Dear Em and Lo,
I have a friend let’s call him “A”, we used to be closer, but as time has gone by, we probably see each other every other month or so, and the occasional email of non-importance (humor, etc). I’ve known for a while that “A” has had a crush on my wife. In fact all my friends think she is a catch.
“A” sends my wife emails several times a week, political commentaries, humor, a little bit of everything, but nothing too personal. My wife was recently hospitalized for several weeks. “A” went out of his way (30 or so miles) to see her several times a week. While she was in the hospital she was up all hours, and my friend would drunk dial her. During these conversations he would tell her about how much of a crush he has always had on her, how special he thought she was, how she should go to baseball games with him (season ticket holder), how he was lonely and needed a woman in his life, and would also ask her for advice on meeting women.
My wife was very upfront about this happening, and just blew it off as him being harmless, and that he was making up for the times when he had dropped the ball in years past when we had a mutual friend in the hospital, and he didn’t step up to the plate.
When I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends called me more than her, emailed me, flirted with me, drunk dialed me, etc., my wife said she got the picture and that it would be inappropriate.
Not more than 20 minutes later my wife said she was going to call him, to make sure he wasn’t embarrassed by the things he said during the drunken conversations.
Now he is coming over for dinner.
I don’t have many close friends, so losing a friend really hurts. I know my wife isn’t attracted to him, but I still can’t stomach his behavior. I feel disrespected.
I have already been struggling with my lack of close friends, trying to figure out what I am doing wrong, why I have acquaintances instead of friends, why I no longer have deeper friendships in my life? Believe me I am keeping my therapist busy.
Do I keep this friendship? Do I try and salvage it? Or do I walk away?
— Virtual Cuckold
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Fuzzy, I think you’re missing the point: this situation isn’t about what is legally true, it’s about respecting one’s spouse, and acknowledging that selfish ego-boosting actions can be hurtful to your spouse, period. You have already mentioned elsewhere that you “aren’t good at being married,” well, this is what is being discussed here, what works in a marriage, not what works in an open/”sexual sharing” relationship, which is more what you seem to be advocating. It sounds like you can’t get past the idea that this woman’s husband, and other commenters, are wanting to have her cut off ties with A, and you see this as some sort of patriarchal dominace thing…I think that’s reading too much into it, it’s really just about respect, plain and simple. If she loves and respects her husband, she won’t do things that hurt him, including flirting/accepting flirtation from other men. I also think it’s pretty clear this isn’t a casual friendship that her husband is upset about, it’s one that has crossed what most people see as acceptable boundaries. Please remember, Fuzzy, that what you are advocating to other commenters (sexual sharing, no jealousy because you don’t actually have any claim to another person) is a pretty unique viewpoint, and wouldn’t work for most married/committed people…it’d be like the Pope trying to teach a Sex Ed course…
It still isn’t the guy’s problem. If she doesn’t like it, it is up to her to tell the friend to stop…..If the husband doesn’t like it, he still doesn’t own the wife’s interactions. He canNOT determine her friends, as she is neither chattel property nor a minor child.
As a married woman, I enjoy getting hit on every once in a while. There isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t enjoy the affirmation that she still “has it!” But I can tell you, nothing turns me on more than when my husband puffs up his chest and lets the other guy know it’s time to back off the goods. Call it whatever you want to call it, but it usually ends up putting a spark in our evening! I get the affirmation that indeed I can still attract others, and my husband gets to pound his chest with his fists. Primal, I know, but we all enjoy it.
The issue comes when the woman is actively seeking attention from other males to fill some void. A good solution….try not to overthink the situation too much. It’s just another form the ego is taking to revive itself; it doesn’t have anything to do with who the two of you are as people. Take a deep breath, clear your mind and erase your thoughts about the situation, and you can take action from that place of power. Step up, tell the guy to back off, and claim your woman! That man has no right to enjoy flirtatious adventures with your wife. That is for you only. I know it sounds carnal, but by showing her that you are a man of power and that you can and will stop any other man’s advances, she will know that you value her enough to fight for her. Don’t take her flirting too personally. It’s just an ego boost; once you put this guy in his place, you’ll remind her why you married her in the first place.
As far as the friend thing goes…you’ll be with your wife a lot longer than you’ll be with most friends. And what does it matter that you don’t have hundreds of friends? Does it lower your value as a person? Who is the one telling you that it’s bad you don’t have “enough friends?” It’s just your ego saying that you’re not good enough. Don’t listen to it; it’s just mind-made BS. It’s worthless and it has no power or meaning. You are just fine…enough so that your wife married you, and your so-called “friend” is a desperate single guy reduced to hitting on his friend’s wife!!
