Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-17-13

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What’s the fastest animal in the world? An Ethiopian chicken! That’s a classic from Truly Tasteless Jokes. We were reminded of it by the speed with which you’ve been taking things lately in the booty department. Slow down, lest you end up with your head cut off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A friend recently proposed we try a social experiment: don’t call or email anyone for a month — you can pick up the phone and answer emails, but no initiating allowed. Our friend said we’d feel like we were going mad the first few days, but eventually we’d feel relaxed and at peace. Being the organizer, the party planner and/or the pursuer can be stressful, exhausting even. Let everyone come to you this week and perhaps you too will feel relaxed and laid back (i. e. someone lays you back on the bed).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Be the first one to speak up at the office meeting, the first one on the dance floor at the eighties night club, the first volunteer from the audience at the magic show, the first one to make the move, the first one to introduce the Jell-O mold to the bedroom. Boldness is a color that will look good on you this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you were eleven years old, we’d tell you to spend the week in your treehouse in the company of a few imaginary friends. It’s too bad that kind of behavior could get you arrested at your age. But do whatever you can to be aloof and observant this week. And hey, if you want to talk about it with an imaginary friend, we won’t tell.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Okay, we know it dates us to talk about Swingers, but we’re doing it anyway: Swingers is an unparalleled morality tale for our times, chock-full of lessons in love and lust for the fools of our generation. Let’s examine one particularly insightful scene that may come in handy for you this week, shall we? In a bar, Trent encourages his best friend Mike to approach one fine-looking honey sitting alone at the bar. His advice: you’re this bear with these vicious claws but you act like a soft little bunny. Be the bear, Trent says, and be merciless. So Mike attempts to be the bear. And what happens? He ends up bricking big time. Our advice: be the bunny this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We always thought it was the married ones who got all the attention (i. e. people automatically want what they can’t have). But this week, it’s the wedlocked who are into you. Enjoy the flattery, take advantage of the attention, get a couple free drinks out of it. But put yourself in their spouse’s place before you commit to anything more than a peck on the cheek.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re cute and all, but the offers haven’t exactly been pouring in lately, have they? Well, don’t take all this rejection sitting down — get off your arse and shake it for a change! Your luck might just change. At the very least, your bum will benefit.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sit back and observe the one who interests you. The more you know about this person, the easier it will be to mesmerize him or her when the time is right. But please, don’t “observe” your subject from their fire escape at three a. m. And when we say “mesmerize,” we don’t mean you should try out some cheap hypnosis technique you got off the Internet to turn them into your own personal sex slave.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you’re trying to seduce someone, don’t strain a brain cell figuring out some new and novel approach. Instead, focus on your strengths, whether that’s telling a joke, writing a poem or doing a little jig in tiny red briefs.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
In case you hadn’t noticed, Mr. or Ms. Right doesn’t arrive neatly packaged on your doorstep with postal insurance and a “Right” label on their forehead. No, you and your right-hand man or woman will inspire each other to be better people (and more right for each other) on a daily basis. If you keep your standards high, everyone will have a happy ending, just like in Hollywood.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“I don’t want to be your Rice-a-Roni any longer,” says one ex-boyfriend to another in the classic (the only?) gay baseball buddy flick The Broken Hearts Club. Rice-a-Roni — the ultimate ’70s game show consolation prize, the one thing you know you’ll go home with, even if you lose. (It’s “Garlique” these days, last time we checked Jeopardy. ) Anyway, we think it’s time you stopped being someone’s Rice-a-Roni, too. And the only way to do that is to start feeling better about yourself — take some me-time, pamper yourself, eat french fries for lunch, whatever it takes. Pretty soon someone will recognize you for the grand prize that you are.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You can’t complain that you “never meet anyone in bars” if you’re looking for a teetotal life partner: if you walk on the wild side, you’ll be hanging with the wild children. Fortunately, we happen to think that that’s just what you need right now. Do whatever it is you do to let your hair down — drink at a dive bar, catch an eleven p. m. movie instead of the seven o’clock showing, karaoke till dawn or perhaps just go out with bedhead — and you’ll find like-minded souls a-plenty. Perhaps you should consider sleeping with one of them.