Who cares.” I began to think guys could only provide me decent 4 out of 10 sex, and drugs. That’s all.

    But now, after my last huge mistake 3 months ago, I promise myself I am remaining abstinent and waiting for someone special.
    There’s a guy I really like who lives a couple hours away. We dated before and have not had sex or anything close to it.

    This time around (if our connection proves to be more than friends) I am making him wait awhile. So I can be sure our mental and emotional relationship is tip top.

    And I know it will be amazing then. A life changing experience.

    But one problem I see girl..are you so set against having sex, that when the right guy comes will you continue to be closed off and say no?

    Just food for thought. :]
    Thanks so much for reading guys. I feel a bit better getting these things off my chest.

  150. its something like attraction guys are really cant control himself when he is with a girl alone and even in dating so if a person really said am not so fast am damn sure he is lie…its all complicated issues that when a person having a courage to wait for those stuffs…am sure that he had many experience with those things…its like v hesitate sweets when v took so much before that..so its all nature but still 2 among 100 male are there for u…but its hard to find..am telling this bcoz am a guy…

  151. em & lo
    you have the right to say NO all the time. Also yes there are decent men out there that would wait for a girl or lady that doesn’t want to have sex even before marriage. Have you gone to church?
    I know this is just an example but there are men of all walks of life, but you will find that are not gentlemen and you will find men that will respect you wishes . they may feel the same way.
    Never do anything you don’t feel like doing anything you , don’t want to do.
    ladies have that right always!!!

  152. Wow, I think it’s cool you’re taking your time. I met my wife when she was 19 and she was a virgin. I was 28 and had of course been with other women – starting at 14.

    She wanted to wait it out till marriage. I didn’t try to pressure, manipulate or cajole her for sex at all. I honored her wishes.

    We got married 4 years later, and the first time we made love to each other, she looked me in the eyes and said that she waited because she wanted to give her husband something that she could only give to one person.

    That was 8 years ago. We remain happily married, and our bond is stronger than ever. I appreciate her beyond imagination because she always made me feel like I was special enough to be the one to share that part of herself with.

    She appreciates me because I saw enough in her to be willing to not only wait, but to be faithful in the process. So, in many ways, I truly feel like our marriage is really special.

    So, you’re obviously holding on for your own reasons. Follow what you want to do versus what others are telling you that you should do. Honor what you feel; you’ll know when it’s right for you!

    All the best to everyone!

  153. Hello,

    Do not pay attention to anyone else but your self ,in the end that all that matters. I am a 20 yr old tainted virgin meaning that I’ve had oral sex and that’s it. I am waiting for another that I can trust but until then I am filling my life in other areas. Please enjoy life and don’t worry so much about your v status, it’ll happen when it is supposed to. 🙂 Best of luck Cherry

  154. You have all my respect. You are very much a credit to your gender. I truly believe that your life will be much richer and full of light, than those who may put you down. As for me, I would lift you up to the stars, and put a crown on your head, and I would stay on my post and protect you from any bad that may come your way, for always.

  155. I’m in the same type of situation. I’m waiting for my girl to say its time. We’ve been going out for over three months. But, part of me whats to move on–just because the longer she waits the more doubt I have in this relationship. Is it because she doesn’t TRUST ME, or is she having sex with someone else, or even seeing someone else and being selective. For a guy, for me, when a girl says I love you and even having sex with you — it means she loves you enough and trust you. This is me personally… Let say 9 months down or even a year into the relationship, she still haven’t indicated when, then I’m moving on. My take is you shouldn’t drag the guy on. If you are waiting after marriage–say so. If you aren’t then you need to let him know from time to time that you are very much into him. That way he knows. But after 9 months, guys will start to have wondering eyes even finding someone else.

  156. Johnny said: “Experience is the only thing that can protect you from shitty partners.” (Damn right!)

    He also says: “That’s the tragedy of all these “wait” types – they often wait only to wind up with the wrong person, because they lack the experience to make an informed decision.” END QUOTE

    It’s like buying a car without a test drive, or a moving into a house without a couple of walk throughs and looking at other things on the market and having a good House Inspection. You won’t know “the right one” if you have no idea what “right” is. “Right” comes from experience.

    You can see the writing on the wall, my brother! The man has good sense. Good job, Johnny.

  157. Also @ brian, re: Girl who broke your heart

    Brian, dude – you are painfully mistaken if you think a woman can’t pull the exact same thing once you marry her. Looking to marriage as a security blanket is a terrible idea. It guarantees nothing – not sex, not fidelity, nada.

    Experience is the only thing that can protect you from shitty partners. That’s the tragedy of all these “wait” types – they often wait only to wind up with the wrong person, because they lack the experience to make an informed decision.

    You are a prisoner to your sexual past. The girl who broke your heart, the girl who you’re so convinced you scarred for life by sleeping with her once… Come on dude. Grow a pair and move on with your life. Best advice anyone’s going to give you.

  158. @Brian- classic case of male ego.

    That girl you did horrible emotional damage to? Trust me – you’re overestimating your sway over her. It’s possible that she was way fucked up before you got to her. But barring that, I guarantee she moved right on and is fine now. Trust me.

    Men always like to think, “Oh god, what will she do without me! She’ll probably kill herself!” But that’s our egos talking. Women are the more emotionally resilient gender.

  159. I think that all these wonderful gusy/girls that promises virigns to wait for them is having sex somewhere else…

    That is why they can afford to wait for your “gift”.

  160. Sorry hun, but saving your virginity because you promised ‘God’ is a silly idea.
    I guarantee you will get closer to heaven in the bedroom than you ever will in death. I mean I wake up nearly every morning with an erection, is that not ‘God’ tellling us to go do our thing? SEX IS GREAT, no one says, ‘oh I don’t read because i’m waiting for the perfect book’ because that would be silly. go get laid!

  161. This watin thing is a very big nonsense cos if you know you wont eat something there is no point cookin it, wait till d time u are hungry nd ready to eat. Since u wont have sex for now, its better you wait till you are ready nd be with the guy dt u feel can wait for you. I think some women are just selfish nd mean, if it was a woman dt have had sex before nd likes doin it, nd she meets a guy dt says no nd that its going to take sometime or sth am pretty sure that woman will cheat or end d relationship. We cn see dt d so call double standard is more with woman nt man, btw , why must it alwayz be abt women not ready, its jsut too stupid nd absurd nd irrational. I have seen cople of situation where d guy does nt give enuff sex nd d woman ends up cheating on her, wat if dt kind of guy had said no sex until after he wants it. so it means d woman will be cheating on him like hell???!! plus candidly why d hell will a woman judge a man dt cos he cnt wait till when she wants then it makes him nt 2 be a good guy or sth. We all know sex drive is different in different ppl nd maybe dt guy could be d type with really high libido nd culd nt stay for long time without sex, so wat does d virgin girl expects him 2 do , to sbjecct himself to such a bad torture cos he wants 2 be with her even though he has a crazily burning sex urge. I feel nd think d best thing is this situation is dt its 50/50, since d girl has decided nt 2 hv sex wit d guy until sometimes dt she decides , then d guy might rightfully as well decide dt he could nt be in a relationship without sex.
    Plus if u say if d guy loves her she will stay dts kind of bulls hit, cos d guy can as well say if the girl loves him she will give it 2 him without having him 2 wait till she feels like, its selfishness from a girl side i think.

  162. I dont blame you for not giving it up. But it is your choice. I did give into the temptation, but it was the best choice I made. My boyfriend and I have lasted, its not what are relationship is all about, and we have talked so many times about continuing our relationship and getting married and whatever else. It just depends on when you are willing to do it, and when you are really comfterable with it. But i don know that I was glad i wated, for a little while at least.

  163. I am 36 years old and I have decided that I want to wait until I am married ( if that happens) before I become sexually involved with a woman. I had a sexual relationship many years ago because I thought that she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. (I was 23 years old the first time I had sex.) After she cheated on me and left me for the other guy, I was devastated because I gave the most intimate part of myself to someone who ditched me. Unfortunately, several years after that, I ended up having a one night stand with a woman I met at a bar. I can’t even begin to describe the emotional damage I did to her and I felt so horrible inside for shattering her emotionally. After that, I decided that I will not have sex with anyone unless I marry her. I will be honest though, the urges can become very strong at times. Sadly, I can not find a woman who is also willing to love me enough and respect my boundaries to wait until marriage. I commend you for desiring to wait for the right man and the best guarantee for that is to marry him before you become sexually involved with him. If he truly loves you, he WILL wait, even until marriage.

