We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below:
Dear Em & Lo,
I have a problem with my husband watching porn. He knows I dislike it; I even gave him and alternative once, me or the porn. I thought he chose me. I have sadly realized that he has been watching it and I don’t know for how long now. We don’t have problems with sex other than we don’t get any time to ourselves because of life; i.e. kids, work, tired, whatever.
I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque. I feel that if a man is happy at home, then he doesn’t need to cheat or watch porn. If I am not satisfying him in bed then he needs to tell me, not watch porn. I feel that porn in one sense is a form of cheating. Who is he thinking about when we are having sex, me or the girlfriend, me or the porn?
I don’t know what to do. If he is going to continue to watch porn, I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore and he knows this and does it anyways. I don’t know what to do. To check his computer for the porn, would only verify that he is watching it, and in the same it violate his privacy, but on the other hand, I can’t just confront him about it because I am afraid he is going to lie to me because he knows I won’t have sex with him anymore.
Lately I have even turned him down because I suspect his porn problem. He has changed in how we have sex that makes me suspect this. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him again until I know. Then I will wonder if he is lying to me. So what do I do?
— Porn Ultimatum
What should P.U. do?
I only have one thing to say that everyone else hasn’t pointed out yet: if you break up with this guy over porn… well, pretty much every guy out there except for the deeply religious ones watch porn. You will always have this problem with any guy.
I’m not a kid(I’m over 50). I don’t look like Barbie (I’m pretty average and overweight). And I’ve had affairs with around 30 married men. I met them online and every one of them contacted me. (No, I’m not a hooker.) Why? In the majority of cases, their wives quit putting out. It’s that plain and simple. Some said how much they loved their wives, and they certainly didn’t want to leave them, but her demands were unreasonable, her criticism was ovewhelming, she had no interesst, etc. Trust me, telling a starving man that you will not feed him until he quits looking at McDonald’s ads is NOT going to work.
Oh… and you know what? We went from sex 1x a month, to at least 2x a week, and now let’s just say I’m a very happy woman, and he’s a very happy man… every single time.
I used to have issues with my husband looking at porn, and he had issues with wanting to look at it too much. It really came down to some seriously deeper issues with us, and I think that’s what’s going on in your case. You both need to examine why you are acting the way you are. Why are you disgusted by it? Why do you not trust his feelings for you? Is he at the point that he’d rather look at porn than have sex with you? Why?
I tried the same ultimatum you issued, and it’s not as simple as that. You need to examine and see if there’s anything you can be doing to help your sex life. For us, we got counseling for our emotional issues, talked those through, and then dealt with the actual reason why porn was attractive to him.
In the end, it came down to a lack of adventurousness and putting too much pressure on ourselves to perform, (leading to lack of climax for both of us) and not even enjoying sex when we had it. After some naughty sexy picture exchanges via e-mail between us while my hubby was on a business trip, it opened a new world to me. My husband did want ME. But he didn’t want me to be shy, or unsure of my abilities to turn him on. He was missing a sense of confidence from me. He started buying me sexy lingerie and we started using it. A lot. I learned to slow down and not get so frustrated if things didn’t go perfectly, and he realized that he didn’t have to perform all the time either. We both chilled out and learned to focus on the sensation rather than trying to make the other person happy. Now he’s a very happy “wife-porn” watching hubby and our sex life is waaaaaaaay better than it has ever been because we’re more relaxed and I’m more confident in my sexuality. And he doesn’t feel the need to look at porn anymore.
We have very busy lives too. (Parents of a medically-challenged 2 yr old) and are constantly traveling/working/etc. but we make our love and sex life a priority. It is a vital part of marriage. You have to nurture it, but you have to have fun with it too!
I gotta be honest, the way you’re going about this is horribly wrong. First off, you need to analyses why you dislike porn. “It’s disgusting”, is not a reason. Do you disagree with it on a gender level? Do you find it exploitive? Do you just find the activities they do unrealistic? Are you a little insecure and need a little romantic reassurance that he still wants you? Then when you figure it out, for god sake *talk* with your husband, don’t lecture to him. Explain how it makes you feel and then decide *together* what the best solution for the situation is.
