Your Call – Should You Have Extracurricular Sex If Given Permission?

photo by batega

Dear Em & Lo,

First off, I will say that I love my boyfriend. We are extremely compatible in almost every way. Except sex, and here’s why. About two years ago my boyfriend ruptured a testicle. Sex is now extremely painful for him and he has difficulty reaching orgasm. As a result we rarely have sex. We have talked about it a lot and there seems to be no easy solution. He encourages me to have other sexual partners but I am worried doing so will make him feel inadequate. We do a lot of S&M in and outside of the bedroom and I don’t want him to feel replaced. He insists that it is ok with him and that he wants me to be happy, but im not sure if i can. I almost feel like if he can’t have sex than i shouldn’t be able to either. I know its messed up, but im not sure what to do.

— To Screw or Not to Screw?

What should “Screw” do? Advise her below…


  1. So I am pretty sure I am in the minority, but I do think it can work & can help the relationship. A couple of posters were harsh about not wanting to have it removed because of his career – really? I find it very hard to imagine anyone I know man or woman giving up their career for sex – it is not the end of their relationship – it is a part of it. There are all kinds of intimacy and yes ways to satisfy her without sex – but the pure physical act of sex it very powerful and I think going without it indefinitely without a medical reason as he has is not likely. To have an open an honest discussion about it, along with ground-rules & boundaries could end up saving the relationship not destroying it.
    A lot of it depends I think on her specific personality. To be able to form some compartmentalization in your life. He said he doesn’t want to watch (although some guys are into that) but does he want to know? Do you tell him before, after? not at all? There are a lot of things that should be discussed so you are both clear and you need to check in with each other at certain times to be sure it is still working for the other person. This is not about having another boyfriend or a long term affair – this is occasional sex. Sure there is some risk – but there is also risk in denying that there is a lack

  2. Oh, and while it may seem like a good solution to you that she do this, what are you going to do if she gets pregnant by another guy and he asks her to marry him?

  3. he has CLEARLY made HIS choice – career over sex with his partner ! Time for you to choose if you can deal or not!

  4. I just don’t see how your relationship would ever or could ever last in a situation like this. It doesn’t sound to me like the author wants to have sex with other men but the boyfriend is saying that he will NOT remove the testicle which is causing the pain and problem to have a completly normal and happy sex life because he is a professional athlete. I think that everyone needs to feel that connection with thier partner to have a lasting relationship. If she is always getting sex from somewhere else,she will more than likely end up developing a relationship with the person she is having sex with.

  5. Hi, first and foremost, my Girlfriend (author) just showed me her posting. Let it be known that I do feel guilt that I cannot endure intercourse with her; but I can’t.
    I’m going to answer questions quickly and go back to eating my bagel, maybe this will help.
    – I cannot remove the testicle, as I am a professional Athlete, and, while yes, 1 little dude still produces most of the Testosterone that a normal male would need for day to day activities, the very true fact is That I am anything but a normal male. Far from it, and I do need 100% of the Testosterone to stay competitive.
    – I don’t care to see her with another man, just to know that she’s happy. She’s welcome to engage in sex with other men, and I say that because I want her to enjoy sex, even if it’s not with me.
    – Should probably clear this up: I have always been of the opinion that sex should be shared with as many others as possible, and that she shouldn’t be restrained to just one person (me). Now, while my partner may not always feel that way, and may want me to be exclusively attached, sexually, to them, I do not share the same thoughts in regards to them, and have never cared, as long as my GF at the time would tell me she was doing so.
    – As far as why I’m suggesting it: It’s not some odd fantasy that I have, or that I secretly desire to see her with another, I just always felt that if I could not satisfy my partner, or there was something/someone they wanted to experience that I could not give them, then I would not stand in there way; to Do so, IMHO, would be Dick. And I’m not a D*ck. I’m a fairly nice guy, and, as such, I always have wanted my partner to be happy. So, there really, seriously, isn’t any other reason as to why I would want her to be with another, other than because I’d want her to be happy, and enjoy something that I could not give her.

  6. No answers, just a lot of questions. Are you planning on staying with him forever? Do you want to have kids? Can he? Would you be able to live without sex or do you think you’d end up breaking up with him? Do you think he is suggesting this because he is afraid he will lose you otherwise? Would he enjoy watching you with others? You seem to still have a sex life, just no intercourse – are you dissatisfied with that or is he the one feeling inadequate at not being a proper man? Do you think that if you had sex with someone else you would fall in love with the other person? Is that what’s holding you back? Do you want sex with anyone else? Does it bother you that he is not jealous? Do you think he would feel inadequate because at some level you would like sex better with someone who could have intercourse with you?
    I’m also confused – I can see why orgasm might be painful, but doesn’t he get erections from the other things you two are doing together? Why is sex more painful than anything else? Why not use dildos together? Has his libido disappeared too?
    I guess for me the ideal would be for him to get help from a doctor and if that didn’t work to have sex together in other ways and using sex toys. I wouldn’t want to risk outside sex leading to love or jealousy. Although I could understand wanting to break up with an issue like this, as harsh as that is.
    Could outside sex work for you? I don’t know, but I think you have to take a hard look at why he is suggesting it and how it would feel to you.

  7. Maybe he can bring you to orgasm using other means (vibrators, fingering…etc.), so you both still share intimacy but he still gets the emotional satisfaction of getting you off without experiencing pain from his testicle, and you still get intamacy and orgasm(s) from your boyfriend without the drawbacks of extracurricular sex.

  8. He might actually be turned on by the idea of you having sex with another man… Giving “permission” could be his round-about way of bringing it up.

  9. Removing the ruptured testicle (i.e. the problem) is not much more of a surgery than a vasectomy. It still leaves him with one testicle (for hormone production and any future procreation), and should take care of the pain.

  10. That is definitely a tough call…one that I’ve never had to make. If the intimacy is inevitably going dwindle either way, I say try bringing someone else into the bedroom. Maybe he’ll be happy just knowing you’re being satisfied in a way he can’t provide (except with a strap-on as mentioned above). This probably won’t work as a long term solution, but you might as well try it.

  11. I think I have to concur with Alan that no matter what you do, it’ll be wrong.

    You lose intimacy with him when you don’t have sex anyway, so saying you’ll lose intimacy with him when you have sex with someone else doesn’t necessarily change that.

    I suspect you may just have to work out some sort of compromise: if he just plain can’t enjoy it and doctors can’t help at all, he can still work on you there. And maybe do have sex with other people from time to time (just not enough to attach to any one guy).

  12. I have no idea what you should do; I don’t even know what I would do. (Or, more accurately, I think I know now but am sure it would be a different thing in real life). I can, however, if this is a real question, offer real advice.

    Just remember: Whatever you decide will be wrong.

    Seriously, in any hard decision, you will very badly regret the decision you make. There is no solution; there is just one thing that maybe makes it hurt less, and you’ll never know which it is.

    So do something. Anything. Flip a coin or believe your boyfriend or take a trip to Afghanistan. (I can give you friends to look up.) Anything. And accept that it’s wrong. And go on.

  13. I cannot believe that a doctor cannot fix his orgasm problem.
    At least the pain part!

    I’d lead the pack and say “Not to Screw”

    Have him wear a strap on and do you. I just feel your intimacy will leave the relationship when you leave for outside sex.

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