  164. Believe it or not. I am a 34 year old virgin. My mother had “the talk” with me and my 2 sisters when I was about 13. I had a brief situation in high school with a guy and then PROMISED God that if I got out of it a virgin I would wait until I was married. Obviously I got out of that situation in tact. I am pretty attractive and approached by guys all the time. I look at it like this…I can choose to lose my virginity any day of the week. But I am a precious gift and so is it. I CHOOSE to wait until I am married. I am dating a very special guy. He flipped when he found out. I told him on our 3rd date that I would not be having sex with him. Then about a month later I told him I was a virgin. that is when he flipped. He was so surprised. No sex? No kind? never? Nope! And guess what sisters? I am still with him and he is so respectful. We are now considering marriage. When you are ready – you will know. Don’t make a move until then. It is not all about the other party – it is about following your heart.

  165. i think that when you are comfortable with some one. it will be ok…

    there are plenty of logical reasons to wait really, doesn’t mean you have to and there are ways of trying to control it i suppose… you know..disease, pregnancy. do you want to end up with a broken family for your child? and i know that doesnt always happen…but it can.

    I do agree with the it’s a sharing thing. Some people only want to share that with one person. Which is sortof romantic.

    Personally…I dont want my husband to have slept with any one else…

    But if your not waiting ’til marriage. If you’re great friends and hang out and do love eachother…maybe just head in that direction and if your not comfortable with it tell him. =) if you are.. keep working on it til you get there. =) Of course sex is a good thing, but as with most good things there are some boundaries that keep them good. Which are mostly up to you.

  166. you ladys that are virgins at 25-30 whteva lol, you are all in great danger of a conditon called “vaginascabsover syndrome” loool

  167. Virgins and proud of it after 25 are a great example of Darwinism. It’s great, the simpletons are left out of the gene pool for the betterment of the rest o the human race. The main problem with waiting for Mr right is that women don’t actually know what they want. After years of dumping Mr Ok panic and go for Mr I promise to stay now that you’re knocked up.

  168. To guyman: I woulde have given up the moment a man said that to me. Enough is enough of garbage.

    She uses sex to trick you, that is not mature.

  169. @guyman: how old is she? The answer would probably differ depending on whether she’s 18 or 28…
    Also, see @johnny…that could be you!

  170. Okay so I’m dating a virgin that will just not give it up, and she’s telling me ” oh baby we have our whole lives together, it’ll will happen eventually” but we not even married or anything like that. Should I just give up?

  171. marisa said: “we have the power over sex
    …guys have urges and they want them to be pleased” END QUOTE

    You are implying YOU have or had NO urges? And that the waiting game was a Power Play? I don’t get it.

    I really, honestly hope that you, and others have found that sex is about SHARING, now power or ONE person wanting and the other seeing how long they can make the other person “wait.”

    Maybe I misinterpreted you, but the whole “power” thing struck me as kind of mean. To men.

  172. When people use terms like “she gave in” it pisses me off. Does it occur to them that most women LIKE sex? This, like the entire “farmer won’t buy a cow if he can get the milk for free” bullshit is assuming sex is something women don’t LIKE and only do to get men to do other things for them. Again, a Commodity.

    Having sex with an other person is a communion with that person, it’s a shared experience, a mutual good.

    It is NOT and never should be something women “give” and men “take.” The entire double standard of this idea is one of the reasons TOO many women decide “virginity” is like to valued like some rare prize, to be sold at auction, to the highest bidder, to get HER something she wants OTHER than sex.

    Having sex should be about two people who care enough to please each other physically and emotionally. (And sometimes spiritually.) It isn’t about an exchange of “goods.” With the exception of prostitution, then it’s a different story. But, in that case, the woman at least ADMITS she isn’t doing it for her own pleasure, but only “Giving in” to get things she wants for herself. She’s honest. Someone playing games with a man’s mind and body, for the SAME REASON is often being disingenuous.

    Sex, when done properly, is two people caring for each other and pleasing each other. NOT one person “giving in” or “being worn down” or “giving it up.” BOTH should be enjoying it. And you have NO IDEA how enjoyable it can be until you allow yourself the pleasure to share such a thing with an other person.

  173. I’ve observed the following scenario several times:

    Virgin waits. Virgin meets great guy. Virgin continues to wait. Great guy waits right along with her. And waits and waits.

    She’s been guarding her virginity for so long that she just can’t bring herself to give it up, even under ideal circumstances. Great guy eventually decides virgin has sexual hang-ups he doens’t want to deal with. He ends the relationship.

    Virgin thinks, “damn, I had it all in him! Great Guy loved me, respected me, waited patiently… What am I waiting for, if not a situation like that?”

    Virgin resents herself for losing great guy to irrational prudishness. Virgin then gives it up to the next asshole who comes along. And just like that, she blew an ideal scenario for exactly the one she was trying to avoid.

    Anyone else see – or experience – this situation?

  174. #Lovereaction: Your comment gives me the impression that you’d give it up to any guy that glances at you

    And you will only have sex with the man that waitet long enough for you?

    While you could used the time to have wild crazy hot sex insted. it is just braindead, honey.

  175. you can make a guy wait for a very long time, we have the power over sex. i didn’t lose my virginity until i was 19. i wasn’t waiting for marriage but i was trying to find the right guy. my pass boyfriends hated the idea that i didn’t want to have sex. i was not ready and most of all they were not the ones for me.

    it did hurt my relationships, guys have urges and they want them to be pleased

  176. Its your choices,However keep in mind your 26 year old “don’t knock it until you try it”.
    Asked yourself, Do you want to try? If the fruits look good don’t you want to tasted to see weather its sweet or sour.
    If Mr.Right come along I don’t thinks he care less if your virgin or not,but how you coexist with him on this life journey.
    Life is not perfect, on for going life is full of trail and era.

  177. Speaking as a guy…yeah you’re right.Wait. All you will lose is time and we all have a lifetime supply of that. Good Luck!

  178. ok so i’m not gonna take sides here. i figured i’d be like this lady here, waiting into my 20’s before even considering sex. but you know, when someone you trust, someone you feel like you could have sex with comes along, you almost can’t help yourself lol. yes, i lost my virginity when i was 19 to a guy who i wasn’t (and i’m still not) dating, but we were good friends beforehand anyway and i trusted him. does that make me a whore? i don’t think so. sex is a very personal choice. i thought a long time before committing to a decision, in fact, i didn’t commit to my decision right up until the last possible second. but i don’t regret it and that’s the important thing.
    sorry for rambling. i guess what i’m trying to say is… don’t listen to us. do what you think is right. yes, advice is always good, but everyone is different.
    good luck 🙂

  179. everyone giving their own opinion but these matter…seems like its all up to your mind..i believe if you do feel connected with your partner…you definately wont felt hesitate to share yourself…
    so…im wishing u to found ur right guy soon..

  180. t.m. the whole “milk for free, farmer pay” thing reduces sex to a commodity, which makes it seem as if sex is something women “give” or “trade” with men for other commodities. In reality, BOTH partners are supposed to get pleasure from sex, and in healthy people, it is never a commodity.

    Are you really wiling to reduce your sexuality to nothing more than a tradable commodity?

    “Confident” you don’t get it. It doesn’t mean “anybody” gets to have sex with one, just that so many of the posts were of the “my virginity is a such huge deal and a HUGE gift (commodity) which will only go to the highest bidder.” Most men and many many women just don’t see it that way. Men don’t view a woman’s “virginity” in the Holy Light that a very few women place it in.

    YOUR “impression” was wrong. I think the comment Love reaction posted, and I was amused by meant, “Honey, your “virgin” booty ain’t all that. NOBODY’S is.” That’s all.