After reading this I can say without doubt that A’s behavior is entirely inappropriate and disrespectful not only to his friendship with Virtual Cuckold but also towards Virtual Cuckold’s relationship with his wife. Perhaps if it was just passing along funny or political emails, even if at the rate described, then I’d honestly let it slide, but the overwhelming amount of attention not to mention the drunk dialing, A is treating this man’s wife like she’s an “ex” he’s still hung up on. If he had a crush, then so be it, but that crush has to be in the past. She’s not on the market. In a way it’s sad that this man is so lonely/desperate that he’s pretty much hitting on his friends wife but he needs a wake up call. Either cut it out completely and get over the crush, move on with your life and find a woman on your own who is available, or the friendship is over. No extra chances. Either he stops the behavior or the friendship is over. I have to say I think his wife should be the one to say something because despite her discomfort in hurting A’s feelings, I think she hasn’t helped by letting the behavior go on without saying something. So she should say something and if that doesn’t work, then Virtual Cuckold needs to take a stand and say in no uncertain terms that while he’d hate to lose a friend, his relationship with his wife is the utmost priority and he’s not going to allow anyone into their lives who is trying to undermine that relationship. As for only having acquaintances, I think it’s not that uncommon that as you get older you tend to just have fair weather friends and not necessarily deep bonds. People change and grow up and their focuses and priorities change, and our best friends/buddies we were so close to during school aren’t always going to be there for us and vice versa. A friend who won’t respect you and stop blatantly flirting with your wife isn’t a friend to hold onto in my opinion. Sometimes you have to cut out friends who hurt you even if it’s hard. A friend should better your life and make you a better person, not leave you feeling jealous or questioning who you are like somehow their bad behavior is your fault. Sorry for writing a book there but I couldn’t be any more concise. Lol.
Get rid of the friend. First and foremost, he’s lusting after your wife and disrespecting your relationship with her. That is not a friend, a friend is supposed to be there for you and you hold some sort of relationship with them where you are respected. Sure you say that you don’t have many friends and in todays world friendships are hard to come by, but to consider this person a friend when they are clearly going after someone that you clearly saw was special enough to be your wife, then you might as well cut the friendship loose. Me myself don’t have too many friends and maybe you have the same problem I have, which is letting people close enough to see your vulneralities.
This snake in the grass knows _exactly_ what he is doing. He is trying to position himself as a guy friend, so that if there is a misstep in your relationship, he will be ready to move.
He is a coward because he hides his intentions behind the guise of “friendship.” Some people like to think they can handle a very cosmopolitan and liberal relationships, but they are flirting with danger.
Guy should sit down with other guy and tell him to get lost and be specific. He doesnt need him as a friend. He needs to be very careful and talk to his wife first and let her know what is going down. The snake will feign ignorance and try to make the husband look paranoid and pathetic.
This kind of sociopath needs careful handling.
As for making friends, that is something that he should probably discuss with his wife. Becoming more social and meeting good people is not easy but is a separate problem from this creep hitting on his wife.
Sorry but if I were the guy I would dump the wife and his ‘friend’. No ‘friend’ expresses romantic feelings with someone you are in a committed reationship with. No significant other should fail to recognize how inapporpiate this guy was acting. She is more interested in the flattery (and maybe the guy) then in maintaining her own values. Neither of these people would stay in my life.
I’m with Johnny. Let the men handle this. And I bet the wife wil end up liking the way her man steps in to save her from his perceived threat, even if she doesn’t feel threatened at all.
Personally I think the wife is enjoying this “extra” attention she is getting from “A”. The only one who can stop this so-called “unwanted” attention is the wife. Trust me, if “A” wasn’t getting feedback from her he would stop. She is fueling his fire.
you are in for a shock.you friend will take over you if you wife gives him that much attention.what she calls friendship will turn into love because,for us women our love for somebody grows with time.talk to your friend about that issue.good luck
VC said that his wife is considered to be quite a catch so it goes without saying that she “knows what she has” and also is very aware that other men know it too. She also knows when another man is seriously hitting on her and to call him was bad enough but to invite him to dinner was both an open invitation to him and a slap in the face to her husband. This marriage has some serious issues and it doesn’t have anything to do with her being told who to befriend and who not to. I hate to be a predicter of doom but VC will probably be on the outside looking in before too much longer.
Been there, done that !
Wow “virtual cuckold” that is a strong statement.If you are already feeling calling yourself “cuckold” and you must find this offensive.I say throw your f___ed-up acquaintance the door and you and your wife should seek marriage council. Or you are headed for some future resentments .
A friend of my husband’s hit on me a few years ago. First sign that something wasn’t on the up and up was him calling me instead of my husband to invite us over to some event. Then he said, “Heard you got your sexy body back–bet you’re sooo hot now.” (I had just given birth 10 months ago at the time) I said, “Why don’t you ask my husband? He’s right here,” and passed the phone to him. I could hear this friend screaming, “No, don’t!!!” as I was passing my cellphone to my hubby.
He never tried anything with me again. I relate this because I’m wondering why the wife didn’t shut this friend down considering he was already very blatantly hitting on her, and she knows her husband doesn’t like it. Like Real Woman, I also suspect she’s liking the attention. This is something that VC should also address.
Well in my book this really is a no brainer. I mean come on you are married and a person who is supposed to be your friend is in any way shape or form “HITTING” on your “WIFE”. Hey i commend you first off for not hitting on him with your fists. And second this guy is not your friend, like a couple people said before me he is a scumbag. Kick his ass to the curb before you have to kick his ass on the curb.
Good ridence MF and dont come crawling back. As in see C-YA later, like later later, never.