Jesus people! Why is everyone being so rough on this lady? Everyone has different opinions about porn and there are a lot of women who feel very insecure/unattractive when their significant other looks at porn. I think that she is overreacting but you don’t just get to jump on her and start calling her crazy. People have different kinds of hang ups and in a marriage you have to be able to respect these and maybe figure out where they come from. It sounds like she has some scarring from her past in that realm if she is not even able to sleep with her husband now. Men are so jaded in regards to the content of porn that they have lost touch with how base and disrespectful most of it is. Maybe if they viewed it from the perspective of the one who is the objectified in every film they would understand why many women bristle at it.
As a very happily married man of like 10 years here, I’d like to say, If this were him writing in, I’d suggest he leave you. I also disagree with many things said so far. You should definitely take a look at the link at the bottom of Emily’s post.
First off if you want him to stop watching porn, you are wrong. If you want to tell him what kind of porn to watch, you are wrong. If you tell him or get him to agree to stop watching porn he’s either going to resent you and lie or resent you and leave eventually.
Men watch porn for many reasons. Sometimes I watch porn just so I can “get off” quickly. Sometimes so I can build up material for the ol’ spank bank. Sometimes it’s to “reasearch” material for future sex with my wife. Sometimes its to find porn FOR my wife, sometimes its to find porn we’d both be interested in. Sometimes its to see something disgustingly filthy that for some reason I still find sexy. And many more reasons. None have EVER been because I wanted to “cheat” or “leave” or “replace” the person I am with.
Here’s a question for you, my wife could come CLOSE to getting me to stop watching porn if she put out enough. But are you willing to do that? She’s not. Almost no woman is. My wife would have to be willing to drop trou and put out a quickie a MINIMUM of 3-5 times a day. I don’t blame her that she’s not, and she doesn’t blame me for jerking it. Frankly I don’t blame her for “clicking the mouse” whenever she feels like it either. We have a lovely healthy relationship because of this.
I really don’t like the sound of people assuming they know what kind of sex would be “pleasurable” to anybody other than themselves, and sometimes not even that. I know women that find pleasure in being branded and cut with razor blades, not much porn has that in it. You can not assume what people like or dislike; Rule 34 man, rule 34*. Sometimes people watch porn to get a bit of what they like that their significant other doesn’t. What if he gets turned on by shitting on a girls chest and shes WAY not into that, but watching a bit of porn about it is enough for him. She certainly shouldn’t be expected to participate, but she also should have NO say in what turns him on, and vice versa.
I feel that if you want to dictate terms about someone elses needs and desires, you have a big problem. You need to fix yourself and you shoulnd’t DEMAND that others change themselves while you do. And if you can’t accept them as they are, you need to find someone you can accept or learn to be alone.
* Rule 34 –http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rule%2034
Stop!!! Stop already!!!! He doesn’t have a problem because he watches porn!!! But you might have a problem because of the way you are over-reacting!!! Porn is not cheating — plain and simple. So let’s get that off the table right away. And you say he watches porn and still wants to have sex with you? So what’s the problem? You say you gave him an “alternative” but what you really gave him was an ultimatum. How did you expect him to react to an ultimatum? I would suspect the same way you would react to an ultimatum. What if he said “well I’m not having sex with you as long as you don’t let me watch porn” sound ridiculous, doesn’t it. So does your ultimatum.
This cries out for a CONVERSATION.
You obviously have some serious issues related to porn. You said it yourself : “I grew up with porn in the home and grew up thinking it is disgusting. I have tried to watch it with him, it does nothing for me, and I find it grotesque.”
Okay, so you think it’s grotesque, and he finds it stimulating. Find some common ground with ultimatums.
The porn only appears to be hurting your ego. Your husband apparently is still turned on by you and wanting to have sex with you.
Explore your inner feelings more closely. I have a feeling this situation really isn’t about your husband’s normal desire for porn but because of a much larger, much different issue. Good luck.
There are a lot of issues here, so let’s take them one by one.
1) Your disgust of porn: As a woman who watches porn, I do not understand why you think that it’s cheating. As other commenters have said, it’s just like masturbating, but watching the scene instead of imagining it. I do understand being turned off by it, as most straight (and lesbian) porn is made specifically for the straight male gaze, and is therefore not erotic to a straight female. “hannah” suggested finding female-friendly porn to watch with your husband, which is a great idea. I’d like to suggest finding websites (like xtube) where couples upload videos of themselves and their partners. There’s no cheesy music, no unrealistic bodies, no coercion, no female degradation, just people having sex with each other. That might help your disgust a bit.