    And, you know, people have tried the underhanded “calling Sexually Positive women whores” tactic before, (which is what your attempt was, right?) but they don’t usually last long on a Sex Positive web site. Good luck with that here. 🙂

  181. Lovereaction: Your comment gives me the impression that you’d give it up to any guy that glances at you. Wouldn’t want to have access to any womans vagina that doesn’t give some value/respect in sharing that part of herself. Same to you Madamoiselle. I believe in respecting every individuals choice to live their life. It’s very wrong to insult these women for their beliefs. Just because you feel you could never have the will power to stay a virgin doesn’t mean other people can’t. Patience is a “virtue”.:)There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait if that is what is right for you.

  182. Quote of the week, maybe? “Get it over with. It os not really a big deal, it is not gold between our legs.” Hahahahaa. I have to agree. Ladies, access to your vagina is not like a ticket to the Holy of Holies….

    OMG, I didn’t mean that as a double entendra. hee hee hee hee

  183. what the fuck is it with americans and the waiting for sex thing?

    Proud of beeing a virgin at the age of 26/30???

    Come on, you women are just fooling yourselves. Or you are just in closet lesbians.

    Get it over with. It os not really a big deal, it is not gold between our legs.

  184. Becca:

    There actually is an option that exists somewhere between “don’t have sex” and “get pregnant twice before age 18.”

    It’s called birth control. If you’re having sex, it’s your right and your responsibility to decide how you’re going to not get pregnant and avoid chances of getting STDs.

    Clearly, your previous approaches, whatever they were, did not work. Go to a doctor, get some birth control, and take control of your life and body.

  185. I have a couple of friends who are also virgins in their twenties. Not only do I admire their perseverance in maintaining their virginity, I am also painfully aware of the awkward situations this can present.

    It is important to be up front with a guy you are seriously considering dating. If he doesn’t know you’re a virgin up front, I PROMISE it WILL be awkward later down the road. Honesty is definitely the best policy in this situation (or in most relationship situations for that matter).

    If the dude is right, he won’t care, and he’ll probably have no problem waiting.

  186. I’m a mother of 6. I’m proud that you have waited to lose your virginity just like I’m proud that my 3 daughters have chosen to wait as well they are between 19-23. When that day comes or that particular moment you will sense that this is the right time for you & your partner. Its like getting on a plane for the first time, you are scared at first. You like it, then you start flying more frequently.:)

  187. I agree entirely with Nick, above. If you’ve been with someone (long-distance aside) for over three months, you know whether it’s long-term or just a fling.

    Sex is great, and quite a lot of fun, but consider this:

    If sex is an integral-can’t-do-without-it thing, what if the other person were hurt, and no longer capable? Would you want to tie your love of your spouse/boyfriend to how good they were in bed?

    Bad sex has never (for any relationship I know of) been a deal breaker. Most ‘bad sex’ is either poor communication (relaonship death, sex or no) or an excuse to practice more. (Assuming that the relationship is more than a fling.)

    Sex can also be a carnal band-aid for a broken relationship, and lead to more pain in the eventual break-up. Don’t rush it, or let yourself be rushed. The right guy will be willing to wait until you are ready. (I was, for what it’s worth.)

  188. I was all set to reply to Cally when Allen’s comment popped up…glad to see some further comments. I was thinking that Cally’s comments were so angry that Allen must have touched a nerve somewhere, and also noted the huge amount of fear that is present in what she says (fear of pain, fear of intimacy.) And while I think Cally would be a good person to go to if you were looking for a virgin’s take on a relationship, a person who hasn’t yet had sex is probably not the most reliable source when looking for advice on how sex does or does not affect a relationship. Cally, two thoughts: Your first time probably won’t be that great, but it doesn’t hurt that much, either. As with most things, it will get better with time. Secondly, sex is, despite what you believe at this point, a huge part of a relationship…it is what separates friends from lovers. And before you jump down my throat, I’m sure you and your boyfriend consider yourselves to be lovers, and are in love with each other, but for a lot (most?) people, a relationship without sex is like (as a college friend of mine once said) trying to drink a beer with the cap on.

  189. Cally,

    It sounds like you have some of the same hang-ups. What’s with all the fear?

    I suppose I should have been more precise–no guy who HAS ALREADY HAD SEX is going to wait around for someone for longer than a year or so. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and it only sows resentment to use it as a weapon. The line “I’m not having sex until I’m married” draws a totally arbitrary distinction between one moment and the next. And I know several marriages that came about because of that ultimatum, and fell apart within two years.

    Guys and girls get different things from a relationship, and they want different things from a relationship. What if a guy was like “I’m not going to be compassionate, or let you unload your stress to me at the end of the day, or take you out to dinner, or talk on the phone for more than twenty minutes, until we’re married.” What kind of sense would that make?

    I should have also been more precise when I said “give that part of her to me” — I didn’t mean a first-timer. I meant a girl that’s just using sex as a way to get something she wants. That’s a deal-breaker.

    You’re going to be with this person your entire life. You might as well get the messy stuff out of the way so you can see whether you actually like the person without all the pressure some people put on sex.

    Funny that you took my comments personally, Cally. That speaks volumes about which of your insecurities are at play here. Plus you just resorted to name-calling, another tactic born less of merit than of emotion.

    Then, to close your diatribe, you offered this richly ironic comment, “We are not here to pass judgement on others’ choices or to make everyone conform to our idea of what life should be like.”

    Isn’t that what you just tried to do?

    Look, you’re not ready, cool. That’s too bad. You’re missing out.

  190. The right guy should understand your desire to feel comfortable and ready to have sex with him. If you have a real connection it shouldn’t be a big deal. There shouldn’t be a time limit. A time limit for any man would just mean that he too just cares about having sex rather than about you. I really hope there are guys out there that will wait and are respectful. (I too haven’t had sex yet and am worried about finding a guy who’s good enough to understand that It’ll take me a little time to feel ready.)

  191. it’s not something you can schedule. each guy will wait their own amount of time. and each relationship takes it’s own time. have sex when you are ready.

    as a guy who’s looking for a long term relationship myself. I would still have to say that after enough time with out sex i would move on. not because I’m only interested in sex, but because, after a long enough wait, if she’s still not ready, then it shows an incompatibility.

    also.. LOVED the comment “man are not just women with penises” very true.

  192. 32-year old virgin checking in here to add my 2 (or 3 cents). To get the basics out of the way, I’m not a virgin because of any religious reason – I am in fact an atheist – or because I’m a prude or any other reason you might be imagining.

    Mostly I’m still a virgin out of circumstance. I wasn’t ready in high school or college. I dated around a lot in my early 20s but no real relationships and then I had one “actual” committed relationship in my mid-20s but he had a supreme amount of baggage and was the one who put the kibosh on any expectations for sex. After that I really stopped looking/never made it past a few dates over the last several years.

    Now I’ve just started seeing someone who I could possibly see “losing it” to. And boy, would that be welcome. Honestly, at this age it just feels like this tremendous burden. Luckily I have really low expectations for what the physical experience will be – pain, discomfort, orgasm-less. But I do imagine that I will be quite tied up in the emotional fallout. For this reason, and frankly the potential pain factor (ugh!), I’d rather wait until I knew there was a reasonable amount of mutual respect and possibly love for one another before taking the step to have sex. I don’t see that as unreasonable.

    As for Allen’s comments, they don’t offend me and I don’t really think he’s wrong to expect sex. As he and others have pointed out, sex IS a big part of most adult relationships. That particular woman he was dating sounds like she may have deep-seeded issues that were never worked through. I don’t know her or the whole story so I’m not going to comment further.

    ML, I think the “library card” analogy just referred to the fact that the 30-year old virgin doesn’t want to be another “notch in someone’s belt”. (Apparently I cannot properly explain this w/o another analogy!)

  193. Can someone tell me WTF being someone’s “Library Card” means?

    I love to go to the library and I can’t see any analogy with sex. I love sex, too. I just don’t see what they have in common.

    *sigh* Something tells me I’ll get a scary, disjointed, hell-and-brimstone answer. Y’all know me, I ask anyway.

