Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-27-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
As much as we wanted the body wave, the red nails, the off-the-shoulder shirt and the shiny, black, painted-on pants, we always liked — and related to — the inquisitive, thoughtful, pensive Sandra Dee. Personifying Sandy Version 1. 0 this week could really help you transform into the hot, black-clad, sex cat you’re destined to be.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did you think we hadn’t noticed how hot and bothered you are lately? You’re worse than Austin Powers on Viagra and you want to shag, baby. But be careful; people talk. Walls have ears. And nobody “shags” anymore.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve been standing at the edge of the pool for weeks now while your partner beckons you in. Are you ready, you’ve been wondering? Is it really the right time to wrestle naked in Jell-O together? To role-play that farmer/runaway pig scenario? Yes! It’s time! Just be sure to close the blinds first. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The sky is blue. There is no good TV on Friday nights. Fire is hot. Sex is fun. Lindsay Lohan can’t act. Lying and cheating have no place in a healthy relationship. Every now and then, it’s good to remind ourselves of some basic truths.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Secrets are like virginity — you can only give them away once. And they both make for good gossip. Before divulging your secret crush on your first cousin, get to know the person you’re confiding in. (And you might want to check up on your state’s incest laws, too. )

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Yeah, we know we’re a fun-loving, free-wheeling, open-minded, humble sex-writing duo, but there are times when even we’ll tell  you it pays to be more prudish than an English butler. Take a cold shower and lock yourself up with a good book (no erotica!) — do whatever it takes to avoid temptation. Come on, it’s a measly seven days: Don’t you want to at least find out if you’re capable of such a feat?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
People have all sorts of funny relationships these days. You just never can tell who has swinger potential — and that might not be your cup of tea. If you like your relationships vanilla, make this clear from the start — don’t wait till they’re pouring chocolate sauce all over you.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
As Frankie would say, relax, don’t do it. (And we know you know who “it” is. )

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
All that time at the gym, going shopping, getting your hair cut and plucking your eyebrows won’t help you this week. Emphasize that asset that got Shakespeare, George Sands and Oscar Wilde romantic attention: brains. It’s like Jennifer Aniston said in one of those “The More You Know” bits on NBC: “Smart is sexier than stupid any day. ” That’s, like, Shakespearean-esque.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This is not the week to be playing eeney meeney miney moe with people’s hearts. Play with yourself instead. Ba dum ching!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Be more cryptic than the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle and you’ll have everyone wanting to go across and down on you. Don’t give anyone a firm answer for at least seven days.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re on your own this week. Your guess is as good as ours. You are the master of your own destiny. So just be good to your fellow human beings and maybe someone will be really good — and we mean good — back.