Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-24-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s a point: . Now get to it. We think you know what we mean.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re a walking Viagra advertisement this week — at least, the “before” part of a Viagra ad. A roll in the sack will be about as appealing to you as root canal work. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent. It happens to all of us, as they say. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad because of it; remind them that absence makes the heart (among other organs) grow fonder.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Prepare to be sexually distracted this week. Spring fever’s hit you early this year and you’re burning up. For those times you really can’t give yourself a helping hand, just think, “Cold showers, baseball stats and Sesame Street.” Otherwise, don’t hold back. The office bathroom, the kitchen table, the backseat of the cab are all fair game, whether you’re with that special someone or just by yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Brief flings involving lots of furniture-breaking, meaningless sex may leave you feeling cheap, but they’re not supposed to break the bank. Put away your wallet. In the immortal words of Shania Twain, That don’t impress me much.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If life is one big circle jerk, you’re the one they’re jerking off to this week. (It sounds gross, but really, that’s a compliment.) Enjoy the attention and try not to take the metaphor too literally.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s the mistake of many a young woman new to the world of romance to express the depth of her caring physically, i.e. “If I sleep with him, then he’ll really know how much I care. ” Ah, youth. You’re older and wiser (and maybe not even female), so don’t go making the same mistakes this week. Take any intimate encounters for what they are: pure animal instinct. Resist projecting your romantic hopes and wishes onto the situation, you sap.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You want sex? Well, sex costs. And right here is where you start paying — in sweat! If our paraphrasing of the classic line from the opening sequence of the Fame television show isn’t working for you, then let us put it this way: Love is work, and work takes energy. This week, eat a lot of Power Bars.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember that not everyone wears the same eyeglass prescription as you — what you may see as a simple date of DVDs and a home-cooked dinner, or a casual romp in the hay, or an adventurous, no-strings-attached weekend getaway with a certain someone, s/he may see as an important step toward committed-relationship status. Make sure their glasses aren’t rose-colored. Better yet, make sure you’re not wearing blinders.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, just be friends. We know, we hate that “friendship” talk as much as the next bitter, jaded single person. But let’s face it: many a beautiful relationship has blossomed from the seeds of a beautiful friendship. And even if they don’t for you, at least you’ll have a good friend to complain to about how you’re not getting any.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
[This horoscope goes out to all the single Caps out there. Sorry, committed Caps, but the singletons need our special attention this week.] So you’re single, eh? Welcome to the club. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable; you could be here for a while. And would you stop whining? It’s not such a bad place to be. Okay, now you’re really starting to annoy us. You’ve been here, what, five minutes? Go out for a run or join a gym or something — it’ll clear your head.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Even though it’s a universal law that the worse you treat someone, the more they’ll obsess over you, you’ll have the power to break the laws of nature this week: be kind, loving and compassionate and you’ll actually get what you want, if you can believe it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll finally put your finger on exactly what it is you want, but your partner will be unwilling to make your dream come true (too busy, too broke, too afraid it will turn them gay). Life’s a bitch like that sometimes.