  194. erm… I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t know whether or not they want to have sex with someone by the second or third date. I mean, isn’t the reason you go on a date in the first place because you feel that you do, or might, want sex with the person? If you don’t feel that way, why would you date them?
    Having sex is very intimate, the first time is a little bit painful for women and often it isn’t brilliant anyway. But you would know well before three months if you felt like doing that with someone you were dating, wouldn’t you? That’s if you wanted sex at all. If you don’t want sex, that’s absolutely fine – and it is possible that some women in this situation may be unwilling to admit that they actually don’t want to have sex with a man… but whatever the reason for dating guys and not wanting sex, wouldn’t it be a good idea to sit down and really think about why, so that you don’t continue to put yourself and them in an impossible situation? There are plenty of opportunities for men and women who aren’t interested in sex at all to get together, so it seems a pity to keep on with such a wrangle.

  195. I’m here too…. It’s been asked of me too many times to count. “Why are you so tight?” This is MINE. God gave me this choice, and no person can take it away from me. God says for women to save themselves for their future husbands. Not collect on all the mistakes that can happen before. I’m no one’s Library Card.

  196. If this was a rl conversation I’d put on my Paula Dean voice…

    Hon, you can take as much time as you need.

    There are lots of reasons to choose to not have sex. There are lots of ways to create intimacy in a relationship without sex.

  197. There are just so many things wrong with Allen’s comment I just had to come back and go through step-by-step to be sure I didn’t miss anything (can you tell this is a rather touchy subject for me?).

    “No guy in this day and age is going to marry a girl who won’t have sex with him after more than enough time, trust, love, commitment, etc.”
    Just wrong. Proven over and over again by, I can probably assume, thousands of couples, religious or not. Example: my boyfriend and me. We have talked about marriage, and as I stated earlier, he has said he will wait if that’s what I need.

    “…’I won’t trust him if he won’t wait until whenever it is I feel like it.’ To that I say I won’t trust HER if she’s not willing to give that part of herself to me.”
    You write as if you believe losing one’s virginity is a casual decision. While it may be for many (most of my friends saw it as no big deal), it most definitely is NOT for many others. See point I made in previous comment, as well as my speculation on YOUR trust issues from needing to take a girl’s virginity/have sex with her to trust her, which is just so twisted and strange it doesn’t really need a response.

    “These days, women are no longer pure princesses, armed with chastity and virtue and innocence. You women are career-oriented, you’re world travelers, you’re capable adults. Why remain children by withholding sex from a guy you care about, love?”
    So because of women’s lib, basically, we shouldn’t have any problem with having sex with a guy who wants it? Because we aren’t sheltered and expected to stay in the kitchen and have babies, we should no longer have these kind of opinions about our own bodies? Just because we aren’t “pure princesses” (which, by the way, is an absolutely idiotic term to refer to a virgin or sexually naive woman. Virginity does not equate to purity), does not mean we don’t still value our bodies and our opinions about them. Losing my virginity is frightening to me personally because of the incredible amount of intimacy it entails, as well as the pain I know will happen. I’m not at all withholding sex and intimacy from my boyfriend by saying no to penetration.

    “It doesn’t make any sense. It’s selfish. And it could lead to the end of your relationship. And by 8 months–that’s justified. Because we guys think: what am I wasting my time for?”
    Selfish. Waste of time. That’s an interesting view of one of your potential girlfriends who won’t give it up to you. Sounds like you don’t really respect her as a person who can make independent choices. I wouldn’t say my relationship with my boyfriend has been a waste of time; far from it. That’s an extremely disrespectful way to view a woman who doesn’t want to have sex. I hope you let all your girlfriends know from the start that they aren’t worth your time if they won’t have sex with you. Pretty juvenile.

    “She says she loves me, but she clearly doesn’t. People that love each other can’t STOP having sex–let alone avoid STARTING.”
    How dare you suggest I don’t love my boyfriend. How dare you say that girlfriends don’t truly love their significant others if they don’t have sex with you. How can you possibly presume to speak for all couples? Sex≠love, you idiot! It is a wonderful, wonderful perk of being in love (or not, it doesn’t matter either way), but it is not love and it is not a signifier of love. You are applying your own experience to everyone else’s!

    “We’re designed for it. It’s the reason we’re here.”
    Asexuals. Homosexuals. Sex is biologically for reproduction, but everyone does it differently (or not at all). And that’s okay. It’s beautiful, whatever you choose. We are not here to pass judgement on others’ choices or to make everyone conform to our idea of what life should be like. We are here to be ourselves, enjoy ourselves and love each other, no matter what form it takes.

  198. Virginity is not a gift. It’s not something a woman presents to a man to show him how much she loves him and how special she is. Period. If you are not ready to have sex with him for personal reasons, more power to you. But your virginity isn’t something you “give;” it just means you haven’t had sex yet.

  199. A woman is not selfish and not a child if she doesn’t want to give her virginity to you, Allen, and for you to need that part of her to fully trust her signals you may have some trust issues. As I’ve said before, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and we have not lost our virginities yet. He says he will wait until marriage if that’s what it takes for me to feel comfortable. Personally, I am terrified. It is an extremely intimate act to me, to allow someone else to be fully inside me, joining us together. And it will be painful. I am not “testing” him, and I am sure as hell NOT being selfish to be afraid, and it’s incredibly offensive that you would make that assumption.

    Not all guys fit the molds that some of the commenters think must dictate how men and women interact. Some guys are actually PEOPLE, not caricatures or stereotypes. It’s a pity that seems to be the only type of person you’ve interacted with.

  200. If you are waiting for Mr. Right, why not wait to marry Mr. Right? After all, once you find Mr. Right, would you ever want to leave Mr. Right? I think not. It’s something to think about. . . .

  201. Here’s the thing about waiting for sex: the waiting can be fun. All that tension, the build up? All the ways that you can pleasure each other without actual penetration? When I lost my virginity, we took a while to get there. However, some guys have their own hang ups about sex; you can’t just assume that they’re animals who just want to screw whatever walks into the room. Losing your virginity means a lot of things: birth control, risks of pregnancy and disease, it may hurt, and it’s a new way to interact with someone. You want to wait for you – NOT because you’re testing? – then wait. You want to be excited about it, not resistant. But also know that some guys do have expectations and it’s fair to want certain things out of a relationship. If you don’t want those things, then it’s not the right pair. However, there will be someone out there.

  202. Vitals: I’m a 26 year old guy who has had sex before.

    I dated a girl for over a year, who was a year older than me. For those of you counting, that makes her 27.

    She was great in bed. Fantastic. The kind of girl (yes, I realize I”m referring to a 27 year old female as a ‘girl’–what can I say? It fits) that a guy knows immediately that he wants to have sex with.

    She had never had sex before. Everything else–in spades. But not intercourse.


    She was adopted, and somehow that got tangled up in her emotions about sex. I was fine with it. For the first 8 months. Then I started to resent her. Like commenters have noted before me, I knew what I was missing. And I knew that with her, I was missing even more than usual.

    This is for all you “just explain it to him” women out there: I tried to talk to her about it. I explained to her that by now, when I’d shown amply that she could trust me, that I loved her, etc, and it was all genuine, and she knew it, what was the problem?

    She couldn’t explain it. She shut down, and rolled over and faked sleep until I gave up. If she had given me a reason, I’d have accepted it, provided it made any sense. She said she wouldn’t do it until she was married.

    Here’s the problem with that, to me, and most guys I know: no guy in this day and age is going to marry a girl who won’t have sex with him after more than enough time, trust, love, commitment, etc. A ring is wholly artificial. For some of you girls, it’s a defense: I’m not married = no. And from a guy’s perspective, this is profoundly selfish. The relationship is not all it could be without sex. And in most guys’ minds, having sex might be the clincher that leads to the ring. It might make the ring even a formality–something that’s obviously going to happen.

    You girls say I won’t trust him if he won’t wait until whenever it is I feel like it. To that I say I won’t trust HER if she’s not willing to give that part of herself to me. These days, women are no longer pure princesses, armed with chastity and virtue and innocence. You women are career-oriented, you’re world travelers, you’re capable adults. Why remain children by withholding sex from a guy you care about, love?

