Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-31-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you accept the first offer that comes along, you’ll never know how many more you might have had to choose from. Don’t listen to your friends who tell you that you’re being “selfish” by making people wait for an answer. They’re just jealous that they’re not more in demand.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t settle just to get a date on Thursday. It’s like Amanda Jones says at the end of Some Kind of Wonderful: “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You sleep over; they think it’s serious. You buy them flowers; they fall a little harder. You say, “I love you”; they think you mean it. You go down on them…oh wait, never mind. Think before you act this week: Are you prepared to accept the consequences?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be confused about love this week (join the club). And if you’re confused, it’s probably not a good time to make any rash decisions. Especially since once you make your mind up about something, you tend to defend that decision with much pomp and circumstance, even if everyone in the world — including you — knows it’s a bad one. Try being shy and reserved for once. It won’t work for very long, but it’ll at least get you through the week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Yield for pleasure. Everything’s coming up roses. Everything’s going your way. Hey, is that a bluebird on your shoulder? Your sex life is going to take a turn for the spicy this week, whether that means your long-time love finally agrees to try a third position, that hottie finally returns your call, or you finally figure out how to get invited to an orgy.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When Charles Schwab was asked once how he did so well in the financial markets (actually, we’re guessing he got asked that pretty much every freakin’ day of his life), he said, “By always selling too early.” You would do well to apply his advice to your love life: Sure, it’s hard to cash out when you’re having so much fun playing the market, but the longer you try to play the game, the more likely you are to end up stone-broke or loveless.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
A really easy short-cut to happiness, satisfaction, and contentedness is to tailor your goals to make them attainable. Or at least, pick a few new, short-term, easily accomplishable goals to add to your list. Like maybe “Have a fling” should be added to your list, right above “Find a soulmate and settle down for a lifelong relationship that includes communication, great sex, three kids, and a loyal and well-behaved golden retriever.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re likely to attract all sorts of interest while you’re out and about this week. However, not all of it will be to your advantage. Maybe you don’t want the parking officer so “interested” in whether or not you’re re-feeding the meter. And maybe you don’t want your boss so “interested” in how much of your day you spend IM-ing with your friends. And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want your mother “interested” in your collection of avant-garde porn. All we’re saying is, if you insist on wearing the pink tutu and making your armpit “sing” the “Golden Girls” theme song, make sure that’s what you want to be noticed for.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s set-up city this week. A friend, a relative, a co-worker perhaps, will hook you up with a possibility. Resistance is futile. Submit! And don’t be shy: You’re a star and they’re an astronomer. Which could just mean they’re a total dork, but it’s always nice to be liked.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Everything is funnier in threes except sex. Threeways? They totally suck (if you don’t agree, then you’ve been watching too much porn). Love triangles? They suck harder. Two Girls and a Guy? Don’t even get us started on how bad that movie sucked. If you must have group sex, make it a fourway so no one’s piggy in the middle. If you must enter a love triangle, please don’t kid yourself that it’s going to end in anything but tears (well, tears and mindblowing sex, probably). And if you must rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie, make it Iron Man or Only You.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Turn off your judge-O-meter. Focus on the good qualities of your romantic interest, not their real or imagined wussiness.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.