We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:
Dear Em & Lo,
I am currently seeing someone from my high school years of more than 25 years ago. He is currently married, I am divorced, and I happened to call him about a problem with my mom’s car. We live in different states so when he heard my voice on the phone, he immediately said how much he loved me in high school but never told me so. After we resolved the car issue for my mom, he asked if he could call me sometime. Well, we have not stopped talking. Since I started talking to him 5 months ago, he has sent for me to meet him in Mississippi 2 times and we are now both in love. He said he and his wife have been having problems for more that 20 years but have not resolved the marriage and neither wants to save the marriage because they do not have what it takes to stay together. He says he never wants to let me go. How should I go about the time frame to give him to make the move to file for a divorce?
— The Other Woman
Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.
I know how hateful the wives are. But think about it. If a man is in a very terrible marriage, shouldn’t he find pursuit his happiness when he finds someone special. Not every one of us is fortunate enough to find his/her true love. I think that once we find this someone special, one should go for it. It is hard to say when I am in the situation as a wife instead of the other woman.
The one I love married his wife because he loved her and he thought that she would be a good companion. However, after he met me, we both realize that we have found our true love.
I have decided to give him time let him get over the guilt of having to divorce his wife and hurt her.
Of course, most of the men who are having an affair are for excitements and other benefits.
We ladies should come together and punish these kind of greedy pigs.
Speaking as a soon-to-be-ex-wife whose husband started up an emotional affair with an unhappily married woman at his workplace…. PLEASE think of the wife and how you would want someone to treat you if you were married. I had a very loving and happy marriage but my quiet and shy husband went off the deep end after being seduced by a crazytown lamebrain like you. He’s not with her anymore but now he thinks there is something better out there…. so much pain and heartbreak you cannot believe. Why not stick to guys who are free and willing to commit to you? You not only do yourselves a disservice but you are destroying the lives of other people in the process. I have no pity for any of you “other women” and hope you all die a slow painful death! KARMA!!!
confused said a bunch of predictable things about the married man she is “seeing” and then said: “I do not want to lose him.” How can you Lose what you never had? He’s married. It doesn’t matter what he SAYS about his wife, it matters what he does.
And, if he wanted to leave her, he would simply DO IT. He hasn’t. So, he can’t be “lost” because he’s hers. You are there to have sex with when HE says he wants it. YOU are a convenience to him. Nothing more. He holds ALL the cards, in both relationships (until she finds out, and then he’ll drop you like a hot potato.)
What is in this for you? Misery? Growing old alone? Knowing he’s with his WIFE most of the time? Knowing if he REALLY “didn’t love her” he already WOULD have left her? Knowing the ONLY time he thinks about you is when his dick gets hard and he doesn’t want to do his wife? Not much in it for you.
Hi, Ladies
I am in a very similar situation. I did give him a time frame. It did not work. He could not leave her even though he said he would. He does not know when. I tried to put a string on him. He just got annoyed. I do not want to lose him. But I can not stand being away from him. (We are currently having a long distance relationship. I have not seen him in person for the last 12 months). He gets all depressed every time I press him to give a date that he will leave her.
I do not know if he will ever leave her for me. I think I will just wait for one more year. If he does not leave her then, I will leave him.
There is an exception though, a friend of mine also fell in love with a man who had been married for over 20 years. He left his wife for her. Now they are happily married.
I hope I am this lucky. I just do not know if my man will ever have the guts to divorce his wife.
i am also currently “the other woman” i have been with my bf for almost a year, for the first 4-5 months i didn’t even know he was married. we are still together, and happy and “in-love”, but i am also going through this dilemma of “time-frame”, like someone above said “easier said then done” i know its difficult to leave when u feel so much in love.
well i suggest(i need suggestions too) give hime a time frame of (6months- 1 year)because that’s what i am going to do now, every time i talk to him about it, he either gets annoyed, or changes the topic, n says “i need time” and when i ask him “how much time” he says “i dont know”,
however my situation is bit diff, cz my bf been married for abt 3 years now, and we talk pretty much all day, so i can tell he has no feelings for her, and doesn’t even spend time with her (the way a happy couple should”
so i think, sometimes other things count as well, pretty much everyone here said, he is not going to leave her, but u know better, how are things between you 2, when he isn’t talking to you..what is he doing? is he with her? no? …you get the point i think…
Honestly, I don’t think this man is really going to leave his wife. And, even if he did, I would never trust him to be faithful to me. I mean, come on, he’s cheating on his current wife with you, there is nothing that can guarantee you he isn’t going to cheat on you when you two are officially together.