    It doesn’t make any sense. It’s selfish. And it could lead to the end of your relationship. And by 8 months–that’s justified. Because we guys think: what am I wasting my time for? She says she loves me, but she clearly doesn’t. People that love each other can’t STOP having sex–let alone avoid STARTING.

    We’re designed for it. It’s the reason we’re here. Make sure you know the person, trust the person, love the person–and then relax a little. Sex is like an appetite–there’s always another around the corner.

  203. I’m sorry, but what are you waiting for? You say you’re waiting for the right men, and you’re dating these guys…. If you don’t sleep with them after a couple of months of seeing them, it’s like you’re saying, “no, you’re not the right guy for me” and nobody wants to waste their time with someone who doesn’t think they’re the right person for.

    Maybe that’s the problem. You can have your reasons for not having sex and the rest of the world has to respect them, but don’t complain about guys dumping you over it. Very few guys will wait forever, especially with that excuse.

  204. Dave W, I respect your viewpoint and understand. I feel for you. I also completely understand where you are coming from. I’m sorry you have suffered. I’ve had depressive episodes, also. Serious ones.

    However, I don’t believe in making That Thing That Happened be the lynch pin of my entire life.

    Nor do I blame things on it nor put off normal adult activities using “that thing” as an excuse not to engage. I probably shouldn’t have said it was “simple” to move on (more the Catholic thing I was referring to) but I think an ADULT (or even adolescent) has the RESPONSIBILITY to address their issues, and DEAL with them, either on their own, or through therapy and meds. I’ve done all of these. (But, plunged into a very satisfying sex life before the official therapy or meds, just working it out in my own mind. NOT MY FAULT. That was my mantra, now I don’t have to think about it all that much.) As have most people in that situation, “depressed” or not. (And I think that having these issues in one’s past is certainly more likely to have one end up clinically depressed at one time or an other than if it had not happened. I don’t know a single person who has had this horrible experience who hasn’t been depressed at one time or an other. It means we just have to work harder to overcome it.)

    As I said, I refuse to take “Victim” as my Identity and I insist on dealing with things as they occur, so they don’t cripple my ability to move forward in my life.

    I’ve had some horrible nasty depression. SSRIs, therapy and introspection (but not TOO much, that can be a problem as well) helped, but to be honest, nothing helps pull me out of a cyclothymic downward spiral than good sex. (Despite the “horrible thing” that happened so long ago)

    I don’t think that having a depressive situation would make someone LESS likely to put The Horrible Thing in the past (where it belongs) and move on than anyone else. JMNSHO.

    I hope you can find peace. 🙂

  205. Me said : “I’m concerned with how much the person cares about me when it happens and how special I want to feel… I would be upset if it was that unexciting or overrated. END QUOTE

    Me, if you put TOO much emphasis on the “First Time” being a bigger and bigger deal, the longer you put it off, the more you WILL find it “overrated.”

    For most women, and even a lot of men, the first time wasn’t the fireworks and soul melding experience they thought it might be. And the more you hold out for that, the more disappointed you will be the next morning, when you are a little sore, probably didn’t see stars or even have an orgasm (Unless you and your man have been practicing some very advanced sexual moves and you have had orgasms from these before)and you might be more likely to actually think “That was it?” The first time is rarely a way to judge what your eventual sex life will be like.

    If your man is NOT a virgin then it won’t be as big a deal to him as it might be to you. Doesn’t mean he won’t care, just that he has done this before, and face it, sex with a virgin is few people’s idea of the best time in bed. (Once you gain experience, even it is is with the same guy, things will be different, but for that to happen the FIRST time has to be gotten through.) Once you gain experience, it can be that fireworks and mind meld experience. The first time is usually always, “OMG, do I look weird? Does he think I smell funny? Am I making too much noise? Did I not make enough noise? Is it going to hurt more? Should I move more? HOW? Is he enjoying it? Am I enjoying it? OW…..wtf was that? What if I bleed? What if I don’t bleed? Oh, that was kinda nice. OMG, he’s DONE already?” and so on.

    Yes, the guy MAY leave you. (although you say you don’t care about that……) Few people end up permanently with the person they lost their cherry to. So? You move on.

    He may leave if even if you don’t have sex. Having had sex doesn’t make a break up any worse. Unless the woman thinks of sex as something she “gives” to a man. Then there are other issues.

    All I am saying is the more you expect out of “The First Time” the more you will be disappointed. Kind of like those girls who spend their whole childhood looking at wedding magazines, and thinking about “being a bride” they find A Guy who will marry them, take 2 years to plan “the perfect wedding” only to be left with nothing but a let down feeling once that SINGLE DAY is over and it wasn’t all she “thought it would be.” Not exactly the same but similar. The more emphasis one puts on just how special something will be, without ever having done it, the more likely they are to be disappointed.

    Sex is fantastic! But, it takes a while to learn how to make it fantastic. Experience is one of the keys to a fantastic sexual life. You and your man have to learn what you each like and what the other likes. That knowledge is rarely there “The first time” even if you aren’t a virgin.

    You have every right to wait as long as you like, but as you age, the pool of men who are “willing to wait” months or even years will get smaller and small, and honestly, in their late 20s, or older, weirder and weirder (sorry, I know some people are going to freak out, but a guy with a low sex drive who is willing to NOT have sex for months or years is just……weird to me.)

    You have the right to put it off. if you think that will make things better when it finally happens. But, there are consequences to doing this too long, also. Often large consequences.

    And no one can “guarantee” you that “the right guy is willing to wait as long as you make him wait.” Not true. I know a few women who lost perfectly good men to “waiting games.” And plenty of men who really cared for a woman and just ended the relationship because it wasn’t moving forward. (And for most men, and a LOT of women, SEX is an integral part of a GOOD ADULT relationship.)

    I don’t believe that every person has ONE soul mate, so there are men out there, or there is only “one perfect man or woman” for anyone, but after a while “the good ones are taken” (as any woman dating in her late 20s or 30s or beyond) and your search will become more and more difficult. After High School and college, meeting people becomes more difficult, and also the pool of men who are unattached shrinks as well.

    Good luck. You may want to lower your expectations (as many would see them as unrealistic, although I guess you are entitled to “expect” whatever you think may happen) and if you have a man you care about, think about the consequences of NOT making love to him.

    Your mileage may vary.

  206. Long waits are common with teen virgins but if a woman in her 20’s still said “not yet” at 3 months I would figure she’s got some big hangups with sex and I would leave. It is not a matter of not being willing to wait, it’s a matter of what probably lies at the end of that wait.

  207. One thing to remember: If you are selecting a long term partner based on his willingness to wait, you may be selecting him based on something you aren’t intending. Willingness to have an intimate relationship with a woman without sex can be derived from several potential situations on his part.

    1) He could be an idealist that puts some a way of thinking over his/your emotional and physical drives. This can be religion or other ideals.

    2) He could be a very empathetic guy basing his tolerance on your emotional state. This is probably the ideal you are looking for.

    3) He could have low or no sexual desire.

    Conditions 1 and 3 (and there could be others) have a great potential for causing problems later if you do not share his set of ideals or if your sex drive is greater than his.

    Just something to keep in mind and assess as you search.

    Good luck.

  208. I am 18, a virgin, and currently debating whether to have sex with my boyfriend. I am in love, and we have gone out together for over 10 months but I want to wait until we find out if we will be going to college near each other so I know whether it is possible for the relationship last or if it is going to be ending rather suddenly. I’ve been told I should have sex when I am ready, but I know while I may feel ready now I will not be OK if I have to break it off. Sorry, for talking about myself but what I am saying is there are guys who will wait, more than 3 months or 3 dates to have sex. This is pretty normal at my school where many couples go out for at least 3 months before sex. I think sex should be something only done with someone you trust and love but at the same time I would have felt ready to have sex at 6 months if it wasn’t for the split that will most likely have to take place at the end of school. My boyfriend and I have talked about it, and I did make it clear that I was not going to be waiting for marriage, but I did want to wait and I think that was a crucial discussion. I think many people assume that if you are waiting, it is for marriage and that needs to be communicated one way or another when the relationship is still in its beginning stage. I’m sure my boyfriend would have stayed with me through high-school if I had told him I was going to wait for marriage and try to convince me otherwise but, we are in high school, and I doubt he would be willing to continue the relationship into college if he knew he was going to be in a sexless relationship indefinitely.

