Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-07-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things. If you wait, you could very well be on the receiving end of a conversation like this.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week is going to kick tushy for Tauruses (Tauri?) everywhere! Maybe you’ll meet the man or woman or your dreams! Maybe you’ll win the lottery! Maybe you’ll hit inbox zero! Maybe you’ll just feel so irrationally cheerful that you’ll use exclamation points all day!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re interested in an a-hole. Get over him or her and move on. Have a nice day.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. Or those really skinny metallic jeans that will be in style for the next ten minutes. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been laying the foundations for weeks; it’s finally time to lay some — oh, don’t make us actually say it. Go get ’em, tiger!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Robert De Niro has made like five hundred movies. But do you ever hear him gush to Us Weekly about the importance of date nights or his wife’s pet name for him or how he likes to keep the fires burning? We wouldn’t say that this reticence has improved his success rate at relationships (how many different baby mamas does he have, again?), but we have a feeling that — for Bobby, at least — discretion, is in fact what keeps the fires burning. Think about that next time you get tipsy during office happy hour.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’re so sick of these cheesy, formulaic Hollywood-machine movies with their pat lessons on love and life: Follow your heart, Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock/Reese Witherspoon insist. In real life, that’s exactly what leads to being left at the altar with a bun in the oven and no money. Think with your head this week. Heck, think with your willie/weegeena if you have to. Just be sure to ignore your heart.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your independent and confident approach to life will attract any lover you want this week. Choose wisely and it could turn into a long-lasting relationship. Choose poorly and you’ll spend an excruciating evening hearing about the nasty fungus infection your date contracted at the public swimming pool. But look on the bright side: we don’t think fungus infections are contagious.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you wouldn’t buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart booty consumer and shop around for the best deal out there.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s nothing wrong with playing the field. You’ve been training hard and you’re at the top of your game. Just make sure everyone is playing by the same rules.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll want to get out and party this week. Heck, don’t we all? If you’re going to be snarky with all your co-workers and too hungover to get any work done because you raged on a school night, you may as well make it worthwhile. So go some place you’ve never been before. If that’s shaking things up a bit too much for ya, at least visit your local hangout on a different night (we hear Tuesday is the new Thursday) so you’ll encounter a different group of regulars.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Normally we hate to resort to cliches when it comes to telling your horoscope (ahem). But this week, nothing says it better: getting lucky will be like shooting fish in a barrel, as long as you get out of your La-Z-Boy and interact with a few people. And hey, if you’re really that lazy, we know a phone number or two you could call to get laid right in that comfy ol’ chair.