Two words: DUMP HIM.
And I mean all of you who are worrying about a guy getting a divorce.
If guys want that divorce, they do it ASAP. Guys are built that way: they know what they want instantly, or they will never ever know.
I’ve waited for more than three years. Wasted time. Don’t do the same mistake. Kick their asses:-P
I am in the same situation. We live over 500 miles apart and his wife’s health has been deteriorating. I put my foot down last week and demanded he get his finances together and divorce her if he really wants to be with me. He said he would, because he does. His wife is back home from the hospital now and we hardly talk. I hear maybe a sentence from him a day, whereas before we talked (through various media) all day long. I am in love with him, and he knows it, but my heart is breaking. It’s hard not being able to talk to him because of his wife, but what kills me is knowing he’s home with her and not me. I also have no way of verifying if he’s even trying to do something about his situation. I keep thinking I should just back out and leave, but for some reason I can’t. Some part of me thinks he really is telling the truth. I guess I am just scared that one day I’ll find out he isn’t and I don’t know how I will handle that.
She needs to have a conversation with the both of them,something tells me that he is not telling her the whole story, and is just after her for sex. How long would it take a man to get out of a situation he is unhappy in? Wake up and go on with your life please!
How about you wait til, she leaves him!! It’s all a matter of time before she finds out. That’s what I did! I left him! Just remember once a cheater, always a cheater!! Sooo, good luck with that! And by the way, most likely he won’t leave..tha’s why I had too..haha!
^yeah, uh, would it be like, one wife cleans house, the other cooks, one takes care of the kids, and one to have sex with? That is why monogamy is such a great thing, you have one person to love, and have sex with. Plus, it cuts down on human population having only one spouse 🙂
Where were you before he got married?well you said he can marry 4 wives but think about it.
I MET MY HIGH SCHOOL LOVE TEN YEARS AND HE IS ALREADY MARRIED TO AN OTHER CLASSMATE OF OURS THEN IN SCHOOL. 3YEARS AFTER THERE MARRIAGE WITH KIDS HE WANTS ME BACK AND AS MUSLIMS HE IS ENTITLE TO FOUR WIFVES AND I LOVE HIM TOO. PLS ADVICE ME.
I, as well as Asia above, was the “other woman” at one point. My boyfriend left his girlfriend of almost 6 yrs.. 3 months after he met me. I gave him a time frame after a couple months. After 2 months I told him he had 1 month to get out or I’m done. He did and we are still together 1 year later. We are getting our first place together in a month or so.
Time frames are very important. They need to know you have a life, too. Their time is NOT more important than yours. Tell him he has to X amount of time to leave or you’re done. Keep your distance in the meantime or you will get crushed if he decides to stay w/ her. That’s what I did.
20 years is a long time to have problems. IMO, he’ll never leave her. PLEASE do not set yourself up for heartache. If you stop talking to him, you will be sad for a while. But, he lives out of state, luckily. OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.
Good luck to you. I would never want to be the “other woman” again and I will never put myself in that position AGAIN. We all learn from our mistakes and I’m afraid this is one that you will be learning from. I wish you the best! xoxoxo
Men will tell all kind of lies to get a woman in bed. Once a cheat always a cheat. He’ll do the same to you. You shouldn’t get involved with a married man unless he’s already filed for divorce. That man is not going to divorce his wife of 20+ years. You need to go get your own single man and leave this one alone. Have you ever heard of KARMA?