  209. I want to answer to what SS said, I have felt the wrenching pain of loss without having sex with any of the guys I have been with. I didn’t need that to assess my relationships.One of the good things(but not only that like the fact that I had the guts to walk away and make good decisions for myself) I could tell myself is that this guy didn’t have my first time. Sure I agree that waiting for perfection is unrealistic but it just feels more logical to wait to have a good bond with the other person. Other things count like not being at the right place at the right time or the fact that in between the time where it is statistically admitted to lose one’s virginity (like 15 to 18) and now in my twenties, it felt safer not to be rash in deciding who I have my first time with. I’m not worried about the guy leaving me, I’m concerned with how much the person cares about me when it happens and how special I want to feel. I don’t think perfection has its place in this order of things but I want to place personal value on this. I would be upset if it was that unexciting or overrated.

  210. Madamoiselle L,
    I can’t say I agree with everything you say about choice. Out of the people who haven’t been very successful moving on from sexual abuse, I don’t think all of them simply haven’t made the choice to move on. I don’t know why their wheels haven’t gained traction, while yours did. It’s not so easily understood. For my whole life, I’ve dealt with chronic depression(dysthymia). This is not something most people seem to be able to understand, especially in a man. I’m not sure how well someone with dysthymia would be able to move on from sexual abuse. When someone shows a lack of understanding, sometimes I ask them to look inside themselves at something they haven’t been very successful at addressing, and that other people don’t understand. But then, they don’t seem very inclined to do that.

  211. And speaking of gender. Let me say here that I’m not exactly 100% with the way we’re gendering this, that gals make guys wait for sex and men make women wait for marriage. The sex of the individual is outside of the equation: one person is ready for one thing while the other is not. That is it. And I do believe that guys can take a stake and put time into a relationship for more than just sex. If they are attracted to the person, yes, they will want sex–but they should also want their prospective partner to want it, too. Furthermore, the idea that a woman would be denied sex because a man thinks she is not ready when she has decided she is just reeks of patriarchy. Just as a person has a right to decide not to have sex, they have the right to decide to have sex. And there is nothing wrong with either decision.

  212. Waiting isn’t necessarily about wanting perfection; perfection, is after all, impossible. Some just aren’t ready to take the leap. Pregnancy risk, STD risk, even just having a body not quite used to sexual sensations–all valid reasons for abstaining. And yes, I am aware that STD risks occur outside of intercourse. But my point is, some people just need to wait. A few months may in fact -be- a rush for some people, whereas many here seem to think a few months is a lifetime. It’s individual, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Within a relationship, as has been mentioned, someone can choose to respect that person’s individual need and wait with them, or they can decide it makes them incompatible and leave. It has nothing to do with should or shouldn’t, right or wrong; the only wrong would be if someone is pressured or forced into something they don’t really want to do. Gender-free, independent of orientation–everyone has a right to have sex when they are ready, which means that they should neither feel the need to wait nor the pressure to rush.

  213. I agree with you ML, there are those people who have a sh&tty upbringing (not necessarily sexual abuse, but including that), and then deal with it, move on, and don’t let it define them, and then there are those who have made it their identity, who actually don’t want to get “better” because their identity is tied to their former situation.
    Also agree with Conrad: we have made such a very big deal about sex in our society, with intercourse being the “Holy Grail” of the experience (where some people will do “everything but,” and then hang onto that virginity label)…why? Romance novels aside, most “firsts” aren’t all that great (first sex, first attempt at cooking, first ski lesson, etc.) and get better with time and experience. We don’t wait until we have the perfect kitchen/stove/pan/brand of chocolate to bake our first cake, why do people do that with sex? (“Sorry, honey, I’m not going to even try to bake you a birthday cake until I have that 8 burner Viking range, because I know it will be so much better…”) I wonder if people who are avoiding sex until the situation is “perfect” are just trying to avoid experiencing the pain and loss that potentially comes with any relationship, as though if you find the “perfect” guy, he’ll never do anything to hurt you? Nobody’s perfect, or even close, so I’m thinking some of these people may be in for a very long wait…

  214. Thank you, Rhett Butler, I agree with 100% of what you said. Many women want that ring on their finger in short order, but want a man to “wait” a very long, indeterminate time for sex in some cases. Great analogy.

    Also, a sexless marriage would be a deal breaker for a lot of women, too.

  215. Ah, Jeez, I kinda thought my comment on abuse would be taken the wrong way. WHAT I MEANT WAS, the asshole who abused you already ruined things ONCE for you, if you LET HIM make you a continual victim, and let him DENY YOU a good sex life, HE CONTINUES TO WIN!!!!

    It happened to me, too, you know!

    I REFUSE to take “victim” as my identity. One can get therapy, or one can think the thing through and work through it with increasing self confidence.

    Child sexual abuse is a HORRIBLE thing, but it can be overcome, and if one clings to the status and identity “Victim” there is simply no way she can enjoy her life (unless she hangs around with Oprah, I guess.)

    I wasn’t being “flip” I was being realositc. I know too many women (and a few men) who avoid enjoyable lives and wear their identity as “Victim” as a badge. The abuse was something that HAPPENED to me, however it is NOT what MADE me who I am. I refuse to let that asshole pedophile win, and clinging to a Victim Identity would to just that.

    YOUR mileage may vary. I CHOSE TO MOVE ON and enjoy the rest of my life.

    Spes, I like ya, but you really have to learn to turn down your “I’m shocked and offended.” dial. It evidentally “goes to eleven.”

    What happened was not our fault or our choice. HOW we CHOOSE to deal with it IS our choice. I chose to continue to LIVE!!!!

  216. It’s simple. You wait until you’re ready. Choosing to have sex with anyone — whether you’re a virgin or not — is your choice. You should wait until you feel comfortable with a potential partner. Sometimes that takes a few days, other times it takes a few months. Being physically intimate shouldn’t make or break a relationship.

    I would also urge you to communicate with the guys you’re dating. No, “So, I’m a virgin” shouldn’t be the first thing you say when you meet a potential partner, but if you’re honest about the fact that you’re choosing to wait on sex for the time being, I think you might get rid of some of the hurt feelings and confusion that can often go along with that decision.

  217. She’s not “making” him do anything! That’s a bad mindset to take. It sets up sex as a prize to be won by the right guy.

    And ever see what Eddie Murphy has to say about a man who feels like he’s being “made” to wait, or “made” to win sex like it’s some kind of prize?

    It’s a personal decision and a virgin should wait as long as she wants. It’s got nothing to do with the “right guy,” as far as I’m concerned.

    As for the dudes waiting around indefinitely… wtf? Who but a high school boy would wait months and months for sex? Personally I wouldn’t even try to seduce a virgin – I’d move on out of respect for her values and our obvious incompatibility.

  218. My boyfriend and I waited 2 years before we had sex. We’ve been dating now for almost 6.5 years. Given we were really young and both of us were virgins, the situation may not be completely relatable, but I just wanted to say that you’re definitely making the right choice.

    My boyfriend wanted sex, but never forced me. Even when I said I wanted sex, he asked if I was sure before jumping on the chance.

    A guy who is really going to be there for you in the long run is going to respect your choices. There ARE guys like that out there. You’ll find one. No worries. I’m just glad you’re making the right decisions so far and following your gut about these guys you have been dating. There is no such thing as “too long.” If you did want to wait until marriage, he would respect that if he really cared about the relationship. If you’re not ready, he should respect that. If you’re comfortable enough with the guy, you’ll be able to communicate this and, if he’s the right guy, he’ll get it.

    As for holding out on guys, it’s fine as long as you’re not doing it to spite him. If you’re holding out because you’re not ready, that’s definitely your personal choice.

  219. I think she should guard against being like someone who says their wedding day has to be perfect or is perpetually saying that they haven’t met their soulmate yet. In other words, that she doesn’t have a problematic outlook on the endeavor. If not, then she has every right to wait until she feels comfortable and safe.

