Your (Proverbial) Horoscopes: 03-24-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) As you know, a rolling astrologist gathers no moss. So this week, we present you with you your horoscopes in proverb form….

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play slow, win slow; play fast, lose fast.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you are in hiding, don’t light a fire.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
As the dog said, “If I fall down for you and you fall down for me, it is playing.”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It is a far better thing to bespoil your youth than to do nothing with it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking comes repentance.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It is for her own good that the cat purrs.