Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-27-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
According to the stars, “a one-on-one relationship will be too confining for you this week.” If you’ve been waiting for an astrological go-ahead for a three-way, this is it, baby. Three’s your magic number! But if a Jane and Dick and Jane (or Dick and Dick and Dick) scenario isn’t your thing, then we suggest you spend the time in the company of some good friends. You can hit the sheets again next week, when your one-on-one mojo will be back in working order.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Someone you meet this week will lead you into new territory (perhaps the third orifice?) when it comes to letting go of your inhibitions (you’re so anal retentive) and letting the adventurous (a.k.a. ass-kinky) side of you unfold. Relax (your sphincter) and enjoy the ride (cowboy).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re looking for emotional and financial security, you’ll find it this week. But be careful what you wish for. That security may come at the expense of your freedom. Sure, you may have the means to fly off to Aruba at a moment’s notice, but nobody good to share it with.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Florence Nightingale’s got nothing on you. Your touch is more soothing than aloe, your voice more comforting than a cool wash cloth, your smell better than Vick’s Vapo-Rub. Even if the object of your care isn’t sick as a dog, their rattled nerves will appreciate the attention. Then it’ll be time for the sponge bath!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
How does that picket fence feel crammed up your tush? Not so great, eh? Well, that’s what you get for being indecisive. You’ll also get someone who may have been a great partner (or at least a great lay) walking out on you. But that’s okay, you’ve got a lot of things going on right now — like having anal sex with fences.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you’re gonna be smooth like Fleischmann’s Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It’s so silky, so creamy, we swear you’ll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone, and start buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the “creative approach to getting to know someone better” the stars recommend this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Do you ever slow down, Libra? Even just to pee? How is life in the fast lane, anyway? We’ve always been curious, but we’re too friggin’ out of shape to find out. You’ve got so much good stuff going on that everyone wants to be by your side. We hope at least one of them can keep up.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickin’s for the ruthless, conniving, and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you’re ripe for becoming some sexy wolf’s chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you’ve made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, karma is your friend. Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. And no, we’re not taking about bum love. We’re talking about helping out your single friends, especially those who have been enduring a particularly extended dry spell. We can’t tell you exactly how, when, or where (that would be kind of scary), but in the course of helping out a buddy this week, you might just get laid with a little help from your friends.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be afraid of change. Now is the time to let go of the past and move toward the future. Perhaps the future has kabuki, or activism, or BDSM, or underwater basket weaving in it. Whatever change you make will be good for your sex life, even if it’s only to make you less bored with yourself so you’re interested in self-diddling again.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Whoa, Nellie. You’ve been wooing with the tenacity of a paparazzi photographer of late. Hang back a little, play it cool — that hottie is not quite ready for their close-up with you yet.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s true, you’re a giver. You give to your significant other, your best friend, your work colleague, your every-other-wednesday afternoon, your ex, your eye doctor, and pretty much anyone else who’s a sucker for your “charms.” If it’s true you’ve got to give to receive, then you’re well on your way to receiving plenty — like a slap in the face, an unexpected pregnancy, an STD, a lawsuit, you name it. You may want to rethink your generosity.