2) Your expectation that he stop watching porn: This is unrealistic. It just is. Nearly all men (and some women!) watch porn. Why? Because they like to watch people having sex. This isn’t cheating. Is it cheating when he watches a movie with a sex scene in it? No, of course not. Would you consider him kissing someone else cheating? Yes? Well, what if the couple sitting across from him on the subway is making out? Now he just watched someone else kissing, is that cheating? No, of course not. That would be ridiculous. So why is it that watching porn counts as cheating, even though he’s not actually engaging in any kind of behavior with another person?
Men watch porn. This has nothing to do with how happy they are in their relationship, it’s just a masturbation aid. In fact, a Canadian researcher tried to conduct a study about how porn affects the way men view women, but he couldn’t find enough men who don’t watch porn to make a control group*. Seriously. So stop viewing your husband’s porn habit as somehow indicative of his feelings on your relationship. That being said…
3) His feelings on your relationship: If he wasn’t unhappy before, he is now. How would you like it if he told you that you can masturbate, but you’re not allowed to create scenes in your head while you do it because what if you’re thinking about that when you have sex with him? By demanding this of him, you’re being incredibly controlling and manipulative. By telling him that he’s not allowed to watch porn because YOU don’t like it, you’re telling him that your preferences are more important than his. I’m sure that makes him feel less like an equal or like he’s a valuable part of this relationship.
4) YOUR feelings on your relationship: Are you sure that you want to stay in this relationship? It seems to me like you’re doing everything in your power to break it up. You make an unrealistic demand, then get upset when he doesn’t meet the terms of your demand, then tell him that you’ll stop having sex with him if he doesn’t meet your terms, then you STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM ANYWAY despite lack of proof. Do you want to have sex (and a loving, happy relationship) with your husband? Because if you keep this up, a) he will leave you because of your emotional abuse and lack of trust, sex, and communication skills (you’re afraid to talk about it so you just assume he’s done it? Really?) b) since you’re already withholding sex anyway, he’ll watch porn because of his lack of sexual satisfaction, which you will inevitably find out about, and you’ll stop having sex with him completely, or c) you will succeed at beating him into submission, causing him to be unhappy and resentful.
None of these seem to be very good outcomes, so I suggest you calm down about the porn. You can even create a don’t ask don’t tell kind of relationship where he pretends not to watch porn (and is discreet and clears the history), and you pretend not to know. But if you want to stay in this relationship, you have to let this battle go.
*Source: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/12/02/Study-stymied-by-lack-of-porn-newbies/UPI-40171259794963/
I think you have the right to deny him porn and if he loves you he would stop watching. Help him out, buy him some books(with out pictures but with sex scenes) if you don’t like that he looks at other women.
If you don’t like the roughness of porn or are morally opposed try directing him to tantrachair.com under “films”. This is sweeter sex on screen – and since I showed it to my boyfriend he actually prefers this to traditional porn.
Don’t give him any ultimatums, don’t leave him, but really honestly have a conversation about why you despise his porn habits so much.
I asked my boyfriend not to look at porn for a while and he complied. While he took a break from porn I started wrapping my head around it, figuring out why it bothering me, reading up on why people watch it. I took a porn break myself I watched porn again. And slowly I came to accept porn. When my healing was done I told him he was allowed to watch porn again (it was only fair since I was doing it!)
I will always view porn as a bit of cheating, like flirting just a tad too much with the guy in the bar, but I decided to open my relationship up just a smidge – and you know what? Didn’t change a thing.
Porn was introduced to me in a bad way and I made it something sinister in my head as a young adult. I can’t become excited by watching porn. But I am human and I masterbate and I know there’s a whole highlights reel of our best sex running in my head while I do it. There, I said it!
I made the leep to understanding he needs a visual to get excited without me. I know I can’t be everywhere all the time and he explained to me he seriously just wants a quick release sometimes. I don’t believe in any way that I am cheated on, but I didn’t go all “I said NO” about it. I just didn’t understand and was uncomfortable. We talked. I said, I didn’t want to see it or know about it really.
Flash forward 15 years and when he comes to me and says “Baby I saw this move I wanted to try…” I practically jump out of my skin I’m so happy that he watches stupid, ugly porn! He brings the parts he wants to physically try to our bed/garage/car/rooftop/lounge chair… God I love that man. Anyways the porn isn’t his beloved.