    One more thing: If I were her, I wouldn’t make it a point to advertise her outlook. I might not pursue a date with a girl who I knew felt that way, because of pre-conceived notions a la “The Virgin” episode of Seinfeld. But I could easily see myself waiting for a girl that I’m already dating and liking.

  220. The right guy will wait as long as you need… this I know for sure. And I agree with an above poster. You aren’t “holding out” on him. You’re making a mutually respected decision about your body. Way different.

  221. Rhett, I think Spes meant more in the, “I don’t feel like it tonight, honey,” sense of the idea within marriage. Sometimes you don’t want to have sex, and no one–not a husband/wife or anyone else, should force you into it. Yes, you have the right to leave if that is a priority in your relationship, but no one should be forced or pressured into the act. Ever. And yes, rape does exist within marriage.

  222. You can wait as long as you like, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. When the time is right it will be right. The most important thing about having sex with someone else is that you are comfortable with being intimate with them. Whether that takes two days or two years doesn’t matter, what matters is that you feel right about the situation.

    Just focus on loving you for exactly who you are. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. When you focus on loving you and building your confidence you’ll attract a guy who will love you for who you are and will be worthy of being with you.

  223. I agree with the majority of Spes’s comment, particularly that you are not making someone wait on you. If you are 26 and have not had numerous productive, loving relationships and aren’t comfortable having sex with someone for less than that, go for it. I know many men under the age of 35 who share your view. Yes, many. Some are religious and choose virginity as part of their faith, some are less social and have trouble connecting with women initially (just shy no antisocial traits), some have simply dedicated much of their lives to this point to obtaining high-level degrees and didn’t want to risk their future with accidental pregnancies. My point: these men exist, even in your age bracket. Men who will respect you until you’re ready (but who have sexual experience) also exist; again, I know many. These men aren’t always easy to find, but the right man (or men, over time) will come along.

    However, if you can honestly look back at all your ex-boyfriends and former dates that didn’t work out and see a pattern developing in their personalities, likes/dislikes, where you met them, etc…I’d encourage you to either change where you meet them, reevaluate what attracts you to them, etc. Sometimes a few visits to a psychotherapist is helpful for that type of thing, and a good straight-talking friend might serve well too for this…if you are willing to listen.

  224. I wasn’t a virgin when I first started dating my current boyfriend, but I had only done it with my previous boyfriend, and yeah, I did not want the count to get that much higher.

    He is 38, so he has had all kinds of experience before. But was very respectful from the beginning, and when things started to get hotter (like a month after we started seeing each other), I let him know that I had only had sex with my ex, and that we would need to take it slow until I was comfortable. He respected that (and even liked it).

    A few months in, I felt ready, but HE was the one who did not want to rush it, since he wanted to make sure we were going for the long haul first.

    We only started having sex after 7 months together, and it was simply amazing, because once we did it, we were so comfortable with each other and we were both very into each other. So… It is worth waiting, and trust me, there are a bunch of guys who would respect your time and even enjoy the mistery…

  225. Personally, I waited longer than most to have sex. I had other semi-long-term relationships but just wasn’t ready. The guy I lost my V-card to waited 5 months. Unfortunately, he stopped calling right after. So making a guy wait does NOT necessarily mean that he respects you. I was upfront with my current boyfriend that since I was burned in the past, he wasn’t likely to get much action at first(he had helped me through the break-up with my first). He understandably wasn’t totally enthused but he said he waited 8 months just to date me, he could wait to have sex with me. After a month of JUST kissing, I had enough and ripped his clothes off and told him I wanted sex. He actually refused me because he wanted to make sure it was really what I wanted, and not due to being caught up in the moment. He gave in after I pinned him down and climbed on top. 😉 The fact that he was able to ‘resist’ a naked woman for even a little bit made me realize how much he cared. Basically what I am saying is don’t make a guy wait a certain TIME FRAME, make him wait til you are COMFORTABLE.

  226. Let me recast the question to illuminate it a bit more. While the analogy isn’t perfect, let’s replace “sex” by “marriage” and reverse the gender roles and see if it makes any difference. How long should a guy expect to be able to make a woman wait before he commits to marriage? He should make her wait as long as he needs to in order to be sure that she really is the one for him. Conversely, it is not at all unreasonable for a woman to say that she wants to get married, and if it’s not gonna happen in this relationship, then she should feel free to move on. The actual time frame is completely up to the individuals. Whatever each finds reasonable really should be fine.

    The same with sex. We all enter into relationships with priorities, and it is up to each person to negotiate to see that his/her needs are met. Period. Whatever they mutually find satisfactory is the correct length of time. But let’s leave any notions like, “if he really loves you he’ll wait” out of it. It is legitimate to expect sex in a relationship at some point. And a man can reasonably weigh the chance that the relationship will work out against his immediate needs. If he thinks his odds are too remote for a long term relationship, then he should certainly feel free to move on. That isn’t selfish, nor demonstrative of a lack of respect.

    And oh, Spes, I must disagree with you on one point. If I were married and my wife decided one day that she didn’t want to engage in sexual activities anymore, that would be a deal breaker. Big time. It’s absolutely fine to have expectations of your partner, even sexual ones.

  227. I must say that I, too, am appalled by Mad.L.’s statement concerning child abuse. For a woman who claims to be educated, I am stunned that you can write such a harmful and ignorant comment. Your flippant attitude towards childhood sexual trauma is not only insulting to every person who has struggled with overcoming such trauma, but is also dangerous. It is statements such as yours that are used to further abuse such victims.

  228. To The 26 year-old Virgin:
    YOU are not MAKING him wait. If a guy doesn’t want to wait, he has the option of leaving. YOU are NOT holding out on him. No one has the right (even spouses) to expect sex from anyone else. You do not have something that is his nor owe him anything, therefore you are not ‘holding out’ from him. YOU have made a choice not be rushed into something (it just happens to be sex in this case). If a guy likes and respects you enough to want to wait WITH you, then great, but if he acts like you are forcing this upon him, then he doesn’t really respect your decision and isn’t worth your time. How ever long it takes for you to be comfortable with having sex with a guy, is exactly how ever long it is okay to wait to have sex with him.
    Kudos to you for standing by your convictions.

  229. I don’t think it’s right for -anyone- to dictate to -anyone else- how long it should take for them to feel comfortable about having sex. Everyone is different, for different reasons. The point is that she should have sex -when she’s ready-; one can be completely into a guy, completely in love, and just not ready for the physical. And yes, the two feelings can be mutually exclusive, especially if she’s a virgin. So whether you’re being told there’s something wrong with you for not having sex by the guy you’re dating, or by some other person evaluating your relationship, know that the ultimate choice is yours. Do what you are comfortable with, and never settle for anyone who would force you into anything. In fact, being pressured/forced into sex is indeed rape. There’s nothing wrong with waiting, just as there’s nothing wrong with having sex–so long as one is -ready- to do so. If you want to have sex with a guy and truly feel it is time, go ahead–but don’t do it just because of what he may want, or what other people tell you you should be feeling.

  230. Madamoiselle L, I have to say I found your post highly offensive. I’m glad for you that your life worked out the way you want, but you do not need to disparage other people’s choices, nor berate them for their level of comfort.

    Perhaps it was too long ago to remember, but you did have good reason to be scared: sex ups the ante on emotions and can have physical ramifications (like the pregnancy scares you mentioned).

    A person who is self aware will stop and think about these consequences before taking action, you do not seem to think that important or even valid.

    And yet what I take most offense at is your assumption that victims of child abuse is one of two reasons:

    “Neither of which are much of a good reason NOT to have sex, and can easily be overcome, if you think about it in any detail.”

    Your convoluted sentence seems to imply that abuse is simple and should just be thought about in order to approach sex without ramifications. I find it amazing to believe that you had such an easy time healthfully starting to have sex, with no leftover feelings or fears, but good for you. It is probably the case for a percentage of victims.

    But saying that anyone else who needs help is basically just doing it wrong is offensive. I have had friends and friends of friends who were abused, and it is no simple matter.

    As a side note I find it interesting that you say the man you married, who saved you from a life of single/terrible 20’s, would not have waited four months to sleep with you. You’re so sure. Proud almost. I don’t know what that means, but it would be interesting to look at, if you ever want to do that whole self examining thing, I think there would be a lot there.

