Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-09-14

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Oh, Aquarius, you’re a fool for love. It’s kind of cute when Meg Ryan does it, but on you, it just looks pathetic. Walk away from love before it walks all over you, leaving nothing but a set of muddy footprints.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The star quarterback and the captain of the cheerleading team ain’t all that. They never are. Turn your attentions to a geek in the debate club, or the brooding artist loner who hangs out in the studio after school. They’re the ones who know where to find all the dirty books in the public library and are therefore the most skilled.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars tell us you’ll be able to talk your way into anyone’s heart. They say nothing of talking your way into someone’s pants. But considering you’re a fine candidate for love, that shouldn’t be too difficult for you. Don’t let your good intentions get in the way when the belts start unbuckling.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll find yourself hitting the gas pedal instead of the brake — and vice versa — all week. Bummer, dude. Fortunately, we’re speaking purely metaphorically, so little old ladies and cute puppies are safe for now. Unfortunately, it’s up to you to figure out what the metaphor means for your love life. Hey, this is one-size-fits-all astrology, people, we can’t be expected to do all the work.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Take a leap of faith and let a friend set you up with someone you don’t know. A friend like Online Personals. Personals will support you, help you through this time of need, and never judge you (even if you make an ass of yourself on a blind date). Like a good neighbor, the Personals are always there for you, day or night. . . or even early morning when you’ve stumbled home sloshed out of your mind and you’re suddenly struck with the brilliant idea of trying to pour your soul out online. So what are you waiting for? Start drinking and get typing!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Think of all this alone time as one of those “personal growth experiences.” Take long introspective walks in the rain, buy a single can of beer at the deli for must-see TV night, write a poem about your feelings, listen to Enya. And don’t forget to thank goodness for Magic Wands.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
While it might be true that the more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you have sex with (hey, love can be a numbers game, too), it’s not necessarily the healthiest approach — mentally, physically, karmically, etc. Think about this: The more people you meet, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you meet, too. So you don’t actually have to have sex with all of them. Got it, Einstein?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it’s hard, and you’d rather put yourself first, think the worst of everyone, huff and puff at people getting in your way on the subway, complain that your lover never tickles your back, etc, etc. But just give yourself a week — okay, a day — to be kind to strangers, bite your tongue when you feel yourself start to bitch, and just be a giver in bed. This has nothing to do with your horoscope (’cause, trust us, your horoscope was super boring), but if you take our advice, we’re sure you’ll have a great week!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we’re not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we’re talking about your love life. Once you’ve wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don’t even stick around long enough to find out all the fun things you could do to them with that little pinkie. All we can say is: You don’t know what you’re missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re gonna mess it up this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The ball is in your court — hit it back, or put it in your pocket. Your call.