Here’s how I see it… Porn can be ridiculous, disgusting, or outright misogynistic. It makes me feel awful as a woman and I really don’t feel comfortable that men get off on that stuff. The issue, in my opinion, is that porn is just made to appeal to the sensibilities of 12 year old boys. It’s not romantic or passionate, and usually the sex that is portrayed seems very unlikely to be pleasurable to a woman. But I think a lot of men grow up with this, and they don’t get as good as we do at using their imagination and visualizing things in their heads. So I think for a lot of men, their fantasy life is often very wrapped up with porn.
So asking him to just stop it isn’t really going to work, since he probably is just not as good as you are at thinking up steamy scenes in his head. He never had to learn to do that, since he’s probably been watching porn his whole life. I agree with you that that’s really bad, but since there was very little female friendly porn available to us growing up, we just learned to deal without it.
But at the same time, he should be sensitive to the fact that it makes you really uncomfortable. I think it would be really helpful for you to define exactly what it is that bothers you; is it that it feels unfaithful to you, that the bodies portrayed are not realistic, that the sex is portrayed in a violent way or a way that is unlikely to be pleasurable for a woman… Then, you can try to work out together what sorts of porn he could consume that might be less threatening to you. If I were you, I think I’d try to take some initiative and order some female-friendly porn. Do some research online and see what is available. Then give him some as a surprise and watch it together! That way, you don’t have to feel like it is unfaithful to you, since it’s something you can do together. And maybe when he can share it with you, his need to watch the stuff that makes you uncomfortable will diminish. At the very least, you’re showing that you’re trying to compromise, so maybe he will be willing to really listen to your concerns too.
^ Yeah, seriously, about the lady masturbation – if porn is cheating, then a vibrator is repeatedly cuckolding your man with the pool boy!
Okay, “me or the porn” is not, by any means, an “alternative.” It’s an ultimatum, and a ridiculous one at that. While I can understand that you desire respect for your preferences, consider also that he might like some respect for his. You say you don’t get much time together? Maybe porn is his way of -not- cheating. Unless the porn is absolutely awful (ie, incest, children, bestiality…), I see little cause for your alarm. Do you masturbate? Do you think about sex when you’re masturbating? Do you consider that cheating? It’s the same thing. And, chances are, if he wants to have sex with you on a regular basis, it’s -you- he wants to have sex with, not the porn girls. I mean, look at it this way: if he was watching porn in the years before he met you, and before he married you–and yet, he married you, he loves you and desires you. Period. Stopping sex with him and threatening to leave is not going to do any good; it’s just going to make him feel controlled, which is -not- what you want him associating with you. You said you watched porn with him. Kudos for the effort, but it does nothing for you. So, learn from it: what in the porn is he responding to? Could you perhaps find a way to bring that into the bedroom? If you don’t have to see it, or see him watching it, and it’s not interfering with your sex life or your relationship (in any way that you yourself aren’t instigating), then it can be dealt with. I’m giving you an ultimatum: your husband, whom you love dearly, or no one and no porn. Think about it.
Settle down sister. You’re making this a WAY bigger deal than it needs to be. Porn is not cheating. It just isn’t.
Are you really going stop having sex with your husband – maybe even leave him, breaking up your family – because he likes a little alone time on the computer?
If you were asking him to meet you half-way, make some reasonable compromise, I could understand. I could also understand if he had a major porn problem, which doesn’t sound like the case. But a total ban on porn, or else!? He’s a grown man and you’re his wife, not his mom!
You can think it’s gross, you can reasonably ask him for discretion and to keep the porn-wanking to a minimum, and to learn to clear the history. But that’s all you can reasonably ask. Demanding anything more is control-freakery and drama-queenery.
And it breeds white lies. You can go on and on about how wrong white lies are, or you can be a pragmatist about it: he thinks you’re being unreasonable about this, and while he doesn’t think he should have to go along with it, he doesn’t want to take a stand that could bust up his marriage either. Plus, logical discussions and honesty don’t work when one party (in this case you) refuses to be moderate about it. You’ve cornered him here. Not the most honorable way to handle it, but what do you expect?
Here’s something you may not have thought of: maybe it’s not your sex life your husband is unhappy with. Maybe it’s resentment at having a bossy, insecure wife, which no doubt affects other areas of the marriage. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t seem to care that much whether you stay or go. Maybe he’d rather be single than have a wife who makes her point by denying him sex. Perhaps you – all people, not just you – should take a good long look in the mirror before making a hard-and-fast decision that your partner is the one with the problem.
Food for thought.