Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-28-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Everyone likes to embellish a little, to make their stories or themselves a little more interesting. We all do it. Suddenly that drunk make-out sesh you had with some rando in the bathroom of a dive bar becomes a spontaneous threeway in the hot tub of a top-floor penthouse. Or that one time you volunteered at an old-folks’ Bingo tournament sounds more like a twelve-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Most of the time, it’s harmless — and it helps get you laid. But beware, someone’s bound to call B.S. on you eventually — and more likely than not it will be the one person you really care for and/or want to screw. Then where will you be? Alone in the shower with your tears and your lies and your hand, that’s where.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sometimes love’s a battlefield, other times it’s more like friendly competition. You know, the game-playing, the mind games, the playing hard-to-get, all that good stuff. This week, you’ll find yourself in the thick of friendly competition. Maybe your job isn’t challenging enough, maybe all your favorite sitcoms are on hiatus, maybe you just like the chase — whatever it is, you’re addicted (it’s kind of like booty eBay, isn’t it?). We hope your friends (or your therapist) can handle the fall-out.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember the ’90s? Remember the economic boom? Remember how every friendship was a potential networking connection? Every casual conversation a potential stock tip? Yeah, well, the ’90s are over, sucker. But fortunately, sex is still free, and every friendship is a potential booty connection. Work it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re not thinking clearly this week — even from seven states away, this much is clear to us. You’re highly likely to screw up any major decision you have to make. So stay home, and avoid encounters with anyone except drinking buddies you’ve known for at least a decade and immediate family members. This week, appointment TV is your friend.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Whoever said business and pleasure don’t mix, never experienced the unique joy of getting busy on their boss’s desk. Something to think about this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Another one from the “no duh” file: If you’re walking on your own path and you happen to meet someone special, it follows that this special person will be down with your path (either that or they’re just a crazy stalker freak). But if you’re one of those big fakers who takes strolls on other paths and you meet someone special there, you’re either going to have to carry on being a big fat faker, or risk getting dumped. It’s one to grow on.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit ’em with your best shot. And we don’t mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying “L. O. L.” instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we’re talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal — thus far, at least — to sleep with you. This week, they’ll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you’ve got, whether that’s a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistence is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it’s time to reap those rewards.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t even worry about the dude/tte you don’t think has noticed you: There isn’t a chance in hell that he or she hasn’t. Well, maybe you should worry, depending on when they noticed you. If it was when you had one of those booger danglers, then it goes without saying that you should be very, very worried.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You want sex? Well sex costs. And right here is where you start paying. No, not in fancy dinners or a few neatly folded bills discreetly exchanged in a seedy motel room. In sweat. The kind of sweat you work up when you’re trying to be witty, charming, engaging. You know, when you’re just being you. Have a Power Bar before you go out.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t lie about your intentions to any trusting (read: gullible) parties this week. Or else we’ll have to kick your tushy.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You have such a unique way of approaching people that it’s a miracle you don’t scare all the hotties away. But somehow, it works for you. This week, you’ll meet someone just as “creative.” You two freaks should be very happy together.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Prick up your ears this week. That should satisfy the, er, special person in your life.