Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-03-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t agree to be anyone’s date for the prom just yet. You’ve got months to make that decision and get to know the potential candidates a bit better — and in the meantime, you may become super popular and have even more choices. Bonus! (If you’re not in high school, this is a metaphor. If you are in high school, do your parents know what kind of trash you’re reading online?)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re a go-getter in the love department, a deal-closer. You see something you want, you get it. This usually works. Usually. If you’ve got a particularly tough customer this week, taking your patented pushy approach might backfire. Have a slow hand, an easy touch.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There must be some kind of planet alignment going on that’s particularly conducive to positive sexual energy this week, as it seems a good number of signs are gearing up for action right now, including you Gemini. Don’t ruin it by thinking or talking too much. Instead, let your animalistic tendencies rise to the surface and lead the way to sexual surprises. Farm animal noises are encouraged.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You don’t want to seem overly anxious — ants in your pants are uncomfortable and wearing your heart on your sleeve went out of style with Members Only jackets. But as much as we hate to admit it, Members Only jackets did make a comeback. So honestly and enthusiastically expressing how you feel in terms of sex and/or romance may get you where you want to be this week. And encouraging your (potential) partner(s) to do the same could get them where you want them to be.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If there were a Zagat’s of love (and lust), you’d be working your way from A to Z to find the best cheeseburger around (or perhaps you’re a, um, “vegetarian”?). But it’s been our experience that the most satisfying dining experiences often occur when you least expect them, when you’re not trying to score a seat in the best joint in town. Stop looking so hard and let love come to you. (Of course, sometimes if you head out without a plan, you end up at The Olive Garden. But hey, a meal’s a meal, right?)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t be fooled by the movies and television commercials: Two strangers’ eyes meet across a crowded room, bar, subway; the more romantic of the two approaches, a heart full of love at first sight, and says “Nice umbrella”; then, naturally, they live happily ever after. But the reality for the rest of us is this: Anyone who uses something even remotely resembling a line, no matter how original or sincere-sounding, is a player. They are so smooth because of years of practice. For them, it’s a numbers game: Lay it on thick with enough people and someone’s bound to fall for it, i. e. throw enough against a wall and something’s bound to stick. And we, suckers for flattery, trust that our unique beauty/wit/charm inspired an otherwise shy soul to pour forth such a bounty of romantic honesty. Don’t get played this week, Virgo.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t commit to anything or anyone this week. That means no money down for a time share, no joining a book of the month club, no promises of lifelong fidelity, and no agreeing to that roleplaying fantasy they’ve been dying to try. Wait until you are absolutely sure. That should be some time next week, or some time next year — same diff.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Go with the flow. Take it easy. Change doesn’t bother you. Change is good. It’s all good. Life is full of little surprises. Steer into the skid. Work with it. Be mellow, dude.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, let the hotties come to you. Which doesn’t mean slobbing at home in your rattiest undies while lip-syncing power ballads in front of the mirror. No, you’ve got to cleverly place yourself where the hotties will practically trip over you. It only looks like a passive, chilled out act. It’s actually a full-blown hunt for a D. B. F. (Date By Friday).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Easy come, easy go. Who knows what the heck is going on with your love life — the revolving door to your bedroom is spinning so fast, everything’s a blur. You might want to consider changing your behavior. Or at least changing your sheets.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates (that’s next week, when it’s Valentine’s Day). No, this week, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book — you remember, those wicked cool kids’ “novels” where every few pages you have to decide what the main character does, and thus determine whether or not the adventure carries on or is cut short . . . ? Unfortunately, you can’t simply flip back the pages of your life when you make a sucky choice and start over. So choose wisely, especially this week, lest you wind up alone and miserable for the rest of your life, The End.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t push too hard for what you want or think you deserve. Step back and let whomever you’re interested in come to you. If he or she doesn’t, it’s for the best. How do we know all this? We hear voices.