Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-03-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t look now, but — hey, we said don’t look! Geez, sometimes you’re about as subtle as a sneeze in church. Anyway, as we were saying, just over there in the corner, someone has their eye on you. We think they might be about to make their move. Avoid staring them down or otherwise scaring them off (e. g. sudden jerky motions, dramatic lifestyle changes, a new haircut) and you should find yourself being seduced very soon.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So maybe you’ve got a month of dirty laundry, sixty-four hours of unwatched Tivo television, and a stack of unpaid bills at home. But this is not the week to hide your light under a bushel (or a load of laundry). You’ve got it all going on: great hair week, clear skin, zero water retention — all that and rhythm, baby. So accept every invite that comes your way and get out there and shine.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t do anything this week, and love and romance will be yours. However, if you do do something, even one single thing, you run the risk of a lifetime of loneliness and depression. Have a good week!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Feelings, nothing more than feelings. . . ” Whatever happened to smarts, common sense and a cunning plan? Be strategic in matters of the heart this week. We can’t promise that you’ll win the war, but at least if you lose you won’t look like a spinectomy patient driven by fuzzy feelings and neediness alone.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We love you just the way you are. But it’s not about us, is it? (Though sometimes we forget that.) No, it’s about you. It’s about you feeling good about you. A few changes might be in order. You know, like a new job, a new hobby, a new hangout, a new therapy-inspired outlook on life, a new nose. You’ll be surprised how you’ll thrive in social situations after these changes (especially if you get that nose job).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Sure, sometimes it’s good to sit at home and wallow in the meaning of your particular place in the universe (and whether or not you’ve been seated with the cool kids). But if you’d stop navel-gazing for a few minutes, you’d realize that a certain someone has been trying to make eye contact with you all night. Wake up and smell the hottie!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We know we’re always advising against secret affairs. This is because too many horoscope readers continue to engage in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior, looking to the stars to justify their habit. You dirty dogs. This week, Libras are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn’t do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, you know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean — when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you’re in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world’s citizens at five a. m. and tell them so. This week, forgo the Dutch courage and say all that gushy stuff anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You know it’s always the hot ones you’re super attracted to who break your heart the worst. The cold-hearted cute ones who render you useless, lying in bed on weekend afternoons watching straight-to-video movies on cable and eating whole bags of chips in one sitting. Either that, or they just bore you to tears with their inane banter. Learn your lesson, talk some common sense into your hormones and get some depth — make sure the people you’re with have things to talk about besides their hair products.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If your grandma sends a box of her famous pecan candies to your office, you share them with your colleagues. If you win the lottery, you buy your sister a car. If you make a killing in the tech world, you give a couple billion to charity. Same goes for all your charm and wit — share the wealth and spread sunshine. (It just might get you lucky.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Some may refer to it as “playing the field,” but we like to call it practice. And we don’t think you’ve had enough of it yet. Get out there on the pitch, try some new positions (or a new, um, team?) — heck, try cheerleading for a week. You might be surprised how attached you become to those pom-poms. Don’t buy the jersey or sign on the dotted line until you’re sure you’ve found what you’re looking for.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If you’re at all tempted to drive over to your beloved’s house in the middle of the night and blast Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” from a boombox held over your head in an attempt to express your true feelings, resist that temptation. Change your middle name to Subtlety this week.