    To Em and LO: I’m sorry this was so vitriolic, I get worked up over issues of child abuse.
    Also, I waited three months into my first serious relationship. I kinda wish I hadn’t slept with the a-hole, but I loved him and I’m glad to no longer be a virgin.

  231. Thank you for asking that question in such a forum! I identify with your confusion on this and really appreciate the advice from other commenters.

    I am in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man. While we have fooled around quite a bit, we are both still technical virgins.
    This more intentional on my part. He values me enough to respect my boundaries and loves me enough to do whatever I want.

    Of course, I am over the moon happy about this, but do worry if I will ever be as lucky again.

    Bottom line: If he can’t deal with your virginity, then he probably can’t deal with your sexuality.

  232. Wow, I had to comment: Mary said: “Does he communicate well about sex, ask about your motivations and express his own opinions? Or does he make assumptions based on your (non-)actions? If he can’t talk about a common denominator like sex, it’s hard to imagine him taking part in something more profound.” END QUOTE

    Honey, men don”t DO this. His MOTIVATIONS? He’s horny! He LIKES YOU. HE THINKS YOU ARE HOT! What else needs to be said? There is little men hate more than “talking about the relationship.” Yes, there should be a discussion (short, to the point and with as LITTLE emotion as necessary, you ARE talking to a guy, the fact ma’am, nothing but the facts) about birth control, pregnancy, and maybe even getting tested, or reporting on any STIs, but men, for the most part, DO NOT talk about much of anything else concerning “THE relationship” UNLESS it is about trying something new in bed. In fact My Man, when we are just sitting around together with nothing to do, (after several decades together) will say, “Soo, do you want to talk about our relationship?” AS A JOKE! If I jokingly say yes, he feigns fear and runs out of the room.

    You have to meet the Man as he is a Man at least HALF of the way there, and pressing him to “talk about our relationship” with emotion and details and “how do you feel about that?” etc will only make him uncomfortable, and NOT propel “the relationship” forward.

    I need to ask, have you, Mary, actually DONE this with a man? Did it work out? Are you still a “virgin”? Just wondering.

    Your mileage may vary. But, it probably won’t.

    Men aren’t just women with penises. We have to remember that.

  233. This is hard to answer. Maybe not.

    The first man I had sex with waited about 3 months for me to decide I was ready. (that was for intercourse, there was a LOT of “heavy petting” going on before that, enough so there was no palpable “cherry” to “pop” thank Heavens.) I was, of course, only sixteen at the time and afterward even I thought I had made him wait TOO long. I can’t imagine he would have waited much longer, maybe a month or two, but he older and wasn’t a virgin and knew what he was missing. I didn’t yet. I admire his waiting that long. And, I was only sixteen.

    At the time, I had no idea he was “the one” just a guy I felt I was in love with, really liked, he really liked and loved me, and sex just seemed to be the next step AND we both really wanted to do it, a LOT. I would not have regretted it, even if we hadn’t ended up together some time later. You have to take the plunge eventually, I say better sooner than later. JMO.

    After trial of fire and ice, this man and I eventually found our way back to each other and have now been married for many years, and have children, home and great sex life. I can’t imagine if I had lost him, because I put off making love to him because I was “afraid” of sex. (And, to be honest, at the time, I wanted to, but was terrified, with NO good reason, except a Catholic upbringing and had had a sexual abuse situation in my childhood. Neither of which are much of a good reason NOT to have sex, and can easily be overcome, if you think about it in any detail.)

    At 26, I had a house which we own, a husband (the one who got to pop my cherry) and two kids….. and was still watching some of my single friends still plow through bars and clubs and one night stands, and pregnancy scares, and guys who never called back and biological clocks, and other assorted terrors of singles in their 20s. [shudder]

    I can’t anticipate dating again in my life now, barring a very serious catastrophe. If so, I don’t think I’d wait for a man to have sex beyond 3 or 4 dates or so, if I had any fondness for him in the least. Three months? I don’t have that kind of patience. Nor that low of a sex drive. But, it takes all kinds.

    I need to ask, what ARE you waiting for? Even if he isn’t “the one” by THREE months you should be able to know if you “trust him” or not, know that we cared about each other, should have chosen a form of birth control, have discussed what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, and should feel pretty damn horny by now. I know My Man and I did all this, when I was still in High School.

    If he isn’t “the one” SO WHAT? Chalk it up to Good Experience, and move on, the burden of your “virginity” gone and best forgotten. What ARE you waiting for? You won’t find “perfection” in a man, anymore than a man will find “perfection” in a woman. A good relationship and similar interests and enjoying your time together and caring for each other is really all that it takes.

  234. Of course there are guys out there that will wait for you. But the real question is, why is sex something we feel we have to wait for? It’s what we are built to do. Everything else is societal.

  235. There’s also a good chance that you could find a guy who is a virgin. Or is that a misnomer where you, as a virgin, at 26, would not want to have “inexperienced and virginal” sex? Perhaps you would prefer your foray into the sexual world be with a seasoned “expert”? I know a few good men who are truly fantastic guys who feel the same as you do regarding sex. Perhaps if you gave up the misplaced notion that as a woman, you are the only one out there not willing to throw away the idea of a meaningful experience just because you’re afraid it doesn’t exist or worst, has become passe. I applaud your diligence on this matter. Go snag yourself a fella who shares your charming and focused ideals!

  236. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and am still a virgin (at 18). He says he will wait for me as long as I need him to. Find a guy like him!

  237. Kudos on waiting for the right guy. I had that exact same situation. I dated around, but wanted to wait until I met the right guy for me, which didn’t happen until I was 28. We dated for 4 months before I was ready (but we only saw each other on the weekends). During that time, we fooled around a bit (he was experienced and knew I was a virgin), and he would sometimes ask if we could do it, but always backed off once I said no. When I felt ready, I was confident that he was the right guy for me. He later said he was glad I made him wait because our relationship could develop at a slower pace, and he was happy that I trusted him with my first time. He also said that if he likes the girl, he can wait longer for sex, but if he doesn’t really like her, he will pressure her for sex sooner.
    I don’t know how long is too long… but I’m pretty sure he would have waited longer than 4 months. I’m the one who couldn’t wait!
    So yes, guys who respect girls do exist, but I had to wait 28 years to find a guy like that!

  238. I agree with Sophie. I think that if, after three months, you still don’t feel comfortable enough to have sex, then maybe the guy is the problem. Instead of saying, “How long should I wait to have sex?” maybe it should be “How long should it take a guy to show me he’s great?” A good guy — the right guy — will do that pretty quickly.

  239. If after three months with the same guy you don’t feel confident enough with him to have sex, you’re only dating jerks or you are afraid of men/sex. Perhaps you should think about why you never felt ready, and then be honest with your partner. In a situation where a woman makes them hold out for sex, I suppose a lot of guys would think she’s playing games, à la “you’re not going to have any until you buy me a pony”. Communicate, tell him you need to feel confortable around him to be intimate with him, but to do so you need to know how he can make you feel confortable first.

  240. I’m 29 and have the same story. It’s taken me a while to see that how he treats you on this topic is a pretty good indicator of how he will act on other things. Before anyone accuses me of manipulating, I don’t use sex as a proving ground; this is just a side-benefit.

    Does he communicate well about sex, ask about your motivations and express his own opinions? Or does he make assumptions based on your (non-)actions? If he can’t talk about a common denominator like sex, it’s hard to imagine him taking part in something more profound.

    How would he feel about sleeping with a virgin, or does he just run for the door? I’ve had a guy say that, even if I were willing, he wouldn’t want to take on the “burden” of my virginity and the inevitable emotions I would feel for him as my “first”…and he didn’t want to spend time on an inexperienced sex partner. See? Better off without him.

    And the ability to communicate goes both ways. Do you feel comfortable having these discussions with him? If not, then you may have trust issues that don’t bode well. Or maybe you’re not that interested, if you don’t want to push that envelope. And I believe Em and Lo always recommend getting the skinny on various health questions, comfort zones, contraception, etc.

    So, common sense, trust your gut, and when in doubt, you know your vibrator still loves you 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *