Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-10-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Open up your mouth
And speak the truth of your heart.
Easy on the tongue.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Move over, kick back,
Just go along for the ride.
Do not backseat drive.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Friends keep their pants on.
Friendship is overrated.
Kiss first. Names later.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You want to get head,
But if you have a big head,
You won’t get any.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Dinner and movies
Are for uninspired shmo’s.
Think: bunjee jumping.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Like a monkey’s butt
Your mojo is big and red.
People will notice.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t be a hermit.
Go to your office drinks night.
Booze will kill the cheese.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Move forward with strength,
And confidence and charm.
Not spinach in teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your friends aren’t sex toys.
Neither is your neighbor’s dog.
Stick with your own hand.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do not jump the fence.
The grass under your feetsies
Is fertile and green.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Actions speak loudly,
like raindrops on a tin roof,
or orgasmic moos.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The leaf told the tree,
“I’ll fall off when I’m ready.”
Don’t pull leaves off trees.